I don't belong here

"You ready?" She asked, her voice light as it was nearly always.

He nodded, forcing a smile onto his face, "Of course."

This was completely and utterly a lie. He had never felt less ready for something in his entire life.

He had not even entered the room but he could feel the anxiety of not belonging. He wasn't invited. James didn't really want him there. He was only invited because Lily wanted Mry there.

Peter didn't matter. No one wanted him there. No one wanted him. He was better off away from everything. Not bothering anyone. He was better off, not existing. Better off dead.

"Love?" Mary whispered, placing a hand on his shoulder.

His eyes shot to her, focusing on her, practically holding onto every word even if it was only one word that she had uttered.

"You're spiralling," she announced.

He looked down, "No I'm not. I'm okay darling."

"Just be honest about your feelings for once," she removed her hand from him. Distancing herself.

Panic filled his every being. She could not leave him. He needed her. He needed her to love him. He needed her to survive. He couldn't survive without her. He was nothing without her.

He had messed up, like he knew he was going to. Everyone knew it wouldn't last. He had pushed her away, she was leaving him.

He would be alone.

He couldn't live without her. He needed to fix this.

He looked up, "I'm just nervous. I don't like social situations like this. You know that, darling."

"Is that all?" She raised an eyebrow.

He nodded, even though he was lying through his teeth.

It didn't matter if he was lying to her. She would not know, plus she hated when he had those thoughts about not belonging. This would preserve everything, make everything better.

She wouldn't leave him if he lied.

She smiled slightly, "Peter, you can do this. I know they make you nervous but you can do it. Your friends will be there. They always make you feel better."

His friends were the reason he never felt comfortable anywhere. His friends had done this to him. Made him this mess. It was their fault. But he deserved to think these thoughts, they had just shown him the light.

"That they do. Thank you Mary. I love you," he looked her in the eye.

"And I you," she offered her arm to him.

He took it and then apparated away to the house.

They stepped inside, him clinging to her, her removing herself from him.

"Lily! Congratulations, where do I put this gift?" Mary asked, a genuine smile on her face.

She was ushered away, leaving Peter alone.

His thoughts enveloped him fully. Each one clinging to him, dragging him down. He felt as if he was drowning.

He couldn't breathe.

He didn't belong here. He wasn't welcome. He wasn't their friend. He was an extra. Just an extra. An extra Marauder. An extra Order member. An extra human being. Useless. Coward. He didn't belong here. He wasn't like any of the people around him. He was useless. He was scared. No one else was scared. Why would they be? They belonged there. They belonged. He didn't. He didn't belong. He wasn't welcome. No one wanted him there. No one wanted him. No one cared about him.

He couldn't breathe.

He was dying and everyone around him was smiling, laughing. Mocking him. Reminding him that he could never feel that way.

"Wormy, be a dear and fetch me a drink?" Prongs pat him on the back, as if he had been there the whole time. As if Peter was just a constant presence who could only make himself useful by fetching something.

Padfoot smirked, "I'm afraid the only deer one is you James."

"Nice one Sirius!" Peter squeaked out, forcing a smile on his face as he stumbled away to the refreshments.

He poured a glass of Firewhisky, bringing it over to his friend. 

James took it from him, "Thanks Pete. You're a lifesaver."

"Go get your own drink next time, instead of making Peter be a fuckkng errand boy," Moony rolled his eyes.

Peter looked up in surprise.

"But the thing is Prongs, the old chap he is, is too lazy. He'd try to accio one over and end up with the entire bottle. Or worse, he'd end up hitting someone with his glass," Sirius grinned.

Prongs rolled his eyes, "Don't be an arsehole Fluffy."

"Okay that's enough out of you, Bambi," Sirius retorted.

They started a mock fight at that point.

"How you've been, Peter?" Remus asked.

"Good," Peter nodded, "And you?"

Remus raised an eyebrow momentarily, "Good as well."

They both knew the other was lying. But neither wanted to call the other out. No one had the energy to deal with anyone else's problems.

Leaving both alone, with no one to confide to.

Peter had never felt closer to a friend before.