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TWENTY ONE | LIVE FOR ME

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THE FIRST WORDS that Chang Soo-Jin blurted out when she set foot inside her boyfriend slash fiancé's apartment was: "Let's have a baby."

Sang-Woo blinked, his cup of steaming coffee in his hand. "We still have a year left before graduation, my love."

Soo-Jin had just seen her new baby sister, Hana, and upon seeing the adorable toddler, she felt the desire to have a kid of her own. Now, she was aware that not everyone can be a mother, but she was more than certain she'll easily fit in and rock the title very well. Chang Soo-Jin, badass lawyer and devoted mother. Needless to say, she was excited.

"I know, but I just saw Hana, and my god! She's so cute -- "

"Soo-Jin -- "

"Can you imagine how genetically blessed our child -- no, children, will be?"

"Soo-Jin, calm down. We should not rush things. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Don't you want to enjoy us first?" interjected Sang-Woo who finally stood up from his table to calm her down.

"Why? Why won't you cooperate? You're completely healthy. I'm healthy too!"

"We're not married yet! Our families will kill us if we decide to raise a family without graduating and marrying each other."

Soo-Jin pouted. "Is it really important though? Marriage, weddings... such a waste of time and money for just one day. Graduation? We'll manage."

"My love, listen, I love that you're so excited." He took her hands and placed a gentle kiss at its top. "You know, I've learnt in my classes yesterday that timing is important. If it's meant to happen, it will.  At the right time, at the right place, for the right reasons. We just have to wait, okay?"

A smile graced Soo-Jin's lips. She was very thankful that she had him to really knock some sense into her because sometimes, she gets so eager and thrilled about things. She would even forget to think ahead before doing some things. Sang-Woo balanced her sometimes childish nature with his rationality. She nodded and planted a kiss at his cheek. "Okay, okay. I got it. I was just so excited. Let me cook something for you, okay?"

And with that, she prepared their breakfast. They both didn't have classes that day and were very glad about it since it meant they could rest.

"Well, I was thinking we should slowly plan. How many kids we'll have?"

Sang-Woo chuckled. She was really amazed at how patient he was with her persistence. If it was any other guy, they might already get irritated. He nodded and picked up his chopsticks, diving into her cooked food. "I was thinking we should have three daughters."

"Why only three daughters?"

He swallowed. "I like daughters. Boys are just noisy."

Soo-Jin tilted her head and put her chopsticks on her lips. "I want a son," she decided. "and we will have a son."

"Okay, if that's what you wish."

"Yes, what should we name him?"

Her fiancé paused in thought. "Min-Jun. Let's name him Min-Jun."

The brunette tapped her lips with her chopsticks. "Min-Jun..." articulated she. "In Sino-Korean, Min means, 'quick, clever, sharp' or 'gentle, affable' and jun means, 'talented, handsome'." She grinned, her smile as bright as the morning sun. "It's perfect!"

"Yes, it is." agreed her fiancé, sharing her smile. "Cho Min-Jun..."

"BECAUSE I'M DYING, miss."

Those four words rang continuously inside the woman's ears like a sorrowful song that was on repeat. She felt numb, confused, desolate, dead. She felt dead, like a piece of her inside crumbled and burned into ashes. Suddenly, there was an aura of grey around her. It was like a fog that wouldn’t rise or fade. 

"What? You -- you said in the vents that you're sick and -- and you needed treatment."

"Lymphoma. Stage four. Third return." revealed Minjun, running a hand through his hair. He hissed through his teeth. "The doctors estimated that I only have six months or less left to live."

Her heart stopped.

Exit hope, enter grief.

"That treatment I said?" he resumed talking. "Well, that treatment... I just wanted to travel around the world. I wanted to do all the things I wasn't able to do. I want to be brave."

Soo-Jin couldn't understand why, why the world decided to hurt a young boy like him.

A gunshot boomed across the game hall.

"Player 414, eliminated."

"I've been diagnosed with Lymphoma ever since I was eight. My parents worked hard and honestly to pay for my treatment. We were a well-to-do family, but my parents passed away after their car was hit by a truck." he narrated and if Soo-Jin wasn't so grief-stricken, she'd notice that his words seemed to be off like he was reciting it from memory. "I've almost lived my life in the hospital, miss. I never got to see the world."

No one should be able to cry that hard. Soo-Jin turned to Sang-Woo, who only held a pained expression. He knew it as well.

He sniffed, blinking away his tears. "Sang-Woo and I played earlier and well, he kept his promise to you that he'll protect me. I won, but I don't want to." His shoulders then shook as he heaved gut-wrenching sobs. "I'm tired. I'm tired and scared, to be honest."

And with that, Soo-Jin collapsed in Sang-Woo's arms, the world was now her altar and she wanted them to know her pain.

She wept. She screamed. She cried.

It pained her... to know that the boy she considered like a son. Her dream... it was dying again. Life killed her dream again.

Minjun and Sang-Woo held her. What had she done to deserve this pain? She had been good. She only wanted the best for everyone, but why? Why did life wanted to hurt her in every way? What was their purpose?

They said that things happen for a reason.

Then, what was the fucking reason?

Soo-Jin then stood up and held Minjun's face in her hands with broken hope in her eyes. She refused to believe there was no way out of this game. She breathed, "There must be something we can still do. Sang-Woo and I will find a way for us all to live and -- "

"Miss -- "

"No!" She stepped back and marched over to the guards. "Listen to me, you fucking piece of -- "

"Chang Soo-Jin!" bellowed Minjun, now crying. "I am dying. It's useless."

Soo-Jin returned to him with fire burning in her gaze. "No, you are going to live -- "

"Player 2, eliminated."

The young boy grabbed her hand and pulled her to him, embracing her. "I'm sorry." he mumbled in her ear. "I'm sorry, Soo-Jin."

Her voice broke as she replied. "Why are you saying sorry?"

"Because I've done something wrong, something terribly wrong."

Soo-Jin was baffled. She didn't know what to make of what he was saying. She was grieving for what will happen to him, and now he was saying this things. "Miss, not everything is what they seem. Trust me, I'm not who you think I am."

He seemed to be agitated about something, Soo-Jin noticed. He kept on looking at the guards and the cameras attached on their bodies. He was like being watched.

"Minjun..."

"You know, miss. Sang-Woo and I had a conversation when you fell asleep after the Tug-of-War, and I realized..." he swallowed. "If I'll be given the chance to be reborn, I'd want you two to be my parents."

Soo-Jin placed her trembling hand on his cheek. "That can still happen. You can come with us. We'll -- "

"I'm very grateful I met you two." he looked up to the sky. "I'm glad I met you, Chang Soo-Jin... even for a short time."

"Please, don't do this..."

"You've always been my guardian angel. Now, it's my time to be yours... both of you."

There was a shadow, vague but prominent and taking all her strength day by day, piece by piece, tear by tear. Soo-Jin lamented, to the point where she can no longer control her breath, and choke on the air she inhaled, like a child trying to hold back tears.

"Now, go and don't look back."

"I can't."

"This is my choice, Soo-Jin. Please, let me be brave."

Strike to the gut.

Sang-Woo, beside her, wept quietly. Soo-Jin knew he didn't want to show his emotions, but he couldn't help it. Once the first tear breaks free, the rest will follow in an unbroken stream. He put his hand on the boy's nape and leant his forehead against his, kissing it afterwards. He sniffed, hissed and embraced him like how a father would comfort his own son.

"This is what they want us to see, Sang-Woo..." he whispered, like he was leaving breadcrumbs for them to follow. "Protect her for me, please? Don't let her get into fights." Minjun chuckled, his crystal tears streaming down his ashen cheeks. "Keep her alive and together."

Sang-Woo nodded.

"Trust me. Both of you, do something they're going to remember. You have to win."

"Player 130, eliminated."

The woman was too despondent to respond or even add anything to their conversation. She turned around, still not accepting the boy's choice. She considered, even hoped one day to adopt him. How foolish of her to think that was going to happen.

"Player 199, eliminated."

Sang-Woo walked beside her, his head bent down. Soo-Jin's lips twitched and she wrapped her hand around her companion's. She squeezed it, silently begging for strength and comfort. They were like parents who lost their son. The red-clad staffers began to escort the grieving former couple away from the corridor.

"Chang Soo-Jin!" Once again, Minjun called as the guard cocked the gun. "Live for me, will you?"

A loud crack was heard and Soo-Jin and Sang-Woo jumped, stiffened. The woman shook her head and screamed once again in anguish.

In despair, she grabbed her former lover's arms and sobbed, "I feel like I've been robbed, cheated. I did everything that was good, but still why? Why does it still happen to me? I've been good, right?" She bellowed, shaking him. "Sang-Woo, I've been good, right?"

"Soo-Jin..."

"Why does it hurt so much? Make it stop! Please! Make it stop! He was just a boy who wanted to see the world!"

For a minute, she thrashed around, unbelieving of what just occurred to the boy she tried so hard to protect. Hot tears streamed down her face, and she squeezed his eyelids shut in the hope his tears would stop. Her choppy breathing and watery eyes remained for quite some time, and she finally sat on the ground, unmoving.

She just stayed still, feeling numb. She drowned out voice of the female announcer that declared those who we were dead.

"Player 240, eliminated."

The guards circled around her and Sang-Woo, trying to push them up, but he only asked them to back away and give them time to grieve especially Soo-Jin.

Gi-Hun and Sae-Byeok came into their view and they all shared the same haunting look. They lived, and their partners died.

There was now a gaping hole in her heart, one that couldn't be filled. She had to win now. She can't lose this fucking game. She has to win for the people they have lost. She has to win for her sister.

For Hana, Minjun, Ali, and Ji-Yeong...

The brunette's muscles tensed and she fished out the marble her grandfather gave her. Clenching her fist, she gritted her teeth. She will make it out alive even if she to stain her hands with blood.

Oh, destroy that hope, and what will be left? Grief, sorrow, rage.

And perhaps, madness...

Exit hope, enter rage.

"Let's fucking finish this game."