"I've got a new song," Adam announced when I hopped into the pool that night. I was getting good at sliding right down without feeling like I was going to faint.

        I sat next to him beside the drain. "Let's hear it, then."

        He started the song, bobbing his head to the slow beat. He looked so carefree, like nothing mattered to him but his music. His slender fingers were absentmindedly playing the piano on his thigh as he mouthed along with the words, his eyes closed.

        "I thought that I was dreaming, when you said you loved me," he sang, his voice scratchy and a few steps too high. That didn't stop him from feeling the music like nobody was watching. Whenever he played a song, he acted like he wrote the words and made it so every single part was meaningful. The lyrics were his escape, but it didn't ever seem like he never needed one. He nodded his head, wisps of his black hair falling out from his backwards baseball cap. I wondered how he could do that.

        Why didn't he worry constantly? Why didn't he overthink everything people said to him? Was I the only one?

        normalnormalnormalnormal

        He popped one eye open and smirked, and it was then I realised I was staring.

        "Want a photo? It'll last longer," he joked.

I felt my cheeks heating up, but I didn't break eye contact. "Do you think I'm a head case?"

        His smile fell. "No, course not. Why?"

        I shrugged, trying to convince both Adam and myself that I didn't really mind. "Someone said it at football practice."

        "To your face?"

        "No. To Blake and the rest of the lads on the team."

         "Oh. Did they stick up for you?"

        "Um... they just sort of... laughed I guess."

        He stared back at me. "Laughed?"

        I knew if I spoke, my voice would give away how deep their comments cut, and I didn't want Adam to see that. He couldn't see me like that, not again. I'd finally started a relationship not based off pity, I couldn't ruin it now.

        So I just nodded.

        His eyes didn't leave my face. They darted around, looking for some hint to what I was really feeling.

        "That's all they said?" He asked carefully.

        "Mmhmm."

        He looked me up and down again. "You can tell me anything, you know that, yeah?"

        "Mmhmm."

        "I can tell you aren't okay about this, Eli."

        "What makes you say that?"

        He pointed to my arm, which I didn't notice was on fire until he said something. "You've been rubbing your arm raw for the past few minutes."

        "So?" I snapped.

        "So... just tell me how you really feel."

        I let out a small laugh, but anyone with ears could tell it wasn't genuine. "I'm fine, really Adam."

        He paused, blinked, then spoke again. "Right. Your closest mate and entire football team just made fun of you, and you don't care."

        "Not at all."

        "You don't mind that they all think you're weird?"

        I narrowed my eyes at him and stood up. "What are you doing?"

        "It doesn't bother you in the slightest that the people you thought care about you don't want you around because they find you annoying?" He questioned, standing up with me.

        "Adam-" I could feel my voice about to break.

        "To them, you're just a crazy, dependent weirdo, yeah?"

        "Fine! I do care! I care way too much. Do you know how hard it is to go around acting like I don't notice when they talk about me? I hear every little comment they make about how I always cling onto Blake or how they don't think I'm well enough to be at their school. Hell, I've even heard the times they said they wouldn't notice if I was dead. I ignore it because it's easier to hear them say it and have it go through my mind all day then leave Blake. Before you and Grace, I didn't have anyone else! I couldn't even talk to other people without Blake close by because I didn't trust myself!" I screamed.

        "I always knew, in the back of my mind, that Blake didn't want me near him. But to hear him say it out loud, in front of my entire team, makes me feel more alone and humiliated then ever. Maybe I'm not normal. Maybe I am mental and belong in a straitjacket or something, I don't know! But holy fuck, Adam, hearing Blake and everyone else talk about me like I mean nothing to them shattered me like nothing else, because I always imagined that even when my time at home is tough, they'll help me through the rest of the day. Now I've got nothing left, and what am I meant to do? Everyone fucking hates me! I'm a piece of shit and nobody wants me around, so why stay around? Wouldn't it be easier if I just fucking died?!" My head pounded more and more each second and my throat burned. I tugged at my curls like they'd give me some sort of balance.

        I could feel tears and snot streaming down my bright red face, but I didn't make a move to wipe them away. I felt like I was going to vomit, faint, and punch a wall all at the same time. My stomach churned and I could feel bile climbing up my throat and leaving a sour tase in my mouth. I reached to scratch at my arm so I could feel something other than the pain in my head and in my heart, but Adam caught my hand before I could and wrapped his arms around me.

        I twisted around, trying to find my way out of his grip, but he was too strong. "Let me go!" I screamed, but he didn't release.

        "I don't want you to hurt yourself!" he yelled back.

        After another minute, I stopped moving and let myself fall into him like jelly. I didn't have the energy to stand, but Adam was there to help me. He held onto me with one hand, pressing my breaking body close to his so I couldn't fall, and turned up the song with the other.

        "Count the stars, Eli," he told me softly.

        And I did. I counted until I didn't feel like vomiting my insides out. I counted until all I could hear was the steady beat of whatever Frank Ocean song was playing and Adam's slow breathing. I counted until I could feel the fire that was searing my forearm. I counted until I realised I wasn't as alone as I thought.

        "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I just- I knew you needed to get that out and I didn't know any other way to do it," he explained, his voice gentle. He spoke into my hair, because I had buried my face into his shoulder, my sobs and coughs muffled by his shirt.

        "It's okay," I said, because it was.

        It's okay.

         "Adam?" I tried to say, but it came out more like a shaky breath.

        "Yeah, Eli?" He whispered.

        "I think if you weren't here, I wouldn't be okay. I'd..." I trailed off, not wanting to say the words that we both knew were true.

        "Hey," he said softly, "I'm just glad I'm here, then."

        He started to let go of me, but I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him like I never had anybody else before.

        "I'm glad you are too."

<><><>

Title chapter oh boyyyyy

I'm very nervous to upload this honestly. I sorta based it off of panic attacks I've had, so what works for Eli might not work for you or someone else. Just keep that in mind.

Anyway, how'd y'all like it? This was actually one of the first chapters I wrote 😬. I think I wrote the first draft after I published the second chapter, so... yeah. Long time ago. Obviously it's been edited A LOT.

Thanks for reading!! Love everyone!

~Teddy