Start the song. It's Survivor's Guilt by Coma Cinema.
***There will be mentions of Josh's self harm and his childhood abuse in this chapter.***

Officer Dun wasn't too happy when his son came home at noon with scratch marks on his uncovered back, hickeys all over his neck, and a bite mark on his shoulder. He sighed when Josh came in, getting up and going into the bathroom. Josh was just about to go into his room and find a shirt when his dad caught him by the arm carefully.

"Here," Officer Dun mumbled tiredly, taking Josh's hand and setting a pill in it.

It was rare that Josh had to take his pills. He'd taken one the night before last when he'd almost hurt his sister, and he couldn't remember when the time before that was. His eyebrows drew together in confusion as he looked up at his father.

"What? Why?" He asked, feeling his stomach drop.

He didn't want to feel the complete numbness his pills gave him. Amusement, anger, annoyance, and satisfaction had become constants in his life, but the pills robbed him even of those. Taking his pills when he didn't feel out of his mind always spelled danger for him.

Officer Dun sighed once again, guiding Josh into the kitchen before filling a cup with water and handing it to him. "Whenever you's startin' to get sick again, you start off with little reckless things like you runnin' outta the station yesterday afternoon. I didn't realize how bad it was 'til you didn't come home last night. I been up all goddamn night waiting for you, and now you's just gonna waltz in here shirtless after obviously fuckin' some girl? We gotta stop this episode 'fore it starts, bud. You take that pill and go lay down."

Anger spiked in Josh, churning dangerously with annoyance. "I ain't having a goddamn episode, Dad. I'm not being reckless either. I left because she needed me, hung out for a while, fucked her only because she wanted me to, used protection, stayed the night because she wanted me to, had breakfast with her family, and let her keep my shirt because she wanted to. I wasn't being reckless, Dad. I was trying to be nice."

Officer Dun wiped a hand down his face in frustration before nodding. "Okay, Joshua, but you gotta understand that you can't run out on me like that no more. I spend a hell of a lot more time than most parents do worryin' about you, and shit like that don't make my job no easier. You shouldn't've done that. Understand?"

"Yes, sir," Josh replied, letting his father take the pill from him once again. He kept the water though, taking a sip before adding, "You don't need to worry so much about me. I'm fine."

The words did little to soothe Officer Dun, who took Josh's scabbed wrist in his hand and turned it so Josh could see his mess of a forearm. "You honestly think I ain't worried when you hurt my little boy? Don't you bullshit me, kid. I know fine when I see it, and this ain't fine. You come talk to me when you wanna do this. Wear a rubber band again if you gotta, but don't you hurt my baby no more. Understand? When you was a'scared you was gonna hurt Abbie the other night, you was real smart to come sleep in my room. Okay? The next time you wanna hurt yourself, I want you to protect yourself from it like you would if you was Abbie. You got that?"

"Yes, sir," Josh replied regrettably, rolling his eyes when his father hugged him.

"There ain't no way for me to explain to you how much I love you, so I just need you to think about how much you always feel like you gotta protect your baby sister and times that by a million. That ain't even close to how much I love you. Even when you's my age with a wife and kids o' your own, I'm still gonna worry 'bout you and baby you. That's my job. You are my baby, just like your sister is," Officer Dun told him seriously.

Josh nodded, letting his dad kiss the top of his head before releasing him. "Thanks, Dad."

"You don't gotta thank me for nothin'. You just gotta stop bein' such a goddamn dumbass," his father told him before patting his back harshly again and leaving the room.

Josh rolled his eyes once again, but he was smiling this time. He yawned as he dug through his drawers for something to wear. He'd slept in until a pretty decent time at Ashley's, which was admittedly rare for him, but that meant he'd have less time to fish today. He had to get ready fast. Maybe Abbie would come with him. She usually talked too loud and scared all the fish away, but she was still good company for the most part.

After quickly getting dressed, Josh went across the hall to Abbie's room. She was reading on her bed, her bright red hair braided into a halo around her head. Josh thought that was pretty fitting for her. Abbie didn't say anything when he laid down on her bed next to her, watching her brown eyes hungrily devour the words in front of them. She's always been a good reader. Josh used to make her read every night, and she's quickly grown to love it.

A few moments faded before Abbie finished the page she was on, slid a bookmark in, and closed her book, looking at Josh. "You scared us last night."

"I'm sorry," Josh recited to her, just as he knew he was supposed to. "I didn't mean to scare you."

His little sister sighed, rolling over so she was facing him. She picked his hat up off his head and set it down between them before sliding her fingers into his hair. Josh yawned as she played with his hair, making them both smile.

"You've got a lot of hickeys, Joshua," Abbie whispered to him through a smirk.

Josh chuckled. "Yeah, well, you should see the other guy."

Abbie laughed, taking her hand out of his hair to wrap both arms around his waist. She buried her face against his chest, snickering into the fabric of his shirt. He laughed with her as he rubbed her back softly. If his dad's love for his kids was stronger than Josh's need to protect Abbie, Josh had no idea how his dad could stand it. There wasn't a single thing in Heaven or on Earth that Josh wouldn't do for his baby sister. She was his best friend.

"I love you," Abbie told Josh, finally releasing him in favour of sitting up to put his hat on over top her braided halo.

"I know," Josh replied, watching her readjust the hat so it faced backwards like he always wore it. He smiled slightly. "Hey, I'll let you wear my hat if you come fishing with me."

It was rare that Josh let his baby sister wear his hat for extended periods of time, so her eyes lit up at the prospect. "Are you serious?"

"Goddamn right I am," Josh assured her with a grin. "You feelin' up to it? I'll buy you a slushy on the way too."

Abbie was already up and out of bed, pulling her overalls out of her chest of drawers and fishing around for a shirt. "You should get hickeys more often. It makes you nicer."

Josh laughed. "That's some solid advice."

"Close your eyes, so I can change," Abbie told Josh although she was already pulling her pajama shirt over her head.

Josh rolled his eyes before closing them, yawning once again. "Hurry up before I fall asleep."

He grunted in surprise when Abbie's shirt hit him in the face. "Be patient, asshole." Then, in typical Abbie fashion, she finished with, "I love you."

"Yeah yeah. Whatever."

---

Thankfully, Abbie had brought her book with her, so she wasn't scaring the fish away. She just sat on the lawn chair Josh had found in their shed and read her book, sipping at her slushy as she did so. It had to be nothing but watered-down juice by now with how hot it was, but she didn't seem to mind. By four o'clock in the afternoon, Josh had caught two fish that hadn't been too little to keep. Both were spotted basses.

"Did you know Prattville has one of the most haunted places in Alabama?" Abbie asked without looking up from her book.

She'd taken her shoes off when they'd gotten to the lake, so her bare feet were dragging through the mud with every swing of her legs. She was smiling though, so Josh wasn't too worried about having to clean his truck. His baby sister was happy, and that was what mattered most to him.

"I think so. Is it the swamp?" He asked her as he walked back over to her, sitting his second fish down in the cooler next to her.

She hummed affirmatively before sipping her slushy. "This book says Bear Creek Swamp is haunted by a woman whose child got lost in the swamp."

Josh had heard that before. He didn't by any means think it was true, but it was a cool story. If the swamp was haunted, he'd know about it. He was out there all the time.

"You think that's true?" He asked her as he picked up the styrofoam cup of worms sitting beside the two fish in the cooler and took the lid off.

Abbie shrugged her tiny shoulders. "I dunno. It's a cool thought."

"Yeah, it is," Josh replied as he pulled out a worm.

Abbie didn't pay much attention to Josh then as he impaled the worm with the hook at the end of his fishing line easily. She didn't like fishing because she felt bad for the worms and the fish, but she liked hanging out with Josh, so she tagged along anyways. He liked having her here to tell him tidbits from her books and to get excited whenever a fish jumped.

Once again, Josh wondered how his dad could handle loving his kids as much as he did. Josh couldn't love his little sister, but sometimes protecting her was overwhelming and exhausting. He couldn't imagine how hard it would be to love her on top of that. That sounded miserable.

"Have I ever told you you're my best friend?" Josh asked her as he walked back out to the water and cast his line before sitting down on the rocks.

Abbie looked up from her books and smiled. "Yeah. Have I ever told you you're mine?"

"Yeah," Josh replied calmly, looking out at the water. It was mostly still, but every now and then a fish would jump and break the surface. "I'm sorry I scared you yesterday...and the night before."

Abbie was quiet for a minute, making Josh start to worry. He looked over his shoulder right when Abbie sat down next to him and rested her head on his shoulder as she looped her arm through his. She sighed quietly.

"I knew you wouldn't hurt me," she assured him. "I knew you'd protect me. You always do. You're a good brother."

Josh nodded, wondering if that would weigh on him more if he loved her. He turned his head to kiss her forehead before looking back out at the water. She stayed there beside him, seeming happy just to rest her head on his shoulder and watch the water.

"I'm sorry you have to protect me from everything," she said suddenly.

"I don't have to," Josh assured her. "You're my baby sister. If anyone ever hurt you, I'd kill them. It's not because I have to. I want to. I want to keep you safe."

Abbie nodded against his shoulder. "Sometimes I wish we could run away, just you and me. Then Daddy wouldn't bother me so much about being a girl, and you wouldn't have to justify yourself all the time. You're already kinda like my parent, so we'd be okay."

Josh sighed, setting his pole down and rearranging the rocks around the base of it to keep it upright. Once he was sure it was stable, he looked seriously at Abbie.

"Bud, I know you don't like dad scaring you with all that sex talk and trying to keep you at home all the time, but he's just trying to protect you. Remember the first time I told him I'd had sex and he hit me? He's scared. He was always scared because Mama had me so young. Elle scared the shit out of him because that was everything he was afraid would happen to you. Now he's being a dick about it, but it ain't all his fault. Besides, I don't want you having sex either. You're just a kid," Josh stated.

Abbie groaned, and Josh was surprised by just how aggravated she really was by what he'd said. He thought he'd read the situation okay there, but clearly he was wrong. "I don't want to have sex right now, Josh. I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want none of that. I just wanna hang out with you and Debby and read books and have a fun summer. It's just annoying that people think they control me all the damn time. Dad lets you have sex all the time, and he don't even let me have friends who are guys. That's not fair, Josh. You know it isn't."

"Yeah, well, I dunno. Maybe it's a Bible thing or something," Josh replied simply.

Abbie released his arm in favour of wrapping both of hers around her knees. She huffed in frustration. "He does a lot of things the Bible says aren't right. The fact that you even exist makes that pretty clear."

They were quiet for a minute, an uneasy tension settling across them as Josh considered that. He'd never really thought about how his conception had been a sin. His mama had only been sixteen when he was born, and his daddy had been seventeen. They definitely hadn't been married. Josh's mama had told him once when he was little that his daddy had knocked her up in a pickup truck. Josh tried really hard not to remember the things she told him, but that one had stuck. Maybe that was why Josh was so sick in his brain. His parents had pissed God off, so they'd gotten Josh as punishment.

"That was rude to say. I'm sorry," Abbie told him softly, laying her head on his shoulder once again. "You made Daddy a better person once you were born. You were the best thing that ever happened to him. He tells you that all the time."

Josh thought about his mama though. She was the worst thing that ever happened to him, and he still couldn't figure out what God was punishing him for when He'd given him her for a mother. Maybe He hadn't been punishing Josh. Maybe He'd been trying to punish his mama. It hadn't worked though. She'd taken everything she wanted from Josh and then disappeared. She hadn't really lost anything.

A tug on Josh's line saved him for having to come up with a response to what Abbie had said. Instead, he picked up the pole and started reeling in his catch. Abbie waited patiently as the fish skidded its way defiantly across the shallows. It was pretty big, and it was fighting hard, but Josh wasn't too worried. He'd caught bigger fish than this one. The fish flopped around helplessly as it left the lake, air filling its gills instead of water. Josh watched it suffocate calmly as he cut the line next to the hook and carried the largemouth bass over to the cooler.

"You wanna head home?" Josh asked Abbie as he closed the cooler, no longer in the mood for fishing.

Abbie stood up from the rocks and went over to her stuff, gathering it up. "Okay. Hey, Josh?"

"What's up?" He asked as he lifted the cooler up and set it in the back of his truck. His muscles tensed in surprise when she hugged him from behind. It took him a second to push down the discomfort that had seemingly risen out of nowhere enough to turn around to hug her back. Once again, he said, "What's up?" This time with a bit more meaning.

"I love you," Abbie told him quietly. "I'm glad you're my brother."

Josh kissed the top of her head, right in the center of her braided halo. "I'm glad you're my sister."

"I'm glad I am too," Abbie assured him. She squeezed him tightly around the middle before releasing him. "Thanks for letting me come with you."

"Anytime," Josh replied easily.

He helped her load her chair into the back of the truck before closing the tailgate. She smiled when he opened her door for her, helping her to climb up into her seat without setting down her slushy or her book. He closed her door behind her and walked back around to his door. He climbed in next to her, fishing his keys out of his pocket and sticking them into the ignition, making the ancient air conditioning roar to life. Abbie whined when it immediately blew hot air in her face, cranking the window down instead.

Josh laughed, as he shifted his truck into gear and headed toward home. "You think if I drive fast enough it'll feel like actual air conditioning?"

"It's worth a shot," Abbie replied as she set her muddy feet up on the dashboard. Josh didn't complain. "You think Dad'll be the one to pull you over?"

"Let's hope so," Josh replied with a smirk as he pressed down hard on the gas.