***Trigger warning for mentions of self harm scars and a cigarette burns scene.***

Start the song. It's Willow Tree by Chad VanGaalen.

The pills didn't work. It was as simple as that. They made Josh feel sick and overwhelmed and suicidal. His doctor kept messing with his dosage too, which wasn't helping the situation. His daddy just kept giving him more and more cigarettes to compensate.

It was hard for Josh to hold his cigarette in his right hand with the cast that encased it. The two boys who always messed with him had broken it a few days ago, and they'd only gotten more angry when he didn't shed a single tear. It had hurt like hell, but he'd never show it.

Josh sat out front of the middle school, waiting for his dad to come pick him up. He was pretty sure that his dad had forgotten about him. School had ended over an hour ago.

After twelve years of having a cop for a dad, though, he'd learned to accept that sometimes his dad was late for things and couldn't help it. He didn't mind anymore. Having some time alone was kind of nice. He didn't have to focus so hard on acting like he was supposed to.

As if God Himself had smacked that idea down, someone sat down next to Josh. It wasn't the worst thing though because it was just Ashley. The kids at school didn't like her very much either. They made fun of her messy hair, quiet voice, and the way her ribs stuck out no matter how baggy she wore her clothes.

"Hey," she said quietly, letting her messy curls fall in front of her face.

She smelled like cigarettes, just like Josh always did. There was no real reason for them to be friends, but there wasn't really one for them not to either. Still, Josh was pretty sure they'd just become accustomed to existing within the same space. Without needing to be asked, he handed her his cigarette.

"Hey," he said just as quietly.

"Your dad isn't here yet?" She asked quietly before taking a long drag off the cigarette.

She'd gotten used to the burn much more quickly than Josh had, seeming to actually like it. Josh hated cigarettes in general.

"Obviously," Josh replied.

A blush flooded Ashley's cheeks at the blunt response, and she smiled down at her dirty sneakers. The toe of her shoe prodded at the small pile of cigarettes at their feet distractedly. They'd been doing this all year.

"Right," she said shyly as she handed the cigarette back to him.

Josh smoked the last of it regretfully, watching Ashley take her backpack off and dig through it. She pulled out a package of poptarts, ripping it open and handing one to Josh as he dropped the cigarette and crushed it with his heel. They were cherry, just like always. Neither of them said a word for a while as they ate, occasionally looking up hopefully when a car came down the road.

"Josh?" Ashley asked, her freckled cheeks pink again. He looked at her instead of speaking, making her blush darken. "Can I ask you a question?"

"I guess," Josh replied before taking another bite of his poptart.

"You can't laugh at me. I'm asking you because you're the only person I can ask," she explained.

Josh rolled his eyes. "Are you gonna ask me or not?"

Ashley sighed before nodding. "Okay." She took a deep breath. "Do you think I'm pretty?"

That wasn't what Josh was expecting to hear, but he looked her over anyways. Her hair was a tangled mess of unkempt curls, her eyebrows were bushy, and she was too skinny. However, her eyes were a colour he didn't see very often, he liked the freckles on her nose, and he found himself looking at her lips a lot.

"I guess," he replied noncommittally.

The half-assed response seemed to be enough for her. She smiled at him, even when he rolled his eyes again and kept eating. "Really?"

"I already said it once, Ashley," Josh responded grumpily. "Don't be annoying."

Even his cold words didn't erase her smile as she watched the road again. "Guys always think my mom is pretty, but boys never notice me."

"So?" Josh replied.

She groaned as if it were obvious, turning to face him from where she sat on the curb. "I'm twelve, and no boy has ever even looked at me."

"Twelve isn't very old," Josh pointed out.

Ashley was getting more and more impatient with his apparent inability to understand what she was talking about. "Josh, girls in our grade already have boobs and boyfriends and have had their first kiss."

"Mostly the annoying ones though," Josh pointed out.

Ashley huffed. "Well, I still want boys to notice me too. I want boys to kiss me and think I'm pretty."

Josh took the empty poptart wrapper from her and stuck it in his pocket since she didn't have any. He wiped the crumbs off of his jeans once he'd finished off his snack. Ashley turned hers over in her hand distastefully.

"Do you think a boy will ever want to kiss me?" She asked him hopefully.

"Why is it such a big deal?" Josh asked irritably, unbearably bored by the conversation.

The girl beside him looked sad then but simply shrugged, resting her head on his shoulder. Her wild hair was in his face, but not so much that he couldn't handle it. They were quiet for a moment as they both watched the street, waiting for their respective parents. Ashley traced the invisible patterns on his camouflage-print cast.

"Have you ever kissed anyone before?" She asked him curiously. Her fingers left his cast, lightly brushing against each of his scarred knuckles.

"Can we talk about something less boring?" Josh asked irritably.

"I just-"

"Ashley, you're pretty and lots of boys are going to kiss you. Can we move on?" Josh asked her a bit more harshly as his boredom took a sharp turn into aggravation.

It seemed as though all of the blood in Ashley's body flooded to her cheeks as she blushed at Josh. Her fingers slid between his as she looked down at her feet. It was awkward with his cast, but she held on tightly anyways.

After a moment of visibly trying to swallow down the question, Ashley blurted out, "Has anyone ever kissed you before?"

"On the mouth?" Josh asked for clarification, not quite understanding why that made her laugh so hard.

"Yeah, stupid. On the mouth," Ashley said through a grin. "And I don't mean like when your mama kisses you goodnight when you're little. I mean an actual girl."

Josh tensed as he pulled his hand out of hers. "I don't want nobody to kiss me."

Once again, Ashley took his hand, more carefully this time. "How come?" She coaxed.

"I don't want nobody I don't trust to touch me ever," he explained tersely. "I ain't kissing anyone I don't trust, and I don't trust anybody."

Ashley was quiet for a second, her thumb softly rubbing his. "You let me touch you. See? We're holding hands right now," she pointed out, lifting their hands off of Josh's lap for emphasis. "You know you can trust me."

Josh looked down at their connected hands. She was right. He didn't mind when she touched him. He liked how soft her hands were and how smooth her skin was compared to the scars that speckled his. It was easy to trust Ashley. She'd never given him a reason not to.

"Yeah, I trust you," he decided.

A smile spread across Ashley's lips. "Good because I love you, even when you're mean."

Josh's nose scrunched up in disgust as he pulled his broken hand out of her soft one. "Don't say shit like that."

Ashley laughed, grabbing his hand back and holding it tightly when he went to pull it away. He surrendered easily, deciding her soft skin was a good distraction while he waited for his daddy to come pick him up anyways.

He let Ashley rest her head on his shoulder. "I'd let you kiss me if you wanted to," she told him quietly.

"And if I don't want to?" Josh asked, mostly for the satisfaction of watching her face fall, which it did.

"You don't have to," she said quietly, looking far less cheerful.

"I'll think about it," Josh told her calmly, looking back out at the road. "They're later than usual."

Ashley chuckled. "Speak for yourself. I usually give my mom three hours before I start walking home."

"Moms are shitty," Josh told her, tensing slightly when Ashley put her hand in his pants pocket. He relaxed, though, when she simply pulled out his lighter and carton of cigarettes. "It's too bad you don't have a dad. Dads are better."

The girl beside him seemed to consider that as she set a cigarette between her lips and lit it. After sucking the smoke in expertly and holding it for a moment, Ashley exhaled and looked to Josh. He met her gaze. It was almost like she was looking for something on his face. He glared at her just in case.

"Can you keep a secret?" She asked him, completely disregarding the cold gaze he'd fixed upon her.

That caught Josh's attention. Abbie told him secrets sometimes, but no one else really did. People didn't trust Josh because he made them nervous. For some reason, he couldn't make Ashley nervous no matter how hard she tried. She was always following him around like Abbie did. The problem was, Josh wasn't sure if Ashley was too itty bitty for him to hit like Abbie was. His daddy hadn't told him if that applied to all girls or just his sister. He couldn't physically force Ashley to leave him alone, and she didn't react when he said mean things or threatened her.

"I can keep a secret," Josh assured her.

Ashley smiled. "Swear?"

They both glanced at the street and then the building again before spitting into their palms and shaking hands. It was a silent promise, and they both knew it couldn't be broken. Josh was sworn into secrecy.

"Tell me," Josh told her, shaking his head when she offered him the cigarette. His leg bounced up and down impatiently when she took another drag off of it instead of just telling him.

As she exhaled the smoke, Ashely spoke calmly. "I think I'm gonna run away."

"Why?" Josh asked curiously.

The fuzzy-haired girl shrugged. "I don't know. Why not? What's keeping me here?"

"You're twelve," Josh pointed out once again. "You wouldn't get very far."

Ashley looked grumpy then. "I could get farther than you would. No one would look for me."

That didn't seem fair to Josh. He was pretty sure he'd be much more successful in running away than she would. If his prescription dilemma had taught him anything, it was that no one fully understood how his brain worked. Finding him wouldn't be easy. Besides, he knew how to survive in the swamps. His daddy had been taking him down there all his life. He'd never be seen again if he ran away.

Besides, Josh didn't want Ashley to go away just because her mom was shitty. If Josh ran away when his mama had been shitty, he would've left the day he was born. That wasn't a good enough reason. Besides, it wasn't logical. She wouldn't survive. He couldn't let her leave.

"If you tried to run away, I'd find you and cut your frizzy little head off," he told her coldly.

Self-consciously, Ashley tried fruitlessly to smooth her hair down. "You wouldn't care if I left," she told Josh.

He shrugged. "You're the only person who isn't always annoying. I wouldn't miss you, but I'd be really bored if you left."

She smiled slightly. "Because we're friends?" She asked hopefully.

Josh raised an eyebrow. "No," he told her bluntly. "Because it throws me off when people leave. I don't want to have to readjust. Besides, I don't want to have to tell my daddy I killed somebody if you tried to leave."

"You love me," Ashley singsonged.

Josh glared at her. "I do not."

"I'm your very best friend, and you love me so much!" Ashley teased, making Josh's blood boil.

"I don't love you at all. Why the hell do you think I don't want to kiss you? You're just an ugly girl that no one cares about," Josh told her irritably, making her fall silent.

All of the mirth that had been on Ashley's face disappeared as she looked down at her shoes again. "Oh."

When she didn't say anything else, Josh waited for her to tell him something that would let him know if she was mad at him. He waited for her to cry. She didn't do anything though. She was just quiet. He didn't know if that had worked or not.

"What are you feeling right now?" Josh asked her curiously.

"Like you're an asshole," Ashley said quietly, and then she sniffled. Oh. She was crying.

Josh wished his dad would hurry as Ashley started to cry for real. His leg bounced impatiently as he watched the street. He didn't know how to handle situations like this, and he didn't want to. He snapped at the rubber band around his wrist.

"I'm not gonna kiss you if you're covered in snot," Josh told Ashley as she continued to cry.

She glared at him. "You're not gonna kiss me anyways."

He shrugged. "I'm still thinking on it."

"Why would you wanna kiss me if you think I'm ugly?" She asked him, still glaring at him weakly.

The answer seemed so obvious to Josh. He shrugged. "Because you already belong to me, so I should probably kiss you while I can."

Her eyebrows drew together in confusion. "What do you mean?"

Josh handed the cigarette back to her as he shrugged again. "Well, I don't want anyone else to take you. That would be bullshit. I found you first."

Ashley giggled, blushing slightly through her tears. "Finder's keepers doesn't apply to people, Josh."

"I ain't talking about finder's keepers, Ashley. What are we? Five? I'm saying you're mine because I put in the effort before anyone else did. I'm your only friend, even if you aren't mine. I'll even prove it," Josh told her seriously.

She nodded. "Okay. Prove it."

"Trust me?" He asked her curiously. She nodded, watching him take her arm before taking the cigarette out of her hand. "Still trust me?"

"Yes, sir," she replied interestedly.

She hissed when he pushed the burning end of the cigarette against her forearm, holding it there for barely a second before pulling it back off. "Jesus," she swore quietly as she pressed a hand over the burn. He waited to see if she was going to get mad at him, but she just took the cigarette back before shoving his sleeve up. "Your turn."

Josh watched her as she pushed his sleeve up. She knew him well enough not to be surprised by the scars and scabs covering his arm, simply finding a clean space and pushing the cigarette butt against his skin. He smirked at the burn of it, finding it much more entertaining than the rest of his day had been. He almost regretted it when the cigarette was removed from his skin.

The cigarette tumbled thoughtlessly onto the pavement as Ashley assessed the burns on their arms. "So are you going to kiss me?" She asked him.

He shrugged, pulling his shirt sleeve back down. "Someday."

Ashley practically wilted. "Why not today?"

"I don't like being kissed," Josh told her.

"I thought you said no one had ever kissed you," Ashley said, looking perplexed.

"Not on the mouth," Josh replied, sitting up straighter when he saw his dad's police cruiser pull into the school parking lot.

"Where did you get kissed then?" Ashley asked curiously.

Josh picked up his backpack, running towards his daddy's car. "See you tomorrow!" He called to her as he ran.

"Bye, Josh," Ashley said quietly. "Wait!" He paused and looked at her as his dad's car pulled up beside him. "Do you really think I'm ugly?"

Josh smirked. "I don't hang out with ugly girls."

Ashley smiled as he opened the passenger door of the cruiser and climbed in, pulling his seatbelt on as he ignored his father's apology. He waited for his dad's voice to stop so he could ask him a question. As soon as his dad's lazy drawl stopped, he blurted out his question.

"Daddy, how do you know if you wanna kiss someone?" Josh asked curiously.

His father seemed surprised as he turned the cruiser out of the parking lot and back onto the street. "I...uh...well, bud, I ain't sure if that's something that would look the same in your brain as it does in mine. What d'you feel like when she's around?"

Josh shrugged. "Most the time I wanna punch her in the face, but sometimes I like talking to her."

Officer Dun seemed to think on that for a second. "Promise me you ain't gonna hit her in the face?"

"I promise," Josh replied, still waiting for his dad to answer his question.

His daddy sighed. "I s'pose that might be as close as you can get to having a crush, bud. Don't you hit no girls though, or I'll tan your hide. Got it?"

"Okay," Josh agreed, looking out the window. After a moment, he looked to his dad. "How'd you know I was talking about a girl?"

His father chuckled. "I raised you better than to think otherwise. You wanna get into Heaven, don't you?"

Josh didn't fully know what that meant, but he nodded anyways, looking out of the window again. "You know how I promised I wouldn't let nobody smoke my cigarettes?" He asked his dad.

His father sighed. "Joshua, who'd you share 'em with?"

"Ashley. She didn't bring hers. She ain't got nothing wrong with her brain that makes her have to smoke. She actually likes them. It's kinda gross," Josh told his dad. He looked at his dad once again, his brow knitted together in confusion. "Why do I wanna kiss her if she grosses me out?"

Officer Dun laughed. "That's just how the chips fall sometimes, bud. The first time I kissed your mama, she had to scoop the dip out her bottom lip first, and she tasted awful."

"Gross," Josh mumbled, tugging at the rubber band around his wrist. "I don't think I wanna kiss her anymore."

Once again, his father laughed as the cruiser pulled into the little U-shaped parking lot in front of the elementary school. Abbie beamed as she hopped up off of the ground and ran to the car. "Well, bud, that's your choice to make. Kiss her or don't. I don't give a shit. If she don't want you to kiss her, though, you don't touch her. Okay? You never touch a girl who don't want you to and it ain't never too late for her to change her mind and say no. Understand?"

"I understand," Josh replied, smiling when his dad ruffled his hair.

"That's my boy," his dad said proudly as Abbie opened the passenger door and climbed into Josh's lap instead of taking her own seat.

"Josh, guess what!" Abbie said excitedly. "I drew you a picture in art today. Look. It's a deer."

Josh took the piece of paper she handed him. It was the shittiest picture of a deer he'd ever seen. He glanced at his dad to find out if he was allowed to say that, but his daddy gave him a warning look, so he sighed.

"Thanks, Abbie. It's nice," he lied.

She beamed, hugging him tightly before sitting back to look at her brother as he buckled her in with him. "I worked real hard on it. Everybody else was drawing people, but I know you don't like people, so I made you a deer instead because you like those."

"I like to shoot those," he corrected.

"Joshua," his father warned.

Josh sighed once again, wrapping his arms around his little sister. "Thanks, Abbie."

"You're welcome," she said cheerfully. "Our teacher said to draw something for the person we love most, so I had to pick you obviously."

Josh smiled slightly, ruffling her hair like their dad always did to him. She giggled, dropping back to lay against his chest. He looked at his dad, who smiled at him. He was doing good. The pills weren't helping, but he was doing good.