His Girl by @Chelsy_lea

Commas before names (even before nicknames).

You'd already introduced Carey at the beginning so you didn't need to mention her name again quite so soon afterwards.

Numbers spelled out look more formal.

Great areas of high tension - keep it like that throughout.

The dialogue tag needs to be in lower case (you did this most of the time but there were some places where it was missing).

Overall, a good attempt. Keep it up!

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