Chapter Eighteen

It was the shortest walk up a small flight of steps to the door to the apartment, but the sun that had made the snow glisten had long since disappeared, replaced by a heavy cold wind, and the distance was enough that he felt the icy cold penetrate his light coat. He knocked at the door, once...twice...then three times with no answer. So he took out the keys and opened the door himself.

It was warm inside and he breathed a sigh of relief, and then called out her name.

"Lizzie? Are you here?"

There was no answer, but her coat and boots were in the hallway. There was no sign of her in the living room, and it was almost with reluctance that he opened the bedroom door.

When he saw her he felt worse than he ever had in his life before. Probably a whole box of tissues were screwed up and scattered over the bed, and sat in the midst of that mess was Lizzie. She was wearing a strappy vest, and short pyjama shorts, but it wasn't the expanse of flesh that he hadn't expected to see that made his heart hit his mouth, but the puffy eyes from crying, the blotchy face and neck, and the sadness that wafted off her in waves. He had done this to her.

"Lizzie..." there was no point asking her how she was, or reassuring her that everything would be ok, because she was so obviously destroyed by sadness.

She closed her eyes, as if not seeing him would make him go away. He lowered himself onto the bed beside her and reached out to place a hand on her arm. She flinched, dragging herself away from him, and he hated that.

"Lizzie, talk to me...please."

She shook her head as more tears leaked from her tightly squeezed shut eyes.

"Please." Taking a tissue he dabbed at her eyes, hating the tears that fell. The gesture made her jump and her eyes flashed open.

"What are you doing?"

Lizzie's voice was hoarse from her tears, and it broke him a little bit more.

"I hate seeing you cry."

She sighed, "well stop being such a bastard then."

Her anger surprised him, but he fathered it to her sadness, "you didn't tell me. He surprised me. It's hard for me you know."

She sighed, "and what about ME? He's all I have, and he's already settled into your family, he loves you all. I'm losing him every day, and I get that. I'm trying to adjust, to let this happen."

"NO. You won't ever lose him."

She rolled her puffy eyes at him, "I will. He wants and needs a father, and the moment cropped up..."

"You could have told me, warned me..."

She shook her head, "he was blasé about it, he didn't comment...what if I told you and he hadn't said anything, rejected it or wasn't ready to deal with this." She moved off the bed, standing in front of him, and he had to fight to not take in the curves, the long legs, so much that he shouldn't look at him.

"I saw the way you were when Coop suggested doing things with Nate, you were hurt, furious...and I felt sorry for you, I wanted you to stop being so angry with me. And in thinking of you...I apparently hurt you even more."

He felt his mouth opening and closing inanely as he tried to process his thoughts, tried to find an answer. He thought back to the previous day, it had been HER and Coop that had pissed him off, the fact that his friend could make her laugh, make her seem happier than he'd seen her. Then there had been that incident where they fell in the snow...he'd almost been tempted to kiss her, and that couldn't happen. It wouldn't happen...he just had to learn to curb his libido around her for a while. Like now.

Still sat on the bed, his head was level with the curve of her braless breasts, coated in the tight strappy vest, her nipples peaking against the fabric, practically teasing him. He couldn't look at her; instead he jumped to his feet.

"I'm not good at this..."

She laughed, "what? Life? You seem to juggle family and a girlfriend without hating them at every turn, so it must be me."

He reached for her hands, "I don't hate you Lizzie, don't be ridiculous."

Shrugging she stepped back, "well it seems as though you dislike me most of the time. I need a shower, and some time to myself. Nate is staying at the house tonight...I promised he could spend the night with you." Another tear welled in her eyes. "Try not to screw that up...and lock the door on your way out."

Before he could respond she was in the bathroom and the door clicked lock. He stared at it for a while, wanting to breakdown the door and set her straight. Then he thought about what she'd said; Nate was spending the night in Coop's with him. She was right, he was the priority. He was torn, between the boy he was desperate to do more with, and the woman he was breaking to let that happen.

It was a long time later that Lizzie emerged from the bathroom. Relieved to find her temporary home empty. She'd given Oscar an opportunity and she was glad that he was taking it. Plus she wasn't feeling strong enough to see him again. The way he'd looked at her earlier, like he hated her, had hurt her. But she knew that once she gave in to the tears, a lot of them were for her sister. She was still riddled with guilt over so much to do with her, but on her own with no one to care for, she had the chance to look inside herself, and she wasn't sure she liked who she saw.

Dragging a brush through her damp hair, she stared in the mirror, all she could see was anger, resentment, jealousy all aimed at her sister. Yet SHE was the one here, having more time with Nate than his own mother, and spending time with the only man who her sister apparently wanted. It was fucked up, and she hated it.

She'd bought a book, in the airport, some chick lit with a bright cover. Normally she'd get absorbed, laugh...but she couldn't switch off. It was her phone that disturbed her properly. Glancing down she saw an image, Nate and Elena cuddled in a large bed fast asleep. Below was a message.

"They are just TOO cute together. I've made burritos and have wine if you want company. I'm only a few steps away, even in the snow. Freya x"

She sighed; this woman was far too nice.

"I can't face anyone, Freya, I'm a mess."

That was no lie, she felt like she'd completely unravelled, raw open and vulnerable. That wasn't a great place to be.

"You need to eat, and I can come to you? They boys are playing some shooting game on the Xbox, I'm bored senseless."

That was the question; could she let this seemingly unassuming woman in? She glanced at her unmade bed, her unread book, and then in the mirror at her pale face. She wanted to be alone, but then her stomach rumbled.

Before she could reply, that she wasn't up to it, that she needed her own time and space, there was a knock at the door.

Moving slowly she opened it to see Freya wrapped up in a huge scarf, her face already flushed from the cold, and a large covered plate in her hand.

"Sorry, I can imagine you need to be alone, it's what I would want, and you're like me. But at least eat." She handed over the plate, and then pulled a bottle of wine from her coat pocket...it was a large coat, down to her knees and the image made her smile.

"Thanks, Freya."

She gave a smile, then turned to move away, back to the house.

"Don't go!" The words fell from her mouth and surprised her, and obviously Freya who turned with a smile. "I can't promise to be the life and soul, but there's enough wine for two."

Oscar tossed the game controller on to the coffee table and groaned, "I'm going to find a game to beat you at one day you bastard!"

Coop laughed jumping to his feet, "another beer?"

He nodded, "I'll just check on the kids."

Oscar's bedroom when he had shared this home with Coop had been the bedroom off the downstairs lounge. It was a guest room now with the family bedrooms being upstairs, today Nate, his son had fallen asleep with his cousin in the guest bed. Jumping to his feet he walked to the room, the two were still asleep, they'd barely moved from the last time he'd checked.

He'd decided to sleep on the sofa to keep an eye on them, knowing that Nate would be disorientated if he woke...but that he was also likely to be disturbed by Freya in the night when Riley woke. He didn't really care. It was the greatest feeling that tonight was the first time that he looked after his son, solely in charge of him.

That made him think about Lizzie, and all that she'd said earlier. Her motivations seemed so honourable, and yet he'd doubted her so much. Blamed her. He hated that, he seemed to change around her, be someone else.

She had been broken, devastated earlier, but wouldn't let him in. Not that he could blame her...but Freya had come good. She'd been gone over an hour, and he was relieved that someone was there for Lizzie.

As he rejoined Coop and took the beer he offered, his phone rang, and they both saw the name 'Krystal' on the display.

Coop, when Oscar met his gaze, scowled, "trouble?"

Oscar sent the call to answer phone and almost growled, and that made Coop laugh.

"Don't go there, you are no expert on relationships, and other than my sister you are a complete fuck up, so do not lecture me."

Coop laughed again, "and I would never take advice from anyone either."

"What does that mean?"

He laughed, "that you are making the same fucking mistakes that I did."

Oscar snarled back at him, "my sister was the most naïve person you could ever find when you dragged her into you web of fucking debauchery. DO not compare anything I do, to what you did."

He surprised himself with his anger, but he knew that it was defensive, he was ruffled, he didn't know what to do, what to say...he was way out of his depth.

Coop patted his shoulder, "it's all just words bro, you know that. Freya is the best thing that ever happened to me, and I love her more than I love myself. If you don't have that with Krystal end it. Now. You need to focus on your boy, and she's no step mother."

"It's over with her, she turned psycho on me. Can't be doing with that. You're right that Nate is my priority and making this work."

Nodding knowingly, Coop added, "remember what I told you when you first found out about Nate? Look Lizzie's a nice girl, a really nice girl. Don't drag her into this...you and Nate, is separate to you and her."

"This is no her and me."

He laughed, "you don't take your eyes off her and you have been a cantankerous shit whenever she's around. So there is something there...don't do what I did with Michelle. Make this about him..."

That made him fall back in his seat, Michelle had been Coop's girlfriend, someone he wasn't really that bothered about, until she got pregnant...he'd loved his son, but it had ended in tragedy and he'd blamed himself for years.

He wanted to kick out at Coop trying to offer advice, but this had stunned him. He was right. He couldn't confuse things, these two weren't a package. And he couldn't pretend that they could form a family unit together without there being hurt.

It was back to the drawing board.