Funny how we only seek for and look up to confident people who have clear goals in mind, because most of the time we ourselves don't know what we're doing.

"What do you plan for the future? What makes you more fitting for this role than others?"

The expected answer would be something grand and incredible, yet somehow sounding so achievable through the phrasing and aura of the speaker. A beautiful, happy ending that only practical optimists can claim to be within their hands.

Clearly, I'm not one of those.

I'm the stupid optimist type.

I have no idea where I'm heading to, nor do I really care. As long as I put effort into it, in the end everything will be fine. As long as I consider it fine, then it's fine.

Because frankly, I never think. Never go beyond the very standard. Lower my expectations more and more to excuse my ultimate downfall.

Jumbled thoughts in a frantic mind, an overused expression.

Funny how I always have so much to say when emotional, yet at the end of the day still fail to recognize who I am or what I want.

Funny how I only get into action while moody, though most of the time it's not even what I'm supposed to do.

Nobody's pressuring me to do any of this. It's just me picking things up randomly out of the same "Why not?" initial care-free thought, only to never see things to the end. And now that I've been caught in the middle of my own mess, I need to be responsible for my decisions.

I have to, I must.

Again, the problem is that I just don't do things, out of my habits. 

I'm simply existing, breathing. Everything else is a blur.

I can very well drop dead somewhere and I won't even care. Sure, I may struggle for my life out of survival instinct, but then what? Pain and suffering for 30 minutes at most, then nothing else would matter or bother me anymore.

Will one go unconscious when death consumes them, until somehow their mind gets transferred to another realm? If so, I'm more than glad to embrace the abyss, even just for a little while.

Or I can go catch some Zs before working out my life again. Same old story of "you can't kill yourself, it does nobody good."

Another day.