Dwayne Buenavides's Pov:

Trigger warning! Mention of abortion.

Growing up i had a lot of lost competitions with my siblings, what can i do? They're always the best at their own game.

Ate Daisy and kuya Dean is really good at academic making our parents super proud of their smartness. Nag papataasan pa sila ng grades, Kuya drevy is good at soccer also making our parents proud, while i suck at everything i do in life.

I tried everything to please them, but i failed. I just disappoint them in every extra effort i did.

I groaned when i hear Arish's small voice, maliit na nga lang boses niya pero napaka ingay niya "Dwayne!" Marahas niyang katok sa gate namin.

Bumaba ako pinag buksan siya ng pinto "I bought you some chocolate and siomai, let's eat?" ngiti niya saakin at hinila ang braso ko papasok sa bahay namin.

I was quiet while eating the siomai napansin niya yun "Why are you extra quiet today?" I was trying to contain my tears nahalata niya yun kaya hinaplos niya ang braso ko, one touch from her made me feel safe. That's where my tears started rolling down my cheek, sunod sunod yun, hindi ko ma-control.

Agad naman siyang tumayo at niyakap ako.

"I'm never going to be enough for them" bulong ko, she hugged me tighter "Tell me, I'll listen" she pulled her chair and placed it infront of me, she held my hand and looked deep into my eyes.

The comfort that i felt in her presence made my cold heart melt. I told her everything, she just sat there and listened without a single judgement.

"Ok lang naman kahit wala kang talent dwayne, you did your best in everything and I'm so proud of you for trying" sabi ni Arish at niyakap ako, napaka kulit ng batang to, but she did help me a lot.

She made me feel that I'm not alone in this cruel world.

I tried so hard to find my talent, it took me a lot of trial and errors in a lot of activities, that's when i found out about e guitars, i tried my very best para matuto nun dahil iniisip nila na sinasayang ko lang ang pera nila dahil sa tinatawag nilang "bagong larong" nakita ko.

Nung natuto ako mag e guitar na sabi ko sa sarili ko na hindi to laro saakin. This is not just a hobby.

Playing guitar became my passion.

No one from my family supported me, but there is Arish. No matter how many sports i suck at she's still so proud of me.

"That's ok, Dwayne! It's just a stupid game anyway!" she said as she hugged me tight, i was really disappointed with myself, but here she is lighting up my mood.

She's been my support system all these years, if i feel down by my parents and siblings, she's always right there ready to listen and wipe my tears. I became dependent on her because she is all that i have.

Nakita niya na lahat sa buhay ko dahil mag kasama na kami sa araw araw.

Every song that i play, she listens. She's there to witness my performances, she supports every contest i join.

But we changed drastically when i caught feelings for Hanna. Ramdam ko na mahal niya ako more than friends hindi ko pinansin yun dahil ayaw kong masira ang friendship namin na binuo namin ng sobrang tagal.

But the friendship i protected was quickly ruined when she confessed her real feelings. I vividly remember how she cried because of my words, i know that i hurt her, but i couldn't take seeing her hoping and begging for my love.

Kasalanan ko kasi i couldn't love her back the way she wanted, back then. I just see her as my best friend.

Distancing from her was a dirty move even myself knew it, pero i just couldn't let her be friends with me knowing that she loves me.

I don't want to hurt her more.

Iniwasan ko siya and pursued Hanna maybe she'll finally lose feelings for me pag nakita niya na may someone na ako, then we can go back go normal.

I was wrong dahil nakikita ko siyang nasasaktan pag nakikita niya kaming dalawa.

Being with Hanna was both Happy and Toxic, she was really controlling at the beginning of our relationship.

Kinuha niya lahat ng socmed accounts ko, limit din ang pag kausap ko sa ibang babae dahil ayaw niya na may ibang nakausap saakin.

I indeed love her so much na kahit toxic na siya i still coped with it.

Muntik pa kami mag hiwalay nung nalaman niya yung saamin ni Arish.

"Tell me! Gusto mo ba yang best friend mo!?" Sigaw niya saakin at pinunit yung polaroid picture namin ni Arish. Kahit hindi lang naman kami ni Arish yung may polaroid picture dun sa box, meron din pictures nila Gab, Jay and Kean.

Huminga ako ng malalim at niyakap siya "I'm sorry" pag suko ko dahil ayaw ko na pahabain pa ang argumento namin dahil pagod na ako.

Nag karoon ng battle of the band sa school at si Arish at ssc ang nag ayos nun.

Seeing her with that president guy pissed me.

Kahit na sinusuportahan ako ni Hanna, presenya at supporta niya pa din hinahanap hanap ko.

Watching her while i play inspired me to really practice well "Inspired na inspired porket laging nanonood si Arish" pang aasar ni kean making me glare, napaka papansin nito nakakainis!

Hanna came with some Starbucks, i love matcha dahil gusto yun ni Arish at nasarapan din ako. But hanna kept getting me strawberry frappe kahit na sinasabi ko sakanya na hate na hate ko ang strawberry.

Pag alis ni Hanna ay agad kong binigay yun kay Jay "Bigay sayo ng bebe mo yan bibigay mo saakin!?" singhal niya pero kinuha ko ang kamay niya at sapilitang binigay yun sakanya.

"She knows that i hate strawberry, but she keeps insisting" pag rereklamo ko "Kawawa ka naman, you're being controlled by your bebe" i sighed.

"Ayaw mo sa strawberry pero condom na flavor strawberry go na go ka!" Sigaw ni kean kaya natawa ako dahil napaka tarantado talaga ng taong to.

Nag punta si Hanna sa bahay namin para sabihin saakin ng personal na aalis na siya dahil pupurse niya ang pag aaral sa ibang bansa, i was really hurt dahil siya nalang ang meron ako dahil galit ang pamilya ko saakin ngayon dahil hindi ako sumama sakanila sa ibang bansa.

She spilled the coffee on her self kaya napag pasyahan niya na makiligo nalang muna, after her ay sumununod na din ako.

May kumatok sa pinto at binuksan niya to my surprise it was Arish, di siya makatingin sa mata ko. She definitely got the wrong idea.

Inabot niya saakin and papers na pinapaabot sakanya nung teacher at agad nang umalis.

When Hanna left i was really lonely lalo na at battle of the bands na namin. I thought no one would support me, but there is Arish again.

I was looking at her while performing, she just brings out the best in me.

But then again, she was just supporting in from a far.

Nung nanalo kami i wanted to show her, pero umuwi na daw siya. I was disappointed dahil gusto kong makita niya na nanalo kami.

Thankful ako sakanya dahil siya ang nag encourage at nag bantay saamin through out our practice days.

Excited akong tumawag kila mommy para ibalita na nanalo ako.

[ Natuwa ako Dwayne, but that's not enough to get you a life, anak. Look at your ate and kuyas ] my heart clenched as i hear her compare me to them. I knew it kahit na ginawa ko na ang best ko, di pa din enough para sakanila yun.

I'm tired, i feel alone and my only escape from this brutal reality is Arish.

Sobra ang tuwa ko nung pumunta ako sakanila at welcome pa din ako.

"Congrats Dwayne you won, I'm so proud of you" mahina ang sabi niya at niyakap ako ng mahigpit, this is what I'm waiting for.

Yung ma-appreciate ako sa pinag hirapan ko, saying words like this wouldn't hurt anyone. I felt special the night i kissed her, she made feel things that i haven't felt before, but i knew to myself that I'm not ready for a relationship.

She's my first time and I'm her first time, we were lost at our own world without a label, i knew it was really unfair, i just couldn't tell if I'm ready to be in a relationship with her or not.

I was shook to my senses when i almost lost her because of Dynna. Sinusubukan kong iplease ang mga magulang ko kaya nasabi ko na close kami ni dynna.

They got the wrong idea kaya sinakyan ko nalang din, para kahit once lang maging proud naman sila saakin.

Dynna quickly caught feelings for me, but i shrugged it. I wasn't courting her, she got the wrong idea dahil sa actions ko. My actions towards her is just basic human decency, she just got the wrong idea dahil gusto niya ako.

Seeing Arish in pain made me vulnerable, ayokong nasasaktan siya, i hate seeing her cry because of me.

That's the time where i decided to cut the bullshits on my plan to try and please my parents crap because no matter what i do, i will never make them proud, so I'll live my life the way i wanted.

We were so happy and contented with what we have, we're so excited to graduate. We even plan our future together.

Tragedy came when Hanna reached out to me in the middle of the night on a random Tuesday.

I wish i didn't answer the call dahil alam kong titibok nanaman sakanya yung puso ko pag nakausap ko pa siya.

She said she was sorry, that she shouldn't have left, na dapat bumalik siya agad para saakin.

I hate how my heart beat was rapid just hearing her voice again. I knew what i felt right now is huge betrayal to Arish.

Na surprise ako nung nakita ko si Hanna na nasa campus ko, I'll be a hypocrite pag sinabi ko na hindi ako masaya, seeing her, awaken my love for her. Can you blame me? She was my first love.

Her warmth was some how familiar when she hugged me, though it was a different feeling, really different.

When i got home, i felt really guilty that i couldn't bare to show my face to Arish dahil alam ko na mali ang ginawa ko.

The night that i got home was also the night my whole world changed. She confronted about what she saw earlier, i hate seeing her cry, but i was really guilty because of what happened earlier.

I made her cry one, two? Many times. And i know she made the best decision when she decided to choose herself.

Graduation came and i was really happy to see her graduate, i secretly took a photo of her. I'm so proud of her, kung saan man siya dalahin ng pangarap niya I'll support her from afar.

After the graduation ay bumuo na agad kami ng banda nila Gab.

"Inom tayo" Aya ko sakanila pag tapos namin mag practice "Tara tol!" Sabi ni Jay at nag iyak iyakan.

Nagkibit balikat si Gabriel "Negats pre, may pupuntahan pa ako" sabi ni kean habang nag ce-cellphone.

"Sino nanaman yang kinakalantari mo!?" Pang aasar ni Jay kaya natawa kami "Namo! Iniwan ka lang eh" sabi niya at kinuha na ang gamit niya atska umalis.

Napag desisyunan namin na sa condo ko nalang uminom. Tumba na agad si Jay nakaka apat na baso palang ng red label na may coke.

Tumawa ako at sumandal "Miss mo ba?" Tanong saakin ni Gabriel kaya tumango ako "Di niya deserve masaktan dahil saakin, pre" he nodded at binigyan ako ng basong puno.

"Tarantado ang taas naman eh!" Tumawa siya at sinalinan ang baso niya "Sorry pre bumuhos"

"Kidding aside, i assure you na she's doing great right now" sabi niya at nilabas ang cellphone at pinakita ang private twitter ni Arish.

Agad ko naman kinuha yun at tinignan, she's been doing great since she started modeling, gusto niya lang talaga ng degree kaya siya nag nursing.

"Dahan dahan, mamaya maka pindot ka. Twitter ni ineish yan" pagak siyang tumawa "Ano na ba kayo ni ineish?" Curious kong tanong dahil they've been caught together too many times.

"Masaya" humalakhak ako at binatukan siya "Learn from me Gabriel. Wag ka nang tumulad saakin"

I smiled sadly remembering her "Kamusta siya?" Nginitian ako ni Gabriel at tumango, that's all i want to know. I want her to win in life, i want her to be happy.

Our first album came out and earned us a big crowd kaya naman napag desisyunan ko na mag sulat ng kanta para kay Arish.

She deserves to have a whole album dedicated to her.

Habang nag susulat ako, Hanna kept telling me to give up my Band career dahil wala naman daw mapupuntahan ang pagiging public role ko.

She's here degrading the career and talent that i worked hard for. She threatened that she would break up with me kapag di ako tumigil. I begged her to support me, but all she did was walk away from me.

I was wasted in a broad day light because i was questioning the decisions i made in my life.

"Ano Dwayne!? Bubuwagin mo ang Hectic para lang sakanya!?" Bulyaw sakin ni Gabriel.

"Mas mabuti pang iwanan mo nalang siya! Di siya nakakabuti para sayo pre" sabi kean at inabutan ako ng t-shirt, "Namiss ko na yung dating ikaw dwayne" sabi ni Jay at umupo sa tabi ko.

Namimiss ko na din yung dating Dwayne.

I decided to listen to them at nag record na ng new album na Ai

It stands for, Arish ilove. Kaming hectic lang nakaka alam nun dahil never namin sasabihin ang meaning ng Ai sa public. Lalo na malaking public figure din si Arish.

Applaud my love
Radiant heart
Idealistic one
Secure me
Heavenly

I intentionally spelled her name and dedicated the whole album to her, so i could express what I didn't get to express when we're still together.

While filming the music video I can't help, but to remember her kaya tinanong ko si Gabriel pag tapos ng practice namin.

"Ok lang ba si Arish?" Tumango siya at nag pakita pictures ni Arish living her best life as a model, tumango ako sakanya at ngumiti, kahit sa ganito lang ok na ako.

When i saw her again i felt alive, spending some time with her made me lose my breath on how close we were in the same room.

Watching her live her life to fullest, feels nice to me because i did the right decision in getting her off my hook because she was also hurting. I feel like i uncaged a bird that's trap and just wanted to fly free.

I wanted to ask her personally how she's been for the last two years, but i was too shy to ask her. Mag s-stay pa sana ako sa blue bay nun kaso tumawag si ate na kailangan niya ako.

The day of our performance in the fiesta came, seeing her watching us play brings me back to our old happy days.

It felt surreal, it felt so nice to have her watch us play again. I'm inspired to sing the song i wrote for her.

"Galing niyo congrats!" She said cheerfully, i indeed miss her saying that.

She's the type of girl that's very appreciative, no matter how big or small it is.

I was about to talk to Arish personally when Hanna messaged me.

Hanna

I might be pregnant, if i am I'm aborting it.

Let's break up.

Hindi niya man lang niya ako tatanungin kung gusto ko ba sa bata dahil dugo't laman ko yun. Hindi pa nga siya sigurado she's already considering termination.

I immediately burst out at pinuntahan si Hanna sa apartment niya pero wala siya dun. I tried calling her a million times pero hindi siya nasagot.

Fuck, I can't let her abort my child! But before that i really want to talk to Arish. I want to apologize and explain.

Thank goodness dahil pumayag siya na makipag usap saakin.

I really did hurt her, she was crying while expressing what she really felt. It was my fault for making her feel that i love her half, it's my fault because i don't even know how to love myself so I didn't know how to love her, the love that she deserves.

A week after that nalaman ko na buntis nga si Hanna at she already made up her mind in terminating the pregnancy.

I was breaking down in my room nung tinawagan ko si ate daisy, she was so pissed at hindi alam kung paano ako ihandle dahil buntis din siya.

Na surprise nalang ako ng pumasok sa kwarto si Arish.

We talked about my problem and also our past. She decided to forgive me and just continue walking in the present instead of looking back.

I was wreck when i saw my seven month old baby, he was so small, barely breathing.

Guess who stayed by my side, Arish.

She was there when i texted her when Hanna decided to terminate the pregnancy using a licensed doctor by pretending that she's just laboring when in fact she drank misoprostol.

My whole world crumbled seeing my son in pain. I decided to name him Aiden Rin sunod sa pangalan ni Arish, i want to name him after her because she was once my world and i want to keep a close memory of her kahit hindi siya ang mommy ni Rin.

"Angas mo pre! Di ko expected na ikaw unang mag kaka anak!" sangga saakin ni kean "Oo, tarantado! sunod ka na." Takot ko sakanya because he's really scared of commitment kahit may someone siya ngayon.

I thank her a lot for staying by my side through my ups and downs, but what she said stuck me "That's what friends do" I shouldn't feel pain dahil i was the one who kept telling myself na we're just friends when in fact i love her.

Bibili sana ako ng snacks sa cafeteria ng makita ko si Arish with Rin's doctor.

Looking at her with another guy hurt me, but she looks really happy with him and it will be selfish of me kung p-pursue ko pa siya ulit knowing that i impregnated another woman, that's so selfish of me.

I tried pero di na talaga pwede.

Few more days came at naging close sila ng sobrang ni Nico. Even the social media people gathered some photos sa mga pinupuntahan nila.

Seeing those photos broke me, but it's all my fault for taking her for granted.

Ako sana yung kasama niya dun kung hindi ako gago.

Nang makauwi si Rin i invited Arish so can meet my son.

The view of her sleeping while my son is in her chest sleeping as well, melted my heart. Hinayang na hinayang ako dahil ganitong pamilya sana kami.

I can already see that she'll be a good mother.

Tinanong ko siya about kay Nico pero sabi niya di pa siya sure.

"You deserve happiness, arish" yinakap ko siya habang nasa dibdib niya si Rin.

"I won't be selfish, kung saan ka masaya dun ako, i love you so much and I can't see you suffer because of me" sabi ko while smiling sadly as i tuck a piece of her hair behind her ear.

"It's my fault why I can't have you anymore, kung ipu-pursue kita that will be selfish of me. You've been through a lot because of your love for me, so the least i can do is support you with your happiness" i held her hands because this might be the last time I'll be able to hold her hands without feeling sinful.

"I love you so much, Arish. You're my greatest lost love" i said as i kissed her forehead, closing my eyes to let the tears flow.

"I'll be loving you from a far Rish, I'll always be here for you" she stretched her other arm to hug me, she wants to cry pero pinipigilan niya lang.

I looked at her with my teary wet face, kaya naman pinunasan niya ang luha ko "Please in our next life, I'll do my very best para ako naman. I'll look for you in the next life so please choose me when i find you" i said making her cry with me.

I'll always love you Arish and I'm so proud of you because you finally had the Courage to walk away from something that keeps hurting you. I'll always long for you.

Arish is my greatest lost love.

Kung hindi siya, hindi nalang.

Dwayne Buenavides and Arish Ybañez is now signing off.

Till the next Performance.

A/n:

There's still two special chapters!