Wait to start the song.
***There will be violence, mentions of Josh's self harm, and mentions of Josh's mother in this chapter.***

Josh put off cleaning the mud out of his truck for as long as possible. He only gave in when they were at his aunt's house, and he didn't want to deal with her annoying kids asking him inane questions anymore. There were four of them, and they were all under ten years old. They all lived with their mama and daddy in a trailer that wasn't any bigger than Josh's, but they didn't seem to mind.

Since Abbie was the only other "woman" in the family, she'd immediately been roped into having to help cook while Officer Dun and his younger brother, Jerry, watched the kids play in a plastic pool in the front yard. Abbie had whined that Josh should have to help or that their dad should, but she hadn't stood a chance. Their uncle was worse than their dad when it came to bossing girls around, and he'd put her in her place before Josh could even open his mouth to say he'd help her.

Without Abbie, Josh was losing his mind. There were too many people here. He couldn't handle it. If one more toddler asked him why there were such big holes in his earlobes, he was going to snap their neck.

Apparently it had been pretty clear to all of the adults that Josh was getting far too irritated with the kids because his aunt had handed him a bunch of Windex wipes, a bottle of dish soap, a bucket, and a sponge and sent him out to wash his truck. He'd thanked her and practically ran out of the trailer. No one complained when he cranked the radio in his truck up too high and filled the bucket with water from the hose.

Start the song. It's Narcissist by Sage Francis.

"What're you doing?" A little voice asked Josh as he dipped the sponge into the soapy water.

"Cleaning my truck," he replied shortly as he started scrubbing the mud off of the exterior.

Hannah, a tiny seven-year-old who looked almost exactly like Abbie had when she was that age, was watching him with wide, green eyes. "How come?"

"It's dirty," he replied again, wanting her to go away more than anything.

"Oh," she replied, watching curiously. "How'd it get so dirty?"

Josh took in a deep breath to compose himself as his irritation grew. "I took Abbie fishing."

The amount of pressure Josh was applying to the sponge as he scrubbed at his truck was unnecessary for getting the thin layer of mud off, but it was essential if he wasn't going to snap at a little girl. For just a moment, he wished he was on his pills. Then there'd be no risk of him shoving Hannah down into the dirt or telling her to go fuck herself.

"My daddy goes fishing too," she told him, and Josh's blood boiled when she walked up to his truck with her pink painted toes and dirty hands and touched the spot he'd just cleaned.

"Where is your daddy?" He asked her in a tight voice.

"With your daddy. They been talkin' bout football though, and I don't care 'bout that. My brothers do. I ain't allowed to play football though, so I don't care," Hannah replied, not noticing that Josh glared at her when she started drawing pictures in the mud.

"Why can't you play football?" Josh decided to ask since she clearly wasn't leaving. He still slid the wet sponge through her picture, pretending he didn't notice that she pouted as it was washed away.

"It ain't ladylike. I can't do nothin' they can do. Zebediah's only three and he can already do more things than me. It ain't fair. He don't never have to help mama with dinner or clean up after nobody. He gets to play sports too. He'll probably get a truck like this someday, but I won't. Daddy says he's drivin' me to school when I'm older, so I won't get into no trouble like your mama did," Hannah said calmly, pushing one of the straps of her swimsuit back up her shoulder when it fell down. "Where's your mama, Joshua? What'd she do?"

Josh sighed, dropping the sponge into the bucket and lifting Hannah into the bed of the truck before going back to cleaning. She giggled at her newfound height.

"I don't know where my mama is. She got knocked up when she was my age and left when I was yours. She ain't part of this family," he told her as he washed away the rest of her drawing.

"What's her name?" Hannah continued, making Josh's jaw clench.

"Laura," he mumbled bitterly, scrubbing far too hard at a chunk of mud clinging to the side of his truck.

Hannah climbed up onto the toolbox on the back of the truck, watching Josh closely. "How come do you always get mad when you talk about your mama?"

Josh was getting so angry that his hands were shaking, and he would give anything not to have to have this conversation. He couldn't wait until he could go home. Officer Dun liked to visit his brother, but Abbie and Josh suffered every time. They suffered in different ways. Abbie had to cook and clean and babysit and never got to do what she wanted to do. Josh had to answer a lot of aggravating questions and allow his aunt to try and mother him.

Ever since his mama had left, his aunt had tried to take her place. She didn't understand why he hated it so much, and she was always quick to say that anything and everything he did was a result of his illness making him vulnerable to the devil. She told his dad about that daily.

"Bill, he's drinking because he's got the devil in him. Bill, he hurt Abbie because he's got the devil in him. Bill, he flinches when I touch him because he's got the devil in him. Bill, he swears because he's got the devil in him. Bill, he cuts himself because he's got the devil in him. Bill, he put that ring in his nose because he's got the devil in him. Bill, he sleeps around because he's got the devil in him. Bill, he said he was going to kill my son because he's got the devil in him. Blah blah blah."

"Joshua?" Hannah said again, and Josh realized he'd zoned out. She repeated her question when he looked at her. "How come do you always get mad when you talk about your mama?"

"She's got the devil in her," Josh replied quietly.

They looked up when his aunt called from the house, "Dinner's ready!"

Hannah reached for Josh so he'd help her out of the truck. He sighed and picked her up before setting her on the ground. Zebediah and Malachi were already racing up the steps and into the trailer while Officer Dun and Uncle Jerry trailed behind, laughing around their cigarettes.

Despite only having washed a small portion of his truck, Josh dropped the sponge into the bucket and followed Hannah to the steps. Talking about his mama had made him too irritated to be hungry, so he wasn't in any rush.

The moment Josh's foot crossed the threshold, his little sister was pulling him inside and to the table, pushing him into a seat. "Sit by me. I need you to sit by me. I missed you," she insisted in a hushed whisper.

Officer Dun sat on Josh's other side. His brother took the seat beside him while Hannah, Zebediah, and Malachi slid into the seats by Abbie. Their mama carried little Judah in and set him in his high chair. He was only a year old, but Josh was pretty sure he already had more freedom in this house than Hannah did.

It took every ounce of strength in Josh's body not to say anything back when his aunt slid into her chair across from him and immediately said, "Jesus Christ, kid. Seems like every time I see you you stretch them ears wider. Next thing you know, they gon' split right down the sides. What're you gonna do then?"

Officer Dun ruffled Josh's hair, no doubt having felt his muscles tense at the statement. "I like 'em. I think they make him look tough. He is tough. Why not look it?" He smiled at Josh then, and Josh smiled back slightly.

"I like 'em too," Malachi said with wide eyes. He was nine, and a million times more irritating than any of his siblings. He wanted to do everything Josh did. "I'm gonna do that when I'm big too."

Josh's aunt guffawed. "Like hell you are."

Jerry laughed. "We'll talk about it when you's older. Lynne, you wanna say grace?"

Josh's aunt sighed, holding her hand out for her husband to hold before grabbing one of baby Judah's. Malachi grabbed one of Judah's too, and everyone took the hands of the people next to them instinctually. Josh was glad he only had to hold hands with Abbie and his dad. He didn't want anybody else to touch him, especially his nasty ass aunt.

Grace was said, and dinner continued to worsen with every passing second. Every conversation was a potential landmine, and no one would let Josh just remain silent. Silence was expected of Abbie and Hannah, but not Josh and the little boys. Abbie was the only person Josh wanted to speak to though, and that wasn't really happening.

It was Malachi who set the ball rolling. "Joshua, what happened to your arms?"

Josh didn't even look up from his plate. "None of your business."

"How come?" Malachi pressed.

"It ain't got nothing to do with you," Josh responded simply.

"But-"

"Mind your damn business," Josh snapped.

"For Pete's sake. If you don't want him to ask, just wear a fuckin' jacket," Jerry said before taking a sip of his beer.

Officer Dun jumped to Josh's defence before he could do it himself. "It's over a hundred degrees outside, Jerry. He ain't gonna wear a jacket just 'cause your kid can't shut his mouth when he's told."

"When your girl learns her place, my son will too," Jerry spat back.

Josh scoffed. "Which one?"

"Excuse me?" His aunt screeched as all Hell broke loose.

Jerry started shouting at Josh, making his two youngest children cry. Hannah argued with Zebediah when he tried to defend himself before overturning his plate of food onto his head. Officer Dun yelled right back at his brother and sister-in-law. Abbie yelled mostly at Lynne, and Josh didn't blame her. Josh watched the chaos unfold in silence, trying to figure out how he'd triggered such a large reaction from his entire family. It wasn't until his aunt slapped Abbie that Josh lost it.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" He yelled at her, standing up so fast that his chair fell back.

"Go to Hell!" Abbie screamed at the same time.

The entire table fell silent when Abbie slapped their aunt right back. Chaos erupted again as Officer Dun pulled Abbie behind himself so quickly she almost fell over while he yelled even more. Josh was angrier than he'd ever been. He could barely register anything anyone said as he glared at his aunt and tried to keep himself from hurting her. His anger won out though, and his dad had to hold him back too as he almost climbed across the table to beat the shit out of his aunt. Abbie was holding him back too, begging him not to do anything.

"You bitch! What the fuck is wrong with you? Don't you ever touch my sister again, you piece of shit. You are the fucking devil!" Josh yelled at his aunt, making her husband have to hold her back too.

"You ungrateful little shit!" She screamed.

"You never gave me nothing to be thankful for!" He yelled back, his father having to yank him back once again when he almost climbed over the table again.

Lynne's face was turning purple as she glared at him. "Your mama was right to leave you. You got the devil in you, and you ain't never gonna be rid of him til the day you die. And when you do, my babies and I are gonna laugh because at least we'll know there's one less demon in this world. You'll be burnin' in Hell, just like you deserve."

Maybe Josh's dad could keep him from crossing the table, but he couldn't stop Josh from picking up a beer bottle off the table and launching it at her. It hit her square in the chest, exploding into a storm of green glass shards. She screamed, and her kids were panicking too. Josh's dad dragged him to the front door, and Abbie timidly scurried around the table to assess the small cuts on his aunt's neck.

"I may go to Hell, but you'll be right there with me, so you damn well better be scared," he told his aunt coldly as he yanked himself out of his dad's grip and left the house himself. His dad hurried along behind him.

"Joshua-" Officer Dun said carefully as he reached out to grab Josh's arm.

"If you touch me right now, I'll beat the shit out of you," Josh warned his father as he kept walking to his truck.

"Bud-"

"Leave me the fuck alone!" Josh yelled at his dad, yanking his truck door open.

Before he could get in, his dad grabbed him and pulled him against his chest, hugging him tightly so his arms were pressed down at his sides. Josh tried to fight his way free, but he knew he couldn't. Finally, he gave up, and the aggression redirected itself to his tear ducts. It was rare that Josh cried, and his dad knew how much it scared him when he did. At the first sob, his father's arms tightened around him.

"I got you. Don't you worry. I got you," his father said quietly.

Josh held on tightly to the back of his dad's shirt as he sobbed against his chest. "She hit Abbie," he croaked out.

His father nodded, rubbing his back slightly. "I know, bud, but I also know your sister. She can hold her own. She don't need you to assault your aunt on her behalf. I ain't makin' excuses for that bitch or sayin' you was wrong for helpin' your baby sister, but you can't hurt people like that. You know you can't. I know you was just too angry, and you couldn't handle it, but you can't do shit like that. Look, bud. I'm gonna gonna drive y'all home. I don't want you behind the wheel today at all. You're gonna take a pill when you get home and go lay down. Understand?"

Josh sobbed as he nodded again. He was still so angry that he was shaking, but he knew he'd kill his aunt if he did anything other than what his daddy said to do. He had to go home.

The front door opened again, and Josh heard Abbie quietly say, "Oh, Joshua."

Before he knew it, she was hugging him too. He kept his face buried in his dad's shirt, but he still felt her kiss his cheek.

"He's gon' be okay. How's your aunt?" Officer Dun asked Abbie.

"She got lucky. She just has a few scrapes. She says she ain't calling the cops as long as Josh leaves," Abbie reported quietly, not releasing Josh either.

"Let's get him home then. He needsta take a pill anyhow," Officer Dun said with a sigh. "You okay, baby girl? She ain't hurt you too bad, did she?"

"I'm okay," Abbie said quietly as she soothed her fingers through Josh's hair.

Honestly, Josh was scared she'd get hurt if his dad didn't keep restraining him. He was also afraid of his own outburst, mostly because his dad was keeping him from physically doing anything else to get his anger out. All he could do was sob into his father's chest and wait for the anger to go away, but it just kept exploding inside of him.

When Josh's father went to release him, he gripped the back of his shirt tighter and sobbed. "No. I don't want to hurt anybody. Please, Dad. Please. You can't let go yet."

Instantly, his father's arms were around him once again. "Shhhh. Don't you cry. I got you. I ain't leavin' you. I won't let you hurt nobody. I got you."

Josh nodded, squeezing his eyes shut and breathing his dad in, trying to find something to ground himself. He felt Abbie take his keys out of his pocket and heard her go start the truck, but he didn't move. He clung tightly to his father and waited for this storm to pass. His dad didn't let go, holding him tightly until his breathing finally started to slow, and his sobs finally ceased.

"You good to go home?" His dad asked carefully when Josh didn't release him.

After a moment, Josh nodded and let go of his dad, stepping back and wiping at his eyes. "I hate her," he told his dad shakily.

Officer Dun nodded, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and guiding him back to the truck. "I know, bud. I ain't happy with her neither, but that ain't no excuse to hurt her. Abbie got her hit in. She took care of herself. I'm proud of you for protectin' her, but she can do some o' that on her own now too. She's a big girl."

Josh nodded, letting his dad open the truck door for him so he could slide in next to Abbie. "Okay," he told his dad quietly.

Officer Dun tilted Josh's head down and kissed his forehead. "I love you so much," he said to Josh as if it was a very serious matter. "You and you sister are all I got in this world, okay? Y'all're my babies. Y'all're the best damn thing that ever happened to me, and I'm so goddamn glad y'all stick up for each other the way you do. I don't think y'all realize how rare it is for siblings to be as close are y'all are. That's a gift from God, so don't ever lose that. Understand?"

"Yes, sir," they both replied easily.

Officer Dun nodded before closing the door and walking around to the driver's seat. Josh laid his head on Abbie's shoulder, not wanting to ask her to protect him from this but still knowing he couldn't do it himself. Thankfully, she seemed to understand. Her arm wrapped around him as she allowed him to be afraid. Her hand soothed through his hair while she pressed a kiss to his forehead. Exhaustion from his outburst was coming quickly for Josh, so he closed his eyes and let his sister protect him for once.

When Josh woke up, he saw the familiar rotting nativity scene on the lawn that told him he was home again. His dad helped him out of the truck and back into their home before watching closely as he swallowed down his pill and went into his room. Abbie followed him wordlessly, crawling into bed beside him when he pulled his sheets up over his head and closed his eyes.

"Hey," Abbie said quietly. "Thanks for protecting me."

"You could've handled it on your own," he replied distantly into his pillow as his pills slowly stomped out his anger and caressed his exhaustion.

Abbie shrugged. "Maybe, but I know you show love by protecting people, so I still appreciate it. I love you, Joshua."

"I know," he whispered.

Abbie sighed before climbing across Josh and crawling back under the covers so she could look him in the eye. "Look at me," she told him sternly. His tired eyes drifted up to meet hers. "I love you exactly as you are, and I wouldn't change anything. You're the best brother I could ever ask for. The devil is not inside you, and you are not going to Hell. You're the best brother in the whole world, and God knows that. He does."

"I could've killed her," Josh whispered to Abbie. "And I wouldn't have cared."

"But you didn't," Abbie pointed out. "Besides, Maybe now she'll shut her mouth."

Josh smiled slightly as he wrapped his arm around Abbie and closed his eyes. "I'll punch anybody who hurts you. I promise."

"Deal," she agreed. Her fingers tangled in his hair then. "But I'm safe right now, so get some sleep."

"You're my best friend," Josh told her through a yawn.

"You're mine too," Abbie replied cheerfully. After a moment she added, "dumbass."

Josh smiled, pulling her closer. "Night, dumbass."

Abbie giggled. "Night, dumbass."