When lost boys die, they leave behind nothing but their dreams.

Lee's not dead yet, but his dreams definitely are---cast away into the dust, where they've always belonged.

For the next two days, he lingers in the black hole of his emotions, drowning, drowning, drowning. They pass in a blur, and he lets them, ignoring the stabbing pangs of guilt in his stomach in favour of holing himself up in Jack's room even though he knows he's overstaying his welcome---but then again, he always does, even in his own home.

Nothing's new.

Jack's parents try to get him off the ground, then James, and finally Jax, but Lee just---can't, really. Too consumed by the devils in his head. Demons everywhere. Demons on the ground. Demons in the air. Demons in his heart---where the memories of his mother lie.

Jax is stubborn. She pounds at Jack's bedroom door and threatens to kick Lee's ass if he doesn't get it out to the dining table so they can fucking feed him, but still, Lee doesn't listen. He just lies there, a stone on the hard wood of Jack's bedroom floor, listening to Jax beg for his attention until Jack, who hasn't left Lee's side except to eat and use the toilet despite how fucking uncommunicative Lee's been, tells her to fuck off. And through it all, Lee is numb, caught in the endless writhe of grief and pain and blinding, burning agony.

He tries to get out. He really does. But the sinking feeling that gathers in his stomach, growing, growing, growing, spreading its vines of twisted rapunzel through his belly until it bursts through his skin, roots him in place and bends his will to its melancholy whims. Sadness is what most people would call it, but it's not the right word even when it's capitalised and italicised, not for the demons tearing him apart from the inside, all claws and teeth and agony. Agony that leaves him breathless, that digs its nails into his limbs and pushes them deep, that sends him retching into the toilet for half an hour after Jack freaks out about him not eating and shoves two apple slices down Lee's throat.

Eating doesn't sit well with Sadness. Nothing does, really. No matter how hard Lee attempts to drag himself off Jack's bedroom floor, Sadness punches him back down, down, down. And so he sits there, lying on the hard wooden ground, ignoring Jax's pleas for him to talk to her and Jack's insistence on him eating something.

It's on the third day of Lee being utterly consumed by the demons of his past that Jack's had enough. He's persistent, more stubborn than Lee sometimes, and Lee's sure he's given him too much trouble---after all, he only moves to cry or roll into Jack's open arms.

"Come on," Jack orders, snatching a towel off his bed. It's the same one he's used for at least half a week already. At Lee's house, the night maid changes the towels every day---but they're not at Lee's house. They're at Jack's home, and he's overstaying his welcome as he always does, moping around like the world owes him something---here, there, everywhere, and all he wants to do is to roll over and continue staring at the ceiling, finding his mother in every speck of cracking plaster.

But he's intrigued. And curiosity did kill the cat, but Jack tends to have that effect on him, the morbid fascination of his newfound unpredictability---maybe Lee's rubbed off on him more than he thought he would---pummelling Lee in the jaw like an uppercut, a blistering magnetic force that only pulls him closer.

So he sits up.

"Where?" he asks, although he knows he doesn't really need to. He'd follow Jack to space if he wanted him to.

"Finally. I thought your spine was going to fuse with the ground any moment." And then, to Lee's surprise, Jack flushes scarlet, the blush travelling from the tips of his ears to the base of his neck. "To the bathroom. You haven't showered in days, so I figure you'd get up and bathe if I..." He drops his head, cheeks blazing. "...showered with you."

Lee freezes. His heart's a bass drum in his ears, rushing through his senses like the crack of a whip. "What?"

"Don't make it weird!" Jack snaps. "It's just so you'll get up! Fuck! It's not---" Shoulders slumping, he drops down on the floor next to Lee. Jack's fingers find the outline of Lee's chin, his calloused touch so soft, so gentle Lee thinks he might die. A sigh escapes Jack's perfect lips, and for a moment, Lee wonders if he could kiss them again---if Jack would let him kiss them again. Then he immediately chastises himself for the thought. Rolling stones shouldn't have anywhere to go. Shouldn't have anywhere to call home. Not even the tender arms of another boy.

But still, he reaches out, like he does so often whenever he chases the stars even though he's long stopped dreaming, palm pressing itself flat against Jack's broad chest---not to push him away, but instead a silent plea to draw him in. Lee's fingertips are ice-cold, but the imprint of Jack's body against his skin sends a wildfire roaring through them.

"It's not what?" Lee whispers, almost afraid to know the answer. There are a million things Jack could say. In Lee's mind, none of them are good.

Jack drops his head, flushing pink. His hand still cups Lee's cheek like he's made of glass, but he avoids Lee's eyes like his life depends on it. "It's not---I'm just...I'm not trying to---" He slams his free hand into his own face, dragging it down his forehead frustratedly. "Fuck."

"Take your time."

"I hate seeing you like this, okay?" Jack blurts. "I'm just---" He shakes his head. "I just want to make you happy, except obviously you're not because you can't be right now, and I know that, but I just---shit, I'd do anything to make you smile, because I love that stupid fucking smug smile of yours, and I miss it so much, and I don't know how to help you or make it any better, and I have no fucking clue what to do. I'm so fucking worried about you, Lee. What the fuck do I even do in this situation?" To Lee's shock, Jack moves closer, dipping his head down and pressing his forehead against Lee's own, so close he can feel Jack's breath on his nose.

"I just want to take all your pain away," Jack admits, face blazing hot, voice soft, palms wrapped around Lee's head. "I wish I could take whatever you're feeling right now and feel it instead so you don't have to."

And---oh. Lee's heart takes a nosedive into the clouds that make up paradise, the golden rays of the sun chasing away Sadness, even if only for a second. He floats, caught in the gap between space and time, dream and reality, air and sea. Wisps of Jack's chestnut hair tickle his nose, and he basks in the moment, floating, floating, floating. Just---there.

"You're already doing that by being here," Lee breathes, and even though he doesn't think he can smile right now, something tugs at the corners of his mouth anyway. And he's a little reckless, more than a little sad, so he leans forward and presses a chaste kiss to the side of Jack's mouth---just a peck, really, more on his cheek than his lips.

He expects Jack to pull away.

Jack doesn't.

Instead, his hands slide down to gently cup Lee's cheeks, and he pulls him closer, closer, closer---until their lips meet in the middle like a perfect happily ever after, all scarlet roses and midnight rain. It is starlight and pixie dust, lifting Lee into the sky, the joining of their mouths a glittering firework that sucks all the air from Lee's lungs and leaves him breathless. Sea salt and hot chocolate invades his senses, his rousing heartbeat a roaring symphony in his ears. And this---this is a real kiss, not the desperate liplock Lee had initiated on the roof. That had been a distraction, something to tear his mind away from the pain and the grief and all the other shit inside.

But this---this is real.

Something wet rolls down Lee's face.

Jack's thumb heads to his cheek, tenderly rubbing off the tear that's settled there. "You're crying," he murmurs against Lee's mouth. Lee can taste his tears on Jack's lips, a salty, bittersweet tang that reminds him of the ocean spray his mother had loved so much, drops of mercury from the ocean that runs through his hair.

Lee lets out a chuckle that's more of a sob. "I've been doing that a lot lately."

Another tear is wiped away with the touch of an angel's wing. "I know."

Space is a cold, cruel thing, all darkness and no gravity. But for a moment, Lee is in space, hurtling through the cosmos with nothing beneath his feet, and it is warm. So warm he could drown in it forever, the stars pooling in his hands and scattering the shattered little fragments of him through the celestial sphere of the universe.

"I really like you," Lee confesses. "As more than a friend. If that wasn't clear already."

Jack strokes his face and smiles---nothing like his usual, teeth-flashing, gritted grins, full of reluctance and dry amusement. This is soft, sad, comforting. "Let's talk about it in the shower."

٩( ᐛ )و

Lee trains his eyes on the marked lines running over Jack's chest, on the small pouch that comprises his stomach, on the way water drips off his hair and slicks it to his forehead. In normal times, he'd look down and ogle Jack from head to toe with wild abandon, but there's nothing normal about this situation.

(Then again, in normal times, if they were both naked and in the shower together like they are now, he'd be trying to jump Jack's bones. Even now, he'd be lying if he said he isn't thinking about it.)

"You're being really quiet," Jack remarks, running shampoo through his hair.

Lee rinses the suds out of his own locks. What do you want me to say? That I'm trying so hard not to look down, and it's so tough to focus on being sad when you're naked and I'm naked and we're in a very cramped shower stall together, and shit, I'm already kind of hard, and---

"You can look, you know."

Lee tries to fight it, but a small grin spreads across his face anyway, tugging his lips upwards against his will. "Don't fucking tempt me, Pref."

"There's that smile. I knew that would work."

"You'd give up your dignity just to see me smile?"

"Why not? Not like I had much dignity to begin with." Jack turns the showerhead on himself, and once his hair's hanging down his face in gluey wet streaks, he moves closer to Lee. The proximity is enough to send Lee's head into space, the warmth radiating off Jack's bare, slick skin brutally murdering Lee's last brain cell.

He can't help himself. He looks down.

"Oh, fuck. That's, um. Certainly a good distraction. Kind of hard to think of dead moms when that's staring me in the face," Lee blurts, and he instantly feels ten times shittier once the words have left his mouth. "Wow. Okay. I know I've joked about it a lot, but I really didn't think you had that in you."

"You're making it weird."

"We're naked and in a shower stall together. It's already weird."

"Because you probably wouldn't shower unless I bathed with you."

"Excuses, excuses. I'm rubbing off on you too much." Lee bends down to drag a line of soap over his legs, trying to ignore how close that puts his face to Jack's nether regions. "Shit. You shouldn't have said I could look. I can't stop staring at it, for fucks sakes."

"If it makes you feel better, I can't stop staring at yours either." Jack groans, slamming his palm into his face. "Never mind. That just makes it sound worse."

"I'm flattered, Pref. Like what you see?"

Jack's entire body flushes bright red. "More than I'd like to admit."

"Do you like me?"

This is it, Lee thinks as Jack falls silent. His heart sinks like a stone when Jack swivels away, glancing at the wall. This is the moment he tells me he hates me and never wants to see me again and that I should stop randomly confessing to people because no one wants me. Because that's what he's been doing all this time, and that's what everyone's been doing. Even Mom.

Instead, the invisible barricade between them finally lifts as Jack turns his head to Lee, something foreign in his mocha eyes. "Are you really ready for that conversation?" Jack asks.

Lee traces constellations in the teardrops lining the bathroom wall, in the waterspouts cascading down Jack's broad back, in the blue-eyed demons invading his mind. "There's no perfect time for it, is there? So we might as well have it now."

He feels two calloused thumbs reaching for his sides, rubbing water into his skin. Jack wraps his arms around Lee's waist, pulling him close and pressing his chin into Lee's shoulder. The sensation of skin on skin is electric, a bolt of lightning through Lee's veins. It's so warm, melting the ice that's long taken over his bloodstream until the eternal sea leaks into his arteries. His heart responds with fitting candour, a lilting thump thump thump against the flimsy paper ribs in his chest.

"I've had a crush on you since we were thirteen," he confesses, so quietly Lee almost doesn't hear it.

All the air leaves Lee's body in one breathless gasp. "You've liked me for five years?"

"Wasn't it obvious?" Jack shakes his head, water spraying off his damp hair. "Actually, scratch that. I'm a fucking idiot. You're a fucking idiot too. Of course it wasn't."

A small laugh leaves Lee's lips. "We really are dumb as hell. You, especially. Five years, really? I don't think I've even liked you for half that long." But it feels like I've loved you forever. And here, with Jack's chest against his back, Jack's arms around his waist, Jack's lips touching his shoulder...he means it. Even if it's only in his head.

"I know. I'm crazy." Jack dots a kiss to the back of Lee's neck, the instinctual flinch missing from his tender touch for once, and for a moment, Lee is almost insecure. He feels the burn marking his elbow like a beacon, the scar across his knuckles like a flare. Against the angles of Lee's own lean frame, Jack's body seems to dwarf him even though he's not even three inches taller, so hard and so soft and so strong---maybe in more ways than physical. "But you're worth it, Lee." Lee doesn't miss the way Jack's face heats up. "I'd wait forever for you."

"Oh," Lee squeaks, his voice uncharacteristically small. He can't feel his limbs anymore, too consumed by the blush he's sure has bloomed over his entire nervous system. "So what now?"

"I don't know," Jack mumbles against Lee's skin. "We could..."

"Have sex?"

"I'm still seventeen. You'd be doing something very illegal."

"Always thought you'd be the one doing me, Pref. I even have the vibrator to prove it. It's nowhere near as big as your dick, though, because shit, you're definitely---"

"Don't finish that sentence."

"Wasn't planning on it. So, what were you going to say?"

Jack's fingers find Lee's own, interlacing their digits together. It's Lee's turn to flinch, suddenly extremely aware of the way Jack's thumb runs over the scar curled on his knuckles, nail travelling down every bump and serration like a van down a highway. "We could date," Jack whispers, his other hand tightening around Lee's waist.

And Lee does want to, so badly. He wants Jack more than the stars want the moon...but he knows better.

"I---I don't think I can," Lee mumbles. His words are soft, but he knows Jack hears him loud and clear. "I mean---I---I really want to do that dating thing...you know, be yadda yadda and whatever, but I---I don't think I can right now, Jack. It's not---not the right time." He presses his forehead against the wall, hating himself more with each passing moment. "I'm sorry. It's just---my mom---"

"Hey. Don't be sorry. Please don't say sorry. Don't ever be sorry for that." Jack burrows his face deeper into Lee's shoulder, hugs him tighter. "I understand. Take your time. I've already waited five years. I can wait a little more." Lee can practically hear the blush that follows. "If you want me to."

"Can you? Would it be too selfish if I asked you to wait for me?"

"No. Of course not." Jack holds him closer, pulls him in a little more. "Good things always come to those who wait, after all. And...you're kind of the best thing that's ever happened to me."

Water drips down the walls. Lee melts like sun-soaked putty in Jack's hands. His heartbeat buzzes in his ears, a sugar-sweet one two three that infects him with a cool warmth that lingers even after Jack pulls away to continue washing up.

Still, he's got to ruin everything like he always does.

"I kissed you because I needed a distraction." The words feel heavy on his tongue. Strange. Distorted, almost. Lee rests his forehead against the bathroom wall, the tiles cold against his hair. "Because Mom...and it just...just hurt so much...and I wanted to feel something that wasn't pain. And you weren't pain. You're good. I mean---you're just---" He exhales. Jack's running the showerhead over his own spine now, and Lee tries not to stare too hard at the corded muscles of his back. He's got a nice back---all hard muscle and taut skin, broad and solid. Lee resists the urge to reach out and touch it. "You're just good, Jack."

And maybe I'm the best thing that's ever happened to you, but to me, you're even better.

Jack's palm finds Lee's cheek, swivelling him around so they face each other like two sides of the same coin. "How do you feel now?" he questions quietly.

It's easier to lie, to say that kissing the boy he loves makes everything better, but---the truth is harder to conceal than it feels. "Like shit," Lee admits. "Everything fucking hurts." He rests his face against Jack's shoulder. The slickness of skin on skin feels---raw, somehow. Sharp and wildly intimate. "I'm sorry. I'm probably ruining everything. Again. I mean, I just fucking called you a distraction. You're not a distraction. You're so much more than that. I'm just a mess." He sniffles, and there they are again---the tears, rolling down his cheeks as his passion turns to a sob.

"It's okay to be a mess, Lee."

"Don't get all sappy and shit. That's my job."

"Maybe you're rubbing off on me."

"Of course I am." Lee dips his forehead down in embarrassment. "I don't know. It's all just so fucking painful and I'm just so sad I want to die and I just wish it would all fucking disappear and---"

He stops. Silence rings through the bathroom like the world's largest bell, nothing interrupting it save for the cadence of Lee's breathless, uncontrollable sobs. Lee half-expects Jack to walk out, but he doesn't. Instead, his large palms encircle Lee's waist, pulling him closer.

"Want me to distract you again?" Jack asks---hesitant, careful. As if Lee's something fragile, something precious. Ceramic silver and porcelain gold.

When Lee nods, too choked up to answer, Jack kisses him. It's their third, but it's just as magical as their second and their first---a shooting star between their lips, heartbeats trailing moonshine through the cosmos of their twin flames. The galaxy falls around their ears, painting their bare forms in neon blue and glimmering ultraviolet, and when Lee finally breaks away to stare at his something something, he sees the universe in his eyes. It takes his breath away, and much to his embarrassment, his body feels it too.

"You liked that, huh?" Jack remarks, glancing down quickly.

"Sorry," Lee mumbles, almost too mortified to speak.

"Don't be. It's kind of hot."

"Isn't that supposed to be my line?" Lee chuckles, the movement sticking to his tongue and rolling off it like hot molasses.

Jack rolls his eyes. "You're infectious."

"And you're so hot. Shit. You have no idea what I want you to do to me right now."

"I think I've got a clue."

"Of course you do." Caught in his throat, Lee's voice is tight, teetering on the fine line between passion and pain. In the medley of ecstasy and grief in his head, they taste the same, a hallucinogen that swirls his thoughts together until he's weak to the knees. And there---there are the possibilities, thump, thump, thump, like the sonata of his crashing pulse. Right in front of him.

Water, dripping down the bathroom walls. The universe, screeching to a halt. Jack's hand on him, moving.

"Is this okay?" Jack asks, words barely a whisper, something stuck deep in his throat. His fingers splay specks of stardust through their heated paths, neon watercolours flashing before Lee's dark eyes, pools of oblivion in the fragile orbit of you and me.

Lee's head is spinning. Everything is hazy. He can't think straight. He twitches in Jack's grip, unable to stop the soft gasps that drift from his lips. Still, he knows what he wants---this, and maybe just a little bit more.

"Yes," he breathes, and just like that, he lets Jack drag him over the edge, where all the shattered pieces of him become one again.

Afterwards, when Jack brings in a plate of leftover chicken rice and stares at Lee with a look that could squeeze blood out of stone, Lee doesn't protest. Instead, he lowers his head and eats for the first time in days, existing in the silence wrapped around his ears---uninterrupted save for the tension stretching between their twin flames, so thick it could be cut with a knife.

For the first time in days, the demons in his head stay quiet.

me who thought i was gonna write a shreksy scene but ended up absolutely BAWLING my eyes out: 🤡🤡🤡

YOOO I WROTE HALF OF THIS WHILE SITTING IN A HOSPITAL ROOM SO SORRY IF IT'S SHIT <3

the urge to add in a sex scene was ASTRONOMICAL but i'm a pussy who cleared my profile entirely of nsfw stuff over the weekend so like,,,enjoy the implied handjob and ✨shower scene✨ instead

FUN FACT the shower scene was not intentional at all! please say a big thank you to @hellolunahere because they're the reason why this scene exists, solely because of this comment:

as yalls know, i am all about fanservice, and therefore, a shower scene gave me the opportunity to provide the confession we've all been waiting for AND get in a (slightly) shreksy scene. so everyone please say a big thank you to them because they are the reason why this chapter even happened in the first place

SO I READ SO MUCH PORN (like i'm not even kidding) TO FKING GET MY WRITER'S MOJO BACK cause like apparently, reading porn helps me get over writer's block. it's literally so weird because i'll be totally uninspired, i read porn, and then BAM, creative juices overflowing. i was struggling so much with this chapter that i caved, read nothing but porn the whole weekend, and came up with an absolute banger of a chapter, if i do say so myself. it is SO WEIRD and i have ZERO IDEA why it works this way but it does. so everyone say thank you to me because i sacrificed my search history, my underwear, AND my dignity to get enough writing mojo for this chapter. you're welcome.

ANYGAYS ON TO THE IMPORTANT STUFF: MY LIFE because my life is more interesting than the book itself

sorry i missed Monday/Tuesday's update! my grandma fell and fractured her hip so i've been in and out of the hospital, visiting her and shit like that. she's doing great though! she's back home, had a successful hip replacement surgery, and is now semi-mobile (i mean she can already boss people around so she's fine lol) i was supposed to reply to comments this week too but that happened T_T so so sorry!

also, i had a band competition yesterday and went in as a solo act, lmao. honestly thought i was gonna get last place because my performance was legit dog shit at rehearsals (i didn't even play half the song because I MISSED ALL MY NOTES 💀💀💀) but i prayed more, practiced more, prayed even more, and HALLELUJAH PRAISE THE LORD instead of getting last place like i expected...i, uh, WON??? YEAH I GOT FIRST PLACE which was honestly a really pleasant surprise and not something i expected at all lol

also my ex-boyfriend asked me to prom, so i had my first promposal and my first rejection in one night T_T he's a really sweet guy and i know we can just go as friends (which we still are) but i don't wanna lead him on and make him think i still have feelings for him when i don't, and also because yeaaa i didn't wanna lead him on because i genuinely don't feel that way for him anymore. so it's not fair to him if i accept his promposal because he'll get the wrong idea and idw do that to him

SPEAKING OF PROM my own promposal is next week!!! i'll be asking my crush to prom next week loool SEND HELP I'M LEGIT FREAKING OUT anygays wish me luck!!! there's a pretty good chance of him accepting because we're really close friends and i heard through the grapevine (coughcoughcough my informant/bff) that he'll accept anyone who he knows, and well...we're partners in crime lol so hopefully he accepts lmao

YEAH SO that's what's been going on with my life! sorry i've been so inactive lately T_T busy af lolol anygays like check out the Crackerbox playlist if you haven't already!!! and please lmk your thoughts on this chapter <333 (also pls help me point out any mistakes tqvm)

ily guys sm <333

xoxo, Alex