***Trigger warning for self harm and alcoholism. If you're reading this and haven't read Lividity yet, I'd actually suggest you read that first.***

Wait to start the song.

Josh didn't feel anything as they waited for the doctor to come back into the room. His body still ached from the alcohol poisoning, too small to handle so much toxicity. He glanced at his little sister, Abbie, who was shaking beside him on the hospital bed. She was small too. He grabbed the seven-year-old's hand beneath the sheets.

Their father was sitting on the bed with them as well. His arm was wrapped protectively around Josh's shoulders, his hand resting atop Abbie's messy red hair. With his arm wrapped protectively around his small children, he looked less like a big scary cop with a gun. He was still in his uniform though. They must've called him at the station when Josh was brought into the emergency room.

It made Josh's already weak arms ache as he lifted his sister into his lap, only for his father to move her out of it and into his own. "I got her, bud," Officer Dun told Josh carefully, sounding like he was afraid to speak too loudly.

The almost lazy drawl of his father's thick Southern accent made Josh feel more comfortable. It was familiar. It was a sound that he knew meant whatever was bothering him was going to go away. It was a safe sound.

Abbie reached her hand out for Josh's again. He took it carefully, just like his daddy taught him to. He'd told Josh the same words over and over ever since Abbie had been born. "You gotta be real soft when you touch her, Joshua. You may be big and tough, but she's still just an itty bitty thing. If you break her, we can't fix her. She'll be gone."

Readjusting back to life without Abbie would be weird, so he did what he could to be nice. He still messed up sometimes and hurt her or made her do things that got her hurt, but he never did it on purpose. And if he did do it on purpose, it wasn't his fault. He couldn't help it.

"Daddy, am I in trouble?" Josh asked curiously, tugging at the hospital bracelet around his scarred wrist.

Officer Dun looked tired. He probably had trouble sleeping, though, while his eleven-year-old was being treated for alcohol poisoning. Josh didn't understand why he worried so much about stuff like that. It wasn't like worrying would fix anything. If anything, it just annoyed Josh and caused more problems.

"I ain't decided yet, Joshua. We ain't gonna worry bout that none til we hear what that goddamn doctor's gonna say," Officer Dun told Josh, looking at him with that weird expression that wasn't just sad.

Josh studied his father's face carefully, glaring at the man when he couldn't figure it out. Abbie whimpered and his father protested when Josh yanked the little girl into his own lap before pushing against his dad's side roughly.

"Get the fuck away from me. I don't want you here!" Josh told him angrily, not caring much that Abbie was starting to cry again as he pushed against his father as hard as he could before punching his shoulder.

His father grabbed both of his wrists, pushing him back down on the bed and holding him down no matter how hard he tried to fight him off. He hated his father for looking so patient right now.

"Don't you hit me, kid," his father told him worriedly. "You ain't even angry. You're frustrated. That's different. You gotta breathe."

"I'm not frustrated!" Josh yelled, nearly knocking Abbie off of the bed as he tried to fight his way out of his father's grip. She climbed out of his lap as quickly as possible. "I just hate you. I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!"

It wasn't until Josh's foot collided with his sister's face and he heard the thunk of her hitting the floor that he stilled. He broke the rule. He broke a big rule. He held his breath as he waited for it. Sure enough, his little sister let out a wail, and his father was releasing him to go help Abbie.

Josh didn't want to get in trouble. He wanted his daddy to like him still. He didn't want his daddy to yell at him. He didn't want his daddy to not want him anymore. He didn't want his daddy to leave.

Start the song. It's Nicole Dollanganger's cover of Marilyn Manson's The Reflecting God.

"I'm sorry," he said quickly, repeating the practiced phrase again and again. "I'm sorry, Abbie. I'm sorry, Daddy. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt nobody. I promise. I'm sorry."

It was just his luck that the doctor came back in while his father was helping Abbie back onto the bed, a river of blood pouring out of her nose as she cried. Josh got mad again then. It wasn't his fault he kicked her. It wasn't his fault she was crying. It wasn't his fault she was bleeding. His daddy made him. He told Josh he wasn't mad and wouldn't get off the bed and held him down. It wasn't Josh's fault.

The doctor's attention went straight to Abbie too, and Josh hated him just as much as he hated his father. He couldn't stop himself from getting more and more angry. He wanted to tear the skin off his bones and give his dad something to worry about. He wanted to peel away every inch of his skin until his dad could see that on the inside, he really was angry. There wasn't any frustration inside of him. It was just rage.

Josh's tiny body was shaking from the fire of that rage as he snapped at the rubber band around his wrist. He snapped it again and again, harder and harder, louder and louder. Snap. Snap. Snap! He glared at the band when it broke under the force of the final snap.

Despite how angry he was, he wanted his daddy to see he was angry. He wanted his daddy to feel guilty for making him angry. He wanted his daddy to apologize. He wanted his daddy to pay attention to him and not Abbie.

When his daddy didn't look at him, he started raking his fingernails down his scarred arms, scraping away the flesh until blood beaded up to the surface. Satisfaction swelled inside of him when he heard his daddy's voice.

"Joshua! Goddamnit. It's okay. You said you was sorry. You ain't gotta punish yourself, bud. It's okay," Officer Dun said quickly, leaving the doctor to care for Abbie as he hurried back over to his son, sitting down on the bed beside him and hugging him.

Josh closed his eyes, but didn't hug back. He breathed in his father's cologne and the heavy scent of cigarette smoke that clung to all three of the Duns wherever they went. When his daddy went to pull away, Josh sunk his nails into his father's arms and pulled them back around himself.

"No," he told his dad sternly.

His father chuckled as he pulled his son into his lap, holding him close. His daddy didn't usually let him do this anymore. He said once kids got big, their parents didn't hold them anymore. Josh had told him that he didn't want his parents to hold him. He especially didn't want his mama to hold him, and he didn't miss her one bit now the she wasn't around to do it. He just wanted his daddy to be nearby so he'd know he was safe.

"I got you," his father told him, ruffling his messy dark curls. "Don't you worry bout nothin."

Josh watched the doctor help Abbie to sit down in a chair. She was still sniffling, but the doctor had given her a sucker, so she didn't seem that upset. Josh knew this meant it was time for the doctor to talk to him, but he wasn't ready for his daddy to let go of him just yet. With Daddy was secure. With Daddy was calm. With Daddy was safe.

"Joshua, you take some pills, don't you?" The doctor asked in that stupid voice adults always used with children.

Josh just glared at him, clinging to his dad. "Fuck you," he told the man, making his father sigh.

"Joshua, he's here to help you," he tried to explain.

"No," Josh decided, burying his face against his father's chest.

"He takes these," Officer Dun said, pulling two bottles out of his coat pocket.

Josh glared at his father once again as he scurried out of his lap. "Don't tell him!" He yelled.

He started to fight again when his daddy pulled him back into his lap, Just to make his daddy feel guilty for what he'd done without Josh's permission, Josh made himself cry. Big, fat, fake tears poured down his freckled cheeks as he tried to escape his father.

"No! No! No!" He sobbed out as he tried to get free, but his father was so strong. Finally, Josh let his body go limp, his dead weight dropping against the mattress as he sobbed loudly. "Don't touch me."

His father's voice trembled when he spoke again, sounding so tired that Josh decided he'd succeeded in making him feel guilty. "Come on now, bud. I just wanna help you."

"Josh, don't cry," Abbie said in a tiny voice. She climbed down off of her chair before climbing up on the bed next to Josh. She laid down next to him so that their noses were almost touching. He met her gaze, finding them filled with an emotion he didn't recognize. "Here," Abbie said quietly, holding her lollipop out to him.

She'd already been sucking on it, but Josh didn't really care as he popped it into his mouth. She was his baby sister. They had the same germs.

"I'm sorry," Officer Dun began to tell the doctor, who raised a hand to silence him.

"There's no need to apologize, Officer. This is very common in people who have the same illness as your son," the doctor assured him.

The Duns all fell silent. Even Abbie held her breath. No one had ever given Josh a diagnosis. No one had ever told him why it was so hard for him to understand what other people were feeling. No one had ever told him why he thought it was so funny to kill animals when it scared everyone else. No one had ever told him why he got so angry sometimes that he had to tear his own flesh open to stop himself from tearing someone else's.

"You know what this is?" Officer Dun asked hopefully.

The doctor glanced at Josh, who glared at him instantly. "Well, technically, we can't fully diagnose him until he's at least fifteen, but I can tell you that he shows all the signs of an adult disorder. In kids, we usually only go so far as to call it borderline personality disorder. The personality and psyche of a child continues to change throughout their development, so it's difficult to pin them as having personality disorders."

"What's that mean for my baby then?" Officer Dun asked carefully.

The doctor sighed. "Look. Apart from not being eighteen, Joshua shows just about every symptom of antisocial personality disorder. We can try to stabilize him with therapy and meds, but diagnosing children isn't protocol. This is new territory for me too. I've just never met an eleven-year-old who could be...like my adult patients. He's the youngest kid I've ever treated for alcoholism, and this is Alabama, sir. Parents give their toddlers sips of beer around here, but I almost never get elementary school kids in here with alcohol poisoning."

Officer Dun sighed, burying his face in his hands. He rubbed at his tired eyes before looking back up at the doctor. "He been through a lot. Their mama left us a few years ago, he ain't had no interest in making friends, his sister been clinging to him ever since their mama fucked off, and he ain't havin a easy time at school. I ain't known he was drinking, but I can't say I blame him much."

"All of his behaviour is very normal for this diagnosis. No one's blaming you, Officer Dun," the doctor assured him.

Josh let Abbie pull the sucker out of his mouth and stick it back in hers. He'd lost interest in what the adults were talking about. It was boring. He didn't care. Instead, he stuck his tongue out at his sister.

"Is my tongue purple?" He asked her.

She giggled around the sucker, nodding. "Uh huh." She pulled the sucker out of her own mouth and stuck out her own tongue, which was starting to change colour as well. "Is mine?"

"No," Josh lied, taking the sucker back. "Girls don't change colour."

His sister pouted. "That's stupid. It ain't my fault I'm a girl."

Josh shrugged pulling the sucker back out of his mouth and handing it to her. "It ain't mine either."

Abbie pouted as she sucked on the lollipop, scooting over to snuggle herself against Josh's side. "'M sleepy," she told him.

"Want me to wake you up?" He asked her, smirking slightly.

"Okay," she said trustingly.

Josh grabbed one of her pigtails and yanked it so hard that her head lifted off of the bed. Tears filled her eyes as she glared at him, and Josh was already being pulled away from her by his daddy though.

"She told me to!" Josh exclaimed, trying to scurry away. "Tell him, Abbie."

"No, I didn't," Abbie said quietly.

Josh glared at her. One of the scriptures his mama had made him memorize flew out of his lips as he stared his sister down. "A false witness shall not be unpunished, and he that speaketh lies shall perish."

Abbie squeaked nervously. "I ain't lying, Daddy."

"I know, baby girl. It's okay," their father tried, but that made Josh angrier.

"I hope you burn in Hell, Abbie, and I hope it hurts," Josh told her in a low voice.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry," Abbie sobbed out. "Daddy, I told him to help me wake up. He was trying to help. I'm sorry."

The doctor looked sympathetic as Officer Dun tried to wrangle his two children, neither of which being capable of doing it themselves. He scribbled something down on a sheet of paper before handing it to Officer Dun.

"Half a pill a day with food," he explained to Josh's daddy. "They should help him. Call if he experiences any vomiting, increased or persistent violent behaviour, or suicidal thoughts."

Officer Dun nodded, guiding Josh back over to sit by him as he did so. Abbie crawled into Josh's lap, clinging to him in an attempt to earn forgiveness. Josh didn't tell her she had nothing to be sorry for. That wouldn't be any fun.

"Thank you, sir," Officer Dun said quietly as he looked over the prescription in his hand.

Josh's father had an arm wrapped around him protectively once again. His fingers soothed along Josh's curls, which Abbie was gripping for dear life.

"Daddy, I don't want em," Josh told him.

"We just gonna try em out and see if they work," his father assured him distractedly. "They'll make you feel better."

"I don't feel sick, Daddy," Josh said for the millionth time. He pressed his hand over his stomach though, which was still tender from the alcohol that had burnt away at the lining there. "Well, not usually."

He was surprised when his father kissed his forehead before looking at him seriously. "You listen here. If I thought these was gonna hurt you or make you feel worse, I wouldn't be givin em to you. You gotta trust me, bud. You's gonna take these instead of drinking. Can you do that?"

Josh considered it for a moment before nodding. "Okay, but if I don't like them, I ain't taking them."

"Okay," his father agreed, and just like that, they'd swapped one poison for another.