The drive to Jon's house is both fun and awkward at the same time, with Jon alternating between jokes and life advice, Cory continuously swearing in Spanish, and Lee just soaking everything in. Jack is a perpetual thundercloud in the passenger seat, probably too drugged up on the lack of sleep to say much.

Jack stays in the car when Lee pulls up in Jon's doorstep---"I barely know these people," is his excuse, and when Jon wraps a casual arm around Lee's shoulders and directs him to his doorstep, Lee swears Jack's sleepy gaze turns into a glare. (It's probably his imagination, though. The disappointment of Jack's confession not actually being a confession is seriously messing with his brain.)

When they reach Jon's front door, Cory surprises him with a hug so ferocious Lee nearly falls backwards. "You'd better take care of yourself, amigo."

"And come back to school soon," Jon adds. He grins. "We'll collect homework for you if you want."

Lee rolls his eyes. "Homework's the least of my worries right now, I'd say." Then he smiles, staring at his friends. (It's comforting to know he's got more friends than just Yumeko now. Especially since he's not sure what the heck Jack is anymore.) "Thanks, guys. For a great time. And for all the support. I'll see you in a few days." He winks. "If you're lucky."

Cory shoves him gently. "Get out of here, cabrón."

"Hey!" Jon pouts. "Why are you calling him sweetheart? I'm your boyfriend!"

"Sweetheart? I just called him a dumbass!"

"You told me it meant sweetheart!"

"And that's my cue to leave," Lee butts in. He sends a quick salute their way. "So long, lovebirds! Try not to eat each other's faces off!" Once they've replied with matching waves and goodbyes, Lee heads back to his car, where Jack sits in the passenger seat, arms folded over his chest.

"Didn't know you were that close with Cory," Jack states acridly, sounding far more irritated than he'd been just five minutes ago. (Lee's not sure why. Maybe it's the weather?)

"Oh, yeah, we're cool. It's a long story." Lee climbs into the driver's seat, settling his hands on the wheel. The scar climbing over his knuckles flexes vividly, as if firmly etching its place in his life. "He thought I was after his man, but nope. I'm no homewrecker." Unlike Katie, he thinks bitterly, before immediately chastising himself for the notion. It's not her fault. Don't be a dick to people you don't even know. "And no, I'm not after him either." He winks. "Don't be jealous."

Jack lets out a series of spluttering noises that sound like a mix between choking and cursing. "I'm not jealous, you dumb fuck. I'm just---" He shakes his head, massaging his temples irritatedly. "Ugh. Never mind. Where the hell are we going?"

"Space." Lee turns the key in the ignition, revels in the way his engine purrs like a big cat stretching itself out on a hot summer's day.

Truth be told, Lee would hate going to space. It's dark and scary and if gravity wasn't around to pull his feet to the ground, he'd be drifting all the time---sinking, floating, the drowning man. And it terrifies him, the idea of hurtling through the unknown, surrounded by nothing but the universe.

(Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if Jack were with him.)

Jack rolls his eyes dramatically. "The places I follow you to."

"Oh, you'd go to space for me?" Lee asks teasingly, grinning madly.

"I wouldn't go anywhere for you. Stop flattering yourself."

"And yet here you are," Lee muses, making Jack shut up immediately. He laughs, pulling the car out of Jon's driveway. "You should take a nap. You look fucked up."

Jack turns to him tiredly, the bags under his eyes startlingly dark. Stark against his milk-pale skin, the space above his cheekbones drenched in ghostly purple. His usually-flawless posture is gone, replaced with inecessant slouching, weariness lining every inch of his body. Suddenly, he looks far older than seventeen, wrung out and haggard. "And whose fault is that?" he fires back.

"I said I was sorry."

"You better be," Jack grumbles, burrowing further into the Camaro's plush seats. Deep frown lines appear across his forehead, marking his ever-serious countenance with worry. "I thought I was going to lose my mind, you stupid fucker. I kept calling and calling and calling and you just didn't fucking pick up and---"

Lee briefly leans over to the passenger's side, one hand on the steering wheel. For a moment, the dangers of taking his eyes off the road lingers in his mind, flickering in flashes of blood and gore in the corner of his blurry vision. He wonders if he should be more careful, then pushes the thought out of his mind. If I die today, then so be it. At least I'll die happy.

He's done with being careful.

His hand brushes over Jack's eyelids gently, leaving trails of pixie dust and shards of broken dreams behind. Sparks of reckless courage flaring in his chest, Lee moves closer, the empty road glinting in his mind's eye. The scent of laundry detergent and sea salt and hot chocolate clings to him and hugs him like he wishes Jack would. "I'm here now, Pref," Lee whispers, lips almost brushing Jack's forehead---almost, but not quite. The sentence feels like a song. A prayer for Jack to stay. "Sleep."

And then, in the safety of his head, in morphemes too silent to hear, in nervous heartbeats that mean more than words ever could, he murmurs a million wishes, meaning them more than the sun loves the moon. He mouths it wordlessly, shamelessly, a hurricane of butterflies swirling in his stomach. I love you, he thinks, each syllable coating the curve of his lips in melted honey as the engine hums like a lullaby and Jack's eyes finally flutter shut.

٩( ᐛ )و

"Oi, Sleeping Beauty. Get up," Lee says, one hand shaking Jack's shoulder as he finishes parking the car. "We're here."

Jack mumbles something inaudible---obviously still mostly in Dreamland---and rubs his eyes. "Where the fuck---"

"Little boutique I spotted while I was painting the town with the guys." Lee yanks open the driver's door and winks maniacally, grabbing Jack's arm. "Come on. Let's go. I've been wanting to do this forever."

With some grumbling---and a lot more shaking from Lee's end---Jack eventually drags himself out of the car, hair sticking up in ten different directions. (Lee finds it cuter than he should.) He squints, as if taking in the classy cream exterior of the tiny shop and the pastel pink sign screaming Lacey's in thin cursive. "What are you getting?"

"A vibrator." When Jack's eyes bug out of his head, Lee laughs. "Just kidding. Why would I need something I already have?"

Jack presses one hand to his forehead in exasperation. "Why does everything you say always get worse with each sentence?"

"It's a gift." Lee clicks his key fob, making sure the chirpy beep-beep travels to his ears, before beckoning to a rather irritated-looking Jack. "Come on. Get inside." And then, with a malicious little smirk, "That's what she said."

Jack rolls his eyes to the heavens but follows him anyway. Lee's grateful for that.

Lacey's is even more classy on the inside, creamy walls and white ceilings plastered behind light pink racks and cherry-themed memorabilia. Lee's gaze drifts to the window display---the very thing that had drawn him to the shop---before he shakes his head quickly. Nope. Not going to happen. Remember what you've always told yourself: look less like Mom, not more like her. And that's not going to help.

"What are you looking for?" Jack questions, brown eyes wide as he glances around the store. Ariana Grande's seductive croon bubbles through the pastel pink speakers, a fitting contrast against the bright white lights lining the ceiling above their heads. Lee doesn't reply immediately, soaking in the whole new world he's suddenly thrust himself into.

It had seemed like a good idea earlier. It really had. But now, when he's actually submerged in the moment, he's more than a little scared.

"Hey." At the sound of the gruffly-uttered call, Lee turns. Jack's rough hand is suddenly in his, so close he can feel every vein pressed against his own palm, so close his heart instantly goes into overdrive. And when Jack lightly runs his thumb against the love line of Lee's palm, Lee swears he short-circuits. "Get whatever you want. I don't judge. If you need a change of pace, go get your change of pace. As long as you're happy, that's all that matters." Lee looks up just in time to see Jack's cheeks flush as pink as the clothing racks. "I want you to be happy."

Lee blushes. He can't help it, going red from the tips of his ears to the nape of his neck. Jack's words burrow beneath his skin and ignite a fire in his entire nervous system, shaking his limbs and veins and head until he can't think straight. "I like being happy." And I'm happy when I'm with you.

Jack snorts. "Who doesn't?" Lee's hand slips out of his, and Lee instantly feels the burn of water entering his lungs again. To his surprise, it's Jack's turn to flush, fingers slipping to the back of his neck and rubbing it awkwardly. "For what it's worth, I'm pretty happy around you."

Unable to conceal the giant grin that pricks his lips upwards, Lee teases, "Really? You sure don't show it."

"Because I know you'll be rubbing it in my face for weeks. You're annoying as shit."

"And you love it." Lee runs his hand over the nearest item, a denim jacket with glittery patches over the pockets. Out of the corner of his eye, he notices a girl sidling towards them, a leggy, wide-hipped wraith silhouetted in heavy black lipstick. It isn't until she speaks that Lee realises exactly why his spine's gone cold.

"Jack? Lee? What are you guys doing here?" Sunny Tan asks. Her chain-wrapped jeans hang low on her waist, a sleeveless crop top emblazoned with Lacey's in cherry-pink cursive sits across her chest. Fuck, Lee thinks, having entirely forgotten that it's already after-school hours and some people actually have part-time jobs. (He's never had to worry about one, after all.)

Lee stiffens, freezing in place. Jack's fingers flutter to the small of Lee's back---almost touching him, almost holding him, almost cupping Lee in the palm of his big hand. The gesture is protective, a shield against the prejudice of the world. "Something for...my sister. We're getting it. Birthday present. Yeah," Jack fibs, and Lee falls just a little more. Jack's a horrible liar---always has been, really---but the fact that he's willing to lie to protect Lee makes Lee feel warmer than the Sahara Desert.

Except Lee's not scared anymore. He promised himself he wouldn't be.

"It's okay, Pref," Lee says, gently resting his hand on Jack's muscular arm. He musters his best grin, even though something inside him wants to throw up and run for reasons even he doesn't know. "Hey, Sunny. I'm---" A lump forms in his throat, and for a moment, Lee wonders what the heck he's doing, and why he's shaking so much, and why he can make a million jokes about wanting tits but the notion of even admitting to why he's in a shop obviously catered to girls makes his palms too clammy to bear. "---grabbing something." Another gasp of air. Another bright flash of teeth. "Thought I'd spice up my wardrobe a bit and decided to drag Jack along."

He braces himself for impact, the verbal gunshot that's sure to hit him in the chest and kill him dead.

It never does.

"Awesome." Sunny snaps the gum in her mouth, an elastic piece of bright green and white that easily wraps around her tongue, the minty scent so strong Lee can smell it from where he's standing. "Need any suggestions? I've got an idea of what would look great on your figure."

Startled, Lee balks, hesitantly shaking his head. "Ah---I'm good. I just want to...browse, you know? I've never done this before."

Sunny shoots him two thumbs-ups. "Got it. Let me know if you need any help." She gestures at the overflowing racks behind her. "I'm here until ten, after all."

When she's gone, having disappeared behind one of the overstuffed shelves, Lee lets out the breath he'd been holding. To cover up the fact that he'd been silently hyperventilating barely a minute ago, he playfully punches Jack in the arm. "That wasn't so bad, was it? Look at you, stepping in to cover up for me and all. Bet Jax would love that birthday present."

"Shut up," Jack mutters, flushing hotly, his hand slipping from Lee's waist---when had it travelled there? "I didn't know if you'd want to say you were shopping for yourself, okay?"

"I'm kidding." Lee presses his head against Jack's broad shoulder affectionately, a quick touch to set loose the butterflies in his stomach once more. "Thank you." Before Jack can respond, he skips off, darting into the racks of glitter and glam.

Lacey's is admittedly a lot nicer than most men's clothing departments, and Lee briefly wonders why it's taken him eighteen years to work up the guts to do this kind of thing. He sifts through skinny jeans and sleek blazers, as well as a Daddy's Little Princess crop top that he considers buying just to fluster Jack. Still, despite everything, there's nothing that's quite right, nothing that fits what he's looking for---

"Aren't you going to try on the dress in the window?"

Lee jumps, dark eyes flitting to Jack, who's somehow appeared behind him without him noticing. "What do you mean?" he wisps meekly, heart beating wildly as he slams his best innocent expression onto his face.

"You know." Jack gestures to the shop's window display, something Lee had promised himself he wouldn't even go near to. "The dress over there. You keep glancing at it."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Lee forces out, teeth gritted so hard he's afraid he might bust a vein. "My eyes tend to wander. Focus problems."

Jack sighs loudly. "Lee. If you want it, just try it on. I literally will not judge, and neither will Sunny." He looks away, gaze shifting to the floor. His sneakers are dirty, beat-up, sad. Lee contemplates buying him a new pair. (After all, he's pretty sure he's Yumeko's sugar daddy at this point. One more sugar baby wouldn't hurt.) "I think you'll look good in it."

All the water evaporates from Lee's mouth, leaving his tongue drier than shredded sand. He swallows, hard, suddenly at a loss for words---extremely rare for Lee and his generally big mouth that tends to run away from him. The things you do to me, Jack Sang. "I'll look stupid," he admits.

A whistle of air escapes Jack's lips, his cheeks puffing out slightly. "Never try, never know."

A minute later, Lee's at the window, eyes firmly fixed on the mannequin. The dress itself is simple enough---a thin cream sundress that boasts a low neckline and flares out around the waist to mid-thigh. But it's the fact that his mother used to wear those types of dresses all the time, flouncing around the house like she owned the moon and all the stars, romantic poetry and grenadine dreams drifting from her thin, cherry-pink lips, lips that Lee had inherited from her. In fact, he'd inherited nearly all his features from her, from her tanned skin to her sloping nose to her bright, starry eyes, astral eyes that glitter like onyx ciphers and make Lee's heart burn whenever he looks in the mirror.

And it's in the window that he sees her as he holds the soft dress up to his chest, his blue-grey hair doing nothing to hide the reflection of his mother staring back from the glass. The image that's haunted all his best dreams and his worst nightmares. The image that's caused his father so much pain over the years. The image that's sucked all the love from his life and rendered him unworthy of even being glanced at by the only person he wants to notice him.

"You look nice."

At the sound of the familiar voice twisted into such unfamiliar words, Lee's head whips around. Jack lingers a short distance away, something uncharacteristically soft lining his perfect mouth---the flickering embers of a smile, perhaps. "Are you going to try it on?" he asks.

Lee does his best to tear his gaze away from the ghost in the window. "Maybe."

"You should. The colour suits you."

The ghost in the mirror stays. Lee rips his eyes from it, from her, his own reflection crumbling in the forefront of his blurry vision. Thump, thump, thump, goes his traitorous, overdramatic myocardium, a gooey red mess that stains his ribs the colour of blood. "Okay."

That's how Lee waltzes out of the dressing room five minutes later, skirt flaring around his slim thighs, heart jackhammering out of his flimsy chest. The creamy cotton clings to his arms and waist like it had been made for him, dripping off his slender limbs like feathers on a swan. It breathes and sighs with the rise of his chest and the pulse of his heart, a living creature fed by the imprint of his blood. It waxes and wanes like the rising tide, so soft and yet so wild. It is serendipity. It is peace. It is air and joy and tear-stained love. And it's everything Lee's been looking for his whole life.

Jack's jaw hits the ground.

"Fuck," is all Jack manages to get out before Sunny Tan appears around the corner, mascara-ringed eyes widening to dramatic proportions.

"Hot damn, Lee!" she whistles. "You look like the teenage dream Katy Perry kept talking about!" She elbows a still-goggling Jack. "Mr Can't Close His Mouth certainly seems to agree."

"Fuck," Jack repeats. Lee takes more than a little satisfaction in the way his jaw can't seem to stop hanging open. A little self-consciously, he does a small twirl, and the way the skirt flows around his legs feels like modern architecture, silhouetting his lean calves in schoolgirl fantasies and checker-mat sunshine. "You look---wow. I mean." Jack reels back, as if trying to find the words. "You know. Wow. Just. Uh. I."

"I'll take over now, Jack," Sunny butts in, swooping over to Lee's side. "As you can tell, your boyfriend approves."

"He's not my boyfriend," Lee states, even though some part of him shatters at having to admit that. Jack's too busy staring to reply.

Sunny rolls her dark eyes. "Sure." Her ebony lips curve up in a big smile. "Want me to do your hair for you?"

When Lee nods hesitantly, he finds himself in front of a vanity mirror nearly twice the size of the one he has at home-‐-not that his is all that big, considering how he stopped being able to stand looking at his reflection a long time ago, sitting on a threadbare stool that could have been grand once upon a time. Instead of looking into the glass, as usual, he elects to stare at his lap. "We sell makeup too, so the customers are allowed to try it on over here. Which is all it's supposed to be used for," Sunny rambles, grabbing something shiny off a nearby rack. "But screw that. The owner's not here, and I get paid minimum wage for busting my ass off. Must as well entertain a couple of friends while I'm at it." She wrinkles her nose. "By the way, you know that friend of yours? The one with the bangs."

"You mean my wife? Yumeko?"

"Yeah." Sunny checks the mirror, using her black-lacquered nail to scrub at the nearest smudge. "Is she single?"

"Yu---oh. No. Sorry. She's got a girlfriend."

"Shame. She's pretty." Sunny peers down at Lee's reflection, squinting slightly. "You mind if I pin your bangs back?"

"You look better without bangs," Jack had said, so many times, when the universe had been nearly in Lee's reach.

"Sure," Lee replies.

Sunny sweeps his bangs into her hand, clipping them to the side with a simple white hairclip emblazoned with two faux rhinestones. She runs her fingers through his hair, brushing out the tangled knots gently, and Lee makes a mental note to shower the moment he gets to Jack's house. Cool air kisses his newly exposed forehead gently, and Lee finally lets himself look up.

"Holy fuck," Jack mumbles.

Lee stares into the mirror. A stranger stares back.

And Lee's not sure what to think anymore. He doesn't see the woman he's been seeing ever since his mother left, the ghost that's been living on in his reflection finally exorcised. He doesn't see the boy he mostly is, either---not really. He doesn't know what he's seeing. All he knows is that he likes it. That he likes her.

"Oh. Gosh." Lee runs his hand over his collarbones, over his neck, over himself. "I don't know what to say."

"That's okay!" Sunny pipes up. "I'm sure Jack will do all the talking for you!"

"Sunny---" Jack starts.

"What," Sunny says exasperatedly, rolling her eyes. "I'm setting you up here. Let me matchmake in peace. Also, say something other than wow. And uh doesn't count either."

"I'm just---" Jack stops short, scratching the back of his neck sheepishly. He goes bright red, and Lee silently revels in how flustered he is. "You just. Uh. Wow. I mean. You look."

Sunny snaps her fingers. "Words, Jack. Gas up the boyfriend, because he looks hot as hell."

Lee chuckles, brushing a stray lock of hair behind his ear. "What's wrong, Pref?" he teases, fluttering his hands in front of his face. "Am I too pretty?"

"You're fucking gorgeous," Jack blurts. "I mean. Uh. You look fucking gorgeous. And you're just. Wow. Holy shit. I'm just...you're so fucking pretty, Lee."

"I guess that settles it." Lee glances into the mirror one more time, and his reflection stares back. Not his mother's reflection. For the first time since she left, he sees himself, herself, the girl in the glass with the flyaway hair and comets for eyes. And for the first time, he manages to pull his head above water, even if only for a second. "I'll take it."

"So why the sudden fashion change?" Jack asks once they're back in the safety of Lee's Camaro. Lee hasn't started it yet, too busy asking questions like Are you sure your parents will be okay with me showing up like this and receiving answers like Do my folks look like bigots to you.

Lee tilts his head back against the soft leather of his seat, feeling it cave in lightly beneath him. "It's stupid." He tucks his hair back behind his ear, the comforting weight of the hairclip nestling against his scalp. A breathless laugh escapes him. "You're going to think I'm stupid."

"Hey." Jack's palm is suddenly over his, covering his hand completely. For a moment, Lee feels small, safe. "You're not stupid." He gulps, Adam's apple bobbing visibly. "I mean, you're a dumbass, but you're not...stupid, if you get what I mean. And I'd never think that."

Lee exhales slowly, feeling the burn of air rushing between his lips, wrapping around his teeth and setting his tongue alight. The air is thick, heavy. It hums out a rhapsody on the xylophone of Lee's ribcage and strings together windchimes in his heart. It waltzes across time and space like a clockwork ballerina, her flats leaving behind spots of stardust and gold. "Sometimes, I just kind of...feel like a girl, you know? Some days. And I know clothes don't have genders, but it just...feels good. To be a girl and wear girly things."

"Oh."

"Please don't hate me." Lee shifts his gaze to his lap, biting his lower lip so hard he's sure he'll draw blood anytime soon.

"Lee---no. Hey. Look at me." Lee doesn't, too embarrassed to meet Jack's eyes. So when Jack's fingers creep under his chin and lift it up gently, he has to resist the urge to dart away out of pure shock. Jack's usually-stony gaze is unnaturally tender, like melting chocolate and quilted mattresses, and he looks at Lee as if he'd hang the stars in the sky just for him. "I could never hate you, okay? Especially not for this. It's not weird, and you're not strange or anything. You're just Lee." Jack hesitates, the tips of his ears going pink. It curls over his cheeks and spreads into Lee's racing heart. "My Lee."

Oh. Fuck. Oh. The affection in those two simple words curls into Lee's fingertips, threading through every inch of his skin. He wants to pull his nails to his chest and keep them there forever, if only to feel that glorious warmth, no matter how platonic the notion is. It's a mistake, he knows, but he can't help it---can't help the way he'd rip out his heart and leave it bleeding raw for Jack. He paints his emotions silver and gold and let them glitter in the sun, a lighthouse beacon signalling the way he feels, so loud he's sure Jack can see them. That he can feel them too.

Lee tosses his head lightly, clipped hair bouncing around his ears. A chuckle escapes his lips, so airlessly dizzy he hardly recognises it. "I mean, I'm not a girl. Not all the time, anyway. Most days, I feel like a guy. But I just have some really female days, if you get what I mean?"

"Yeah. I get it. I mean, I don't, but I've got plenty of time to figure it out. And so do you." This time, Jack really does smile, lips pulling back to reveal bared teeth, a conscious effort that says more than words ever could. "We've got forever, after all."

"That we do, Pref," Lee laughs. For a moment, they are two kids on top of the world, heels stamping the rest of the universe to the ground, ozone and brimstone scorching the earth beneath their feet. "Gender's weird, honestly. That's why I don't think much about it." Then slowly, hesitantly, "Does it matter to you?"

Jack lifts his hand and gently taps the tip of Lee's nose. If he notices the way Lee instantly explodes, he doesn't show it. "No. You're still the same dumbass I've known for way too long."

"Way to shit on ten years of friendship, Pref," Lee teases. He leans back in his seat, exhaling like the weight of the world's finally been lifted off his shoulders. "You're the first person I've ever told this to, you know."

"Why?"

"I don't know. It just never really mattered. I just never really mattered." Lee thinks about the drowning man who works nights and comes home once a week if he's lucky, and about the spectre in every mirror, and about how he's always tried to keep his mother's dreams alive without letting the face she'd given him consume him. About how he'd always thought his father would be able to look at him if he were something more manly, if he didn't bear the visage of a woman who might as well be dead, if he weren't his mother's child. Then he thinks about Jack, and about how he's everything and so much more. "But you make me feel like I matter. So I thought it might...matter, you know."

He takes a deep breath, air finally rushing into his lungs. Jack's hand is suddenly cupping his own, blistering and burning and so comforting Lee wants to curl into a ball and sob in Jack's arms.

"Thank you for telling me," Jack says. His eyes look like roasted chestnuts, so warm Lee feels the burn like an electric blanket over his slim, shaking shoulders. Something indistinguishable fills them, turning them into pools of eternity that Lee longs to dive into. And he wonders, just wonders, what it would be like if Jack kissed him right now.

He's still wondering as he drives away.

I LOST 2KG LET'S GOOOO no but like legit i thought i lost the ability to lose weight long ago, especially because i was working out and dieting like mad but just kept gaining weight (like i lost about 6kg during Covid but gained it all back with extra T_T)

BUUUT I JUST WEIGHED MYSELF AND FOUND OUT I LOST 2KG!!! i'm approximating i lost in about the past two months or so, because i last weighed myself maybe 1 or 2 months ago? ANYGAYS I LOST IT!!! HEALTHILY!!! WITHOUT EVEN STARVING MYSELF ONCE!!! AND I'M SO HAPPY!!! i'm gonna keep doing what i've been doing, and here's to hoping i can get my weight to below 60kg soon!

sorry updates have been so slow lately! i have my trial exams coming up in about 21 days aaaaaAAAAA. also my beloved English teacher, who's taught me for 5 years and was also the first person to tell me to write a book, just left our school last week. so yeah :,) lots of crying involved, definitely

so what did you think of this chapter? sorry if there's any mistakes, i tried to edit but i'm really tired rn so i might have missed out some stuff :((( feel free to point out any errors you say! and as always, feel free to leave any criticism or thoughts about this chapter!

that's all from me today (long chapter so short a/n lool) take care, stay safe, and ily guys sm <333

xoxo, Alex