Characters: Yugoslavia, Croatia, Bosnia, Serbia, Kosovo, Albania, North Macedonia, Montenegro, Slovenia, Greece, Turkey

Albania: Be careful when you cut the onions, they can make you cry
Serbia: NOT IF I MAKE THEM CRY FIRST!
Serbia: *stabs the onion*

~~~

Yugoslavia: if you swear in this house, you have to put a dollar in the swear jar
Montenegro: frick
Serbia: you're on thin fuckin ice
Serbia: oh no

~~~

Croatia: I hate my life
Bosnia: I hate your life too.

~~~

Romania: It's a little dangerous.
Bulgaria: Like "eating sandwiches with toothpicks in it" dangerous?
Romania: Even more dangerous than that.
Bulgaria: Like eating a bomb?
Romania: In between.
Bulgaria: Like eating a firecracker.

~~~

North Macedonia: did you just refer to a knife as a "people opener"?
Serbia: should I not have?

~~~

Yugoslavia: Serbia, apologize to Kosovo.
Serbia, to Kosovo: Unfuck you, i guess

~~~

[if Slovenia tried to leave the balkans]
Slovenia: Once I pair my disguise with my perfect American impression, the illusion will be complete.
Slovenia: Greeting fellow Americans! American fellows!
Slovenia: I sure do like hanging out with other Americans, and talking about things like... money, and starting wars!
Croatia: That's... pretty good actually.
Slovenia: Totally, my good American friend.

~~~

North Macedonia: So now I'm supposed to do anything that Greece does? What if he jumped off a cliff?
Serbia: If Greece were to jump off a cliff, he would have done his due diligence regarding the height of the cliff, the depth of the water, and the angle of entry. So, yes, if you see Greece jump off a cliff, by all means, jump off a cliff.
North Macedonia, angrily: you jump off a cliff.
Serbia: Glady, provided Greece had done so first

~~~

Bulgaria, to Romania: it's like all the Yugoslav countries share one braincell
Slovenia, walking by: *can't come up with a good comeback because it's not his turn to use the braincell*

~~~

Albania: I think Greece has been reading my diary.
Montenegro: How do you know?
Albania: he corrected my spelling.
Greece, from the other room: WELL SOMEONE HAD TO!

~~~

Greece, to Cyprus: Now, you sit tight.
Greece: I'm gonna go murder Turkey, and I'll be right back

~~~

Kosovo: Is everything okay?
Serbia: If by "okay" you mean that my life is a meaningless, black cauldron of swirling failure, then yes, everything is okay.
Kosovo: That is not at all what I meant by okay.

~~~

Romania: I mean, why can't you all just get along?
Serbia: Because we hate each other.
The rest of the Yugoslavs: That's kind of how rivalries work

~~~

[Serbia gets lost at a store]
Serbia: excuse me I got lost can I make an announcement on the intercom?
Store employee: sure!
Serbia: *leans into the mic* good fucking bye you little shits

~~~

Bosnia: Croatia does have a point
Croatia: Don't agree with me. It makes me very uncomfortable

~~~

Bosnia: ...Is that your knife?
Serbia: Yes.
Bosnia: In a tiny bed? Beside your bed?
Serbia: Yes.
Bosnia: That's kinda embarrassing
Serbia: Yes, it is. I must buy my knife a better bed.

~~~

North Macedonia, googling: How to look badass even though you're 4 feet tall and look like you're 12.

~~~

Serbia: Hitting the pillow to release stress is not nearly as effective as hitting the people that caused the stress to begin with.
Kosovo:
Kosovo: *Backs away slowly*

~~~

Serbia: you know what family means to me? Resentment, guilt, anger
Hungary:
Serbia: Easter egg hunts that quickly turn into knife fights

~~~

Greece: When I first met you, I didn't like you.
Turkey: I am aware of that.
Greece: But then you and I had some time together...
Turkey: Uh-huh?
Greece: ...It did not get better.