Phoebe: ( entering ) Hi guys!
All : Hey , Pheebs ! Hi!
Ross : Hey. Oh, oh , how'd it go ?
Phoebe: Um, not so good. He walked to the subway and said' We should do this again ! '
All: Ohh. Ouch.
Rachel :What? He said ' We should do it again ' , that's good , right ?
Monica: Uh , no. Loosely translated ' We should do this again ' means ' you will never see me naked'.
Rachel: Since when?
Joey : Since always . It's like dating language . Y' know , like 'it's not you ' mean ' it is you '.

CHANDLER: Or 'You're such a nice guy' means 'I'm gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you'. PHOEBE: Or, or, y'know, um, 'I think we should see other people' means 'Ha, ha, I already am'. RACHEL: And everybody knows this? JOEY: Yeah. Cushions the blow. CHANDLER: Yeah, it's like when you're a kid, and your parents put your dog to sleep, and they tell you it went off to live on some farm. ROSS: That's funny, that, no, because, uh, our parents actually did, uh, send our dog off to live on a farm. MONICA: Uh, Ross. ROSS: What? Wh- hello? The Millners' farm in Connecticut? The Millners, they had this unbelievable farm, they had horses, and, and rabbits that he could chase and it was- it w- .....Oh my God, Chi Chi !
( Theme song plays).
Scene 1 : Chandler and Joey's apartment .
Chandler: " So how does it feel knowing your about to die ? "
Joey: "Warden , in five minutes my pain will be over. But you'll have to live with the knowledge that you sent an honest man to die ".
Chandler: Hey , that was really good !
Joey: Thanks ! Let's keep going .
Chandler: Okay. " So . Whaddya want from me Danone , huh ?

JOEY: "I just wanna go back to my cell. 'Cause in my cell, I can smoke." CHANDLER: "Smoke away." (JOEY TAKES OUT A PACKET OF CIGARETTES AND A LIGHTER. HE FUMBLES AND DROPS THE LIGHTER. THEN HE LIGHTS A CIGARETTE, TAKES A DRAG AND COUGHS) CHANDLER: I think this is probably why Damone smokes in his cell alone. JOEY: What? CHANDLER: Relax your hand! (JOEY LETS HIS WRIST GO LIMP) CHANDLER: Not so much! JOEY: Whoah! CHANDLER: Hey! JOEY: Hey! CHANDLER: Alright, now try taking a puff. (JOEY TRIES AND VISIBLY WINCES) CHANDLER: Alright.. okay. No. Give it to me. JOEY: No no no, I am not giving you a cigarette. CHANDLER: It's fine, it's fine. Look, do you wanna get this part, or not? Here. (JOEY RELUCTANTLY GIVES HIM THE CIGARETTE) CHANDLER: Don't think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as the thing that's been missing from your hand. When you're holding it, you feel right. You feel complete. JOEY: Y'miss it? CHANDLER: Nah, not so much. Alright, now we smoke. (TAKES A PUFF) Oh.. my.. God. (CONTINUES TO Smoke )
Scene 2 : Central Perk ( All present except Rachel , Phoebe and Charlotte)
Monica: No , no , no. They say it's the same as the distance from the tip of a guy's thumb to the tip of his index finger.
( The guys stretch out their fingers)
Joey: That's ridiculous !
Ross : Can I use .. either thumb ?
Rachel: ( Bringing drinks) Alright ,don't tell me , don't tell me ( Handing them out ) Decaf cappuccino for Joey .. Coffee black .. Latte.. And an iced tea . I'm getting pretty good at this !
All : Yeah. Yeah , excellent .
Rachel: ( Leaving to serve others) Good for me !
( The Gang swap round all the drinks )
( Enter Phoebe muttering and Charlotte looking very confused . Phoebe sits down without saying Hi)
Charlotte: Hi Daddy.
Joey: Hey princess how was your day ? Y'okay , Phoebe?
Phoebe: Yeah -no- I'm just - it's I haven't worked - it's my bank.
Monica : What did they do to you ?
Phoebe: It's nothing , it's just -okay I'm going through my mail and I open up their monthly , you know , statement-
Ross : Easy.
Phoebe: -and there's five hundred extra dollars in my account. 
Chandler: Oh , Satan's minions at work again ...

PHOEBE: Yes, 'cause now I have to go down there, and deal with them. JOEY: What are you talking about? Keep it! PHOEBE: It's not mine, I didn't earn it, if I kept it, it would be like stealing. RACHEL: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!
Phoebe: Okay . Okay. Let's say I bought a really great pair of shoes. Do you know what I'd hear , with every step I took ? ' Not -Mine. Not- mine. Not -mine '. And even if I was happy , okay , and , and skipping - Not -not mine , not -not mine, not -not mine ' ...
Charlotte: Jeez , those shoes sure do sound Judgey I hope my shoes don't sound like that .
Monica : We're with you. We got it. Char , honey shoes don't actually talk .
( Chandler leans over the back of the couch , out of sight )
Phoebe: Okay . I'd- just -I'd never be able to enjoy it . It would be like this giant karmic debt.
Rachel: Chandler , what are you doing?
Monica : ( pulling him up ) Hey. Whaddya doing ?
( Chandler tries to shrug nonchalantly but eventually he has to exhale a mouthful of smoke)
All: Oh! Oh , Gosh! 
Ross : What is this ? !
Chandler: I'm smoking . I'm smoking , I'm smoking.

PHOEBE: Oh, I can't believe you! You've been so good, for three years! CHANDLER: And this- is my reward! ROSS: Hold on a second, alright? Just think about what you went through the last time you quit.
Joey : Plus Charlotte has Asthma .
Charlotte: ( Coughs)

Chandler : Okay , so this time I won't quit !
All : Ohhh! Put it out !
Chandler: All right! I'm putting it out , I'm putting it out . ( He drops it In Phoebe's coffee )
Phoebe: Oh, no ! I-I can't drink this now !
Monica: Alright . I'm gonna go change , I've got a date .
Rachel: This Alan again? How's it goin ' ?
Monica: ' S'going pretty good , y'know ? It's nice , and, we're having fun .
Joey : So when do we get to meet the guy ?
Monica: Let's see , today's Monday ... Never.
All: Oh, come on! Come on !
Monica: No. Not after what happened with Steve.
Chandler: What are you talking about? We love Schhteve! Schhteve was schhexy!.. Sorry.
Joey : Chandler we've got a 7 year old in the room .
Monica: Look , I don't even know how I feel about him yet. Just give me a chance to figure that out .
Rachel: Well , then can we meet him ?
Monica: Nope. Schhorry.
( Scene 3 : IRIDIUM ( Monica and Paula are at work)
Monica: I mean, why should I let them meet him? I mean, I bring a guy home, and within five minutes they're all over him. I mean, they're like- coyotes, picking off the weak members of the herd.
Paula: Listen . As someone who's seen more than her fair share of bad beef , I'll tell you that is not such a terrible thing . I mean , they're your friends , they're just looking out for you.

MONICA: I know. I just wish that once, I'd bring a guy home that they actually liked. PAULA: Well, you do realise the odds of that happening are a little slimmer if they never get to meet the guy..
( Cut to Rachel + Monica's apartment . Chandler Is smoking on the balcony. Phoebe Is absent)
Joey : Let it go Ross.
Ross: Yeah, well you didn't know Chi chi.
Monica: Do you all promise ?
All:Yeah! We promise ! We'll be good !
Charlotte: It depends on if I get the cake you promised me afterwards.
Monica: Yes you'll get the cake I promised you afterwards.
( Chandler makes a 'cross my heart'  sign. It starts to rain and Chandler taps on the window.)
Joey : You can come in , but your filter -tipped little buddy has to stay outside !

(CHANDLER SULKILY PICKS UP A GARBAGE CAN LID AND SHELTERS HIMSELF UNDER IT)
(ENTER PHOEBE. SHE STRIDES TO THE COUCH, SITS DOWN AND BEGINS TO READ WITHOUT SAYING HI)
Ross : Hey ,Pheebs.
Phoebe: : 'Dear Ms. Buffay. Thank you for calling attention to our error. We have credited your account with five hundred dollars. We're sorry for the inconvenience, and hope you'll accept this- (SEARCHES IN HER PURSE) -football phone as our free gift.' Do you believe this?! Now I have a thousand dollars, and a football phone!
Rachel: What bank is this?
( Door buzzer)
Monica: Hey. It's him . ( To intercom) Who is it ?
Alan :  ( intercom) it's Alan.
Joey : ( shouts to chandler) Chandler ! He's here !
( Chandler comes in , dripping wet )

MONICA: (TO ALL) Okay, please be good, please. Just remember how much you all like me .
( Opens the door -Enter Alan )
Monica : Hi. Alan , this is everybody . Everybody this is Alan.
Alan : Hi.
All : Hi , Alan.
Alan : I've heard schho much about all you guyschh!
( General Hysteria)
Monica: At the door , to Alan who is leaving) Thanks . I'll call you tomorrow . ( To all ) okay . Okay , let's the Alan- bashing begin .who's gonna take the first hit , hmm ?
( Silence)
Monica: C'mon !
Ross : ... I'll go. Let's start with the way he kept picking at - no ,I'm sorry ,I can't do this , can't do this. We loved him.
All : Loved him ! Yeah ! He's great!
Monica: Wait a minute! We're talking about someone that I'm going out with ?
All : Yeah!
Yeah!

RACHEL: And did you notice...? (SPREADS HER THUMB AND INDEX FINGER)
The Guys : ( Reluctantly) Yeah.
Joey : Know what was great ? The way his smile was kinda crooked.

PHOEBE: Yes, yes! Like the man in the shoe!
Ross: ... What shoe ? 
Phoebe: From the nursery rhyme. 'There was a crooked man, Who had a crooked smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a... while...'
( Dubious pause)
Ross : ... So I think Alan will become the yardstick against which all future boyfriends will be measured.
Rachel: What future boyfriends? Nono, I th- I think this could be, y'know, it.
Monica: Really !

CHANDLER: Oh, yeah. I'd marry him just for his David Hasselhoff impression alone. You know I'm gonna be doing that at parties, right? (DOES IT)
Ross : You know what I like most about him , though?
All : What ?
Ross : The way he makes me feel about himself.
All: Yeah ...
( AD BREAK)

SCENE 5: CENTRAL PERK(MONICA ALONE. ENTER ROSS, RACHEL, CHANDLER AND JOEY, DEJECTEDLY, IN SOFTBALL GEAR)
Monica: Hi .. how was the game?
Ross : Well ..
All: WE WON!! Thank you! Yes !  

MONICA: Fantastic! I have one question: How is that possible?
Joey : Alan.

ROSS: He was unbelievable. He was like that-that-that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs is playing all the positions, right, but instead of Bugs it was first base-Alan, second base-Alan, third base-...
Rachel : I mean , it -it was like , it was like he made us into a team.

CHANDLER: Yep, we sure showed those Hassidic jewellers a thing or two about softball..
Monica: Can I ask you guys a question? D'you ever think that Alan is maybe.. sometimes.. 
Ross : What ?
Monica: .. I dunno , a little too Alan ?
Charlotte: Well, no. That's impossible. You can never be too Alan.
Ross : Yeah , it's his , uh , innate Alan-ness that-that -that we adore .
Chandler: I personally could have a gallon of Alan.
( CUT TO A STREET WHERE LIZZIE IS RESTING .
PHOEBE AND CHARLOTTE WALKS UP TO HER )
Charlotte & Phoebe: Hey , Lizzie
Lizzie: Hey , Weird girl and Weird girl's niece
Phoebe : I brought you alphabet soup.
Lizzie: Did you pick out the vowels?
Phoebe : Yes. But I left in the Ys. 'Cause, y'know, "sometimes y". Uh, I also have something else for you. (SEARCHES IN HER PURSE)
Lizzie :Saltines?
Charlotte: No it's a thousand dollars and a football phone .

LIZZIE: What? (OPENS THE ENVELOPE PHOEBE HAS GIVEN HER) Oh my God, there's really money in here.
Phoebe: I know.
Lizzie : Weird girl , what are you doing?

PHOEBE: No, I want you to have it. I don't want it.
Lizzie: No, no , I ha-I have to give you something.

PHOEBE: Oh, that's fine, no.
Lizzie : Would you like my tin-foil hat?

PHOEBE: No. 'Cause you need that. No, it's okay, thanks.
Lizzie: please let me do something .
Charlotte: Okay , alright then you can buy us a soda , and then we're even . Okay ?
Lizzie: Okay .
Phoebe: Okay.

CUT TO CHANDLER'S OFFICE BLOCK)

(CHANDLER LOOKS ROUND, THEN OPENS HIS DESK DRAWER AND TAKES A PUFF OF A CIGARETTE. THEN HE SPRAYS AROUND SOME AIR FRESHENER AND TAKES SOME BREATH SPRAY. HE TYPES FOR A MOMENT. THEN HE OPENS THE DRAWER AGAIN AND TAKES ANOTHER PUFF. NOT PAYING ATTENTION, HE SPRAYS THE BREATH SPRAY AROUND THE ROOM, TAKES A SQUIRT OF AIR FRESHENER AND GAGS)

(CUT TO PHOEBE AND LIZZIE AT A SODA STAND)

LIZZIE: Keep the change. (TO PHOEBE) Sure you don't wanna pretzel?
Phoebe: No We're fine .
Lizzie : ( leaving) See ya.

(PHOEBE OPENS THE CAN AND REACTS)
Charlotte: Huh !
( Cut to Central Perk )
Ross : A thumb ? !
( Phoebe and Charlotte nod )
All: Eww!
Phoebe : I know! I know , I opened it up and there it was ,just floating there , like this tiny little hitchhiker !
Chandler: Well , maybe it's a contest , y'know ? Like , collect all five ?
Phoebe & Charlotte: Does , um , anyone want to see ?
All : Nooo!
( Chandler lights a cigarette)
All : Oh , hey , don't do that! Cut it out !
Joey: Chandler, come on what are you trying to do kill Charlotte, she has asthma.
Charlotte: ( coughs)
Rachel: it's worse than the thumb !
Chandler: Hey , this is so unfair
Monica: Oh , why is it unfair ?
Chandler: So I have a flaw! Big deal ! Like Joey's constant knuckle-cracking isn't annoying, ? , and Ross with his over -pronouncing every single word ? and Monica with that snort when she laughs ? I mean what the hell is that thing ? and Charlotte's nail biting ? I accept all those flaws , why can't you accept me for this ?
( Uncomfortable silence)
Joey : Does the knuckle -cracking bother everybody ? and Chandler was it really necessary to bring char into this .
Rachel: Well , I -I could live without it .
Joey : Well , is it , like , a little annoying , or is it like when Phoebe chews her hair ?
( Phoebe spits out her hair)
Oh , now , don't listen to him , pheebs , I think it's endearing.
Joey : Oh ( imitating Ross) "you do , do you ? "
( Monica Laughs and Snorts)
Ross : You know, there's nothing wrong with speaking correctly .
Rachel : "Indeed  there isn't "... I should really get back to work.
Phoebe: Yeah , cause otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered.
( Charlotte looking pale )
Rachel: Ohh-ho-hooohhh. The hair comes out and the gloves come on.
( They Degenerate into Bickering and Chandler starts to happily smoke undisturbed , Joey notices that during their argument Charlotte fainted.)
Joey : Guys , guys someone please call 911 , Charlotte fainted.
Rachel : What is she okay ? Has she eaten anything today?
Joey : No , I don't think so , I don't know . I think it's because Chandler has been smoking a lot while he's around her .
Gunther : Rachel , is everything okay here?
Rachel : No she has asthma and Chandler was smoking around her so she passed out during the argument we were having.
Gunther : Have you called 911 ?
All : Yes .
Monica: I'm so sorry this happened Joey , I can't believe that Chandler would just walk out like that.
Joey : I know right, Charlotte's his niece , he loves this girl to death, yet he was the one who put her life at risk, I don't know if I can trust him to be alone with Charlotte after this.
Phoebe: It's okay Joey , we totally understand so until we can trust Chandler to be alone with Charlotte, we can pick her up from school.
Ross : I can pick her up from school too if you want and if you don't think she will be safe at home with Chandler in the house she can stay at my apartment.
Phoebe , Monica and Rachel: She can stay at our apartment too since Ross's place is too far from you.
( Ambulance arrives, Joey gets in the back of the ambulance to go to the hospital with Charlotte while the others drive to the hospital)
Monica : Has anyone called Chandler to let him know that Charlotte's in the hospital ?
Joey : No , I haven't because it's his fault that she's here in the first place, I'm so mad at him right now.
Rachel : Joey , that's okay , I don't blame you for being mad but don't you think he deserves to know that his niece is in the hospital.
Joey : I guess but can you please call him? , I can't speak to him right now, I'm just soo mad at him .
Ross : Don't worry about Chandler we will have a chat with him about his smoking is affecting Charlotte, you just worry about Charlotte.
Phoebe : I agree with Ross instead of focusing all your attention on your anger towards Chandler, you should focus all your attention on Charlotte getting better.
Monica: Joey , are you ok  ? , for me to leave you with Rachel , Ross and Phoebe , I'm going to go and pick up Emma from Pom's practice and then we will head right back here.
Joey : Yeah that's fine, Emma deserves to know that her best friend is in the hospital, hopefully by the time you get back , char will be awake .
( Chandler comes running in with a cigarette in his hand.)
Chandler : Where is she , where's Charlotte?
Rachel : She's in the emergency room .
Chandler: Can I see her? , I need to know that she's Okay .
Ross : Not right now, Joey's in there and he's focusing all his attention on her getting better , he's soo mad at you and you going in there, would just make things worse.
Chandler: I understand that, I just need to know that she's ok , this is all my fault, I would never forgive myself if she died .
Phoebe : Chandler, what were you thinking? You knew Charlotte had asthma, yet you kept smoking around her.
Chandler: I wasn't thinking, I just need Charlotte to feel better , whether or not she survives I promise to never smoke again. Where's Monica?
Rachel: Don't talk like that, Lottie will survive this and when she does, you will be the best uncle you can be for that little girl. Monica went to pick up Emma from Pom's practice.
Chandler: I would totally understand if Joey wanted me to move out of our apartment because I nearly cost him his daughter's life.
Ross : Joey may be mad at you but I doubt he would make you move out of the apartment, btw he no longer trusts you with his daughter, so  Lott might be living with me or with Monica , Rachel and Phoebe for awhile.
Chandler: I totally understand, I will try to be better for Charlie , I love that little girl soo much and I will never forgive myself for this.
( Enter Monica and Emma )
Monica : Hey , how is she ? , is she awake yet ?
Rachel : I don't know we haven't heard anything from the doctors yet.
Emma : ( threatening chandler) She better be okay because she's my best friend and I don't know what I would do without her.
Chandler : I'm so sorry Em , I never meant for this to happen .
Monica : ( soothing Emma while she cries) You knew she had asthma , yet you continued to smoke around her , I hope she survives this not only for our sake but your sake too because if she doesn't Joey and Emma will never forgive you.
( A few minutes later, Emma has fallen asleep and so have Chandler, Ross and Rachel)
Monica: How's she doing?
Joey : She's okay, she's stable and the doctors said that she should be awake soon . I don't know what I'm going to do about Chandler.
Monica: You should do what you think is best for Charlotte, do you really think, she would want you and Chandler to be fighting when she wakes up !
Joey : No , I will speak to him as soon as he wakes up.
Chandler: (wakes up) Hey man, how's she doing?
Joey : She's alright, she's stable and the doctors said that she should be awake soon .
Chandler: I'm really sorry Joey for putting Charlotte's life in danger, I promise to never smoke again and I totally understand if you want me to move out of our apartment.
Joey : That's ok and you better not because the next time we're in this situation we might not be so lucky . Don't be silly , you can still live in our apartment, Char loves you soo much and she knows it was an accident.
( Chandler and Joey hug .)
Nurse : Mr Tribbani , your daughter is awake and she's asking for you .
Joey : Thank you so much . ( to the gang ) I've got to go.
Charlotte: Daddy , my throat hurts, can you please hand me that cup of water ?
Joey : Yes , of course sweetie. How are you feeling? You had me worried for a second there .
Charlotte: I'm sorry for scaring you daddy , I didn't mean to. I'm okay and are you still mad at Uncle Chandler , I know he didn't mean to do it , it was an accident.
Joey : That's okay and no I'm not we made up just before you woke up , I know it wasn't Chandler's fault I was just soo mad at him because this all happened because of his smoking habit. I thought I was going to lose you baby girl, in fact we all did.
Charlotte: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you guys. You didn't think I would leave you guys and Emma behind .
Joey : To be honest, I thought you would and I don't know what my life would be like without you and I never want to find out.
Charlotte: Aww that's so sweet. Me neither, can you please get Uncle Chandler, Aunt Rachel, Uncle Ross and Aunt Phoebe as well as Emma to come in ?
Joey : Yes , I will go and get them now.
( Outside Charlotte's hospital room )
Joey : Hey guys , Char would like to see you.
Chandler: Even me ?
Joey : Yes Chandler even you, she knows that it wasn't your fault.
( All enter Charlotte's hospital room)
All: We're so glad that you're okay Charlotte, you had us worried sick we thought that you were going to die.
Charlotte: I wouldn't do that to you guys , I know that you all need me in your life.
Chandler : I'm so sorry that I'm the reason that you're in the hospital Charlotte. I didn't mean for this to happen.
Charlotte: That's ok uncle Chandler, I know you didn't mean to . I forgive you.
Emma : You better not try to leave me again, I was worried sick about you, you're my best friend and I don't know what I would do without you.
Charlotte: Don't worry, I don't plan on leaving you anytime soon Em , you're my best friend too and we stlll have so much that we need to do together before that time comes.

I hope you enjoyed this chapter, please vote and comment, I love it when you guys give me feedback on what I can do to improve my writing. I hope you have a lovely day / afternoon/ evening. I'm going to update this book on Tuesdays and Thursdays and then I will most likely you belong with me on Mondays and Fridays.