His Love by @StrawberriesKiss

Comma splices were quite big. This is where you have two full sentences that make perfect sense on their own but you join them together with a comma. What you should do instead is join them with a semi colon or a full stop.

The storyline was cliche, although it did have more a plot than most stories in that genre.

Some words and phrases could be changed to be more suitable/appropriate. Commented on these.

Commas before names.

Dialogue wasn't formatted right sometimes. I'll tag you in a critique where I explained dialogue to someone.

Colloquial language ruins the mood.

You should include more action within the dialogue. For example:

"How long will you take?" Linda asked. She scraped her hair into a loose bun. "Because I need to shower."

See?^

Remember that this is a critique, NOT a criticism. Please spread the word!

If you would like a critique, please read the guidelines, fill out the form, and complete the payment, all which can be found at the beginning of this book. :)