Crackler One

"I'M FALLING! HOLY FUCKING SHIT I'M FUCKING FALLING! PLEASE GOD, SATAN, ZEUS, FUCKING JEBUS, SPIDER PIG? WHOEVER THE FUCK IS UP THERE PLEASE DON'T FUCKING LET ME DIEEE! I NEVER GOT TO POUR HOT SAUCE ON MY.... Oh... I'm done falling... Well that was surprisingly... Un... Painful....y....est...."
I looked around. Okay so there is a whole shit load of rocks around me. And water. I'm in front of a giant fucking rock wall. Whoop de fucking doo.
So you know that feeling when you're in the kitchen cooking and you go to take a piss and then suddenly it's like you're falling? Well that falling never stopped. Well I mean it did, just fucking now, but like, dude... I'm on a god damned mountain, the fuck? I wonder if I go to the top of the mountain and masturbate while looking up into the clouds if the gods will be pleased and take me as their concubine.... Whoa... That made me sound like such a power slut... I'm not. Let's be totally clear right now, I am a fifteen year old with an imaginative vocabulary and a sexy imagination. I've got huge tits and an ass like Kim Kardashian and Niki Minage, or whatever the fuck her name is, combined, and I have blonde hair.... Lmfao I'm joking. No I have hazel eyes that look kind of like gold when the light hits them directly, and dark brown hair with lighter brown and even some blonde higlights. I'm skinny, flat chested, and overall I look like an awkward meme gone bad. And now there are people in front of me. Who... Turned... Off...... The..........L I g h t s . . .

~

A whole fucking year laterz....
(Only an hour.)
"What the actual fuck. Look dude, if you're gonna rape me, or like rip my fingers off and shit, can you do that after I eat. Like I'm really fucking hungry right now and I don't wanna be tortured on an empty stomach." Pretty sure that whoever knocked me out and kidnapped me isn't gonna feed me, but I'll be damned if I don't try.
"Can we keep her, Pein-sama?!"
Who the fuck was that, sounded like a fucking asshole. It's probably some brony looking for some MLP to fuck.
"Wait, your name is Pein? Haha holy shit I've been waiting for this my entire life. Okay...
"♪Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
Cuz I'd rather have pain than nothing at aaaaaalllll-" there's a fucking hand on my mouth. I licked it.
"No."
This really fucking hot dude with orange hair and a bunch of piercings said flatly.
"Dude..."
He looked at me.
"What?" He snapped.
"You are really fucking hot... We can totally make that song come true... ;)" I grinned, wiggling my eyebrows and attempting to seduce him with weird awkward movements while bound to a metal chair. He looks kind of disturbed.
"No." He said once again... You guessed it, flatly-.
"Maaaaannn, you suck saggy dragon balls. Imma imagine I'm somewhere better than here surrounded by a harem of sexy dudes who will follow my every order AND DOMINATE THE WORLD! Welp... That escalated quickly. Heh... Seriously though, I wanna be somewhere else so I shall picture it in my mind's eye like the good monk I am." I grinned, closing my eyes and ignoring them. Then the weirdest thing happened. I appeared outside of some giant fucking gates with the kanji for fire on them. Except, I was still in the god damned metal chair, my arms were still bound to the fucking chair, and I landed face down.
"MHUUUUGGHHH!" I screamed.... Well tried screaming, it was muffled by dirt and followed by a shit load of coughing.
~~~~~Later that Night~~~~~
Footsteps. Oh holy shit, thank JEBUS I hear some fucking footsteps. My chair, including me, was lifted off of the ground, and then there was a puff of smoke and we were in an office. You know what, I'm not even phased by this shit anymore.
"YOU COULD HAVE AT LEAST TAKEN ME OUT OF THE FUCKING CHAIR YOU GOD DAMNED ASSHOLE!" I shouted, moving around as much as I could in the chair that was still being held up by some asswipe. Bad idea. I was dropped. On my fucking face...
"I hope Edward scissor hands comes in middle of the night to finger diddle you."
Suddenly I was pulled up. And in front of my chair was an old wooden desk with an even older old man behind it.
"Dude. What the fuck are you, my ancestor? Did I die and now I'm meeting my great greats as punishment. You look older than fucking dirt. Holy shit. How are you even alive? I feel like if I breathe in your direction you'll blow away into ash and all your frail old bones will crumble..." The old man had multiple tick marks by the time I finally decided to trail off and shut the fuck up. There was another guy in here. Multiple of them actually. The one standing next to me, most likely the asshat who dropped me, had silver hair. He obviously uses a shit load of gel because his hair is higher than the empire state building.
Oops did I say that outloud? I now had two glares set on me. Wonder how many more I can get. There are two more guys in this room, one of which is glaring, but not at me, so I think that's his normal look. I wanna make him really glare. He's got a bunch of scars and a bandana.
"You're rockin' the whole trenchcoat thing, Scarface. I gotta get me one o' dose!" I laughed, speaking in a New York accent is fun.
His glare was now directed at me too. Wowza, don't take much to make him mad. Empire state hair guy over their just looks bored now, even his glare was pretty half assed. And now for the other dude. He wore a monkey mask and these weird ass monochromatic government looking ugly ass dull looking clothes. Now that I think about it, compared to my ripped jeans and dick middle finger shirt, everybody here dressed weird. But my shirt, dude it's fucking awesome. So let me explain, it's a hand, with fingers made out of dicks, and the middle finger dick is up. My ripped jeans are black and have skeletal hands gripping my butt. What can I say, I'm fifteen with no parents, watch out people you've got yourselves a badass here.
"Ahem." The old shit bag cleared his throat.
"The fuck do you want oh great ancestor sir?" I asked sarcastically, almost laughing at the face he made.
"What is your name... Child?" He ground out, his eye twitching faster than a teenage boy jerks off.
"My name is Juana Estaban Julio Ricardo Garcia Montoya De La Rosa Ramirez Gutierrez." I said in a dramatic Spanish accent. They looked at me strangely. I stared back.
"You guys suck stanky ass, I was joking. Geez learn how to have some fucking fun. My name is Jo. Short for Jolene but if you fucking call me Jolene I will cut your God damned tongue out and shove it so far up your ass it comes back out your throat." I stared at them with a blank look, showing that I was completely serious. I'll do it. I'll shove their nasty tongues up their hairy asses.
".... Right.... Well.... Jo..... Why were you outside of the gates to Konoha." The oldn' asked. It's short for old man, so it's just oldn'.
"The Kono what now? What the fuck is a Konoha?"

"Konoha. As in konohagakure. A ninja village in the land of fire, one of the five great nations."

"Whoa. Are you the avatar? I'm in the fucking avatar right? Damn Aang, you got old. You look nothing like you did in your younger days. Or are you Zuko? It makes more sense for you to be Zuko since we're in the fire lands or whatever."

"I am none of those people. My name is Hiruzen Sarutobi. I am the hokage, and it's obvious now, that you aren't from these lands. Where exactly did you come from... Jo?"

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