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create a comedy routine + a cover for it

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[ don't read this unless you're Courtney it's really cheesy ]

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Hello everybody!

I'll be starting tonight off with a topic that I'm sure is very familiar to everyone in the audience — Wattpad! After all, that's what you're on right now, and that's what brought you to read this. 

Wattpad's great, it really is, all these amazing writers showcasing their amazing stories to the world, it's wonderful! But weirdly, that's not what you notice first on the site - no, no, what seems to be prevalent is...One Direction fanfiction.

- pause -

Sure, okay, I understand, you're in a fandom. You're obsessed with these vaguely semi-attractive humans. It's only expected of you to write fanfiction.

But why is it so bad?

And how does it garner millions of views?

Speaking of boy bands, the last time I saw one perform was on Britain's Got Talent. We're all fans, right? It's the one show everyone's seen at some point.

Once, a kid came up on it, and he had this weird way of speaking where his b's sounded like v's. It made him sound vaguely Russian, and I kept mentioning it to my friend. Eventually, she got mad, and told me, "If he's got a lisp, soviet!"

- pause -

Kids are weird, aren't they? I used to know a kid that was real imaginative. He thought he was invisible for a month once. Can you picture that? No, you can't. Because he was invisible.

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He walked into a pole once. Said he thought it couldn't see him.

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Seriously though, it got pretty bad. So bad his mother took him to the hospital.

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Unfortunately, the doctor said he couldn't see them.

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He grew out of it, of course. But you know what kids today won't grow out of? Technology. It's so rampant these days. Any question that pops into their head? They Google it. Never figure things out themselves.

Maybe if we told them the brain was an app, they'd use it.

- pause -

It makes me feel so ancient, looking at those toddlers navigating Youtube for a video like a bloodhound on the scent. I'm old enough to remember when emojis were called hieroglyphics.

- pause -

Hey, so — everyone knows that moment, right? When you can't think of any more jokes? When you're about to be late to submit an entry for a contest? When said entry is reALLY bAD and you know it? Well, it's happening right now! No more jokes! We're fresh out of them and time!

Ta-ta!

[ gahhh comedy is the one thing I can't do and that plus no time at all this week didn't make for a conductive situation. I know this isn't on par with my other entries, but hopefully I can catch up soon afterwards ]

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