Stepping onto Yumeko's doorstep feels like walking into the light---ironic, considering how the crumbling walls look even more filthy than usual, bare and bony. Lee swipes his hand across his forehead, the suddenly-humid air making his hair stick to his skin. Guilt prickles through his veins. He'd left his father curled up on the couch when he'd fled the house this afternoon---so still he hadn't been sure if he was even still alive.

Let him suffer a bit, he thinks selfishly. He's not the only one who lost someone. She's---was---fuck, I can't do this---

The door flies open. Yumeko perches on the stoop, still in her school uniform. A cigarette hangs from her fingers, thick grey smoke billowing around her face. She hasn't smoked in a while, Lee realises, the sudden presence of the cancer stick in her hand less of a shock than how suspiciously empty her ashtray's been for the past few weeks. Her skirt sways high above her knees, and Lee makes a mental note to get her a new one when he manages to get his life back together. Through her heavy bangs, which seem to have grown even longer in the last few days, she shoots him a grim smirk. "Hey, stranger. Heard you got suspended."

A small smile curves over Lee's lips, but it drops off soon enough. It doesn't stick. Nowadays, nothing really does. "Expelled, actually. But daddy dearest is fucking loaded, so I'll be back next week. How's my honey?"

"Doing a lot better than your wife," Yumeko replies. Right on cue, a small yip echoes from behind Yumeko, before a blur of white and brown leaps into Lee's arms. He staggers under Socks' weight, laughing as his dog licks his face like a starved man, Yumeko grabbing his shoulders to keep him from falling. "She missed you." Her face softens. "I did, too."

Lee gently sets Socks down on the stoop, chuckling hollowly at the way she bounds around him and barks like she hasn't seen him in years. "I've been gone for...what? Two days?"

"Three. But I don't mean you swinging over the other day to pet your dog before fucking right off again. I meant in school. It's lonely without you." Yumeko leans against the stained wooden doorway, a ghost of a smile lingering on her scarlet lips. "I got your homework for you, by the way. Had to track down all your teachers for it, so you'd better buy me more pastries next time." Up close, her eyebags seem even darker than before, angry black circles ringing even blacker eyes. There's a million stories in every line of her face---the tension in her mouth, the furrow of her forehead, the sharp slant of her brows.

A frown crosses Lee's own lips. "Did somwthing happen, Yu? You look stressed."

"Everything's fine."

"Everything's not fine."

"You don't look like everything's all sunshine and rainbows with you, either."

"Yumeko."

His best friend stares at him for a full minute before sighing, finally dropping her gaze from Lee's. She stubs her cigarette out on the grimy wall before crushing it into the grass, and Lee tries not to look too hard at the round, ashy mark it leaves behind on the peeling paint. "Fine. Tell me what's wrong with you and I'll tell you what's wrong with me."

Lee bites his lip. There are some burdens he doesn't want to share with his best friend---he's spent too long being a burden to her already, but something's obviously troubling Yumeko, and curiosity killed the cat. So he grabs Socks and pulls the two of them onto the wall dividing Yumeko's house and the house next to hers. Their wall. Yumeko scowls but follows, swinging her arms up on the rough stone, legs scrabbling up after.

A barely-supressed chuckle escapes Lee's throat. "You look like a frog."

"Shut up. This frog can make you croak if she wanted to."

"Always so cruel, Yu." Lee runs his hand over Socks' furry head as his dog rests her chin in his lap, shutting her eyes lazily. If only I could be a dog, he thinks. It'll be a hell lot easier than dealing with dead moms and whatever the hell Dad's got going on. "Alright. Spill the tea. What's making that pretty face of yours so blue?"

Yumeko rolls her eyes. "Flattery gets you nowhere, Leroy. You first."

Lee sighs, but starts anyway. He tells her everything---how it's been four hundred and sixteen days since his mother died, how his uncle had pulled him out of paradise, how he only feels warm when he's in Jack's arms. And how everything means nothing, because in the infiniteness of the universe, Lee means nothing.

Yumeko sits and listens, silent in the gravity of Lee's confessions. Her teeth tease her bottom lip as if trying to hold back tears, and her hands fist themselves in the hem of her skirt. When the last word escapes Lee's mouth, carried away by the breath of the humid wind, Yumeko's arms instantly snake themselves around him and hug him so tight he nearly topples off the wall.

"I'm so sorry," Yumeko mumbles into Lee's shoulder. "I'm so fucking sorry, Lee."

Lee lets out a soft, humourless chuckle. "That's what Jack said too." He stares into the distance, feeling the now-too-familiar sensation of tears prickling at his eyes. Mom would love this, he thinks, scarred knuckles pressing gently against the wall. Sitting on stone walls and talking about sad shit with your best friend and your dog? Straight out of the romance novels she loved. The breeze sweeps his bangs up, tugging them away from his forehead. A single drop of liquid rolls down Lee's face. And because he won't cry now, not in front of Yumeko, he presses his damp cheek into the top of her head and tries for a grin, one hand wrapped around her waist, the other resting lightly on Socks' back. "All in the past, I guess. Your turn."

"Lee---"

"Your turn, Yu. You said you'd trade."

Against his shoulder, his best friend grimaces. "It's stupid."

"It's not stupid."

"You just found out that your mom died and I'm having fucking relationship problems. It's stupid."

Lee presses a kiss on her forehead. "It's not stupid. And besides, I want to hear about your relationship problems. Could use some drama to take my mind off things."

Yumeko punches him in the arm lightly. "Idiot."

"I'm your idiot, darling." Lee laughs, almost ashamed at how little mirth the action contains. It sounds...hollow. Empty, almost. It's fitting, considering how he's pretty sure his heart's long been ripped out of the cavity of his chest. "Now spill. What's up with the girlfriend?"

His best friend sucks in a deep breath, hunching forward, and Lee instantly knows why her eyebags have gotten so dark before she even speaks. "Not a girlfriend anymore," Yumeko mutters.

Some part of Lee had been expecting it, but his mouth falls open in shock anyway. "Maya and you..."

"Broke up. Yeah. Normal shit. It happens." Yumeko swipes her hair out of her face, charcoal gaze distant and glassy. Her lips purse themselves in a tight frown. In this moment, she seems a million miles away, and Lee wonders if he could touch her if he reached out---or if, like his mother, his fingers would crash against nothing but silvery glass, the fragments of his reflection echoing back at him.

"B-b-but...why?" Lee stammers.

Yumeko sighs. "Maya is a jealous bitch."

"Who would she be jealous of? You barely even talk to anyone else."

"Don't know. She's weird."

Lee doesn't miss the way Yumeko's head shifts, turning to the side. Her gaze slips past his, an obvious attempt at adversion.

"Yu, come on. I'm your best friend. I know you're hiding something from me. And I'm curious as hell. Why'd you guys actually break up?"

"I told you. Maya's weird."

"Yumeko."

"Leroy."

"Please?" Lee flashes his best friend a pleading expression, and Yumeko shakes her head. Her bangs cascade into her eyes, and Lee reaches over to brush them away. "I'm curious, Yu. And besides, you promised you'd give me some relationship drama to distract me from all the shit happening right now."

Yumeko exhales loudly. "You won't like it."

"I don't like a lot of things. Spill."

A pause. Then, "She was jealous of you."

It takes a moment to sink in. "What?"

"It's so stupid, isn't it?" Yumeko mumbles frustratedly. "She knows you and I are both gay as hell. But she came over that night and saw Socks and---fucking went mental. I've never seen her like that before. She kept screaming at me, saying that she's put up with you intruding on our relationship for long enough, and I was like, 'Maya, it's a fucking dog.' So she continued yelling and shouting something about how it's not about the dog, it's about how you can sleep in my bed and she hasn't even spent the night once. But it's stupid, isn't it? I didn't even know she wanted to spend the night. She never told me that shit. I wanted her to spend the night, but she never told me she wanted to. So she kept on going on about how 'it's either him or me', so I kicked her out. Fuck that bitch." She pats Socks' head gently. "Not you, sweetie."

Lee knows he should move. Knows he should say something---like I didn't mean to ruin your relationship, and Yeah, that was pretty bitchy of her, and sorry, sorry, sorry. But because even when he's not trying to, he still manages to fuck up. Like he always does. Because he fucks up everything. And even though Lee would like to say that he'd been born this way, a product of bad decisions and bad luck, he knows he's a calamity of his own creation. A pimple that won't pop, twisted fate running through thorns. A disease.

It's not just his laugh that's a virus, as Yumeko so often says. It's him---something festering and evil, a blight upon the world. And as Lee peers down, at his ankles dangling against stone, he wonders if he could cure the earth if he fell just the right way.

In his dreams, he breaks his neck.

He shatters it in three places and splinters his spine in half. Fragments of bone skewer his organs---starting with his heart, because with the way he's going, he's not sure if he ever deserved one in the first place. The bitter tang of copper stings his tongue, running through his teeth like liquid sandpaper. His ribs cave in like poetic justice, every ivory pierce a dagger accusing him of ruining everything like he always does. He knows it's true. He knows he does.

It's the reason no one loves him. It's the reason no one wants him.

A rough tongue laps at his throat. Yumeko's hand is on his shoulder, her forehead one tight frown.

"Stop doing that," she says.

"Doing what?"

"Blaming yourself."

"I'm not blaming myself."

Yumeko brushes his bangs away from his face and wraps her arms around him. "You're easy to read when you're sad, Lee."

Sad. It's such a simple word, but the weight of the universe clings to it. That same weight spills over Lee's shoulders, enveloping him in the sweet, inky darkness he's made of from head to toe. The gun against his head presses itself further in, indenting barrel marks into his skull. But here, now, in his best friend's tight embrace, his dog nuzzling his chest, Lee wonders if he's really as evil as he makes himself to be. Could evil really feel this much warmth?

Maybe he's just sad.

"I'm sorry," he mumbles, pressing his cheek into Yumeko's hair.

He can feel her frown. "What's there to be sorry about? It's not your fault."

"I ruined your relationship."

"You didn't ruin shit. Maya and I did a perfectly fine job ruining everything by ourselves." Yumeko sighs. "Besides, I think our relationship's been dead for a while. Just...couldn't bring myself to admit it, I guess. Maybe I was so excited to have a girlfriend that liked me back that I forgot we had to...you know, actually keep liking each other."

"Is that why you stopped smoking for a while?"

"Yeah." Yumeko leans forward, resting her hand on her chin wistfully. "Maya never liked the fact that I smoked, so when our relationship started crumbling, I thought it would help if I stopped smoking. Thought getting rid of the stupid cigarettes would bring her back to me. But it didn't. That's life, I guess."

You try to change all the parts of you because you think it'll make people love you more. Even the little ones. But it doesn't matter how much you alter about yourself, doesn't matter how much you fit the version of yourself that they want to see: you're still you. And sometimes, they'll never love you.

Lee opens his mouth to apologise again, but Yumeko lets go of him and punches him lightly in the arm.

"I know you're going to say sorry again, and I'm going to tell you to shut up, Leroy." Yumeko smiles, a thin, close-lipped stretch of her pale cheeks and scarlet mouth. Her dark gaze softens, round eyes melting at the edges. "I wouldn't give you up for anything, Lee. Wouldn't trade you for all the jealous bitches in the world, even if they're hot. Hell, if someone offered me a million bucks and asked me to destroy my friendship with you, I wouldn't do it." Her grin widens. "Okay, maybe I'd cut you off for a billion."

Lee can't help it. He grins.

Yumeko's beam widens. She reaches over, the moonshine-kissed strands of his hair slipping through the cracks of her fingers like rain as Lee's cheek settles into the welcoming curve of her shoulder. "That's my boy."

٩( ᐛ )و

When Lee finally gets home, Jack's waiting for him.

It's a shock, really, seeing Jack standing awkwardly in front of his main door, white polo starkly muddled against the pristine, eggshell-hued walls. In the face of such opulent, gluttonous luxury, Jack is...almost simple. Solid and steadfast and real. Still, he shines brighter than the shine of the door knocker---carved out of real brass, even though everyone always uses the doorbell and it's there just for the sake of looking rich---and the detailed golden accents curling around the wooden frame, any imperfections polished away. (Because that's what Lee's father has always done, Lee thinks, polishing all the mistakes, accidents, burdens away. Including his own kid.) It scares Lee: how well Jack seems to fit in his life, like a missing puzzle piece slotted into place. How Jack blends right in, and yet glitters more than gold. How he can see a future with Jack Sang.

"Hey," Jack mumbles sheepishly, scratching his head. The other hand is limp at his side, something brown twisted between his fingers.

"Hey," Lee replies breathlessly, hating the way his voice catches in his throat. He unlocks the front door, letting Socks bound in excitedly, before turning to face the boy he loves.

He realises belatedly that he's still wearing Jack's t-shirt, having haphazardly yanked it off his bed and thrown it on in the morning. Jack notices, his gaze soaking in the way the threadbare white fabric hangs loose over Lee's (unfortunately board-flat) chest and skinny arms, stopping a good five inches below his waist.

"I'll wash it and return it soon," Lee promises.

Jack waves a large palm dismissively. Thin furrows mark the undersides of his eyes and the curve of his brow. "Don't worry about it. It's not important." Then he extends his hand, a brown paper bag dangling from his fingers. Lee doesn't miss the giant golden M emblazoned over the front. "Brought you something."

Lee's sure all the stars fall out of the sky and land in his eyes as he reaches out, fingertips tentatively brushing the edge of the bag ever so slightly, as if afraid that it'll disappear if he touches it too hard. As if afraid that Jack'll disappear. "For...me?"

He's answered with a giant eye roll. "No, for your dog. Of course it's for you, dumbass."

"Wait, Jack, let me pay you ba---"

"The only payment I'll be accepting is you enjoying your McMuffin." A shit-eating grin makes its way across Jack's face, and Lee's heart swells at the fact that he actually remembers. "I can be stubborn too, you see."

Lee chuckles. "You're already stubborn."

"You're more stubborn."

"You just proved my point."

Another eye roll comes his way. "Sure." Then Jack holds out his arms, broad chest an open invitation. "Come here."

Lee doesn't hesitate. He just sinks into the wide expanse of Jack's embrace, his shoulders hard against the side of Lee's head, cheek pressed into familiarly unyielding muscle. This is it, he thinks, wrapped in the golden warmth of the boy he loves, tongue a cherry knot in his mouth. He's so light-headed he can barely breathe, oxygen overflowing from his lungs and spilling into his beating heart. His pulse is an echo in the wake of Jack's storm, the pounding bass of the hurricane of his wayward feelings thudding through his ribs. This is home.

"Hey," Jack whispers softly, lips a parted heart against Lee's head. "Are you okay?"

And in the pages of their chapter of the universe, Lee falls in love all over again. He smiles into Jack's chest, his grin stretching from ear to ear and flying up, up, up, all the way to the stars. "Never been better, Pref."

But then it hits him.

"Jack," Lee mutters, frowning. "Where's your uniform?"

The invisible wall between them slams down again.

Jack's face contorts into a scowl as he shoves his fists into the pockets of his trousers. "Didn't feel like wearing it today," he mumbles, glancing away shiftily. He's lying, Lee thinks mutedly.

"Jack. You always wear your uniform to school."

"I went home to change before coming here."

"Into another school uniform?"

"I like the polo," Jack mumbles unconvincingly, flushing scarlet.

"Then how come this is the first time I've seen you wear it since you got your uniform?"

Jack's cheeks redden even more, mouth twisting hard. "Just drop it, Lee," he growls

The invisible wall. The great divide. A million little things---here, there, everywhere.

Lee meets Jack's glare with a defiant stare. He aims his hammer at the invisible wall and swings.

"No. Tell me what happened," he demands, placing his hands on his hips and puffing out his unfortunately non-existent tits.

Jack's eyes harden, narrowing until they're barely slits in his head. Lee raises his chin stubbornly. One of us is backing down today, and it's not me.

When Jack lowers his head, sighing, Lee's chest swells in triumph. It's more than victory. It's...progress, almost. As if there's hope for a solution when they butt heads. As if there's a little more give and a little less take. As if the push and pull between them has finally settled in the middle.

"I got removed from my position," Jack mutters. Without the starched collar of his uniform to cover it, the burn on his neck seems angrier now, bigger and darker and redder. An echo of the mark on Lee's elbow. A cruel reminder that their fates have been stitched together now, for better or for worse.

Lee blinks. "What?"

(He seems to be saying that a lot today.)

"Doesn't matter."

"But why? You're literally the perfect prefect! You even sacrificed your nose for the job! Twice!"

Jack flushes, mouth contorting into a scowl. "Listen, it's nothing, okay?"

"But---"

"Drop it, Lee," Jack snarls. "Don't you fucking know when to shut up?" For a moment, Lee sees the soft, kind Jack he's known for the past few weeks evaporate, leaving nothing but the wounded animal behind---beaten, bruised, curled into a ball on the ground, so desperate to protect himself that he hurts Lee instead. And Lee feels it, feels it like a knife right through his chest, and he tries not to victimise himself, but it burns all the same, and...

Jack withdraws, the fire fading from his being. "Look---I'm sorry, okay?" His tongue staggers over his words. "I just---I'll see you later. I just don't...I don't really want to talk right now."

I don't want to talk about it, is what Lee hopes he's saying. I don't want to talk to you, is what Lee knows he means.

"Jack---" Lee starts, brown paper bag slick between his clammy, reaching fingertips, but Jack's already getting on his bike.

He leaves without a goodbye.

Lee lets him go.

٩( ᐛ )و

He's all out of tears to cry, so he holes himself up in his room and stares at his McMuffin until it finally goes down his throat. Socks is outside, having reclaimed the living room as her own. He's thankful for that.

Lee knows it's his own fault that he destroys everything good he's ever known, but he can't help the fury bubbling up inside him, spilling over the top of his glass until he's sweeping his textbooks off his desk and letting them crash to the ground like the splinters of his heart.

"It's not fair!" he screams at the silence of the walls, hurling an entire handful of pencils at them. The lead tips leave angry grey marks over the pristine white paint, staining Lee's vision crimson. It feels good. Better than it should feel. It rejuvenates him, sending power flowing through his veins, the fine lines of the anger he's sketched through his blood, the perfect hurricane he's made of. "Everyone fucks up! But why can't I have a decent life like all the other fuckups?"

Boys are hurricanes. Lee knows that. And he is one as he rips the sheets from his uncrumpled bed and flings them around the walls, nails scratching the pages from the spines of any books in sight, palms crushing pencils and paper and his own heart to smithereens. He is powerful, unstoppable, alive---

Blood trickles down his wrist.

Lee pauses. Through his blurry vision, the scar on his knuckles drip scarlet over his hands, a macabre masterpiece from the mouths of the devils living inside him. Wrinkled clothes and shredded covers line the wooden floor, windswept debris strewn through his mind's eye. A reminder of the demons he's hidden for so long. Proof of the monster he's become.

He slumps to the ground, jellied legs shaking beneath him. No.

His hands tremble, blood pooling around him in a desperate wave. He feels his eyesight flicker, too dry for tears. And he wonders, wonders why he keeps fucking up everything good in his life. Why he's always a burden and nothing more. Why no one wants him. Why he keeps spiralling into this deep, dark place, a black hole of lost boys without enough love to live.

Maybe I don't deserve to live.

His phone rings.

Lee snaps back to reality, scrambling past the haphazard items flung everywhere and scrabbling for the device. His hand closes around the screen, and he brings it to his ear without even glancing at the caller I.D.

"Hello?"

The voice that follows is sharp, crisp, matter-of-fact. And unwantedly familiar.

"I'll cut to the chase, Leroy," his uncle declares. "Do you want to see your mom?"

hello!!! sorry i've been MIA for about a month! i'm not dead!!! (unfortunately)

i went on holiday to somewhere near my hometown with my friends, and we've been doing nothing but eating and gossiping for the past two weeks, lol. we did climb a mountain tho so that was lit :D (at least two of us cried on the way up lolol it was very high)

(we also agreed that 'best friends to lovers' and 'enemies to lovers' are the SUPERIOR tropes)

sorry if this chapter sucks! i wrote like 90% of it on the plane rides back and forth (cause we went to several places, so several short plane rides) and the last 10% today haha. so i didn't really have time to edit T_T especially cause i'm tryna get the last few chapters out before 2023 starts! (so expect a double update next week!)

i'm planning some new stuff for 2023, such as a manga-style novella and an Adonis rewrite :0 especially since i have a couple months off before college starts (HOPEFULLY) since the course i'm looking at starts in April xD (it's either that or the February course T_T)

this chapter was pretty hard to write cause a) i had writer's block the size of Jupiter and b) it unlocked a bunch of old insecurities i didn't even know i had, lool. especially since i heard (through the grapevine, but this is a firsthand account) that some of my old friends were talking shit about me, especially my looks :((( ah well, you win some, you lose some. i'm not in contact with them anymore anyway, so it's not really a big deal. life's like that haha

so i'm really sorry if this chapter was trash! cause i really struggled with it T_T as usual, constructive criticism and feedback is always appreciated, and please let me know what you thought of this chapter!

now, shameless self-promo: if you're a fan of kpop, Tomorrow x Together, or just love at first sight in general, watch out for my Christmas Sookai (Soobin x Hueningkai) oneshot dropping on December 25th on my fanfic account! it's an AU, so you can read it even if you're not into kpop :) warning: it's literally the fluffiest thing i have EVER written.

there's only 3 chapters (+ the bonus chapter which will SPOILER ALERT: be in the much-requested POV of another popular character other than Lee ;) as well as the A/N, which will include trivia and some character profiles!) left of CB and i'm so excited to finish this novel! it's so long omg T_T the longest i've ever written lolol

that's all from me today! lmk what's going on with your lives, and how everyone's doing! take care, stay safe, and ily guys <333

xoxo, Alex