***Trigger warning for mentions of self harm scars and wounds as well as allusions to childhood sexual abuse.***
Wait to start the song.

Somehow over the summer between seventh and eight grade, Ashley got boobs. Josh didn't know where they came from or how it happened so fast, but on the first day of school, she had them. Her arms were wrapped firmly around her torso as she walked up to Josh's locker, giving him a pleading look.

"I need a favour," she told him.

"No," Josh replied distractedly as he looked over his schedule.

"It's not a big one," Ashley insisted.

"What is it?" Josh asked, starting to close his locker.

"Wait!" Ashley squeaked, stopping the locker from closing with one hand. That was the first time Josh noticed her boobs, and his eyes widened.

"When did that happen?" He asked her curiously.

Since her mom wasn't around to buy her bras, she didn't have one. Even when Ashley wrapped her arms around herself again in embarrassment, Josh still knew they were there. He was still a bit amazed, but there were other feelings too. He couldn't describe any of them, but one of them made him not want to be around her anymore.

"This summer. I just...can I wear your hoodie? I don't want anyone to see," she told him anxiously.

Josh's dad had told him he wasn't supposed to take his hoodie off until the shredded skin on his arm healed, but he figured it was fine since gauze still covered his forearm. He pulled his hoodie over his head and handed it to her, watching her chest more than anything as she pulled it on. Just like that, her small breasts were concealed, and it was almost like nothing about her had ever changed.

"Thanks," Ashley said quietly, pushing her hair off of her face.

Her hair had changed too though. It wasn't her usual puff of curls. She'd straightened it, making it sit on her shoulders in a silky curtain. She was wearing makeup too, which was weird. She didn't look right. She looked good, but she looked wrong.

"You look different," Josh told her, letting her take his schedule from his hands to check and see if they had any classes together. It didn't make any difference to him, but she always checked. "It's weird."

"Good weird or bad weird?" She asked, pulling a pen out of his locker and circling the two classes they had together.

"Weird," he replied, not sure what to classify this change as.

Ashley smiled slightly, "You think I'm pretty now."

"I think, for once in your life, you don't look like a boy," Josh replied, making her smile widen.

"You think I'm pretty," she teased. "You just won't tell me because you're big tough Josh Dun."

Josh rolled his eyes as he closed his locker. "Good thing your personality is still so shitty that it doesn't mean anything."

It annoyed him that Ashley still giggled, but he didn't have time to fire anything back before he was being shoved against his locker so hard that it knocked the wind out of him. He heard Ashley gasp as he was punched hard across the face. He glared right back up at Dallon, who was grinning as he looked at Ashley.

"Is this filthy redneck bothering you?" He asked her smugly.

Ashley was too stunned at actually being acknowledged so say anything, shaking her head slightly. Whether or not Josh was bothering her wasn't the problem though apparently because Dallon punched Josh again, making his head slam back against the locker. Blood poured out of his nose and down the back of his throat. He coughed at the burn of it, making Dallon laugh. Dallon had been doing this for years, and his stupid little friend had fallen right in line beside him when he'd moved here a few years ago.

Still, Ashley was frozen, and it occurred to Josh that she wasn't even looking at what was happening. She was looking at Dallon's best friend, Brendon, who was now talking to her.

"You know, pretty girls like you shouldn't be hanging around with trailer trash like him. What if someday you wound up married to him and had to have his nasty incest babies?" Brendon warned Ashley in much too smooth of a voice for someone who was standing next to a guy who was repeatedly punching Josh in the face.

"Oh! We're not-I'm-He isn't-" Ashley sputtered out stupidly, blushing darkly.

Josh's eyes squeezed shut when Dallon spat in his face, keeping them closed as he felt it run down his forehead. His arms were pinned over his head, keeping him from wiping it off.

"What happened to your arm, freak?" Dallon asked smugly.

Josh kept his eyes shut as his gauze was pulled off, feeling anger grow inside of his chest. He just kept waiting for Ashley to stop being such a fucking girl and say something, but she didn't. She didn't defend him, and she sure as hell didn't seem to care about what was happening.

Dallon and Brendon both laughed when Josh's scarred and stitched arm was revealed. "He's fucking emo!" Dallon laughed out.

"Man, it must really fuck you up to be an incest baby," Brendon snickered out.

After what felt like ages, Josh felt Ashley wipe the spit off of his face with the sleeve of the hoodie he'd given her. She wasn't looking at him when he opened his eyes though. She was smiling at Brendon.

"He's not an incest baby," she said with a shy smile.

Great. She'd come to his rescue with the absolute shittiest defence of all time. She really had changed, and the sick feeling in Josh's stomach spread. Maybe this was just what happened to girls as they got older. He didn't know. All he knew was that he was alone right now, and he had to rely on himself to survive this.

"Oh yeah? Then why's he so braindead?" Dallon countered.

"Right. I'm the braindead one," Josh mumbled, earning himself another rough punch against his cheekbone before he was being shoved onto the ground.

His head smacked against the lockers as he fell, but Ashley was still too absorbed in Brendon to notice. Brendon was looking at her schedule, and she smiled when he took her hand and led her away. Josh watched her go through a rapidly swelling eye, and he knew right then and there that he'd never be able to forgive her for this.

--

Josh went home from school early that day. He called his dad and told him the bare minimum, not saying a word on the ride home when his dad came to get him. He tuned out his dad's lecture about keeping his hoodie on, staring out of the window blankly.

After a few moments of focusing inward only, Josh voiced his thoughts, interrupting his father's rant. "How long does it take for it to go away?"

His father looked confused. "What you talkin bout?"

"The feeling like I want to die. How long does it take for it to go away?" Josh asked, making his father fall silent.

When his father didn't reply, Josh looked at him. His father's eyes were wet, and Josh knew he'd said something wrong. This had happened the last time he'd talked to his father about this feeling. Maybe he wasn't supposed to mention it. He didn't have time to spit out a practiced apology before his dad reached across the center console and took his hand.

"I don't rightfully know, bud. You just gotta stop lettin people push you around. You ain't gotta take none of that bullshit, Joshua, and you damn well know it. You fight back next time," his father told him in a strange tone of voice. "Understand?"

Josh looked at his father, trying and failing to read his expression. "If I fight back, I won't stop until they're dead. I'll get too mad."

His father sighed. "I reckon you're right. I just...this ain't right, Joshua. You're stronger than this."

"Maybe," Josh mumbled, pressing his hand against the fresh gauze the nurse had put on his arm while he was waiting for his dad to come get him. "We'll see."

"Marybeth's comin home from the hospital for the rest of the day to keep an eye on you. You be nice to her. No more makin her cry. She been good to us. You be good to her," his father told him sternly.

Josh didn't respond. He didn't want to be good to her. Just thinking about it made his brain start to short circuit as he shut everything out. He didn't want her anywhere near him if she was going to ask that of him. She hadn't in the year she'd been around, but he was still being careful.

When Josh's dad dropped him off, he walked tiredly inside. His face ached, and he was exhausted. All he wanted to do was sleep. Marybeth wasn't home yet, so he went to his room and pulled his blood stained shirt over his head. He dropped it into his laundry basket before looking at his arm. He and Marybeth had been taking turns stitching it up lately, having to tag team it sometimes when things were particularly bad.

"I'm not braindead, and I'm not an incest baby," he whispered to his arm.

He took in a deep breath and let it out. He took his pants off and changed into some shorts before climbing into bed. Hatred was stewing inside of him as he thought about how stupidly Ashley had been smiling as she'd followed Brendon down the hall and away from Josh. He'd given her his hoodie, and in return she'd taken it and ran off with the person he hated most. He hoped she choked on her cherry poptarts after school.

--

Start the song. It's All of Me Wants All of You by Sufjan Stevens. This song is about childhood abuse and having an absent parent, so don't listen to it if that will trigger you.

Josh felt groggy as he slowly eased out of his slumber. It took him a moment to process that someone was touching his head, but the second he felt someone's long nails brush his hair line, he was wide awake and shooting out of bed like a frightened animal.

Marybeth tried to soothe him quietly, straightening up from where she'd been bending over beside the bed. "It's okay, honey. I was just putting some of this on the gash in your forehead," she explained, holding up a bottle of Neosporin. "I didn't want to wake you up. I'm sorry." When he didn't move, she repeated again softly, "It's okay."

Slowly, he made his way back over to his bed, cautiously climbing back into it. She watched him carefully before sitting down beside him. He was stiff as she helped him to lay back down. She didn't touch him after that though. She just sat by him, messing around on her phone and occasionally making conversation. He didn't understand.

"I ain't sitting in here to be annoying. I just want to make sure you're safe," she explained to him after a while. "It can't be easy to deal with the things you are, and you're being so tough."

"I'm not," Josh mumbled.

"You are. Your daddy and I are so proud of you. Your sister is too," Marybeth assured him. "You're doing so good, honey."

Josh was quiet as he tried to process that. He wasn't sure what made him comfortable enough to do it, but he rolled over so he was facing Marybeth, letting her put his head in her lap. She didn't make him do anything there. She just ran her fingers through his hair, her long nails scratching lightly against his scalp.

It wasn't until about five minutes had passed that Josh finally trusted Marybeth enough to close his eyes. She continued to play with his hair, slowly luring him to sleep, which was oddly satisfying. He held the hem of her shirt loosely as he started to drift off, making sure it wouldn't go anywhere.

"Goodnight, honey," Marybeth said quietly.

Sleep was pulling Josh under quickly, making him distantly wonder if he had a head injury that Marybeth and the school nurse hadn't detected. If anyone ever asked, he'd blame that head injury for his last words before he drifted off being, "Night, Mama."

--

When Josh woke up, it was because Marybeth shifted beneath him. His eyes flew open instinctually, and his grip on her shirt tightened, making sure it was still there. It was. She hushed him, soothing her fingers through his hair.

"It's okay, honey," she said softly. "I was just gonna go answer the phone in the kitchen. It keeps ringing."

Josh lifted his head, looking at his bedroom door. He was grateful to find that his stepmom had left it open. Her intentions in coming in here weren't bad. Josh could hear the TV playing some kid show, meaning his sister was home from school. The phone was ringing too, so he climbed out of bed and went to answer it himself. Marybeth followed, getting a glass of water and some aspirin as Josh picked up the phone before setting them down in front of him and going into the living room to sit with Abbie.

"Josh, I need a big favour," Ashley's voice said anxiously before he'd even said hello.

Anger stirred in him at the sound of her voice. "No."

"Please," Ashley begged, sounding a bit desperate. "No one else is home and I'm scared and I need your help."

Josh hung up the phone without a word, walking into his room tiredly after taking the pills in front of him. He got dressed, sat on his bed, and pulled his boots on tiredly before walking back down the hall.

"I'll be right back," he told Marybeth when she gave him a questioning look.

"Be safe," she told him.

"Can I come?" Abbie asked excitedly.

"No," Josh said before leaving through the front door, hearing the screen slam shut behind him as he walked down the front steps.

Ashley lived a few blocks away just outside of the trailer park. It wasn't far, but Josh still wished he had a car already. He just had to wait one more year before he and his dad could finish up the truck they'd been working on and he could learn to drive. He'd learned bits and pieces, but he wanted to be good at it.

The irritation and anger inside of Josh continued to swell as he walked up Ashley's porch and knocked. After about ten seconds, he heard her run down the stairs, and the door opened.

"You came," she said with a smile.

"I came to get my hoodie back," Josh told her.

Ashley looked down at her torso, which was still covered by Josh's hoodie. Her pajama shorts barely poked out beneath it. She blushed.

"Are you at least gonna come in?" She asked hopefully. "I still need your help."

Josh rolled his eyes. "I don't want to help you. You're friends with Brendon."

Neither of them spoke for a minute after that. Josh flinched from surprise when Ashley hugged him, burying her face against his neck. The tiny breasts that had gotten them into this mess were now pressed against his chest, and it wasn't an entirely unpleasant feeling. He didn't hug her back though. It was only his uncertainty of whether or not she'd break that was keeping him from shoving her away. Her lips brushed his throat.

"But you'll always be my best friend. You know that," she said quietly.

"We're not really even friends. We just know each other," Josh said dismissively.

Ashley pulled back to look at him, but she didn't release him at all. "We are friends. I promise we are. We're best friends. I love you more than I love anybody else."

"I don't love you," Josh replied simply.

Over the years, Ashley had stopped reacting to that statement. This time, she removed her arms from around him and took his hand, leading him upstairs. He didn't protest, but only out of curiosity.

She didn't stop until they reached her room, where she pointed to one of the pale pink walls. "That's why I called you."

A small lizard was sitting on the wall, breathing calmly and causing no problems. Josh rolled his eyes, walking over to the lizard and picking it up before opening Ashley's window and tossing it out. He watched it drop from the second floor window and crash against the ground, a bit disappointed when it scurried away.

"Brendon tried to kiss me today," Ashley said suddenly.

Josh glared at the spot where the lizard had landed. "So?"

"I said no," Ashley continued.

That surprised Josh. Ashley always wanted a boy to notice and kiss her, yet she said no when one tried. What did she really want?

"Why?" Josh asked curiously.

Ashley shrugged, sitting down on her bed and tugging Josh's hoodie down over her knees. "He wanted to touch my chest too, but I said no."

Josh remained silent. He didn't understand whatever she was trying to convey by telling him this. All he understood was that she didn't let Brendon touch her. That was it.

"Come here," Ashley said, patting the bed in front of her.

Josh didn't move. She rolled her eyes before climbing off of the bed and grabbing his arm, pulling him over to the bed and sitting him down on it. He watched her in confusion as she sat across from him. She pulled his hoodie over her head and handed it to him. He couldn't help that his eyes wandered down to her chest before shooting back up to meet hers. She smiled.

"Can I kiss you?" She asked him quietly.

An uncomfortable feeling settled over Josh, so he didn't say anything. Ashley sighed, sitting forward and hugging him instead.

"That's okay," she told him. "You don't have to say yes. I just would rather kiss you for my first time than kiss Brendon. I trust you more."

Ashley smelled just as thickly of cigarettes as Josh did, but she also smelled like the perfume Josh had once helped her steal from the top shelf in her mother's bathroom. She smelled a bit like him too, though, from wearing his hoodie all day. Josh thought about Marybeth and how she'd let him sleep in her lap without hurting him. Maybe not all girls were like his mama. Ashley had never hurt him before, right?

Josh pulled away from Ashley's hug, studying her face for a second. It was okay. She started to open her mouth to say something, but settled for sighing contentedly against Josh's lips when he kissed her. Their lips were clumsy, and Josh was pretty sure they weren't doing this right, but he could feel Ashley smiling against his mouth, so apparently that was okay. When he sat back, she was blushing and beaming at him.

She reached out and pushed his hair off of his forehead gently. "I love you," she told him.

"I know," he replied quietly.

Ashley chuckled before pushing him down onto his back and laying down next to him. She tangled her fingers with his on the hand that wasn't sprained before resting her head on his chest. He didn't say anything, looking over at the open window he'd thrown the lizard out of.

"Can you stay until I fall asleep? I don't like staying here alone when my mama leaves," Ashley said quietly.

"Yeah," Josh replied quietly, placing his bandaged hand on the knife in his pocket.

Ashley sighed as her free arm wrapped around his waist. "I hope my mama comes back soon and buys me a bra."

Josh looked down at her chest, but she was pressed against him, making her breasts hard to see. They weren't that big. She really could probably be fine without a bra.

"You could use duct tape," Josh suggested.

Ashley laughed. "Right. I want to rip duct tape off of my nipples every night before bed. Pass."

Josh didn't laugh. He'd never really thought about Ashley having nipples before. He'd never really thought about any of the girls at his school having nipples before. That was kind of a distracting thought.

"That makes sense," he replied.

Ashley's eyes were closed as she clung to him. "I miss my mama," she told him quietly.

"Why? She don't miss you," Josh replied, feeling a tiny spark of anger flicker inside of himself. He hoped his mama didn't miss him. She wouldn't miss him for the right reasons.

"You're probably right," Ashley replied quietly. "I wish we had better mamas."

"I don't want a mama. I've got my dad and Marybeth and Abbie. That's better than a mama," Josh told her.

Ashley sighed. "I don't have nobody." She smiled slightly then, kissing his shoulder. "Except you. I've got you."

Josh didn't understand what she meant by that. He wasn't her family. He wasn't really even her friend. He was just someone she knew. There was no reason for her to say dumb shit like that. He remained silent though.

"When we're older, I'll let you be the first one to touch my boobs, okay? I just don't want anybody to touch them yet," Ashley whispered to him sleepily.

He glanced at her. She was almost asleep. Touching her boobs wasn't something he was even remotely interested in at the moment. He glanced at them occasionally and liked how they'd felt against his chest when she hugged him, but he wasn't ready to touch them with his hands. Besides, he'd only just kissed her. His dad had said it was best to move slow with girls, especially for people like Josh. Josh didn't really have any intention of going anywhere with Ashley to begin with, but he definitely didn't think he should rush into anything.

"Okay," Josh replied, making her smile.

"Do you really think I look pretty?" Ashley asked him quietly.

Josh rolled his eyes. It always came back to that.

"I guess," he replied, making her smile wider.

"Thanks, Josh," she mumbled. "Thanks for kissing me too."

"You're welcome," Josh replied, feeling his own eyes start to drift shut.

He fell asleep right next to Ashley, and surprisingly, it didn't bother him to sleep beside her. Sleeping next to any girl apart from his baby sister wasn't usually comfortable for him, but he slept like a log. Marybeth hadn't hurt him today and neither had Ashley. Maybe they weren't going to. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.