53 It's over


Dina wasn't listening, but she couldn't avoid overhearing Morrighan's loud complaints.

"It's as if she simply doesn't understand the words! I'm at my wit's end with her!"

"Did you ask her outright?" Leliana inquired in a softer tone.

"Of course I did! I was direct, didn't speak in riddles—even though a prophet ought to understand those too, but no, I thought let's play it straight!"

"And what did she say?"

"Well, that's just it! I couldn't even tell you what she said because I didn't understand! She seemed to agree at first, then suddenly she started talking about something completely different, as she usually does. Right in the middle of this important matter, she just slips in a few sentences about bugs!"

Leliana blinked with pursed lips. "About bugs...?"

"Yes! About what the offspring of a longhorn beetle and a stag beetle might look like! Who on earth cares?!"

"Calm down, Morrighan..."

"How can I calm down? Why should I? You know the saddest thing? I even started wondering if this might actually be some prophecy... Stag beetle...?"

"And what if it is? It could be so mysterious we don't understand it."

"Oh, Leliana, please..." Morrighan cast a reproachful glance at the redheaded girl, then folded her arms dramatically, taking a moment. She continued, now more downcast. "It's not just that we can't get anything out of her, but now we can't even coax a simple yes or no to a straightforward question. It's as if she's not human but some sort of projected, moving image that can accidentally speak, but to no purpose..."

Dina looked up at the sound of voices and played with the thought of Chickweed being pure magic.

"Then it has great power," she murmured into the air softly, thinking of Züiya.

"Who?"

"The person who conjures her here. Then it's a continuous, constantly sustained magic, with who knows how many more such spells out there. Like this house itself. Or the colour of the sky. Or any flower in the forest..."

"What are you talking about?"

Dina shook her head. "Just musing." And she asked herself if such great power could take away the man she loved.

For now, she didn't answer herself.

Throughout the day, she avoided Zevran; she wasn't ready to face him and needed time alone with her thoughts to process them. But then, by late afternoon, a resolution formed within her: she wouldn't give up. She couldn't give up. She wanted to trust, to do what she could, but nothing more than that, waiting meanwhile for Zevran to do what he needed to do. She decided she'd knock on his door that evening. Yes, that's what she'd do—go to his room, snuggle up with him, and they'd talk calmly. Yesterday's argument would be forgotten, as if it hadn't happened.

This gnawing desperation made her feel truly that she already loved him deeply. She wanted to do everything she could for both of them and longed for Zevran to act likewise.

She noticed him looking her way at lunch, but Dina averted her gaze; she still wasn't ready. She quickly stepped away, hearing Zevran's frustrated sigh behind her.

*

There was a knock. Then the door opened cautiously. Soft, airy footsteps.

Zevran groaned, opening his eyes only a sliver. He had finally managed to fall asleep that late afternoon, and now, what was happening again? He murmured grumpily at the visitor.

"Züiya... get out."

He then watched with a furrowed brow as the girl, after closing the door, ran her hand down its surface, from top to handle, then to the bottom.

"What was that?"

"Nothing. Just making sure it's closed. Sometimes the wind blows through the cracks. It's an old house."

Zevran made a face. "Uh-huh, old house, huh?" he muttered. "How many lies do you tell in a day, little Züiya?"

The girl didn't answer, only smiled as she walked over to him and sat on the edge of his bed.

"What did you do to the door, hm?"

"Honestly, nothing. It's just a small convenience spell. Don't worry."

Zevran grabbed her hand, examining both sides, her palm, between her fingers, then tossed it back onto the bed. "So you dabble in spells?"

"Only small, household things like that. Chickweed taught me."

Grumbling, Zevran turned away from her, onto his side. "Get out, Züiya."

But he heard no footsteps. Instead, she lay down beside him on the bed, gently touching his back. He propped himself up with an angry twist.

"Listen, little princess, I asked you for something, hm? Don't pretend you didn't hear." Though Zevran tried to sound threatening, his tone wasn't quite that. He spoke to her as a parent would to a child, a light scolding.

Züiya looked up at him with pleading eyes. "Don't send me away, please..."

Zevran grumbled and jerked his chin towards the door. "You closed that door, right?"

"Yes," she admitted quietly. "Completely."

He didn't pursue the meaning of this but rubbed his eyes, then his forehead and temples. He was exhausted and really didn't feel like arguing with anyone. With a deep, worried sigh, he lay back on the bed.

"My head hurts like hell, Züiya... Are you causing this too?"

"No. Maybe you're just a bit sensitive to magic. It happens sometimes with people more skilled in swordsmanship."

"Oh, really? Don't say...!"

"Yes. If there's too much magic around you, it can affect how you feel."

"Great!" Zevran grumbled. "One more reason to finally leave this place!"

"Don't say that. You'll get used to it."

Züiya stroked his face, and Zevran grabbed her wrist, placing it back beside him. But she behaved like the dragon in Druindar's tales, which grows three heads if one is cut off—she simply moved closer, snuggling into his shoulder.

"Züiyaa...!"

"Please, don't push me away" she whispered in a small, pleading voice. "Let me stay beside you."

"Züiya!"

"I promise I won't do anything wrong. Just let me stay with you please, pretty please. I miss you."

Zevran looked down at the girl lying beside him. Her eyes were closed, her sweet little mouth hung sadly. She was still a child. He couldn't see her as anything else.

"It's been so long since we talked. Back when I still lived with you, we used to chat a lot before bed."

Zevran did not respond, but he recalled the day when, in the quiet of the little upstairs room, with only the hum of flies in the evening air, they first tried to establish some kind of evening routine. Back then, Zevran had lit a fire in the fireplace, warmed water for the little girl, then stretched a wire across one corner and threaded a thick cloth over it: that became her makeshift bathroom. He remembered the little girl's wide eyes, the look she gave him after he had sent her to wash herself.

"Alone...?"

"Of course, I can't help with that."

"My parents always helped me."

"That may be so, but I can't. From now on, you'll have to learn to wash yourself, I'm afraid."

Later, the little girl used Zevran's chest as a pillow, resting not only her face but both her arms on him as well, while he stayed alert, watching her tiny fingers and her face as she slept. He couldn't even imagine how anyone could have such small fingers, and the thought that this tiny being was living with him, depending on him, seemed impossible. In the dark, he promised her that he would do everything to ensure she had a good life. He twirled a strand of her brown hair around his finger as he whispered to her, "I'm sorry."

He glanced once more at the girl lying beside him. Inside, a voice secretly began accusing him; he knew that Dina wouldn't be pleased if she saw them like this. Yes, he was indeed struggling to say no to Züiya. He loved this little girl.

But at the same time, he saw his own situation as unjust. He was sure that the world would never have thought him capable of staying loyal to just one woman, and now that he had tried, he was failing for a reason he hadn't even committed... Something inside him resisted, something cried out, no, this is unfair, this is why he wouldn't do it, he wouldn't send Züiya away. He could keep himself in check, why would he cause her pain unnecessarily when this little girl had already suffered so much?

And there was Dina. Dina and him. If things stayed this way, Züiya would slowly drive a wedge between them. Dina had been right. Züiya did have power over them. To hell with this whole damn situation!

And of course, there was a deep sense of disappointment. Dina no longer believes in me... That was the bitterest part of it all. Bitter and endlessly unjust. Since Zevran had met Dina, he had lived a different kind of life. Ever since bringing her from Sylvaron, he hadn't even tried to pursue another woman. Perhaps someone from the other side would have reacted to this with an outraged, "Well, of course!" But Zevran knew himself well enough to know that this wasn't at all as natural for him. Damn, this was a huge sacrifice! But no one would appreciate him for it. He would get nothing for it. Because Dina no longer believed in him.

"Are you tense?" Züiya looked up at him.

"No. You know what, little one? Let's talk for a while. Say something, I'll listen. Anything, just talk."

Anything to take his mind off things.

"So, can I stay here with you then?" she asked.

"You can."

Züiya giggled happily and snuggled closer to him. Zevran thought for a moment about whether to do it... then eventually, he wrapped his arm around her shoulders and patted her, just like he had when she was a little girl.

"Did you get my blessing?"

"Yes, but I can't read it."

"It's okay, I'll read it to you if you want. It's in the ancient elf language."

"And what's in it?"

"Well, all kinds of good wishes. What you should expect in a blessing. I worked really hard on it, you know. With the letter burning, and the carving. It was tough, I got blisters on my hands."

"Why did you bother with it so much?"

The girl looked up at him. "For you! After all... Zevran..." Züiya closed her eyes and buried her face in his shoulder. "...You're all I have. I have no one else but you."

Zevran didn't respond. He knew exactly what it felt like to be orphaned.

"I thought you and I would stay together forever, and we'd live out our lives in that little attic room. Why did I have to go to the orphanage?"

The man looked at her with concern. "You didn't feel at home there?"

"I did. I liked it there. But I would have preferred to stay with you."

Zevran hummed and gently stroked her shoulder. "You didn't seem like it. When I brought you there, you immediately ran away from me and joined the other kids to play. By the time I left, you had already made friends."

Züiya sighed. "Yes, I liked the kids there, and the nurses were kind. And they cooked better than you."

Zevran smiled quietly. "Thanks..."

"But... I still missed you. I always waited for you to come visit, but you came so rarely. And then you'd leave, and I'd just wait for you, wait for you again... You never took me with you. Why did you leave me there?"

The man looked down at her, guilt in his eyes. "I thought good people would adopt you. With me, all you would have seen were bloody scenes, but you needed a real family— a father, a mother, siblings, and a dog... I couldn't offer you any of that."

"Well, I never got a dog. Or a family. In the end, I only ended up with you. We should never have been separated."

Züiya looked up at Zevran, their eyes meeting.

"You were an orphan too, weren't you?"

Zevran nodded. "I definitely wanted to protect you from that kind of troubled childhood I had. But if you had stayed with me, Züiya... I couldn't have protected you." He looked at her sweet face for a while. "You really feel like my daughter. If I've ever wronged you... forgive me."

"Then never leave me again! Stay with me forever," Züiya clung to him, but Zevran couldn't answer anymore. The girl continued to hold on.

"Züiya, look, I have to balance my life with yours, but it won't work unless you cooperate. I love Dina, and I want to marry her. There will be times when I need to fight, or take a mission with Morrighan, or perhaps accept an assassination contract. You can't be with me then. I want there to be space for you in my life, but please, I'm asking you, don't try to push everything else out of it."

Züiya looked up at him, a slight pout on her face. She grabbed his shirt.

"I need you, Zevran. I only need you, you're all I want, and I don't want anything else. I need you completely, always...!"

"Züiya, I can't be everything to you. I can be your stepfather, and I'll fulfil that role with all my heart, but you can't ask for anything else from me."

"I need all of you." The girl tightened her grip, pulling herself closer to Zevran's neck. "You're my father, my friend, my lover, you're everything to me!"

Zevran felt her lips on his neck. In a flash, he sat up and angrily raised his finger. "Stop!"

Züiya followed, quickly wrapping her arms around him, whispering in his ear. "Don't push me away, Zevran..."

The man did tried to push her back gently, but Züiya wouldn't let go, instead pulling herself even closer, her arms tightly wrapped around his neck. "Please..."

Zevran shrugged off her arms and looked her in the eye. "Listen, Züiya. I had a father who did this to me! Don't ask me to be like him!"

"Zevran!" The girl acted without waiting, kissing him without a question. Zevran pushed her away with increasing force, pulling his head back to avoid the kiss.

"Züiya, for the love of the gods! Stop!" Then, all of a sudden, he realised the girl was straddling him, her hand already fumbling with his belt buckle...

From that moment on, Zevran didn't care how gentle he would be. He pushed her hard, leapt out of bed. "That's enough! Realise that you're crossing a line!"

Züiya lay back on the blanket with her knees pulled up, in the position Zevran had pushed her into, panting as she stared at him. Slowly, she kneeled and kept eye contact with him as she undid the top button of her blouse.

"Please don't turn me away...! I give myself to you completely. I'm yours."

Zevran turned his gaze away, because Züiya was now half-naked. "For god's sake, put something on!" He grabbed the blouse she had discarded, intending to cover her with it, but she grabbed his hand and pulled it closer.

"Please..."

"Züiya, get dressed right now and get out of here! Leave, little girl, that's enough!"

"I want you, Zevran!"

"Finally realise that it's not just about what you want!" the man yelled at her, pulling her up from the bed and shoving the half-naked girl towards the exit. She didn't want to go, still trying to embrace Zevran. But he was clearly in control, and from that point on, he didn't let her.

Then something happened. Noises. Someone was speaking. The voice came directly from behind the door. A desperate voice.

"Please, open the door... I've been knocking for so long! I can hear you, I can hear that you're in there, why aren't you opening the door...?"

It was Dina.

"Knocking for so long...?" Zevran repeated to himself, shooting a murderous look at the girl. "What have you done to the door, Züiya?! I didn't hear any knocking, what have you done with it, huh?!"

The girl's eyes narrowed painfully when she heard Dina. For a few heartbeats, she stood still, clutching her blouse in front of her, then suddenly threw it off and hurried towards the door, bare-breasted.

But Zevran wasn't foolish enough not to know what she was about to do. He grabbed her arm and yanked her back. "No, little girl, you're not going to ruin my life...!" In that instant, he felt a sharp jolt in his arm, and cried out, forced to let go of her. Züiya rushed ahead, and Zevran reached after her...

Züiya quickly ran her hand up the door, yanked it open. Zevran barely caught up, grabbing her by the waist and pulling her back towards him...

Dina stood in the doorway, mouth agape. All she saw was Züiya half-naked, her blouse lying on the floor, with Zevran trying to pull her back, and there was the bed with the tangled blanket...

Dina's breath quickened into shallow gasps. She stood there, frozen, staring at the scene. She watched as Zevran glared at Züiya, shouting, "Why did you do this?"

She wanted to ask Zevran the same question. But she could only stare at him. Then her vision blurred with tears, she spun around, and hurried away.

Zevran followed her.

"Dina!"

Dina ran to her room, grabbed her bag, trembling as she opened it...

"Dina, you're misunderstanding this!"

She didn't respond, couldn't have said anything even if she tried, and didn't look at him—she just packed her things.

Outside in the corridor, Züiya clutched her blouse to her chest, Morrighan and Leliana stared at the half-naked girl in confusion, and they could only hear Zevran shouting Dina's name.

"Heavens, what is going on here...?"

Dina wiped her eyes again and again, pacing the room, collecting her things in trembling hands, while Zevran followed her everywhere, repeating her name. But Dina threw the bag over her shoulder and hurried down the corridor.

"Dina, stop, please!"

Zevran caught up with her at the ground floor, leaping in front of her, but Dina dodged past him.

On the stairs, Morrighan and Leliana caught up too. Dina wiped her tears and turned to them.

"I'm sorry, I can't stay any longer," she said in a trembling voice. "I'm sorry this is so sudden, but... It's been a pleasure meeting you."

"No, no, you can't be serious!" Zevran shouted, but Dina acted as though she hadn't heard him, only looking at the two women, who exchanged wary glances.

Finally, Dina awkwardly nodded at them, said goodbye, and hurried toward the exit.

"Dinaaa!"

She threw the door open and ran into the cool, purple light.

"Dina, stop, at least hear me out!"

Zevran managed to grab her arm, but she jerked it away in irritation and kept running.

"Dina! Dina, where are you going? Stop, please! Just stop!"

She ran even faster.

Zevran decided not to beg anymore. He caught up with her again, running ahead, grabbing her by both shoulders, and stopped her. Dina immediately looked away.

"Don't think I'll let you go..." Zevran's voice was more pleading than threatening.

"But I do ask you to let me go." Dina's voice, however, was hard.

"Please, listen to me!"

"Let me go, Zevran!"

His fingers slid from her arm.

"Züiya must have used some magic on the door, I didn't even hear your knocking...!"

"Züiya wasn't wearing her top..."

"No, she wasn't wearing it, because she took it off, I didn't take it off her, she did. But when she moved towards me, I swear to you, Dina, I rejected her! Dina! Dina, please..." He had to run after her again. "Where do you want to go?"

She didn't answer. She felt it didn't matter, as long as she could leave. But she stopped, waiting for her eyes to fill with tears.

"Dina, do you believe me? Nothing happened between us, please, don't leave, stop, let's talk about it! You believe me, right? Right?"

Dina looked up at Zevran's desperate eyes for the first time. She wiped her tears away and hardened her face. "I believe you."

Zevran's shoulders sagged in relief, but Dina continued.

"But it doesn't matter."

"What do you mean, it doesn't matter?"

"It doesn't matter whether it happened the way you said or not."

"What...?"

"It just doesn't matter," she repeated.

Zevran looked at her in confusion.

"It doesn't matter whether you love me or I love you. I love you. But even this doesn't matter anymore."

"What do you mean, Dina?!"

The girl shrugged. "It just doesn't."

Zevran clearly didn't understand.

"When I first met you..." She smiled slightly. "...I saw a handsome, funny man. One who was kind to me, and offered me his bed, put in the effort to keep me from the horrors of being a courtesan. This man taught me... and I grew to love him. Then I waited for him. Every night I stood by my window in Sylvaron, waiting for him to come and save me, for him to come for me, for him to love me. And this man came for me. And I was happy. So, so happy."

Tears welled up in Dina's eyes again, but she wiped them away and kept going.

"When you said I could be your wife, I almost immediately said yes. But I wanted to get to know you first. I wanted to know who you were before I fell completely in love with you. — A little self-mockingly — Well, that last part worked. Because I watched you, measured you, valued every small gesture of yours and every bigger decision, and after each one, I said, yes, he is the one. He is who I need. He's right for me. And every time, I gave you my heart. I wanted to be yours. But..."

She swallowed hard.

"...I think that in this last trial, you failed. And that's the one thing that matters."

Zevran's eyes tightened. Perhaps his heart did as well.

"I'm sorry, Zevran."

"You're sorry...?"

Dina nodded. "Yes. I was rooting for you. I expected you to make it through this. But you didn't. And now, it really doesn't matter whether we love each other or not."

Zevran honestly didn't know what to say. Would he have told her that he still loved her despite everything? Or would he have said some empty phrase, like "love conquers all" or something...? Inside, a voice shouted at him to play the charmer again, to say one last, clever line to make her laugh, to make her stop and abandon this plan because if he didn't, this woman would walk away...! But the Zevran who could have said such things didn't love; he only played. The Zevran before her now was already submerged in the puddle of love, and all he could manage to say was:

"Don't go, Dina. Don't leave me."

Weak words, neither witty nor overwhelming, but true. He took her hand.

At that moment, Morrighan and Leliana arrived. The red-haired girl spoke excitedly.

"You talked it through, right...? You're staying, Dina?"

Dina merely glanced at them, then lowered her head.

Morrighan stepped forward. "No matter what you decide... it's not our business. But you were part of the team, even if only for a short time. And if you really want to go, I don't want you to get into trouble. This is your share of the group funds."

She handed Dina a small pouch. Dina simply took it with a quiet "Thank you."

"What are you going to do, Dina? What will you do when your money runs out?!" Zevran's desperate shout.

The girl shook her head. "I don't know. But I can't stay. It's over, Zevran."

The man closed his eyes and turned his jaw aside. Dina slowly turned, pulling her fingers out of his.

Zevran stared at their hands as they parted.

And Dina walked away.

She covered her eyes, knowing that her shoulders were shaking from sobs, and that everyone could see it, but she kept walking. Her legs felt as though they were made of lead, but she lifted them. She recalled Zevran's words, how he had called her emotionally crippled, clumsy, an idiot back in Sylvaron. And then the way he had begged her to overlook her awkwardness, her clumsiness, and just teach him how to walk...

The tears choked her. It wasn't only Zevran who had failed, she knew that well. She had failed too, they both had. She couldn't be accepting, open now, she couldn't love. And it hurt, something terribly painful to experience both Zevran's and her own smallness, clumsiness, fragility.

For the umpteenth time, she wiped her eyes, trying to see the tree. The purple light danced, rejoiced around her, the air sparkled, and the sunlight played with the riot of colours. She, however, simply opened the tree's door and stepped into the darkness, sobbing.


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