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TWENTY THREE | GRIEF IS LOVE PERSEVERING

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THE ROOM WAS speechless.

Everyone was tense, holding their breaths. Soo-Jin had just fired the revolver she snatched from the masked watcher with no hint of remorse in her eyes. The games were wearing her morals down and her humanity was thinning. Even the kindest people have their limits, so it seemed.

A blood-curdling scream that certainly raised the hairs of those who witnessed what happened reverberated across the room. One of the bullets pierced the floor just inches -- mere inches from Deok-Su's head, but the other one grazed his upper thigh. That was a warning she wanted to let everyone know.

She has the capacity to kill.

She just had self-control.

Soo-Jin then aimed the cold firearm to the masked game supervisor and as another second passed, she held out the grip frame for the triangle masked guard to grab. Wordlessly, he took it from her and the woman glanced once again at Gi-Hun and Sang-Woo. She even caught sight of Sae-Byeok behind them, her lips slightly agape and her eyes widened. A visage Soo-Jin knew Hana would make if she ever witnessed what her older sister had just done. Hissing through her teeth, she wiped the blood off her face and tramped out of the room.

The strong achiever headed to the bathroom where she stared at herself in the mirror.

Her lips were dry and chapped, the circles beneath her eyes were dark, her hair was matted, and her hands were stained with Deok-Su's blood. She was a mess.

She washed her hands, ignoring the burning pain that stung badly. Some skin had peeled off from her knuckles and she shook her head. Her fingers then gripped the edge of the sink and she watched as her knuckles turned white. A lot of what ifs flooded her mind like a river, and she couldn't help wish she had done everything differently. Letting out a breath, she sat silently against the bathroom wall, hunched over and with a sense of loss so powerful that her muscles wouldn’t respond to commands.

She fiddled her thumbs to calm her nerves and a second later, she heard the click of the bathroom door. Sweeping her gaze up, she saw Sae-Byeok and Mi-Nyeo enter, their countenances showing concern and comfort.

"If you're here to comfort me, I don't need it." She crossed her arms, riled. "Get out."

"No," Mi-Nyeo shook her head, slowly raising her hands. "We're just here to tell you that what you did to that asshole is good! Right, girl?"

Sae-Byeok blinked, but then nodded.

"Shooting a person, almost killing them is good?"

Mi-Nyeo shrugged at Soo-Jin's previous statement. "He deserved it."

"I turned you away when you wanted to partner with me before the game."

"Actually, I am thankful for that. I am alive because of what you did."

Soo-Jin shut her mouth after that because she suddenly remembered that if she instead turned away Minjun, he could've lived, but then she didn't know what would happen if he wasn't paired with anyone. If only I can turn back time, I would pair myself with him and give up my life. She negotiated. I would give everything to return to that moment.

Bargaining, the third stage of grief.

The two women in front of her settled themselves beside her. "What do you two want?" demanded the female achiever, staring at her now clean hands.

"We just want to be here with you."

"I said, I'm fine -- "

"Stop trying to push us all away." Sae-Byeok finally spoke up, pushing up her knees close to her chest. "You know you need help. You need someone with you right now."

The woman didn't know how to respond to what the young girl told her. She was so used to keeping her struggles to herself since she didn't have anyone to share her burden. She couldn't let her sister stress about her problems. Additionally, she didn't want anyone to know about them. She believed she could do everything alone because that's all who she could rely on, herself.

Soo-Jin didn't reply, and just stared ahead of her. She still felt hollow. The urge to just go home was strong now, actually. She wanted to get back to Hana and embrace her tightly, but she can't go home penniless. She needed that money.

The three women stayed mute for a few minutes until Mi-Nyeo uttered, "I once had a child."

At this, Soo-Jin and Sae-Byeok swung their gaze to her, lips pressed tight and 212 continued speaking, "I had a daughter, but I only got to meet her for thirty-three minutes." She glanced down, inhaling sharply. "I slipped on this stairs while I was six months along and I went into premature labor." She then turned to Soo-Jin, regretful. "She died in my arms."

"What was her name?" mumbled the brunette, swallowing. It was like she was given a new perspective into Mi-Nyeo because of her revelation. She always believed that who people are today is the product of their past.

"Hyejin." The curly-haired woman bit her bottom lip. "I was very young when I got pregnant. I was so scared. My boyfriend at that time left me after I told him that I was carrying his child."

"Mi-Nyeo... I'm so sorry."

"I didn't want to become a mother at first, you know. I knew I wasn't ready, but..." Her voice cracked. "But, I grew to love the tiny human growing inside of me. I worked hard to feed us both. Then, I lost the baby, and..." She shrugged, pinching her nose. "Shit, I just wanted to comfort you and I ended up crying. Dammit."

Soo-Jin took her hands and embraced her. "Ya, it's okay. It's okay. I'm sorry you went through all that. I can't... I can't imagine how scared you were."

"Oh, I was. Very much, actually. I was out of sorts after that and my life just fell apart. I then learnt how to con men and use them to get what I need and want because I needed to survive. Then, encountered some loan sharks and well, here we are..." Mi-Nyeo articulated.

One must not really judge someone without knowing what they have been through. Mi-Nyeo became who she was because of her past. Life for her, instead of living, became about surviving. She didn't deserve that. They all didn't deserve this.

"I'm sorry. I'm really -- "

"What I wanted to really say was it's easy to just blame yourself for what happened, but it isn't your fault." Her companion blurted out. "It isn't your fault."

At that, Soo-Jin let go of her and just like a waterfall cascading down, her emotions shattered apart. "I -- I just," Soo-Jin hung her head low, sniffing. "I can't help think, you know, that uh," She gripped her hair, stammering, "Maybe, maybe if I planned better, I could've prevented it. I-I should've known."

"No one -- "

Soo-Jin's eyes shone with tears as she clutched the sides of her shirt. "I am the reason they're -- they're dead! I paired them! Ali, Minjun, Ji-Yeong, my grandfather -- they're all dead and it's my fault!"

"Soo-Jin!" called Sae-Byeok, tugging the woman's arm. "You didn't know! You didn't know we were going to play against our partner. Even if you didn't pair us, one of us was still going to die!"

If Hana was here, Soo-Jin was certain those were the words that would come out of her mouth. She could really see the similarities between her own sister and Sae-Byeok and thought how awesome their friendship would be if they meet.

No, don't do that again. You're hoping again.

She can't hope again because it will only lead to pain.

"Wait, your grandfather was here?"

"Yes," diclosed the woman, swallowing. "He knew I was his granddaughter the moment we met, but then I guess his dementia started to get worse and he forgot. I only knew during the fourth game."

"I'm so sorry." Player 067 shook her head, clenching her fist. "Ji-Yeong gave up her life for me."

Another thing Soo-Jin had to remember. "I am so stupid..." She mumbled and slammed her fist to the ground, making the two jump away in shock. They grabbed ahold of her arm before she could break any bone of hers and stopped her.

"Soo-Jin! Listen to me," Mi-Nyeo held her face like how an older sister would. "You are a very strong woman, and I admire you for that so much. You are not stupid, okay? You were the one who planned that trick in the tug-of-war. Soo-Jin, do you realize how awesome you are?" She then laughed. "I wish I could be like you."

The woman intently listened to her companion's words. "They are right to fear you, bold woman. Why? Because you are a goddamn force to be reckoned with." finished 212, steadily nodding. "Even life is scared of you."

Soo-Jin broke a small smile.

"It's okay to grieve, it's okay." Mi-Nyeo took her hands, squeezing them. "You're grieving because you loved that boy even when you knew him for just a short time."

And that was when Soo-Jin understood why she was grieving and how it was okay. Grief was not a consequence of loss, but rather one's love living on, persevering. 

What is grief, if not love persevering?

The only reason why people feel that level of sadness is because of the love they feel for that person they lost. The grief was the love they feel for that person. It was a reminder that they loved once and that love will remain within them.

Her love for Minjun will live on because she will never forget him.

She remembered feeling the same thing when she and Sang-Woo separated. She grieved for the death of their relationship for a year and that was actually because she loved and cared deeply about him.

"You know, if there's anyone we should be angry at, it's the creator of this games." verbalized Sae-Byeok. "We are becoming the people we are not because of this."

The young girl was right. If there was anyone they should blame, it was the sick bastard who created these kind of games. He wanted to wear their humanity down. Soo-Jin silently swore she would make him pay once she gets out, if she gets out.

What she didn't know was that she already met the creator.

Soo-Jin held their hands tightly and gave them a small smile. "Thank you for being here with me."

"Aish," Mi-Nyeo playfully rolled her eyes. "Thank us by teaching us how you beat that asshole to the ground with your fists only. Teach me an awesome trick, Soo-Jin. I want to be as strong as you."

"You're already a strong woman, Han Mi-Nyeo." enunciated Soo-Jin, patting her shoulder. It was true. Because of her constant seeking of allies to gain protection and advantages during the game, she was able to get this far. She just didn't like her because of her words to Ali previously. "The fact that you are still alive until now proves that. You've endured so many things that even life is afraid of you."

"Aish, I still want to learn. Come on," She rose to her feet and dragged the woman up. "You, girl, you want to learn as well? You might need it later on."

"Alright, what do you two want to learn?"

"I want to learn how to like really grab someone that they can't move even when they try so hard to."

"Oh, you mean like some waist grab hold?"

"Yeah, like that."

And that was when Soo-Jin thought she was going to start healing, but then, the games... the remaining games will tear her apart even further and put her under more pressure.

So, let this question be known: Who is Chang Soo-Jin under pressure?

Oh, dear god, just let her live.