She repeated the words to herself over and over again. At first, she felt like she was cutting her heart out with a blunt object every time she did. As the days went by, the pain numbed and soon she was repeating the words automatically as soon as any thought of the spirit world popped into her head. The dreams never went away, even though she told everyone they had. She also became an expert at tonguing her meds. The most effective method was to let the pills melt in her cheeks and then spit them into a glass of juice or a cup of tea (it could be noticed in water.) Soon she was taking none of the pills, even though everyone remarked on the good they were doing her. Six months later her Father declared it was the best thing they had ever done, and they should have started her on them years ago. It hurt when they said things like that.

Looking back now Chihiro realised that part of the girl she had died that day in the therapist's office. Not taking her medication had been the only act of defiance she had left. So she had become a brilliant actress, happy and cheerful on the outside, screaming on the inside. The years went by; she stopped therapy at 14 and threw herself into her schoolwork. At 19 she was offered a university place. By this point, the screaming had stopped, and inside was such a gaping hole that she was afraid to look into it. Sometimes the emptiness ached so much the pain was physical and she would put her hand to her chest as if she could not breathe.

She had been offered a science place, but soon changed it to...

"World mythology?" Her Mother had cried down the phone. "What sort of degree is that?" Maybe it was another act of defiance; but last year she had changed her subject, only telling her parents after she had done it.

"It's what I want to do," she kept repeating that sentence to her parents almost as much as she said the magic words to herself. Finally, they got the message and things had been fine, just fine, until she had thought of him again.

Now in bed at four in the morning, she whispered

"I miss you, even now I want to go home." That night she did not dream.

Linca caught up with her at lunchtime.

"So Davis finally drove you to..." She looked at Chihiro's tray, "chocolate pudding? A novel addiction." Chihiro laughed. Linca was Russian and was studying engineering. She was short and stocky with wide blue eyes, blond hair and she always smiling. She had introduced Chihiro to vodka, something she was eternally grateful for. Linca eased herself back on her chair.

"I should have got more sleep last night," she yawned. "Do you mind if I come to another one of your lectures? I could use the rest, I find your subject so relaxing!" She and Chihiro grinned impishly.

"As I do yours," Chihiro smiled back at her. "That lecture last week on graphic calculus was the perfect lullaby." The girls giggled together.

"Well I say; you are in a good mood. There must be a man involved. Let me guess." She tapped her finger to her lips as if thinking, "It's that Scottish guy, the one with the luminous orange hair; yes he's your type. Do you know Scottish men wear kilts on special occasions? I tell you men in skirts are cute."

"Yuck", Chihiro shook her head at the thought.

"Seriously I've seen them on TV, they look so macho and you can see the dimples in their knees." Linca giggled again, Chihiro kicked her in the shin as a warning that the object of the conversation approached. "Oww!" Linca wailed dramatically and then swore. An evil grin crept across her pretty face as, she rubbed her leg.

"Scott!" she called out in English, "won't you join us?"

"Now you're just showing off," muttered Chihiro.

"I'm on a mission dear," she declared. "You need a man, and I'm about to provide a harmless one for you to cut your teeth on."

"Linca!" Chihiro hissed, but then shut up as Scott sat beside her.

"Hello you two," he said smiling disarmingly. "I hope I'm not disturbing you, it seemed as if you were having an interesting conversation."

"No, No," Said Linca. "We were just comparing notes on our most boring subjects."

They chatted happily together, and Chihiro added a few sentences here and there. It was all nice and friendly until...

"The ball? Oh yes! Of course, I'll be going." exclaimed Linca "The overseas students union ball is the best of the year, everyone wants an invite."

"Will you be going Chihiro?" asked Scott, his blue eyes intense.

"Oh no, I'm strictly local; no invite for me." She saw Linca smile a smug smile of victory.

"Well in that case," said Scott carefully. "I'm going alone at the moment; you could come as my partner." Chihiro could not help blushing.

"I really don't think so... I have so much work to do at the moment."

"Oh come on Chi," whined Linca, the girl fully realised that by shortening Chihiro's name she was actually calling her "Blood." But it was a habit she could not seem to get out of and Chihiro did not seem to mind. "It will be fun," Linca continued. "Besides, you never go out. Scott's being a perfect gentleman and aiding a damsel in distress, now say yes and have some enjoyment in your life for once."

"I..." Chihiro stammered again, she hated being put on the spot like this. She had to get back in control. She looked at Scott, his big blue eyes were eager and his pale lightly freckled face looked so open and honest.

"I would love to go," she said quietly. "I'd be honoured, thank you."

"Honoured?" Said Scott. "Well, I don't know about that. You have not seen me dance yet."

They continued to chat together until Scott looked at his watch.

"Oh, hell! I must be off, tutorial in ten minutes," he turned to Chihiro. "So I'll pick you up at around 8 on Saturday?"

"Sure," she said with a forced smile. Scott left the table and walked away. "Linca you nasty little sneak!" Chihiro hissed.

"Well if nothing else we can get you out of those jeans and into a dress for once. It's so nice when men forget how to talk and get all shy when they look at you all cleaned up." Chihiro stood.

"Do me a favour Linca, don't help me." She made to walk away, but Linca caught her hand.

"O God Chi I'm sorry! I thought you'd be pleased. A night out with a nice guy, what's wrong with that?" Chihiro bit her lip.

"It's just that I don't date," she mumbled.

"I know that," laughed Linca. "But you're a little shy that's all." Chihiro shook her head, brown eyes serious.

"No, I don't date ever," Linca's eyes widened.

"You mean you've never been on a date, ever?" Chihiro nodded.

"Why? I mean look at you, you're gorgeous, it's not as if you've never had offers I'm sure." Chihiro sat again.

"It's just that...well its complicated...err."

"Go on," said Linca encouragingly.

"I had a few problems in my teens," Chihiro sighed. "A lot of problems... everyone in my town knew, so offers never came my way until I was seventeen..." She was struggling. Why was this so hard to admit to? It was just Linca. "Anyway by that point things where just starting to go right in my life, I saw no point complicating it with a boyfriend and I guess I've got used to my own company."

"And you are still holding out hope that a certain dragon will take you from here and rescue you from your loneliness..." She forced that nasty little voice in her head down, it always popped up when she was feeling vulnerable. She mumbled the magic words under her breath.

"What?" asked Linca.

"Nothing, I know this all probably makes no sense to you."

"No," said Linca seriously, her blue eyes full of concern. "It makes perfect sense, you're afraid you've been afraid for a long time. So long, in fact, you've opted out of life to protect yourself." Chihiro had never heard a more accurate estimation of how she felt. She gave a little sob.

"Oh Chi no," whispered Linca and took hold of her friends' hands across the table. "It's okay, but I think its time you started being an active member of the human race again. I think you've wanted to do that for a long time." Chihiro nodded it was true. "Well then your education starts here," declared Linca. "We shall go to town Saturday morning and get every conceivable beauty therapy practised on us. Then we shall choose a gorgeous dress to show off that wonderful figure. Then we will come back and get ready. Then we shall go to the ball Cinderella, with a true prince charming, and have a wonderful time."

"What if it all goes wrong," muttered Chihiro. "What if I have a terrible time?"

"In that case, you dump flaming locks and I'll dump Hans of Fritz or whatever that Germans guys name is. We shall go home, listen to bad love songs, and drink Vodka until we collapse."

"Sounds like a plan," smiled Chihiro weakly. Linca got up.

"It's all set then." She laughed and then the smile faded. "Chihiro, I hope you don't mind me telling you this but... My Granny used to say something to me when I was younger and a bit of a daydreamer. "The price of dreaming is life." I guess what I'm trying to say is that... I think you've been so wrapped up in your own little world you've forgotten about the real one. Dreams have a tendency to shatter Chihiro, if you don't act now what will you be left with?"

"Thank you Linca," whispered Chihiro. Linca smiled, "what are friends for?" she said and she left Chihiro with much to think on.

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