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TWENTY TWO | EYES ON THE PRIZE

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WHAT IS GRIEF?

Grief is the loss of someone you deeply love or care about, and right now, Chang Soo-Jin was experiencing this. She felt lonely, like there was a crippling weight on her shoulders. She was also angry, not at anyone, but at the world. How fucking dare they take someone from her?

She had been good. She did the right things, chose the right decision everytime, but still why? Why did they punish her? For what?

Soo-Jin felt the loss was incomparable to the pain and hardships life threw at her. She only knew the boy for a few days, but she had never felt such a deep maternal connection with anyone before. It broke her heart.

Because she failed.

For the first time in her life, she failed.

And she couldn't accept that.

She failed to save the boy in this games.

She even didn't know her grandfather was in the games.

Was it her fault?

Was it all her fault?

It was as if her chest had been cut open and someone took her heart away since she felt void. Soo-Jin didn't talk to anyone while they marched back to the room. No one spoke anyway. They were too fatigued and traumatized by what happened. They had just witnessed the deaths of the people closest to them. It was even worse for Soo-Jin since she didn't only see one, but two people who are dear to her die.

She stumbled inside the white large room, her head hanging low when she saw someone's very familiar voice rang in. "Deok-su, honey, so glad you won."

At this, everyone turned to her, shocked, even Soo-Jin. She was confused as to why she was still alive when she assumed earlier the guards killed her. Deok-Su stammered, "How… how the hell…"

"What? You’re looking at me like you’ve seen a ghost. Are you okay?" scoffed Mi-Nyeo. "The masked guys all called me this, “the weakest link.” Like when nobody chooses you as a partner for things when you were a kid."

She saw Gi-Hun step forward out in the corner of her eye.

"Ya, this guy knows about it." She then pointed to Deok-Su, cackling. "The weakest link! And after that, they gently escorted me back to this dorm. Because they said that it’s all a part of a rule that in the old days not to let a kid turn into some kind of an outcast, I guess."

"Goddamn it!"

"It’s amazing, isn’t it?"

Soo-Jin vaulted onto her bed, immediately noticing the absence of her bunker partner. Hissing, she hugged the pillow to her face, accepting his torment. Her lungs rummaged for oxygen, and her sobbing had the same force of someone drowning. The flesh under her ribcage throbbed, her cheeks burned, and her mind created memories and scenarios that made the tears continue.

A few moments later, she fell into slumber and when she woke up, she rubbed her swollen eyes and stared at her hands, heartsick. She hoped the sleep would've taken the void feeling away, but it didn't. It was still there. Sang-Woo then approached her, asking how she was, but she just ignored him like he was. She continued sitting atop her bed in silence until Sae-Byeok came along.

"You need to eat." said the young girl, offering the snack the staffers gave them.

She looked up at Sae-Byeok and with a heavy sigh, accepted the food. She twisted the boiled food in her hand, staring at it, expressionless.

Another figure sat in front of her, clasping her hands together and tilting her head up, she saw her bestfriend, Gi-Hun, whose eyes looked haunted like her for his partner, Ali, was killed.

Ali's year-old son was now fatherless, she remembered.

"Soo-Jin..."

"I'm fine." She uttered, firmly as she glanced around the rest of the them. Player 069, the man who she knew partnered with his wife, was just meters away from them, sobbing. "Don’t worry about it. We only knew them for a few days."

Denial, the first stage of grief.

"See that man there?" She pointed her finger to 069. "His partner was his wife."

"I just..."

"I said, I'm fine, Gi-Hun." asserted Soo-Jin, scowling. She couldn't see his bestfriend was in pain as well because she herself was dealing with it too. "Look, I appreciate what you're trying to do, the both of you," she flickered her gaze to Sae-Byeok. "but I don't need it. Thank you."

And with that, she left them alone. She didn't want anyone's help. She was fine, she believed. She was okay, and she was going to repeat that in her head until the end of the games... until she wins.

Because if she does not keep going, then those deaths will be in vain. She cannot let that happen.

The man she pointed at earlier stood in the center of the room, capturing their attention. He sniffled, "Let... let’s just stop all this. I can’t keep doing this. I can’t." A great tremor overtook him. "The majority must agree. Well, come on, let’s get out. Half of us, that’s all we need to end this right now."

She paused in her tracks, watching the man desperately verbalize his feelings. "Don’t any of you want to leave this horrible place? Anyone who wants to go, stand up. Let’s get out of here."

Soo-Jin closed her eyes. She couldn't. She couldn't leave. 

"How can you call yourselves human?" bawled player 069. "How many of you can continue with this insanity just for the money?"

The brunette took several steps forward, making everyone turn their attention to her. "I can. I have to."

"You... all of you." he looked at everyone and shook his head in disbelief. "had to kill the ones you were the closest to at this place, and you’re good with that just to get the money?"

"So, what if we stop now? What difference does it make?" she challenged, narrowing her eyes into slits. It was her anger speaking now and who was in control for she held herself responsible for all those who died in her team. She paired them, she should've known that they would be playing against their partner. Why didn't she know? Wasn't she supposed to be smart?

Maybe, maybe, she wasn't as smart as she thought herself to be.

Maybe she was a failure.

"You -- you think your wife or the people who died for us will stop being dead if we all go now?" She fumed. "Your wife died for you to advance and you want to waste her sacrifice? You want to start with nothing again?"

"I can't go on -- "

"If you can’t keep going, then why are you alive right now?" Soo-Jin lashed out, hurling her boiled food at the wall. "You should’ve been the one who died in there instead!"

"See that? That’s the price of being in here!" She directed her index finger to the hanging piggy bank, her eyes warping into a miserable black. Her voice was so loud, so thunderous, that everyone listened to her. She became a different person then and there. "Your wife and the others paid it with their lives, and you wanna go and leave?"

She grabbed his collar. "You wanna start from the beginning again? You ready to do all that, huh?"

"Soo-Jin!"

Her pulse raced and she breathed heavily, almost as if she would burst. Soo-Jin felt her muscles grow tense and her body temperature rise. She could feel her blood boiling. A vein from his neck popped out as she yelled directly. "Once we stop, we go back to our miserable lives with nothing, but guilt!"

She then anchored her gaze to the listening crowd, letting go of the grieving man. "Is everybody here ready to do that as well? Then, go ahead, stand up! Let’s see who thinks they are. Go, get up and get out of here!"

"Soo-Jin, stop it!" Sang-Woo raised his voice, standing up from his bed. She scoffed at his behavior. Wasn't he the one who wanted the prize for himself earlier? What happened to that? From selfish to selfless? She pondered.

"You all think we're all leaving this place with our hands clean and conscience free from guilt?" She tsked. "You're all wrong. Eyes on the prize, people. Eyes on the prize. There is no way for us, but forward now."

She trudged her way to the large door where Deok-Su was leaning against it. It was as if he never leant. He really wanted to see what happens when she breaks her limit. "Great speech you had there," he noted, crossing his arms. She tried to move past him, but he added another comment. "but it still doesn't change the fact that you are the reason why he is dead."

She paused.

"Oh, I know. I heard that you were the one who paired them and -- "

Soo-Jin balled her fingers to a fist then slammed it on his face, mercilessly. Fury curled hot and unstoppable in her gut, like a blazing hellfire that wanted to burn her from the inside out. Her hands reached up and grabbed Deok-Su by the collar.

Anger, the second stage of grief.

The woman's surroundings and blurred and she saw nothing else, but this despicable man in front of her. She felt like she was outside herself at that moment. It was like someone just activated the kill switch in her brain.

She dragged Deok-Su and beat him down to the smooth cement ground. Her fists cluttered on his face and she put a hole in his stomach. She didn't notice her vision blurred, but she only had one thing in mind: kill the son of a bitch.

She repeatedly struck his face and didn't care the burn that started to form in her knuckles. Crimson liquid started to flow from the wounds and bruises she created, one even splashes across her face. Every strike she made released the anger in her veins. Soo-Jin put her fist onto his nose to eliminate any vision he might have had. She knew he was already hurt, bleeding, and might even die from her hitting, but she couldn't stop. She wanted to make sure he couldn't move by the time she was done with him.

There was someone calling her name, but she didn't hear them. They even pulled her by her arms, but she pushed them and kicked them.

That was when the watchers circled around her and Deok-Su, their rifles aimed directly at her.

"Player 321!"

She didn't stop. She still clipped him in the jaw.

"Player 321!" called the triangle-masked guard, pressing his revolver on the back of her head. He clicked the safety of the gun. "Stop right now or I will be forced to put a bullet in your head."

Soo-Jin halted her assault and raised her arms in surrender, slowly rising to her feet. Everyone thought that was the end of it, but she elbowed him in the jaw and snatched his gun from his hands. She then aimed it at Deok-Su who was lying on the ground, barely alive. He was now bathed in his own blood. His arms and legs were bent at angles like he had been dropped.

To be honest, the pressure to just pull the trigger was tremendous.

Kill him. Kill him and be done with it.

Her lips twitched, yet she kept her fingers wrapped and steady on the firearm. It felt cold in her hands. Soo-Jin wore an apathetic expression in her face as she remembered her enemy's words: "You can't even kill. You're all just talk, but you can't do it."

It was like a song in her head, one that she wanted to remove. There was something nagging her to prove she was not to be messed with. The woman gritted her teeth and she heard Sang-Woo and Gi-Hun beside her attempt to calm her down.

"Soo-Jin, please put the gun down."

"You're a good person."

At that, the brunette's jaw clenched and she inclined her head to them, her dark eyes piercing through Gi-Hun's as she declared, "Am I?"

And then, she pulled the trigger, not once, but twice.

internalizing all that anger made me so exhausted lmao- rage is such a strong emotion to write.