*A few rocky weeks on:

Rose

Dear God,

I'm losing Cristiano

I'm constantly worried

Scared

Anxious

Even when he's not here, he's all I think about and I can't get him out of my mind. I'm constantly watching the door, wondering when he'll come back.

We argue

He yells

I scream

He overreacts

I cry

He laughs in my face

I beg in his

I think of the baby

Our baby with you

And I wonder if that's the reason why he's got pain

Then I think more and realise it's something else

Something else is giving us pain and I want to know what

I keep praying to you, crying to sleep but all I feel is pain.

Pain is

I'm tired of this never ending pain, God.

You never allow us to have pain without a purpose but what is the purpose of this pain?

I keep seeing the blades.

Then I see the toilet.

Then I see the bath.

And when I think about this painful thoughts - I stop.

I think of him.

His words.

His smile.

His kindness.

Then I cry.

Because pain is back again

Killing me slowly

Then someone will hear me - Gage, Dax, Jordan or if Tori's around - and wonder if I'm okay. I plaster a band-aid smile on to hide my pain, then I laugh, waving it off. You know who wins? Pain.

I don't like pain, God

Without Cris, pain is my life

If he was permanently gone, I would let pain take over and send me to the grave

I want him back, God.

I want to help him.

I love him more than anything God.

He's the only thing that makes me ME.

Show me the purpose of this pain God so -

"Rose! My dick is twitching to meet a its best friend! Can we go now before I die?"

I blushed automatically, shaking my head. "I'm coming!"

I sighed and looked back at my words, my eyes slowly scanning each painful confession. Then the pen in my hand was suddenly back on the paper and I was writing:

- I can leave the fucked - messed up, I mean, thing called pain that is holding the burden on my shoulders and replace it with strength.

Please, God.

I need the real him back instead of pain

~ Rose

I closed the thick, A5 diary and wrapped the strap around it, staring at the book filled with secrets, confessions and pain. All my feelings written in one tiny little journal.

I licked my coated lips, staring at it still. Mentally, I thanked Tori. If it wasn't for her, all my pain would be hidden in me, tearing me apart from the inside. I needed it. She saved me.

Then I turned and rolled off the bed, walking over to my drawer and lifting some of my clothes, hiding it discreetly under them. Closing my drawer, I turned and faced the mirror.

No wonder he doesn't love you

Pain liked to torture me with brainwashing thoughts. But I pushed them away every single time.

He loves me. He loves me so, so much. He's just. . .going through something. Something that is the purpose of you, Pain.

Pain didn't reply and I exhaled slowly, my eyes running up my body in the mirror.

Okay. .

I turned and took my bag and coat before leaving my bedroom and closing the door behind me, swiftly walking down the stairs to see Jordan staring at me in disbelief.

I chuckled as his eyes roamed my body, his mouth parted in shock. "Oh. My. Gosh." Then he walked up to me once I reached the bottom and whispered into my ear, "are you sure you want Cris because-"

I bursted out laughing and playfully slapped his chest, shaking my head at him. "Yes, I do. Don't worry, birthday boy. Hopefully tonight will be your lucky night."

He snorted, moving away and meeting my eyes. "Yes, to get some ass!" Then he made a sexual movement with his hips and I gasped, taking a step back and laughing. "Ew! You're not gonna get some if you keep doing stuff like that!"

Jordan laughed too, a playful twinkle in his eyes. He always joked around about being with me and some would think that he liked me but he didn't. Jordan wasn't like that. He had his boundaries and knew where not to cross the line.

He was a sweet and funny man who deserved a woman who would be equally as good as him. Jordan was family and like a brother. He was always going to be there to protect me like the rest of the idiots and there to comfort me when I needed him.

He would never hurt me. That was what I loved about him; his amazing qualities that made Jordan Jordan. I had a good feeling in me that soon, his wishes for love would come soon.

I wasn't a psychic but I believed in good karma. He always did good and I had a feeling that God would reward him positively. I wasn't sure when or how but I had a feeling that soon, Jordan wouldn't keep complaining about wanting a girlfriend, not just sex.

Something about writing those letters to God had made me more of a relaxed and positive person. Although I was going through all the drama with Cris, I knew there was someone out there who cared for me from above and wouldn't let me down.

I had to keep positive to the fact that soon, my boyfriend would be back for me and things would go back to normal. Pain always has a purpose. There was a reason why Cris and I were going though a dilemma.

"-still pissed at me?"

"Yes, I am! You didn't have to be such a dick, Dax!"

"Well, you didn't have to act so. .so. ."

"So what? Bitchy? Is that what you want to say? Go ahead, I fucking dare you!"

"Yeah, bitchy!"

"Oh, I'll show you how much of a bitch I can be, you cocky bas-"

"Okay!" Jordan bursted, a beaming smile on his face as he broke the arguing couple apart. "So. Tomorrow is my birthday and tonight I want to celebrate until morning light! So, if that's going to happen; you two need to squash this beef. For the last couple of years, I've had shitty ass birthdays and this time, nothing is going to ruin my day - today and tomorrow. In fact, nothing is going to ruin my birthday week! So, Dax, stop being a bastard and Tori, stop being a b-"

She gave him a look and he automatically stopped ranting.

Jordan cleared this throat, "a woman. Clear. The. Beef."

"Fine," Tori said bitterly, rolling her eyes at Dax who gave her a cold glare. "I'm sorry, Dax, for being a 'bitch' even though you clearly wanted that girl-"

"Excuse me-"

"Guys!" Gage groaned, glaring at the two of them. "Come on!"

Tori sighed again, licking her purple lips and looking into Dax's eyes. "I'm sorry, baby," she genuinely apologised, her voice soft and gentle.

"I'm sorry too," Dax softly replied, his eyes glimmering as they gazed into Tori's.

"Now kiss!" Jordan beamed like a little child which made me chuckle and smile at them.

Dax rolled his eyes at his friend and pulled his girl close to him, locking lips with her. I looked away, my smile fading a little as I thought of a particular pair of hazel eyes.

"Hey," Gage gently said, touching my arm. I met his eyes and put a smile on my face but he could see right past it. "Did he call back?" I shook my head, keeping the smile. I sighed softly and shrugged a little. "It's okay. He'll come to his senses eventually."

He nodded, about to speak until Jordan exclaimed, "okay! Okay! I said 'kiss' not 'make out'!"

I laughed a little, shaking my head and meeting Gage's concerned eyes once more. "I'm okay," I softly reassured him, giving him a smile. He returned the featured and Jordan yelled.

"It's my fucking birthday, bros - and hoes! Let's get my party started!"

"Who are you callin' a hoe?"

~~~

As Jordan said, the party was 'lit'.

We were in the guys' friend's club where the whole place had us and a vast majority of the guys' friends that were mainly male.

The place was extremely loud and I couldn't even hear myself breathing.

Jordan wasn't joking when he said he was going to go all out with his birthday. The club didn't look like a nightclub anymore but a strip club.

He had installed stripper poles, dancers, beds in the booths, lights, steam, strippers, hookers - it was extraordinary as to how he was able to get all of those acts in such a small period of time. As usual, he booked his party last minute.

In the club, we were sat in the VIP area where Jordan was spoiled with girls, drinks, dancers, friends and money. He was given so many gifts that I couldn't keep up. He was having the time of his life and I was so happy for him. For the last couple of years, Jordan's birthdays had always gone downhill like he told us but this time, it seemed as though this was going to be his best birthday in a while even though Cris wasn't going to be there.

I texted, called and once more, I was in the bathroom talking to him via voicemail.

"Hi, baby," I softly began before sighing softly as I tried to figure out what to say. "I know you and I have things to talk about but. . .it's Jordan's party and he really wants you here. I think that would make his party tens times better. We don't have to talk, just be a friend and be there for him, please. . .I miss you and I hope we can talk. Did I say it was me? Rose? I-I love you. . ."

Then I hung up, running my hand through my hair and sighing. I sniffed, blinking away the tears in my eyes as I thought of him. It hurt so badly to be away from him after such a huge argument that I didn't even want to think about.

It's all your fault

No, Pain. We're just got things to talk about and work through.

Who said you guys will work it through again?

Me so piss off

Then I turned, not letting Pain reply and left the bathroom. As I looked over, there was Jordan dancing in the VIP area dancing with five strippers to Clout. I chuckled softly, folding my arms and shaking my head at him as he danced so badly but he didn't even care. He was having the time of his life and that was all that mattered.

I walked over to the bar and noticed Tori sitting there ordering a drink. I sat beside her on the stool. "Hey, mama. Can I just say, red brings out the best of you."

"Thanks," I replied with a kind smile. "Not too bad yourself." She chuckled, glancing down at her beautiful outfit and cracking a sweet smile.

"So. . .is hazel eyes coming tonight?"

I sighed as she handed me a drink and I sipped it with a straw, shrugging gently. "I don't know. He doesn't want to see me and I don't really think I wanna see him. But I miss him and I want Jordan to be happy. He wants to see him; it's his birthday - tomorrow anyway. I don't really wanna talk about him, if you don't mind."

Tori nodded understandingly, giving me a reassuringly warm smile. "I understand. Ro, can I tell you something?"

I nodded, giving her a benevolent smile.

"Have you ever wondered about. . .well, a new step?"

I looked at her cluelessly, sipping my alcoholic drink some more. "Um. . ."

Tori licked her lips and added, "I mean, we've already said 'I love you' to each other but. . .how do you know if you're ready to take the next. .step?" She slowly asked, her face heating up as she nervously fidgeted around with her fingers.

"You mean. . ." I gradually parted my lips in surprise. "What? Like. .marriage?"

She groaned, covering her eyes before moving her hands down and meeting my eyes. "It's been months, Rose! A lotta months! Like half a year and I was walking around the shops and I saw these wedding dresses and they were so pretty! I went in and I couldn't stop thinking about if Dax and I got married! I've been searching places and dresses and rings but. . .it's way too soon, isn't it?"

I shook my head, my heart warming. "No, don't think like that. I think that you and Dax have a lot of history and right now," I started, giving her a smile. "You guys are at a point where things are really looking up. I think that if you really wanna get married, you'll know. It won't be easy at first but you will and you just need to think about it. And if you do want to, never say never. A girl can propose too."

She smiled, sipping her drink. "I see what you mean. Thanks, Rose. I think I really needed that. So, what about you? Would you ever get married? To Cris?"

I shrugged softly, tensing up a little at the sound of his name that brought me pain. I pondered for a small moment before replying to her, "right now, we're definitely not ready but one day, yeah. I wanna marry that man in the future - if we ever have one."

She nodded and smiled at me. "Never say never."

"You just did."

Tori laughed as I chortled, not even noticing that Dax had came from behind her and tickled her sides. She squealed with laughter, slapping his hands away and smiling beamingly at him.

"Come dance with me, beautiful."

"No, I'm staying with Rose," Tori said with a smile and although she hid it well, I could tell she wouldn't mind dancing with Dax. I shook my head and smiled at her, pushing her softly as Dax pouted at her. "It's okay. I'll be fine. Go dance with him."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, yeah."

Then she thanked me and left, going onto the dance floor and dancing with Dax. They were laughing and smiling, grinding and kissing each other happily. Just how I wanted to be.

I exhaled and finished my drink, about to order another one before someone said, "I'll pay for that."

I turned and met a pair of green eyes that struck at me. My lips parted in surprise but I quickly said to him, "I'm more than capable of paying for my own drink." I cleared my throat, swiping my card and paying for myself before taking my drink and sipping it, his intensely evergreen eyes on me.

He was handsome; there was no denying that but I wasn't interested at all. I had a boyfriend - a dysfunctional one but I was taken and I wasn't planning on losing him.

"I've seen you by yourself all night," the man said with a small chuckle, his eyes twinkling.

"Well, that's because I'm not in the mood to talk to anyone," I responded bluntly with a sarcastic smile, drinking some more slowly. I didn't want to get drunk so I tried to control how much I was drinking.

He took and seat and extended a hand. "I'm Charlie, nice to meet you, beautiful." I rolled my eyes and shook his hand briefly, barely touching it.

"Rose."

"So, how do you know the birthday boy?"

"I'm his best friend," I replied, monotonously, "you?"

"High school friend."

I nodded briefly, drinking some more.

"Come dance with me."

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want to."

"Come on."

"No."

"It won't kill you."

"No."

"I don't bite."

"No."

"Come on! Are you really gonna drink away all your sorrows tonight?"

"Wow," I said, shaking my head as a small smile came onto my face. "You just don't give up, do you?" Charlie grinned from ear to ear as I rolled my eyes once more as he took my hand, pulling me to the dance floor.

Then we were dancing and laughing, and talking and giggling, and teasing and taunting and joking, and playing and twirling, spinning, singing, and doing everything I wished I was doing with my boyfriend.

Then we were grinding and he turned me, my butt against his crotch, rubbing against it. His head was in the crook of neck, kissing it and feeling up my body. I groaned softly, trying to move away but he held onto my body, touching my breasts which was a big no.

"Charlie, let go of me, please. I just wanted to dance, not this. I have a boyfriend-"

"And I have a girl but I don't think you really care for him if you agreed to dance with me." He sucked my neck, kissing it. I closed my eyes slowly, his hands sliding down my body, feeling me, wanting me. I shook him away, turning and pushing him hard on his chest.

"No. I'm sorry but you need to go home and talk with your girlfriend like I need to talk to my boyfriend. I'm not a cheat."

"That's not how it was for the last hour," he snapped, glaring at me. His mood suddenly changed and I didn't like it. I scrunched my face up at him, scoffing and rolling my eyes.

"Don't even. You're trash. Leave me alone before I tell Jordan-"

"What? Tell him how you were all over me? Yeah, I bet you don't even have a boyfriend!" Charlie shot back, his eyes shooting daggers at me.

"I wasn't all over you!" I argued back, beginning to get more and more annoyed by the second. "In fact-" I automatically stopped as my eyes landed upon a particular pair of hazel eyes at the entrance.

My jaw dropped and my knees went weak. I felt as though I was going to fall at the sight of the attractively magnificent man in front of me. He was everything; from his head to his toe, the man wore designer clothing on his sexy body. He was hypnotising and it seemed that other girls had noticed his powerful presence. I didn't care about them but only about him. He was here, but what was going to happen?

"In fact!" I repeated, glaring at Charlie. "That's my boyfriend right there! Cristiano Rossi!" I bursted, proud to say his name. I was still tense and nervous though. My heart missed a beat, his eyes intently on me out of anyone in the crowd. His mesmerising eyes that took my breath away ran up and down my body before slowly meeting my eyes once more, my breath hitching.

"Cristiano Rossi?" Charlie repeated, staring at him too. "Okay. Well, then. Let's give that bastard a show!" Then he suddenly grabbed me by surprise and smashed his lips onto mine. I protested against his lips, my sounds muffled by his intense kisses that I did not return.

I managed to push him off me and glared hard at him, slapping his cheek in annoyance. "You-" I began angrily in rage, about to rant and give him a piece of my mind until a powerfully authoritative voice dangerously boomed, "you touched what is mine."

My eyes widened as I slowly turned and he was right behind me. The man was so tall and muscular that it scared me. I moved back, already knowing what was coming and he grabbed me suddenly, making me gasp as he pushed me behind him, barely looking at me. I bit my lip hard, my heart thumping hard against my chest.

"And you're gonna fucking pay."

________

.....

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