***Trigger warning for mentions of self harm and sexual abuse. Nothing graphic will be described, but there will be a pedophile kissing a teenager in this chapter.***

Start the song. It's Song for a Guilty Sadist by Crywank.

As soon as high school started, Ashley might as well have never known Josh existed. They never even made eye contact. She never said anything when her boyfriend beat the shit out of Josh. She didn't call him to kill spiders or take lizards out of her house anymore. He didn't miss her.

Not having friends or even acquaintances did wonders for Josh's grades. He didn't have to worry so much about trying not to say the wrong thing or trying not to hurt someone when no one was even trying to talk to him.

Apart from the rumours that had spread throughout the school after Josh had lost his virginity (or what was left of it) at a party this summer, no one here seemed to notice Josh, except for the assholes who beat him up and Mrs. Gardea. Josh hated all of them.

Mrs. Gardea was like Josh's mama, but she'd never admit it. There were subtle differences, like that she never made Josh touch her or tried to justify what she was doing with Bible verses, but she still kept him after class sometimes and closed the door so she could touch him without anyone knowing. She was like his mama, just nicer.

Sometimes Josh didn't have to turn in essays, or she brought him lunch. She told him she just wanted to make sure he knew he wasn't alone in this school, but Josh knew better. She just wanted someone to touch now that her husband had left her. Why not choose the fourteen year old sociopath who wouldn't tell her she couldn't?

On the weekends, Josh got drunk a lot. He drank like he had when he was eleven, waking up in strange beds beside people he didn't know. He'd slept with a lot of girls this year, and it didn't bother him when they touched him anymore. He preferred girls who were still virgins because sometimes they bled when he fucked them. Blood was soothing to him, no matter whose veins it spilled out of. He'd had to find comfort in his own blood for a while now, which was part of the reason Mrs. Gardea had kept him after class today.

She had to be as old as his dad, and her nose was large and curved downward like a beak. She always smelled like cheap coffee and too much perfume. There was a concerned look on her face as she watched Josh buckle up his belt tiredly. He knew it was because he'd given up on gauze and long sleeves this week. His stitches were showing, and he couldn't bring himself to care.

"Is everything okay at home?" She asked him carefully.

"Yes, ma'am," he mumbled.

That wasn't particularly true though. His daddy and Marybeth had been fighting a lot lately. Josh was convinced it was because he had been hurting himself more often, and she was the one who had taught him to stitch it up, but his daddy insisted that it wasn't his fault. It was hard to buy that though. Things were usually his fault. He hurt people. That was just what he did.

"Do you feel safe at home?" She pressed quietly.

"Yes, ma'am," Josh repeated, pulling his backpack on.

"You can come talk to me if you need to," Mrs. Gardea told him gently.

"Thanks, ma'am," Josh replied, shuffling his feet. "I have to go," he said as he watched the toe of his shoe trace a square in the carpet pattern.

She nodded, and it took everything in him not to flinch away when she kissed him. He stood still though, letting her kiss his unresponsive lips until she was satisfied. She smiled at him when she pulled away, but he just stared at her blankly. She didn't notice, just like his mama.

He felt numb as he left her classroom, but that was normal for him. They'd upped his dosage to a debilitating amount. His dad wouldn't tell him how many milligrams he was taking, though, because he knew Josh wouldn't take them if he knew. It was like Josh was empty of everything, and that was a source of the arguing at home too. Marybeth said it wasn't normal for someone like Josh to be this vacant, but his dad said they were just doing what the doctor told them to do. Marybeth said there was no way he was taking the right medication if he was still hurting himself like this, but his dad said they were doing as much as they could.

Josh's teeth clenched when a shoulder slammed against his, knocking him against the lockers. Ashley just kept talking to her boyfriend as they walked, not seeming to have even realized he'd just done that to Josh. Josh didn't say anything. He couldn't. He barely felt the lockers slamming against him with how numb he felt. It had to be so unsatisfying to bully Josh. He rarely reacted at all.

Josh just pulled his backpack straps tighter and kept walking. The second time he was stopped in the hallway was less aggravating. His favourite teacher stepped out of his room, smiling when he saw Josh.

"Well well well, if it isn't the only kid in my class who actually passed his test. Studying hard?" Mr. Grant asked with a smile.

Despite how much Josh genuinely liked his geology teacher, he couldn't bring himself to smile back. He just shrugged.

Mr. Grant's smile faltered at that. He held his classroom door open further. "Hey, I had something to talk to you about. Do you have time or do you have a bus to catch?"

Josh couldn't find it in himself to verbally respond, so he just followed Mr. Grant into the classroom, sitting in the chair the teacher pulled in front of his desk. Mr. Grant sat behind the desk, shuffling through a stack of papers.

"Have you ever had your IQ tested, Joshua?" Mr. Grant asked curiously as he pulled out a Manila folder.

Josh shook his head, tugging at the rubber band around his wrist as he watched his teacher open the folder and pull out a few sheets of paper. Josh recognized them as tests he'd taken this semester. Mr. Grant laid them out in front of him. Every one of them was 100% or over, depending on whether or not extra credit had been offered.

"I know you're a little young still, but have you thought about where you wanna go to college after you finish up here?" Mr. Grant asked calmly.

It seemed like Mr. Grant was one of the only people outside of Josh's family who wasn't ever uncomfortable when he was around. In fact, Mr. Grant always said at least one nice thing to Josh every day without expecting anything back in return. He wasn't used to that.

"I'm not going to college," Josh told him, feeling distracted although he was doing everything he could to focus on Mr. Grant. These pills were a nightmare. "I'm just gonna get a job here and help my dad with my sister."

Mr. Grant frowned, but nodded. "That's understandable. Just know if you ever change your mind on that, you're one of the smartest kids I've ever taught. You've got a lot of potential, and I'm always here if you need someone to help you reach it. I've got a lot of faith in you, son."

Through the fog of his medication, Josh smiled slightly. "Thanks, sir."

Mr. Grant nodded. "And you can talk to me about more than just colleges too. High school's rough on everybody, especially the ones who stand out a little more. It can't be easy being as smart as you are in a place where most kids don't even graduate. I won't force you to talk to me, but my door's always open if you ever need anything."

It was rare that Josh had someone offer him help without asking for something in return. He wasn't sure if he trusted it or not, but he nodded anyways. Mr. Grant smiled at him when he stood up, but it was a weird smile. It wasn't fully there.

"I have to go get my sister from school," Josh explained as he pulled his backpack back on. "Thanks again, sir."

"You have a good night, son. I'll see you in class tomorrow," Mr. Grant told Josh with that same weird smile.

"You too, sir," Josh replied, hurrying out of the room and out of the school. He'd rather be anywhere but Prattville High School.

--

Josh was too out of it from his pills to do much else but sit on his bed and watch movies with Abbie when he got home. They used to watch them in the living room, but it was harder to hear their parents fighting with the extra barrier of Josh's closed door.

Abbie always cried when their dad and Marybeth yelled at each other, which was a lot lately. Sometimes Marybeth slept in Abbie's room or their dad slept on the couch, but usually they could patch things up before bed.

At the moment, Abbie was laying with her head in Josh's lap while she brushed out the tangles in a doll's hair. She didn't like watching Child's Play with Josh, but she'd do it if she got to bring a doll. Josh stared blankly at the screen, unable to take in much with how disoriented he felt. He glanced at the door when he heard his dad yell something that involved his name before looking back at the screen.

"Mama says your meds aren't right," Abbie told Josh quietly as she yanked at a tangle in her doll's hair. She'd started calling Marybeth her mama a few months back, but Josh never did. He didn't want to jinx anything. "Daddy says he's doing the best he can and that he don't need her telling him how to raise his kids."

Josh wasn't sure when his sister had gained that new information, but he just kept looking at the screen. He twirled one of her braids around his finger as he blinked tiredly.

His little sister flinched when something broke in the kitchen and the yelling got louder. They both knew their daddy hadn't hurt Marybeth, simply because he never did, and they knew Marybeth hadn't hurt their daddy for the same reason. Someone had just gotten too mad and broken something.

"It's okay, bud," Josh told Abbie, just like their dad always told him.

She set her doll down and climbed into his lap, hiding her face against his shoulder. "Make them stop," she whimpered out.

Josh sighed, lifting her out of his lap and pulling open the drawer by his bed. The best way to get them to stop fighting was to get them to yell at him instead, which didn't bother him, as he'd assured Abbie. Lately, he'd been keeping a bunch of stuff around that house to get himself in trouble so his parents would just shut up. Abbie didn't like when their dad yelled or when Marybeth cried, and Josh didn't like dealing with his crying sister, so he found a solution.

Josh pulled a little bag out of the drawer by his bed, using its contents to make a blunt. He didn't like doing this very much, but it definitely made him feel better than his pills did. Abbie said it smelt like a litter box, but Josh just didn't care. If their dad smelled it, he'd be in here yelling at Josh in no time. The distraction from Marybeth would last even longer since Abbie was in here watching horror movies with him while he did it.

Igniting the end of the blunt with the lighter, Josh sucked in the sour smoke and blew it out into his room. Abbie laid back down beside him, grabbing his free hand as soon as he put away the lighter. She watched the movie tiredly, closing her eyes whenever Chucky hurt anyone.

It took four puffs before the fighting quieted down and Josh heard his dad and Marybeth say his name. Then footsteps were rushing down the hallway to his room. Officer Dun was the one who opened the door, his eyes widening when he saw what Josh was smoking right next to his little sister.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" His father asked incredulously while Marybeth watched in silence. She'd been crying.

"What do you mean?" Josh asked, his voice sounding just as unattached as he felt.

His father's face was turning red with how angry he was getting as he looked from Josh to the blunt to Abbie and back to Josh, who calmly sucked in more smoke and blew it out without breaking eye contact. His dad snapped then. Josh didn't have it in him to process what his dad was saying as he yelled at him, taking the blunt and stubbing it out before pretty much crushing it. He pulled Josh's drawer open, taking out anything drug related while he kept yelling. Josh remained silent, blinking tiredly.

"Bill," Josh heard Marybeth say quietly. "Shut up and look at him."

His father met his eyes again then, and Josh stared at him blankly. His father's eyebrows drew together in confusion as he studied his son. "Bud, is somethin else goin in? Did you use anything else?"

"What do you mean?" Josh asked, feeling Marybeth sit down next to him slowly. He didn't flinch.

"Honey, you don't look like you're feelin too good. Are you gettin sick?" She asked him gently, feeling his forehead. "He ain't got a fever. I think it's his pills, Bill. They ain't the right ones if he's having-"

"All these pills have symptoms, Marybeth," his father snapped. "Some make him throw up, others make him wanna off himself, a couple have made his face swell, one made him get so goddamn mad he broke his baby sister's arm. All these pills do shit like this. I ain't gonna make him take another one if he's just gonna have to have more of these symptoms. We can't do this no more. Look at him. He ain't even in there."

"These just ain't the right ones for-" Marybeth began carefully.

"I can handle him when he's sick. He don't need these no more," his dad decided, leaving Josh's room and going into the bathroom.

Josh watched numbly as his dad pulled the medicine cabinet open and took out his bottle of pills. He blinked in confusion when his dad dumped them into the toilet and flushed them away. Marybeth buried her face in her hands and tried to take a deep breath while his dad stormed out of the house, too angry to stick around without hurting someone. Josh and Abbie glanced at each other, both looking just as confused as the other. What did this mean?

Suddenly, Marybeth got up and left the room. The door closed behind her, and Josh stared at it dazedly. What was happening? Abbie seemed to think the fight was over for now, climbing under Josh's covers and closing her eyes. She held Josh's hand until she fell asleep, her tiny body relaxing into the bed. He slid his hand out of hers then, still watching the door. He'd keep an eye out until his sister woke up.

--

Josh wasn't sure how long Abbie had been asleep for when his door opened again. Marybeth had fresh tears on her cheeks as she came in, looking at both of the kids on the bed. Abbie just kept sleeping, but Josh met his stepmother's gaze.

"Honey, I gotta talk to you about something," she whispered to him to keep from waking up Abbie.

Josh watched her cautiously as she sat down on the bed in front of him. She grabbed one of his hands and squeezed it as she studied him through tear-filled eyes.

"You know I love you?" She asked him quietly.

"Yes, ma'am," Josh responded.

She nodded, brushing his hair back off of his forehead. "I'd be real proud to be your mama. Abbie's too. Y'all know that. I've said it a million times. I'm so proud y'all let me be your mama for a while, but I gotta go now, okay?"

"Go where?" Josh asked, hating his pills for making him sound so stupid.

Marybeth wiped at her eyes. "I'm leaving for good, honey. I love you and your sister and your daddy, but I can't stay here and let him treat me bad just because I won't let him...." She trailed off, taking a deep breath before looking at Josh again. "Look, you don't gotta worry about what your daddy and I fight about. He's a good man, but we don't see eye to eye."

It took Josh a second to process that, but he just nodded once he did. His daddy always used to hit his mama when they fought, but he never once hit Marybeth. Maybe that meant he loved her more, or maybe it meant he loved her less. Josh didn't know. All he knew was that she was leaving, and he'd try to miss her.

Marybeth was the closest thing he had to a regular mama, and she was the second mama to abandon him. She was the only mama he wished would stay. She was the only mama he wouldn't flinch away from when she hugged him and kissed his forehead, saying, "I'm sorry for this, honey. Take care of your daddy and your sister and yourself. I love you so much. I'm so sorry, baby."

It used to scare Josh when his mama called him her baby, but not Marybeth. Not his second mama. Not the mama who was leaving because she couldn't handle their daddy's anger like they could. Not the mama who loved him.

"It's okay," Josh replied quietly before adding, "I hope I miss you."

That made Marybeth cry again though, so it clearly wasn't the right thing to say. She hugged him tightly, kissing his forehead again as she rocked him slightly. He held onto her, not really sure what else to do.

"I'll miss you enough for the both of us. God, I really wish I was your mama. You're an incredible boy. You know that? Your daddy and sister are so lucky to have you here. They been blessed more than they even know," Marybeth told him as she held him close. "You take care of my babies, okay? No more hurting yourself or your sister. I'm counting on you."

"Yes, ma'am," Josh replied, not wanting to let go when she pulled away, but doing it anyways. "I wish you was my mama too."

She smiled the same way Mr. Grant had today as she stood up from the bed. It was a sad smile. An empty one. It faded away as Marybeth stood up, leaving him feeling confused and uncomfortable for just a moment before the medication swallowed those emotions up. Josh felt hollow as he watched her go to the door.

She was really leaving. As he expected, Josh's attachments to the woman were cut off by the slam of the screen door a few seconds later as she left the trailer. Josh just sat uncertainly on his bed. He picked up his baseball bat and slid it back underneath the bed before laying down next to his sister. He was silent while she slept on, blissfully unaware that they were motherless once again. At least he'd be able to start sleeping through the night again.