Start the song it's Lee (Columbine High Harmony) by Coma Cinema.
***Trigger warnings for thoughts of self harm and thoughts of Josh's mom.***

Waking up after taking his pills always left Josh groggy and a little bit disoriented. It was even more disorienting to wake up in a bed that didn't belong to him with his head on a girl's chest. He knew it wasn't Abbie's because there was no way her chest was this big. Her arms were wrapped around him, and for a moment, Josh panicked. His bleary eyes shot up to study her face, and his hands held on tightly to the hem of her shirt. Relief washed over him when he realized it wasn't his mama. It was Ashley. It was okay.

Josh's grip on the hem of her shirt relaxed before his hands slid underneath her shirt to hold her hips lightly. She remained fast asleep, breathing slowly and softly. Her arms remained wrapped around him, holding him close. He wasn't sure how they'd gotten into this position, but it made him think about Marybeth. She'd let him sleep in her lap without any fear of being hurt in any way. That was a nice feeling.

Ashley sighed quietly in her sleep, and her hand rubbed his back slightly. He watched her curiously. She'd been so scared when he'd gotten here, but she looked calm now. The sound of Dusty's television show downstairs was blasting, but Ashley remained calmly sleeping. Why was she calmer when he was here? Just because she knew he could beat Dusty up? Was she like this when Brendon was here?

Even just the thought of Brendon annoyed Josh, so he moved up a little bit and kissed Ashley. It took a second for her to wake up enough to kiss back, but she smiled into it when she did. Josh didn't care about that though. He deepened the kiss, squeezing her hips just a little bit tighter. Ashley hummed softly, smiling when he broke the kiss and rolled over to lay next to her.

"What was that for?" Ashley asked sleepily, rolling over onto her side to look at him shyly.

Josh shrugged. "I got bored."

She laughed, sitting up before climbing up to straddle his lap. He let her, yawning as she brushed his hair off of his forehead. She smiled brightly.

"You're gonna hate me for saying this, but you're pretty cute," she told him with a grin.

"You're fucking annoying," he mumbled, rubbing sleep from his eyes.

She giggled, sitting forward and kissing him. It only lasted a couple seconds, but she was still beaming when she sat back.

"My bed's comfy, huh?" Ashley said with a grin.

Josh hummed in agreement, feeling like he could easily go back to sleep. His bed was comfortable, but Ashley's was like a fucking cloud. Ashley squeaked when he pulled her back down to lay on top of him, wrapping his arms around her before closing his eyes.

"You woke me up, and now you're going back to sleep?" Ashley asked through a giggle.

"Mmhm," Josh mumbled.

"You're cuddly in your sleep. Did you know that? You kept pulling me closer and nuzzling against me with your cute little nose. You're like a puppy when you're asleep," Ashley told him, running her fingers through his hair as she spoke.

Abbie used to always wake Josh up and make him go back to his side of the bed when they were younger. He wasn't sure why he got so close to people while he was asleep, but his dad had told him that before too. On one of the nights he'd slept in his dad's room to keep himself from hurting anybody, his dad had made him sleep on the floor because he kept getting too close. His dad still did that from time to time, but Abbie had just gotten used to having her brother practically cemented against her while she slept. It didn't seem like Ashley minded either.

"I don't mean to," Josh told her tiredly.

Ashley grinned, kissing along his jaw softly. "It's okay. I like it. Most guys I sleep with either just leave after sex or fall asleep on the other side of the bed and stay there. We didn't even have sex, and you're still snuggly in your sleep."

Josh didn't really want a history lesson on all three thousand of the guys Ashley had allowed into her body, so he simply mumbled, "We can have sex after I sleep a while longer. That creep downstairs ain't gonna stop being disgusting unless he really thinks he's got competition anyways."

Josh's eyelids slipped shut tiredly, and he barely had the energy to groan in annoyance when Ashley kissed his nose. She giggled before laying down on top of him again, burying her face against the crook of his neck. Her breath was hot against his skin, but thankfully Ashley's house was always freezing in the summer. She didn't seem to know that her air conditioner had settings apart from high.

When footsteps passed by Ashley's door again, she didn't so much as flinch. She just remained tucked away against Josh's throat, wrapped up snugly in his arms. Josh rubbed her back slightly.

"Good girl," he mumbled lazily.

He felt Ashley smile against his skin. She pressed a kiss to his neck, but didn't reply. He smirked. She was getting better all the time. He liked her so much better when she kept her pretty little mouth shut. He fell asleep contentedly to the sound of nothing but her breaths. If she could keep quiet like this all the time, he'd have no problem with keeping her around.

---

It was dark outside when Josh woke up again. Ashley had somehow escaped his grip and was now sitting up in bed, typing something on her phone whilst looking a bit off. Josh was too tired to determine if she was upset or not, so he just shifted over to lay his head in her lap before closing his eyes again. Ashley's fingers slid through his hair without hesitation.

"Are you awake?" She asked gently.

"Mmhm," Josh hummed out lazily.

Ashley typed out one more thing before setting her phone down on the bed and starting to massage Josh's back. His pills always made him feel groggy and sore when he woke up, so the feeling was much appreciated.

"It's kind of insane how long you've slept today," Ashley told Josh as her soft hands kneaded out the knots that had formed in his muscles. "Should I be worried?"

If Ashley's hands weren't magically drawing out years of tension from his back, Josh would probably say something rude to remind her that they weren't dating and therefore worrying about him wasn't her problem, but he was too distracted. Instead, he grumbled some sort of response and buried his face against her bare thigh. She laughed.

"Are you sure you're Josh Dun? Aren't you supposed to threaten to kill me right now or something? Tell me it's none of my business why you're so tired? Say that I-" Ashley cut herself off with a soft gasp when he started sucking a purple bruise onto the inside of her thigh. He nipped at it with his teeth before soothing the skin with his tongue. "Holy shit, Josh."

Josh grinned, pressing a kiss to the mark before closing his eyes again. Ashley's hands continued to massage his back, although she was clearly distracted now.

"You're being such a good girl," Josh praised Ashley, not losing a second of making sure she knew he was in charge, even when he was distracted. "Aren't you a good girl, Ashley?"

"Mmhm," she hummed out contentedly. "I'm trying to be a good girl. I promise." Josh smirked when she self-consciously added, "Do you really think I'm a good girl?"

Josh trailed open-mouthed kisses up her thigh, stopping just before he reached her panty line before laying his head on her thigh again. She was trembling as she tried to keep rubbing his back. Although Josh could keep teasing her if he wanted to, his pills were making him feel off.

"You're the best girl, princess," he told her lazily.

They both knew it definitely wasn't true. She was whiny and annoying, and he'd never met a girl as stupid as her. Manipulating her was easier than manipulating anyone else, though, because she was just so pathetic. She was desperate for any attention he could possibly give her, and it felt unbelievably good to be in control of how that attention was distributed. He'd shower her in it for now, but it wouldn't last long. Spoiled girls were never fun.

Ashley practically shivered at Josh's praise. Her hands left his back to play with his hair, which felt just as good when his pills were making everything inside of him feel dull and barren. At least he was feeling something on the outside.

"What time is it?" Josh yawned out.

Ashley picked up her phone again, clicking the button on the side before smiling. "It's ten o'clock at night. Why? Are you finally awake?" She tossed her phone to the side again.

"Not sure," Josh replied simply. He sat up, wiping sleep from his eyes as he tried to reorient himself in Ashley's bedroom. His pills really did make him feel out of it.

"Are you hungry? I can make you some food," she offered shyly.

Josh yawned. "Nah, I better get home. You can walk me out though if you want, and I'll make out with you against the door until that creep downstairs gets over himself."

A smile tugged at Ashley's lips as she blushed. "Okay, but what if he looks at me weird?"

"I'll kill him," Josh replied simply. "Or I'll fuck you right there in front of him, so he can wrap his tiny little brain around the fact that you don't fucking belong to him."

Ashley's eyes widened at that, and her cheeks burned dark red. Her lips tugged into a shy smile. "Who do I belong to then?" She asked quietly.

She shivered once again when Josh kissed her deeply, pushing her borrowed shirt up just enough to hold her bare hips as his tongue brushed against hers. She melted and whimpered when he bit her bottom lip, tugging it slightly.

"Who do you want to belong to?" He asked her calmly, his voice still gruff with sleep.

The weak and trembling girl in front of him whimpered at the question, sliding her arms around his neck and kissing him once again lightly. "You. Brendon doesn't protect me, and I don't want his dad. I just want you. I want to belong to you. Can I? I'll be a good girl. I promise," she begged meekly, her eyes wide with desperation.

Josh smirked, sliding his hands down from her hips to her thighs before trailing them back up to grab her ass. She gasped when he abruptly pulled her in closer. He nipped at her bottom lip. She made this too easy.

"Of course you belong to me, princess. You owe me so much that you have no choice. Just don't get confused, Ashley, because I'm never gonna belong to you. This ain't a two-way street. You may be a good girl, but that's all there is," he told Ashley in a mockingly sweet voice. "You're still just my little slut. Got that?"

Ashley nodded, clutching onto Josh desperately. "Yeah, I understand." She was grinning widely. "I'm yours."

"Don't get too excited. You're not special. I'm fucking you because you owe me. I don't have any interest in you except for when I want to get off," he reminded her coldly before releasing her and climbing off of her bed.

"Okay," Ashley agreed quietly as she climbed off of the bed as well.

She played nervously with the hem of her borrowed shirt while Josh pulled his jeans on. Apparently she wasn't as dumb as he'd thought, though, because she didn't ask him any stupid questions. She just patiently waited for Josh to buckle his belt before pulling his shirt over her head and handing to to him. He pulled it on wordlessly, deciding instantly that he liked when he was fully dressed and she wasn't wearing anything but her underwear. She looked vulnerable. He didn't. She was vulnerable. He wasn't.

Ashley smiled when Josh wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her close before kissing her deeply. She went up on her tiptoes to deepen the kiss further as she wrapped her arms around his neck. Her bare chest was pressed against his clothed one, and there was power in that. He could break her so easily right now. Nearly all of her tender flesh was available to him right now, and he could easily bruise it or slice into it. They weren't there yet though. She had to trust him completely before she'd let him truly hurt her. They'd get there. He could be patient.

The breathless smile Ashley gave Josh when their lips separated made him want to laugh. She had no idea how malleable her boundaries were. He'd bend them and mold them until they fit what he wanted, and she'd let him because she was stupid enough to do so.

"I wish you could stay," Ashley told him quietly, beaming up at him naively.

Josh shrugged. "I wasn't supposed to go anywhere today anyways, so you're lucky I came at all."

"Thank you," Ashley replied with such sincerity that he wanted to laugh once again.

Instead, he tucked her hair behind her ear and smiled at her warmly. She blushed.

"Go get dressed. I've gotta go," he reminded her.

"Right. Sorry," she said quickly, going over to her closet and pulled a random hoodie out. She pulled it over her head, and Josh was momentarily taken off guard.

Ashley didn't seem to understand why Josh was staring at her. She shifted self-consciously, pulling the hoodie down slightly. He couldn't say anything for some reason, though, and he could see her discomfort growing. She looked anxious as she turned to go back to her closet. Josh grabbed her arm, though, and pulled her back to him.

"You still have this?" He asked quietly, unable to tear his eyes away from the hoodie he'd let her borrow when they were fourteen.

Ashley looked confused for a second before she seemed to register what he was talking about. It didn't even cross his mind to make fun of her for not realizing the hoodie belonged to him when it had his last name written on the back. It was his hoodie from when he'd played football in middle school before his dad had made him stop because he got too violent. Josh had loved football though, and not just because he could give people concussions without being yelled at. His daddy and Abbie and Marybeth used to come to all of his games, and for once it had been like he was just a regular kid.

Things were different now. He didn't need to be a normal kid. He understood now that he was far better than the idiots he went to school with. He was smarter and stronger and much better at getting them to do what he wanted. Yeah, a couple of dickheads beat him up a few times a week, but he knew he'd get them back someday. He just didn't know when or how yet.

"You left it here. I don't know. I didn't think it was a big deal," Ashley said nervously, tearing Josh from his thoughts.

He shook his head, feeling irritated that she'd forced him to think about things he didn't want to. She wasn't supposed to be the one in charge. She'd fucked everything up.

"It's fine," he mumbled, heading for the door.

"Wait, does that really bother you? You can have it back if you want," Ashley offered anxiously.

"Keep it. I don't care," he told her irritably.

Josh's sudden change in attitude seemed to really shock Ashley, which was stupid, given how long she'd known him. She trailed behind him uncertainly as he picked his hat up off of the floor and went downstairs. He situated the hat on top of his messy hair as he walked.

Despite how uncomfortable Josh felt, he stopped at the door and kissed Ashley, making sure her back thumped loudly against the door when he pushed her against it so Dusty would know what they were doing. It wasn't very satisfying though. He just felt uncomfortable. It was a feeling he couldn't describe. It made him think about his mama, and he hated that.

"There's a party tomorrow at Billie's house. You should come," Ashley said quickly when the kiss broke.

"Maybe," Josh replied, already shifting Ashley out of his way and opening the front door.

In spite of how dumb she was, Ashley apparently knew better than to push him right now. She just nodded, forcing a smile. "Thanks, Josh. Drive safe. Let me know if you need anything."

Josh didn't respond, just walking down the porch and across the lawn to his truck. His discomfort was slowly shifting into anger as he drove through the dark night back to his trailer. He didn't know why he felt so mad, but he did. It pissed him off that some stupid hoodie had triggered something in his brain that made him annoyed with his dad and even more angry with his mama. There was something else sitting under the surface too that made him furious.

Some little part of him wondered if his mama would've come to his football games and if she would've sided with his dad when he made Josh quit playing. He hated himself for the tiny part of him that wished his mama had been there so she could've seen that he was stronger than she'd thought. When he played football, he wasn't some weak little boy who fearfully did whatever his mama told him to like he had been when she was around. He was a force to be reckoned with that plowed through kids twice his size. Had she known that angry part of him existed back then, or had she thought he was just a victim? He wasn't. He was not a victim.

Josh felt sick when he parked in front of his trailer. He was shaking when he walked inside. The scent of cigarette smoke told him his daddy was home, but he wasn't in the living room. Josh walked quietly to his dad's room. The door was open, so Josh didn't knock. He just laid down on the bed next to his dad, who was smoking while he sat up reading through a case file.

"Hey, bud. You get everythin' taken care of with that girl?" Officer Dun asked without looking up.

Josh didn't answer, feeling bile rising in his throat. He hated his mama. She'd been gone for ten years, and she was still affecting him. He hated her. She made him so angry and uncomfortable, and he couldn't even tell anyone why. The anger building inside of him made him want to tear his flesh open and rip out the pieces of her that were stuck underneath his skin like he'd been rolling in fibreglass.

"Dad, I want to hurt myself," Josh informed his father, just like he'd been told to.

Officer Dun looked up instantly, his eyes wide. "What? Why? What happened? Did somebody hurt you?"

It wasn't honest, but Josh shook his head anyways. "No. I just feel...weird. Bad weird. Off. I don't know. It's making me mad."

Officer Dun nodded although he couldn't understand. "You stay in here with me, okay? Ain't nothin' gonna hurt my baby boy. Not even him. I got you, bud. You just close your eyes and try to get a little sleep. I ain't gonna let nothin' happen to ya while you's asleep. I swear."

Josh nodded before forcing his eyelids shut. He felt the bed shift beneath him as his dad moved closer to him, but it didn't make him nervous. His dad would protect him. He'd be there until Josh woke up, making sure nothing bad ever happened to him. At least he had one parent he could always count on.

"I miss playing football," Josh told his dad without opening his eyes.

His father hesitated, and Josh flinched without meaning to when his dad took his hat off for him and tossed it onto the floor. "Easy, bud. It's just me," Officer Dun soothed softly. "You wanna try playin' football one more time for your senior year? I ain't gonna let you keep it up if you get too violent, but if you wanna give it another try, I ain't gonna say no."

Josh hated the people who played football at his school, though. Brendon and Dallon both did. If he would be playing for a different school, maybe he would try again, but not for Prattville High. He shook his head.

He felt his father's fingers brush his messy hair back, and he relaxed this time under the touch. His dad wouldn't hurt him. He'd earned Josh's trust a long time ago.

"You let me know if you change your mind, okay? If you wanna do sports again, you just let me know. I'm sure we can work somethin' out. You get some sleep, bud. I just gotta finish this file, and then I'll go to bed too. Your sister been asleep for a while. She crawled in your bed damn near an hour ago. She waited for you to come on home, but I told her you might not be comin' home 'til the mornin'," Officer Dun said tiredly.

"Did I scare her again?" Josh asked curiously.

"You scared both of us, bud. You know I don't like you drivin' around much on those goddamn pills," Officer Dun replied.

Josh opened his eyes and looked at his dad, who was reading through a bunch of papers tiredly. Officer Dun seemed surprised when Josh grabbed one of his hands before closing his eyes again. It took a second for Josh's dad to squeeze his hand back, but he didn't let go.

"You know I love you?" Officer Dun asked Josh carefully.

Josh nodded drowsily. He didn't feel so much like hurting himself anymore. Even if his mama were here again, he knew his daddy wouldn't let her hurt him. His daddy would make sure she knew that Josh was strong and capable of fighting back now. He'd protect Josh from her, just like he protected him from everything else. For the first time since he was an eleven year old boy in a hospital bed, Josh fell asleep holding his dad's hand. He was okay. He was safe.