There is a blurry line between the present and the past. Crossing it feels like falling snow. Soft, light, cold to the bones---and then it whirls into a storm, piling, piling, piling until it buries Lee alive. The knowledge that every action flecks his blood-stained hands with another scar tugs at every cell, stretching them taut against the cage of his skin. Stepping into the past is cruel, painful, acid on his tongue, a laminated snapshot he'd buried in the dark. Every time he reaches out for the present, it crumbles, nothing but sandcastle dreams. And Lee knows, just knows, that once he walks into the past this time, he won't be able to come back.

Maybe he doesn't want to come back.

٩( ᐛ )و

Lee's blood burns. It scorches his bones black and boils the marrow in his limbs. His chest stings, rage scorching crimson trails across every rib. The mark on his elbow wavers and grows and spreads, dripping with liquid ruination and tangling his nerves into a hurricane.

Yumeko would kill me if she knew I was doing this. Or maybe she'd join in.

The thought makes him smile. His grin's gone as quickly as it had come, though, replaced with anxious fingers tugging at scarred knuckles. The raised, curving line is somehow comforting, a beacon in the night. A reminder that he's done this before, and he can do it again.

"You're angry," the only therapist he's ever gone to had said, her blank pad pin-still on her lap. "You're angry at your dad for ignoring you and at your mom for moving to Spain with her new boyfriend."

"I'm not angry," Lee had insisted. "Mom calls me every day."

She hadn't listened, of course. No one ever had. "You're angry. That's why you're taking your anger out on other people."

Lee had stood up and left, because there hadn't been any point in telling her that no, he wasn't taking his anger out on other people, because he'd never fought anyone before, and he hadn't wanted to fight anyone, but they'd hurt Jack, and they'd hurt him, and---

"The fuck's wrong with you?"

Danny's voice is just as sharp as it's always been, words plucked straight off banjo strings. Normally, Lee would jump---fake a reaction of some sort---but because he likes to think that this isn't particularly normal, he simply beams as brightly as he can. "Hey, Danny! I see you brought your friends!"

Danny scowls, his two lackeys following suit by plastering matching frowns across their faces. "What's it to you?"

"Oh, nothing." Lee lifts his hand to his chin, inspecting his nails carefully. "Just didn't think you were so much of a pussy that you needed to have backup for a casual talk."

"You threatened to fucking hunt me down. I don't think there's anything casual about this talk."

Lee feels his grin widen. "You're right. Also, we won't be talking."

Then he punches Danny in the face.

The first hit feels like powdered cocaine. It's hot and cold at the same time, blazing frost, a riptide that rips through the metallic thrum of his searing blood. The way Danny's face collapses like melted putty beneath Lee's bumpy knuckles is cruelly pleasurous, a forbidden drug he could inhale forever. It's an addiction, one long buried, one long gone, and it roars to life in his scar-marked veins.

He's angry. Of course he's angry. Maybe the therapist had been right after all, Lee thinks bitterly, but she hadn't, because he hadn't been taking his anger out on everyone else. He'd been hurt. Injured. A wounded animal.

His limbs feel brittle, paper-thin. They tick like clockwork, running on muscle memory, the network of tissue and veins Lee's spent so long trying to push away growing and spreading and bursting out of his skin. And damn it, he's so fucking cold, blood sticking to his fingers and turning them to ice, every blow carving his heart out of his chest and dashing it to the cobblestones.

Another face. Another name. He doesn't care anymore. He can't.

Someone lets loose a guttural, agonised shriek. For all Lee knows, it could have come from his own mouth. A pair of legs clock him in the side, and he reels his fist back in response, his scarred knuckles crashing against crooked teeth. A closed palm whacks him in the temple, his head snapping sideways. Lee spins, fireworks screaming and shattering and imploding in his fingertips as he draws his elbow back and brings it down, hearing a ragged cry erupt from the space below. He grits his teeth and smashes his elbow down again, vermillion rage spilling off his cracked lips, amber spite dripping from every pore.

Everything is numb, frozen, the phantom burn on his elbow splashing fractured terracotta over every inch of his skin, blackening and shrivelling and crushing the skipping, halting thing in his chest. Flesh against flesh, bone against bone, blood against blood.

"Lee!"

Skin splinters under his touch, parting like the Red Sea. Lee can taste the sharp tang of copper in his mouth, and it sears the underside of his palate like the flicker of hot wax. The push-back is less now, far smaller than he'd expect from three people, and it drives Lee wild. It turns the pain into pleasure, bloodlust coursing through his veins, the urge to hurt, punish, kill, rampant in every pore. It sends fire arcing through his flying fists and twines electricity around his ankles, the power condensed in his lithe body crackling in the air.

"Lee!"

He feels immortal. He feels infallible. He feels unstoppable.

"Lee!"

Lee stops.

His vision clears, the bright, blurry red fading from his line of sight. A spray of blood, stark and screaming, coats the wall behind him, the same crimson stuff dripping off his fingers in a steady trickle. Three crumpled lumps, bodies contorted and swollen, lie groaning on the ground. And in front of him stands the stock-still form of Jack Sang, face twisted in horror.

He wants to laugh. It's ridiculously hilarious, after all. The boy he's done everything for, would do anything for, staring down at what Lee's pretty sure has just become a crime scene. But because he's certain Jack already thinks he's got a few screws loose, he settles for a big grin. "Hey. Didn't expect you to be around this late."

"I take my eyes off you for one day, and fucking hell," Jack squawks, sounding extraordinarily flustered. In all honesty, Lee's surprised Jack's not freaking out even more than he already is. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that he hasn't worn his tie all day, the bandage taped against his neck poking out of his collar ever so slightly, and the very cause of it lies half-dead at Lee's new sneakers. Or maybe it's because shock is one hell of a drug. "What the hell, Lee? Do I have to bail you out of jail now?"

"Calm down, jailbait. You're not that young."

"How are you making jokes at a time like this?" Jack shrieks, and Ah, Lee thinks. Now that's the prefect I know.

"By opening my mouth. Besides, they're not dead." Lee nudges Danny's side with his foot---or at least, he thinks it's Danny. His face is a bloody mess, beaten to grapefruit-coloured pulp. "Especially this one. Oi, get up. I've got something for you to do."

Danny rolls over and moans. He's a disaster---bones twisted, hair half yanked-out, clothes streaked vermillion. Lee remembers the feel of Danny's face biting into his scarred-knuckled fist, and his hands itch to punch him again.

Instead, he kicks Danny's hip lightly. "Hurry up, you bastard. If you can't walk, fucking crawl. Weren't you a man just yesterday? All big talk and burning people who were just trying to do their jobs with your damn cigarettes. That shit's not good for your health, you know. And I may not like Jack either, but you didn't have to disfigure that gorgeous body."

For once, Jack doesn't chastise him. Lee's beginning to think shock's a stronger drug than he'd originally thought.

"Fucking...hell," Danny forces out, face still pressed to the floor, the twang of his voice a knife in his throat. His words are slurred. "I know you're fucking pissed, but fuck---"

"Oh, I'm not pissed." Lee grins pleasantly. "I'm not the one who should be pissed, after all." He waves a flippant hand in Jack's direction. "Go apologise to him."

Danny lifts his head slightly, nose a busted mess. He's almost unrecognisable now, blue and purple and red. Blood runs down his chin, leaking from the new gap between his teeth. Lee savours the sight with a little more glee than he should have. "What?"

"You heard me. Go apologise to him, you piece of shit."

Mumbling curses all the while, Danny begins to drag himself to his feet. Lee delivers a hard kick to his back, sending him down again. "Get on your knees and crawl like the bitch you are."

The words tumble out of Lee's mouth before he can stop them, something sadistic grabbing onto each side of his ribcage and pulling until all his organs spill out. Darkness swirls in the blank expanse around his brain, infesting his mind with the yearning to hurt Danny more---to grab his chin and tear it off his jaw.

The thought almost scares him. Almost.

"Fucking---" Danny spits a wad of blood onto the ground, and Lee swears he sees tears in his eyes. His vision flickers again, blurry and red. He grabs the back of Danny's neck and forces his head up so he's staring straight into Jack's horrified brown irises.

"Apologise. Now," Lee growls, and he hardly recognises the voice that emanates from his raw throat. It's deep, angry, a million demons wrapped in an angel's skin.

"Fucking hell! I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry! Call your guard dog off!" Danny's apology is laced with desperation, flecked with bile.

Lee's shoe flies into his back again. "What kind of fucking apology is---"

"Lee!" Jack's moved---Lee's surprised. He'd thought he'd be too shocked to move. He's at Lee's side now, gripping his wrists in his rough palms, and an electric shock of pure thrill shoots up Lee's spine. "Enough, okay? Stop it!"

A lopsided grin paints itself across Lee's mouth. "Okay, Pref. You're the boss." He kneels down. Danny's face is on the ground again. Lee grabs his collar and yanks him up. "Remember, you fell. Okay? Say anything different and I'll finish the job." His smile widens. There's murder on his tongue. "And my daddy's rich as hell, so we all know I won't get in trouble for it." He glances around at Danny's groaning lackeys, taking in their pulverised bodies with grim satisfaction. "The same applies for you two. You fell. All of you. Got it?"

They don't reply at first. Lee kicks them. It's then that Danny lifts his head in an agonised nod, eyes a silent plea for Lee to stop hurting his friends. Lee barely has time to roll his eyes before Jack's dragging him away, those large, veiny hands clamped tight around Lee's wrists. In normal circumstances, Jack's weak pull would do nothing to budge Lee, but because he's a sucker for the guy, he lets him.

Jack doesn't stop until they're in the nearly-deserted parking lot, standing between a beat-up Volvo and a dinky little bicycle Lee knows is Jack's.

Lee tilts his head back, feeling blood drip down his upper lip. His temple throbs. The scar on his knuckle gapes open, liquid agony flowing down his palms and slipping through his fingers. There's the distinctive tang of copper on his teeth and rings of purple-blue dotted from fingertip to elbow. "Shit, I really didn't want to do that again."

Jack's face is so red Lee worries he might explode, and he's not sure if it's from embarrassment or anger.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Jack bursts out.

Anger. Right.

"Everything, darling. I've got daddy issues." Lee's not sure why he's so calm, when there's blood staining his hands and old scars staining his heart. It's cathartic, almost---amber quartz and honeyed rose and molten gold. It wraps around his aching chest like an old blanket and kisses him goodnight. He feels...strange. Peaceful. Weirdly okay.

"You nearly killed three guys because you have daddy issues?"

"When you put it that way, it sounds a lot less badass than it did in my head."

"Fighting's not badass. It's fatherless behaviour."

"Ouch, Pref. Didn't need to hit so close to home."

Jack snorts. "Someone's got to call you out." He grabs Lee's shoulders. "Sit down."

"What, on your bike?"

"No, on my dick. Of course I mean the bike, dumbass."

"I would prefer the dick," Lee wisps. Jack lets out a noise of irritation and forces Lee down onto the raggedy bike. It's stiff and hard against his behind---a far cry from the luxury leather of the car seats Lee's used to. But Jack looks pissed off enough already, so Lee doesn't complain, electing to stay still as Jack digs out tissues from his pockets and swears like a sailor all the while.

"You're bleeding like hell, you fucking donkey. What were you even thinking?" Jack chastises, dabbing at Lee's split lip. Lee briefly allows himself to wonder if Jack stares at his mouth too when he's cleaning him up.

"That's nothing. You should have seen the other guys."

"I did. You're fucking insane. Taking on three guys at once, what the hell?" The slightest edge of admiration slips through Jack's audible irritation, and relief floods Lee's chest.

"So you're not mad?"

"Of course I'm mad, you moron."

Lee lets out a laugh that turns into a hiss of pain as Jack starts dabbing at his split knuckles. "Just admit I was super cool out there."

"Super cool aren't exactly the words I'd use to describe you. Super dumb, maybe."

"And yet you still love me."

"No comment." Jack shifts his attention to Lee's collar once the bleeding's subsided a little, tugging at the crooked edges of his polo until they're nearly as crisp as Jack's own. Lee doesn't have the heart to tell him that they'll be crumpled again in less than ten minutes. "You did that for me, didn't you?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

Jack looks like he wants to smack Lee in the head. "Of course you do, dumbass." Then he softens a little, something almost affectionate creeping into his ever-constant brown eyes. "You didn't need to, you know."

"Of course I did. They scarred you." Lee's bloody hand instinctively travels to the base of his elbow, picking at the scar he's carried for so long. "You'll have the mark for life. I didn't---didn't want them to get away with that." He can't help it. It boils his bones to think of how Danny and his lackeys have ruined Jack forever, marring his perfect skin with the proof of their hot-blooded, overly-cocky evil.

His breath hitches in his throat as Jack sweeps Lee's blue-grey bangs away from his forehead and gently brushes his hand against the new bruise there, clicking his tongue irritatedly. "You're a fucking idiot. Don't risk your life for me."

"Some people are worth risking lives for."

"Not like this. Now you're going to be expelled or something, and---"

"I won't be." Lee chuckles. "If you don't tell on me, that is."

"You really think a few threats are going to keep those guys from snitching?"

Lee shrugs. "Why not? I'm a real charmer, aren't I?"

"You're a real idiot, that's what you are."

"I'll take that as a compliment." Lee exhales noisily, tilting his head forward as Jack shifts his attention to a thin row of nail marks across Lee's cheek. "They won't, Jack. Don't worry about me." He wishes he could reassure him more, but that would mean bringing up Benny Samuels again---Lee doesn't think either of them are ready for that.

"You can't go around nearly killing people just because they hurt your friends."

"Oh, so we're friends now?" Lee teases. "Thought we were an old married couple at this point, honestly." His smile softens, bending at the edges. "Lighten up, Pref." To test the waters, he reaches for Jack's free hand. Jack makes a noise of distress at how Lee's fingers still have blood on them but doesn't protest otherwise, instead continuing to fuss over Lee's injuries.

(Truth be told, Lee's surprised he hasn't broken at least one bone. He supposes he's better at fighting than he gives himself credit for. Or maybe Danny and his gang are just losers.)

"In your dreams," Jack scoffs. "I wouldn't marry you if my life depended on it."

"Yeah, and I'm only into girls."

Jack shoots a glare at him.

Lee shrugs innocently. "What? I thought we were having a lying competition."

"You're such a pain in the ass," Jack complains. He lets go of Lee's palm---when had Jack become the one clasping their fingers together?---and starts fixing his hair, brushing down the unruly blue strands with the pads of his thumbs. "You're lucky I showed up, or you'd be sitting in jail for homicide right now."

"Yeah. I'm lucky to have you."

Jack hesitates, hand paused over Lee's bruised forehead. "Not as lucky as I am to have you," he mumbles, and Lee swears his heart stops in his chest. Red colours Jack's cheeks and bandaged neck, and he looks away for a second. "If anyone asks, I never said that."

"Don't worry, Pref. It's okay to love me. I consider myself very lovable." Lee's certain he's grinning like a maniac right now. It's not a great time to be happy, especially after he's just reverted back to the physical violence he swore he'd never use again and nearly committed three murders, but he can't help it---Jack's words are a drug he can't get enough of.

"Don't flatter yourself. I'm just grateful. Although you really shouldn't have beaten them up, because violence is not the answer, and fighting is simply a degenerate way for macho men to prove exactly how macho they are---"

"Spare me the lecture, Pref. Just say thank you and get on with it. I won't do it again." Lee holds up his bloody hands. "Fingers crossed. Or you can thank me later." He winks. "I accept cash, credit, and blowjobs."

Jack smacks him. Lee laughs.

"I'm not giving you a blowjob." Jack sighs. "But thank you, really. I appreciate it." His eyes flicker over Lee's banged-up form. I appreciate you, they seem to say. And for a moment, Lee feels naked---strung out and bare in front of a boy he likes a little too much for his own good. There's something in Jack's gaze, a little hard, a little soft, and Lee wonders if he can see right through him. If he can see all the lies, all the pain, all the sadness and anger and fake cheer---and how Lee can't stop falling like the stars, shrouded in the cosmic embrace of sacred mortality.

listen to Good Boy Gone Bad by Tomorrow x Together during the fight scene, like when i tell you it adds SO much to the atmosphere I MEAN IT, like i was listening to GBGB while writing this chapter and IT WORKS SO WELL because Lee's a good boy and now he's gone bad 🤠

while you're at it listen to the whole mini album too! it's only 5 songs so it won't take long 😁 my current song ranking of the album is probably Thursday's Child (yes i like TCHFTG A LOT) >>> Good Boy Gone Bad > Trust Fund Baby > Opening Sequence > Lonely Boy, but the whole album is honestly really good! (as expected of Tall x Taller and their FLAWLESS discography)

and after you finish GBGB, listen to Rocky (Boxers Ver.) by Ateez too! that was another song i listened to while writing this scene, and i think it really fits too!

fyi, i'm not encouraging violence. do not beat people up for no reason. i'm just saying that in some situations, violence can be JUSTIFIED. i was bullied like hell when i was younger and learned self-defense so it would stop. i stopped it myself. and so did Lee. don't be violent for no reason, kids. but if there's a good reason, go for it.

(my dad's worse lmao he says "yeah it's fine to get into fights as long as you win" good news for him i've won every fight i've gotten into. although i haven't fought physically in 3 years because those days are behind me)

CB is SO experimental so far and i'm literally super worried. it's taking every bit of willpower in my body to keep experimenting with new styles and not regress back into the exact same thing i did for TSP because i'm so nervous nothing will ever be able to live up to TSP aaaaa----really i'm like "should i even keep writing because nothing will ever top TSP" but I CAN'T STOP WRITING JSHDKSKKS i also can't stop experimenting which is a Very Bad Idea and it shows in how terrible CB is

sorry there wasn't an update last week! i'm having a really hard time with my mental health in general, especially since a lot's happening rn. also my English teacher (yes, the one who was the first person to tell me to write a book and also the guy who makes a cameo as an English teacher in nearly every novel/novella i write), who is also my fav teacher ever is leaving our school in July and i'm heartbroken. i've been crying sm because i'm really close to him, and although i'm happy for him (he's going to go teach college! so it's a huge promotion) i'm so sad we'll be losing him, especially after 5 years with him </3

but on the bright side, i have one more paper on Monday and then i'll be done with my exams for like two months! so hopefully i'll be able to become something resembling active soon lmao

lmk if you spot any mistakes! this is unedited so T_T also lmk what you think of this chapter! it's a pretty heavy one and involves a lot more action than i write usually so i hope it turned out well!

as always, stay safe, stay healthy, and take care of yourselves! ily guys <333

xoxo, Alex