***There will be a short instance of domestic violence in this chapter.***
Wait to start the song.

Things got a little different after medication stopped being mandatory for Josh. He no longer faced the daily struggle of trying to fight through the fog of the medication, but he now had the recurring problem of being unable to filter his thoughts. He'd accidentally revealed far too much about himself in the past year.

The biggest secret had been revealed when Josh was helping Abbie wash dishes while their dad went on and on about how Abbie wasn't ever going to be able to date anyone without his and Josh's approval. He'd gotten a lot more territorial over Abbie since she'd gotten her period this summer and started to get boobs. More often than not, Josh was used as a model for what boys were supposed to treat girls like. He didn't like that.

"And no boy should ever be touching on you," their father continued on. "You's too young. Maybe when you get to be sixteen or seventeen, but you ain't lettin no boy touch you for real until you's married. Y'all ain't sleepin with nobody until you make that right with God. Understand?"

Josh laughed to himself as he took a stack of plates over to the cupboards. "Right, 'cause I've never had sex before."

Silence fell across the living room as Josh set the plates into the cupboard and closed it, turning to find his father and sister looking at him with wide eyes. Oh. That was wrong. He wasn't supposed to say that.

"What the hell did you just say?" His dad asked in an eerily toneless voice.

Josh shrugged, leaning back against the counter. "Nothing."

"Joshua William Dun, you tell me right now what the hell you just said," his father snapped, his cheeks turning red with anger.

Josh glanced at his little sister, who was being uncharacteristically quiet. Her eyes were wide with fear, shooting between Josh and their father and back again. He was going to be in a lot of trouble for this. It wasn't his fault though, right? He was drunk the first time, and after that he just did it because it helped. It was cathartic. That was okay, right? He wasn't hurting anybody.

"You had sex when you were my age. That's when Mama had me," Josh shot back defensively. "You can't yell at me if you did the same thing."

"Yeah, I did do the same thing, Joshua, and it meant your mama had to drop out of high school and we had to start raising a baby when we wasn't old enough to. You think I want you in that position? You think you could even handle being in that position?" His father argued, looking even more angry.

"Well, shit, Dad, I've been raising Abbie long enough," Josh shouted back.

That was the only time in Josh's entire life that his dad ever hit him. His father looked just as angry as Josh felt afterwards, and they both glared at each other. Abbie started crying instantly, but no one was paying attention to her anymore.

Josh was angrier than he'd ever been. He hadn't done anything his dad hadn't done first. He wasn't dumb enough to wind up being a parent at sixteen. He knew better, and even if he did, he'd know how to handle it. Abbie was turning out just fine, and Josh wasn't going to let his dad take credit for that. Abbie was his baby, and she'd attest to that in a heartbeat. She was his little sister, but she was his baby too, and he was proud of who she was despite having someone like him raising her.

For the first time in a long time, Josh wanted to hurt his dad. He wanted to hurt him so badly that he'd never be able to hit him like that again. He wanted to cut his dad's tongue out of his head and slit his throat. Horrible thoughts were flooding through his mind, and he was barely able to hold them back.

"The next time you touch me like that I'll kill you," Josh told his dad in a strained voice, his hands clenched into fists at his sides. "And I won't feel bad about it."

His father's expression changed instantly, looking more scared than anything as he started to apologize, but Josh grabbed his truck keys off of the counter and left the kitchen. He could hear Abbie's tentative footsteps trailing behind him as he headed for the front door, unsure of whether or not she was allowed to come but not wanting to stay. He held the door open for her, letting her skitter past him and run to the truck gratefully.

"Joshua-" Their father started in a broken voice, but Josh didn't stick around to hear the apology.

The screen door slammed shut as Josh hurried down the porch steps and to the truck he and his dad had been building for the past few years. He opened Abbie's door for her, making sure she put her seatbelt on before going over to the driver's side where the seatbelt didn't work at all. Abbie was silent as Josh started the truck and pulled out of the driveway, leaving their little trailer behind. He could feel her shaking anxiously beside him, and he knew she could feel him shaking with rage.

It wasn't a long drive to the marshy stretch of land along the swamp that Josh and Abbie had been hiding at since they were kids. Walking there was always a bit of a hassle, but having a truck made it easier. They were coming here more often lately, and Abbie seemed to relax when she realized where they were.

Start the song. It's Everything is Scary by German Error Message.

As soon as the truck was parked and off, Josh took the keys out of the ignition and climbed out. Abbie scrambled out on the other side, her bare feet squishing in the muddy earth beneath her feet. Josh gave her a piggyback ride to more solid ground, not minding that her heels wiped mud on his jeans as he walked. He sat her down carefully before sitting beside her.

Abbie hugged Josh instantly, keeping it brief so as not to annoy him. "Are you okay?" She asked quietly.

Josh nodded, looking out across the swamp. "I wanted to kill him," he said quietly. "I knew exactly how I was going to do it and everything. I just wanted him dead."

His little sister was quiet, grabbing his hand and tangling their fingers together. He allowed that. Abbie needed him. He had to be calm enough to protect his baby sister no matter how hard that was right now.

"He's your daddy, Josh. You can't kill him. You wouldn't," Abbie said uncertainly.

"I would've," Josh admitted quietly, his eyebrows drawing together as he considered that. "Could you ever kill anyone?"

Abbie's eyes widened. "That's horrible to even talk about, Josh. Of course not."

"I could," Josh continued, not really hearing her. "I think I'd like it too. I like it when people bleed or when they're in pain. It makes me feel good. I don't know why. That's...that's not normal."

He didn't understand why Abbie looked so scared or why she kept scooting closer to him. Her grip on his hand was almost painful. "Would you ever kill me?" She asked quietly.

Josh didn't even have to think about that. He shook his head before he'd even processed the question properly. Of course not. Abbie was precious to him. He couldn't really love her, but he needed her here. She was his translator and the only person he could always trust. Besides, adjusting to life without her would be a lot of work. He couldn't kill her.

"I'd never hurt you," Josh promised, making his sister relax slightly. "But I wanted to kill Dad."

"You were just mad. It's okay. You wouldn't really have done it," Abbie tried to reassure him, but he shook his head again.

"I've thought about killing people a lot lately. Those assholes who always give me shit at school make me want to kill them every day. It's hard not to. I want to strangle them and rip their throats out and shoot them in the fucking head. It's terrifying," Josh said quietly.

That caught Abbie's attention more than anything. "You're scared?" She asked quietly, barely masking her shock.

Josh nodded, feeling frustrated tears form in his eyes. "I think so. I don't know. I'm just...I'm so pissed off that my brain is doing this, but I can't do a goddamn thing to stop it."

"I won't let you hurt anyone. I promise," Abbie said quietly.

He looked at his little sister. They both knew full well that if he wanted to hurt someone, she couldn't stop him. It was a nice sentiment though. He nodded, pulling her head in and kissing her forehead before looking at the swamp again.

"I love you," Abbie told him.

"I know," he replied.

They were quiet for a moment, hearing the night crawlers start to wake up. Josh kept trying to extinguish the overwhelming anger inside of himself, but it wouldn't go away.

"Do you think humans can get rabies?" Josh asked after a moment.

"Yeah, they can," Abbie replied. "You know that."

He nodded. That was right. Somehow he'd forgotten. "You think animals ever see humans and warn their kids to stay away so they don't get sick like us?"

"What do you mean?" Abbie asked curiously, pulling up the grass in front of her and setting it into a small pile.

"Do you think there's a kind of rabies only humans can get? Something that makes them go crazy and get violent and not care who they're hurting?" Josh clarified.

"Josh, antisocial personality disorder ain't rabies," Abbie said gently.

Josh shrugged, instinctually grabbing for the rubber band he no longer wore around his wrist. "It feels the same."

Abbie rested her head on his shoulder, continuing to pull at the grass. "Well, I still love you no matter what."

"What if someday I just snap and hurt you or Dad?" Josh asked, not really listening to her anymore.

"You won't," Abbie assured him.

"We don't know that," Josh told her a bit too harshly.

"I trust that you wouldn't ever hurt me," Abbie said calmly. "You love me, even if you don't know it. You've never hurt me more than you could fix."

"Yet," Josh replied simply.

His little sister sighed. "Then what do we do about it?"

Josh stood up, walking over to the truck and pulling the passenger door open. He dug through the glovebox until he found the gun his dad had given him when he turned sixteen. It was just a pistol. Nothing fancy. He walked back over to Abbie and handed it to her before sitting in front of her. She looked confused.

"What's this for?" She asked.

"Shoot me," Josh told her calmly.

Abbie laughed for a second before she met his eyes, and then she looked scared. "You're not joking."

"Not at all. Shoot me. If a dog gets rabies, you kill it. This ain't any different, and we both know it," Josh told her.

"I can't," Abbie said fearfully, holding the gun out to him. "I won't do that to you."

Josh made no move to take it back. "Abbie, you have to. I might hurt someone someday. You've gotta do this. Trust me. This is the right thing to do."

Tears instantly formed in Abbie's eyes as she looked at the gun in her hand. She shook her head and set it down on the grass, her hand shaking as she did so. Josh sighed when she let out a sob, climbing into his lap and hugging him tightly as she cried against his shoulder.

"Abbie, don't be a fucking baby. I need you to do this for me," Josh told her, trying to push her out of his lap. She clung to him though, holding him tighter whenever he tried to shove her away.

"I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you," Abbie sobbed out, tangling her fingers in Josh's hair as she clung to him, her grip on his hair becoming painful. She held him so tightly that he couldn't escape her, being forced to hold her until she stopped crying.

"Don't you ever try to get me to hurt you again. You're my big brother and my best friend and my hero, and I love you so much. Don't you ever hurt my brother," Abbie told him.

Josh rolled his eyes. "Fine."

Abbie nodded, sitting up and kissing his forehead. She held his cheeks, forcing him to look at her. "You're a good person, Josh. You aren't a rabid dog."

"Whatever," Josh replied irritably, finally pushing her out of his lap. He picked up the gun and took it back to the truck, stuffing it back into its hiding spot. "But you're making a huge mistake."

"I'm not," Abbie assured him, getting up and following him when he climbed into the truck.

Josh drove Abbie home in silence, letting her control the radio. He couldn't stop thinking though. He was dangerous. He needed to be put down. It was just logical. Why didn't she get that? It made no sense to him.

Still, he followed her into the house, where their dad was a little drunk and very unhappy. He looked up from where he was sitting on the couch when they came inside. Josh walked over to him instantly, sitting next to his dad and hugging him tightly. He didn't want to hurt his dad. He knew he was capable of it, but he didn't want to. His dad hugged him back instantly, kissing the top of his head and rubbing his back.

"I'm sorry, bud," his dad said quietly. "I shouldn't never've hit you. You was right. You ain't done nothin I ain't done before. You's smarter than me too, so I ain't got nothin to be worried over. I'm sorry."

Josh nodded, burying his face against his dad's shoulder. He felt less certain now that he'd ever be able to hurt his dad. His dad was precious to him too, but in a different way than Abbie was. Josh couldn't explain that.

"I'm sorry too," Josh replied, mostly because he knew he was expected to say it.

His dad nodded, patting his back a bit too hard before releasing him. He ruffled Josh's hair as he smiled at him with watery eyes. "You know I love you. I just don't want you to get yourself in a bad position."

Josh nodded. "Yeah, I know. I won't."

"You two get ready for bed. You got school in the morning," their father said, wiping at his eyes as he looked back at the TV.

Josh looked at his sister, who was still shaking slightly. He got up from the couch, leading her down the hall. She followed him to his room instead of going to her own.

"Can I sleep in here?" She asked him quietly.

"I guess," Josh replied.

She nodded, disappearing into her own room again. They both got ready for bed on their own, not trying to talk to each other even when they both went into the bathroom to brush their teeth. They didn't say anything until they were climbing into Josh's bed. It was Abbie that broke the silence.

"Do you know what we mean when we tell you we love you?" She asked curiously, hugging the stuffed horse she'd brought to bed with her.

Josh shrugged. "I don't know. You don't want me to die or something."

Abbie smiled slightly. "Or something," she agreed. "I want you to always have the best day of your life and to always smile and to feel good inside. I don't want you to ever get hurt or to be upset or to feel uncomfortable. I want you to always feel taken care of. That's what 'I love you' means."

"Sounds good," Josh replied, closing his eyes.

Abbie laughed, playing with his hair as she closed her eyes. She did that a lot when she was falling asleep or when she was upset. Josh didn't know why touching his hair helped, but it always seemed to be her default when things upset her. It had been since she was little.

"I love you, dumbass," she whispered.

Josh smirked. "I know."

Abbie yawned, twirling his hair around her fingers as she slowly relaxed into the bed. She seemed so tiny when she was falling asleep, like calling her anything but his baby sister was wrong. She was a baby. She was just a little girl who needed to be protected from everything bad in the world. Maybe that was why God had made Josh so incapable of feeling anything but anger. Abbie needed him to be that way so he could protect her. He wouldn't let his baby sister down.