I got home before eleven, so I grabbed the fantasy novel I was working on and plopped down in the porch swing. I was so deep in a world of dragons that I didn't notice Seth drive in until he honked.

I had decided to do the shopping thing and spend as much of Momz money as I could. If she wanted to send me shopping to keep me away from Popz, I figured I'd make her regret it. I knew Seth was taking me to an Outlet Mall, so I wouldn't be paying full price.

Since we were beaching it, I bought three pairs of swim trunks and some flip- flops. I stopped by the Sunglass Hut and got some Ray Bans. At Bass Pro I got a float with a mesh middle and an inflatable edge. The picture showed kids floating on them in the ocean, but they folded up really small. I bought a couple of pairs of cargo shorts at Old Navy and a few Ts at Guess. I finally snagged a couple pairs of jeans at Abercrombie.

"You missed the fragrance shop," Seth said dryly as we exited Abecrombie.

"It's the beach," I said. "Duh."

"You want Chili's or Cracker Barrel?" He pointied to the two restaurants at the fringe of the mall.

"Chili's."

We went in and ordered. I took out my phone and checked the games I played on line. When the drinks came, Seth said, "Do you think we could talk, you know face to face."

"Whassup?" I put my phone away. My beef was with Momz, not him.

"Nothing. I just thought maybe we should get to know each other better, since I'm going to be living at your place soon."

"Look, I told you I don't need a Dad, and I've got homies. Momz and I are living together without much 'face to face.' You and I can do the same."

"Yeah, and how's that working out? You ignoring your Mom?"

"Okay, as far as I know."

"So you think she's okay with it?"

"Not completely down with it, but she seems to be hanging in there."

"Cut her some slack." He sort of smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. "She's trying."

"And you're good with that? Her trying and not really succeeding in banishing Popz ghost?"

"What she's trying to get past isn't some ghost. It's real pain. She blames herself, you know."

"Well, she should. She turned him in – to the police."

"Who told you that?" 

"Nobody had to tell me anything. I saw the pictures in the newspaper after the trial. It showed some of the evidence against him. They were the same pictures Momz has in that scrapbook she keeps of her failed marriage. The ones she got the private eye to take. She gave copies to the police. They set Popz up. She's a rat. End of story. "

"No, it's a fairy tale, the story you just told." He bit down on each word like it was a piece of gristle.

"How so?"

"Your Mom did pay a PI to shadow your Dad and get her evidence of his continued addiction. When she threw him out, she told him if he got straight he could come back. She could tell that wasn't going to happen. She used the pictures to force him to sign the divorce papers. She still has her copies. You saw them."

"Yeah, so. Copy machines are pretty good, no?"

"So, she didn't turn your Dad in to the police. When the PI was tailing your Dad, he saw something no Dad wants to see. He saw his son buying pills from your Dad. A month after the PI turned the pictures over to your Mom, his son overdosed. He blamed your Dad. He had the negatives for the pictures he'd taken for your Mom. He took copies and went to the police. Your Mom was just as surprised as everyone else when Paul was arrested. She's blamed herself for years, when it wasn't her fault at all. Paul made his own bed; he had to sleep in it. Actions have consequences, and they usually catch up to you."

I stared at Seth while the waiter sat our food on the table. I finally choked out, "Why didn't she tell me?"

"Did you give her a chance?" Seth raised his eyebrows as he took a bite.

I remembered the letter she wrote me after she showed me the pictures. I'd written return to sender on it and slid it under her door. I wondered if Momz had tried to explain.

"Probably not," I took a big bite of ribs. The meat seemed to ball up and get larger.  I gulped coke to help washed it down. "But I'm not her main problem. She judged Popz and found him wanting. She has lived with this picture of him sticking needles in his arm for so long, she can't imagine that he can change. She's always telling me that God's this great person who gives second and third chances. If she practiced her own preaching, she'd give Popz another chance."

Seth paused with fork in mid-air. "She gave him a lot more than two or three chances, CW." He frowned. "The Bible says to forgive someone 7X70 times. That's 490 times. I bet your Mom exceeded that in her years with Paul."

I started to protest. Seth held up his hand. "I know, that's supposed to be a metaphor for as many times as it takes. I'm just saying, your Mom gave Paul a heck of a lot of chances. She's trying really hard to find a way to forgive him again. She's been slapped in the face so many times. She has you to worry about. She doesn't know what to do. The PI thing backfiring has filled her with false guilt for years. She's just starting to come to terms with it. I mean, a kid died. Sometimes she thinks she could have stopped that if she hadn't thrown Paul out. It's a lot to sort out. Give her some space. She'll let God put her on the right track."

"Who's gonna have to die this time?" I knew the jab was uncalled for, but I couldn't let him have the last word.

Seth just shook his head and started eating. "I'll not waste any more of my words or your time." 

The rest of the meal was silent.

Seth thought I just blew him off like I did Momz, but I couldn't forget what he said about Momz not turning on Popz. Maybe she really wasn't as sure of things as she seemed. Maybe she was full of fear. I tried to think of what I'd feel if I thought someone died because of something I did. Did she really think she could have kept that kid alive by giving Popz another chance? Did she have nightmares about finding me dead after taking drugs?

Popz said if he and Momz switched places, he'd probably keep me from her. Was everyone's mind screwed up because of a past I hardly remembered? "Even yours," a voice inside whispered. "No," I told myself. "Not mine." I knew that Momz wasn't giving Popz a fair shake. His letters proved that. Momz refused to even try to find out what he was like now. She might have her excuses, but she was in the wrong.

Still, I decided to give her another chance. I'd prove to her that I was the bigger person by giving her the chance she refused to give Popz.

On Monday, I opened the door and found a Christmas tree in the living room. It was fake, but it was decorated with the baubles Momz had collected over the years. "So that's what she was doing in the attic," I thought.

I'd been getting an ornament from MawMaw and PawPaw every year and one from Momz. She said that way I'd have some familiar things on a tree of my own some day.

I smelled gingerbread, too. I went to the kitchen. "What's with the Christmas stuff? I thought we were gonna to be gone for Christmas."

"So, you've decided to talk."

"Well, I thought about it." I decided I'd use God against her. "God gave Jonah lots of chances, even after he ended up in the belly of a whale. I decided that I should be the bigger person and give you another chance. You say you're trying to come to grips with all of the anger and stuff you have towards Popz." I shrugged.

She cut a big piece of gingerbread and set it on the table with a glass of milk. She cut a smaller piece and put it on a saucer. "Come sit."

I sat. I couldn't refuse after my speech.

"I got your letter." She directed a fork full of gingerbread towards her mouth, but stopped halfway. "Maybe you're right. When we get back from Mexico, we should try out the support groups at the Angel Tree church."

"Who said anything about we." I watched momentarily as she chewed the cake. "You got worms? I said you could go there and talk with other lame women whose exes are in prison. I'm good."

"Are you?" Her eyes widened as she directed her gaze at me. "It seems to me you've been showing a lot of anger."

"Yeah, well try on my shoes for size. I tried yours on, that's why I'm willing to have another go at talking to you."

"I've tried to put myself in your place." She put down her fork and leaned forward. "If Mama had told me I couldn't ever see Daddy or that he didn't love me, I'd be mad, too. But, I have a hard time really getting into your head because my Daddy never did any of the things yours did. I mean, he wasn't perfect or anything, but he never did anything destructive like drugs and alcohol."

"Maybe not." I gestured towards a picture on the fridge. "But Aunt Glory seems to have a different outlook. I've heard her complain that Pawpaw put her on the back burner so he could help out people down on their luck. She said he thought he was doing what God wanted, but that meant she didn't have much of a father after you went to college. That was for six whole years."

"I know what she says." Momz sounded resigned. "And I suppose that Daddy and Aunt Glory had their problems. I even told him that he was going to drive her away from the church and probably God, too. I wish I had been wrong."

"So if you could see what Pawpaw was doing to Aunt Glory, why've you got on your Ray Bans when it comes to me and Popz?"

"I'm your Mom." She picked her for back up and looked at it like it was some kind of alien implement. "It's my job to protect you and try to keep you from mucking up your life."

"Well, you can stop with the protection detail." I stabbed for fork in the air for emphasis. "I'm old enough to make my own decisions."

"Some of them. Some decisions require experience and wisdom."

"And you think that's what you've been using? Wisdom?"

"Probably not. You needn't sound so incredulous." She offered a sheepish smile. "You had a point. I haven't been praying for Paul. I started though. After I read your letter, I got down on my knees and asked God to help me see Paul through His eyes."

"Any brain waves?" 

"Not yet, but I'm trying to let God be big enough to handle our drama." She looked at me and grinned. "And here we are at the table having a conversation."

"This face to face had more to do with Seth than God."

"How so?"

"He told me the real story behind Popz arrest. I thought you were the rat. Turns out you just paid the rat and didn't know he kept copies of the evidence."

"Oh." She gulped. "I didn't know he was going to share that."

"I don't think he planned to. He got mad when I told him how you ratted Dad out by getting in bed with the cops. I think he spilled the beans before he realized what he was doing."

"God works in mysterious way." 

"Seth's not God."

"No, but God used him. I tried to explain how the police found out about your Dad, but you wrote return to sender on the letter and gave it back." She sighed. "Then I thought that I was just trying to win you over. I did sic the guy on Paul in the first place. If I'd honored my wedding vows and stuck with Paul, maybe God could have gotten through to him. Maybe that kid would still be alive."

"Momz!" The word came out more explosively than I intended. "You can't blame yourself for some kid overdosing. He would have gotten the drugs from someone if Popz hadn't been dealing. Druggies aren't particular about where their stash comes from."

"I know." She looked down at the gingerbread she was now mutilating with her fork. "I learned about false guilt in that study I told you about. I even read about putting your baggage in God's hands and letting go of the past. And I am trying, CW. I really am." She mashed some of the mangled cake with her fork and shoveled it into her mouth.

I felt those crazy tears that had been mocking me trying to find their ways into my eyes. I took a quick bite of gingerbread and washed it down. I cleared my throat, dislodging the frog that had decided it wanted to live there.

"You said CW." I offered a half smile. "And you didn't even choke on it."

"So I did." She actually smiled at me. "There are a lot of good memories attached to that name. I've been thinking about some of them. Maybe God is breaking down that wall I've built."

"Whatever." I wanted to reward that revelation, but I didn't dare. I didn't trust these feel good moments. They never lasted. "You didn't answer my question about the Christmas get up."

She laughed. "I needed to get in the Christmas spirit. God's love seems to bust out at this time of year, no matter how hard people try to take Christ out of Christmas. I mean, that's real love, to send your only son to be raised by some peasant girl and her husband who isn't even the father. And to do it just so a bunch or rebels can find God as their adoptive Dad; that's just unheard of. Anyway, the decorations and music sort of set the stage for me," she admitted. "And I don't know what kind of set up we'll have at the beach."

"Some people don't see Christmas that way." I frowned at my empty fork. "It sounds like God abandoned his only son and then let him suffer a horrible death. Today he'd be accused of child abuse, abandonment and cruelty."

"I know that's what some people think, but Christmas is still celebrated as a time of love and peace. We want what the angels sang about: 'peace on earth and goodwill towards men.'"

"Pie in the sky." I waved my empty for towards the heavens. "There's never going to be peace on earth."

"Oh, but CW, it's already here. The peace God brings is in people's hearts, minds and souls." She tapped her chest. "This is where I find peace, when I let God give it. My problem is that I let fear take away my peace."

"Whatever. I'm going to try to keep the peace with you, for now, anyway. You just keep working on that thing you talked about, 'making peace with your past.' That's the kind of peace that will bring me and Popz back together."

"It's a deal." Momz held out her hand for a shake. "I am trying to work through my issues."

The pact Momz and I made got us to Mexico. We stayed on speaking terms, but I made sure we didn't get into any more deep discussions. I was tired of people preaching at me. I had been in Sunday school and then youth group since I was in diapers. I knew the lingo. I did my best to use it so as to keep Momz and the grandparents off my case, but I didn't believe it. Not anymore.