A/N: this chapter contains some triggering themes as self harm and suicide. I DO NOT recommend reading this chapter if you get trigger by this in any kind of way. Enjoy!!

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I, Kurt Hummel, was a national champion. Okay, that was a bit exaggerating. I wasn't a national champion on my own, but with my team, I was. It wasn't in any sports or athletic branch, but it was in art. It was in music, in show choir. And to be quite honest with you, it felt good. It felt really good.We were like heroes now. People looked up to us, wanted to be us.

In the good old days, when the glee club was just starting, everyone hated it. Note, not the members did though, but everyone else. Being in glee club wasn't something you should be proud of, but more like something you would associate with being gay or a freak. People would mock you and make fun of you, especially the guys who were on the football team. But when Finn joined, it changed a little bit. When we won, it all changed.

I stood by my locker, taking out my English textbooks, as my phone buzzed. I fished it out of my jacket, opened it and saw a message.

'Meet me outside. It's urgent'

The text read. It was from an unknown number, but I already knew who it was from. I let out a heavy sigh, closed the locker, and walked outside. The sun was shining, warming up the ground. The flowers and trees were all in their full glory, making everything look beautiful. If there was any other circumstances I would've enjoyed the view, but knowing this wasn't going to be pleasant, I didn't bother enjoy it.

I went over to a bench, where a guy was already sitting. As I walked up to him, I notice his tear stained face.

" Karofsky." I simply said, not even looking at him, but rather ahead of him

" You came" he said looking up at me

" What's your deal?" I asked, ignoring what he said

" Can I ask you something?" Karofsky said. When I didn't respond he just continued. " How.. how did you know that you were... you know.. gay?"

To be honest, I was suprised about his question. Why on earth did he want to know that or even bother to care to know that.

" I.. ehm.. I guess I've always known it.. " I said

" But how did you manage to like.. act on it?"

" I just figured out it was easier to be what I really was than just hiding it and try and be someone else"

" But how.. did you like do that?"

" Karofsky.. I don't understand... what exactly is your angle here?"

" Dammit Kurt! I am just trying to understand you" he said and got up.

" But why? Why would you ever bother to understand me, when you've made it pretty clear you haven't cared about it earlier!?"

" I .. ugh. Kurt I think I might be on the same team as you .. and I don't know how to handle it okay!" Karofsky said. I was shocked. Okay, I know that I might have been hinting to it in the past, when saying comments like, as if he didn't need any of my  fairy dust, but never in my wildest dream did I actually think that he was ... gay?

" I don't understand Karofsky.. why are you telling me this?"

" I .. I don't know Kurt. I just feel like you're the only one who would understand ...  and maybe you can h- help me" he said, this time sitting himself down onto the bench again. He put his head in his hands, letting out a frustrated sigh. I sat myself down beside him, not really knowing what to say.

" But you've done nothing but harassing me" I said after a while " and you've made my life a living hell.. you even threatened to kill me... how am I going to be able to help you, when I can't even stand you?"

" I know.. and I'm so sorry Kurt.. I "

" No, let me finish. " I spat back at him, cutting him off of what would have been an awful excuse of an apology " You ruined my life okay. You and your little minions all ruined my life. You made my life a living hell, making me hate myself, be ashamed of who I was. You made me do things to myself that no one should ever do. You made me feel like crap every single day, making me feel scared to even walk into the school. You made me hate every single thing about not only me, but everyone else. You made me hurt myself. And the worst part of it all? You took something from me that I can never get back !? "

" A-and what is that?"

"My happiness. My innocence. My love for people around me and for myself" I said looking directly at him " And now you expect me to help you .. because you think you might be gay?"

" I .. I don't know what to say... Kurt I didn't know I hurt you so badly for you to do those things... but when you say you hurt yourself... what exactly do you mean?" He asked me, looking back at me

I rolled up the sleeves of my jacket, revealing the many scars on both of my forearms. Karofsky looked down at them for a quick second before he turned his eyes back on me.

" I ... how... why? I made you do those thing?"

" You're seriously asking me why I did it and if you had anything to do with it?"

"I.. I don't know what to do.. "

" How about you just leave me alone okay? " I said, got up and walked away from him. Who did he even think he was for saying these things to me. To tell me that he is conflicted, to try and apologize for what he did, when he in the past clearly hadn't given a damn about me.

As i entered the school hallway again, I noticed Mercedes and Tina standing by my locker talking amongst themselves. I walked over to them, and they both stopped talking.

" Hey guys. What's going on?" I asked them

" You haven't heard it ?" Tina asked me, raising her eyebrows at me

" Heard what?"

" There's a rumor going around that David Karofsky ... was at Scandals the other day" Tina said, crossing her arms

" Yeah, and the rumor is also saying that he was checking out the guys there, as if he was interested in them" Mercedes finished.

" Karofsky? At Scandals??" I asked them, trying my best to hide my suspicion

" That's the gay bar right. I mean, is he gay now. What is happening to him" Tina said, looking over at Mercedes who in this very minute had also crossed her arms

" It doesn't make sense. He's been bullying you for years because you're gay, and now he suddenly is one himself"

I felt like vomiting. If there was a rumor about him being at Scandals, it would mean that someone had seen him there. And if someone had seen him there, he must have went there .. willingly? Was it because he knew it, or was it all out of curiosity. Whatever it was, it made me feel like vomiting.

" Guys, you can't walk around and believe every single rumor you hear. I mean we're at McKinely.. rumors are like crack to people" I said

" Are you defending him? After all he's done to you? " Tina asked me

" No, but even if he is gay, it's not okay to be outing him. When he is ready himself he will come out of the closet" I said, actually feeling quite sorry for Karofsky

" Why are you defending him??" The both asked me, not clearly being irritated with me

" Because I know exactly what he is going through okay. I know exactly what it feels like to have a secret you don't want to have, and the feeling of people around you spreading rumors and talk about it. And I can assure that it's not fun." I said, almost in one breath.

" Kurt... we're sorry. Of course we know that you've been through it..."

" Yeah, Mercedes and I didn't mean to sound insensitive about this"

" Maybe you guys didn't mean it, but it still was a bit insensitive Tina" I said

" You're right Kurt. Let's just forget this and move on?"

I nodded my head, before the both of them pulled me into a tight hug. We pulled apart, and they said good bye leaving for their classes.

I reached the English classroom, my mind racing all over the places. The conversation between the girls still playing in the back of mind, as well as the one with Karofsky. It didn't make sense, not really.

I sat down in my seat beside Finn, who was concentrating hard on a piece of paper. He looked up at me, noticing my presence.

" Oh hi Kurt" He said

" Hey Finn" I said back, putting down my bag. " What's going on? Why isn't the teacher here yet?" I asked him

" Nothing I think.. I just think the teacher is a bit late or something" He said " Hey Kurt? I saw you talking to Karofsky earlier ... did he do anything to you?"

" No Finn.. he just told me that .." For a split second I almost spilled out the truth about Karofsky, but I managed to stop myself from doing it. Although I still wasn't a huge fan of him, I was not going to out him. " He just wanted to talk really .. apologize sort of" I said, shrugging it off.

" And what did you say?"

" I just said to him that I didn't want to hear it ... he.. he can't just expect me to forgive him for the crap he's been giving me. " I said back.

Finn opened his mouth as if to say something back, but instead he just closed it, because in that very moment, the English teacher had arrived. As the class went on, with Mr. Norris talking on and on about the power of writing, my mind drifted off to somewhere else. I fished out my phone from my pocket, only to be met by a text.. from an unknown number. I unlocked it, cast a quick glance up at Mr. Norris to make sure he didn't notice it. When I was sure the coast was clear, I read the text.

' You think you deserve Blaine? Blaine is too good for you. everyone was too good for you' the first text read. As soon a finished reading it, new one popped up from the same number, as if they knew I was done reading it

' You should just disappear from this world. The world would be so happier without you'

And then a third text came rolling in less than a second after

' Blaine would be happier without you. '

I shut the phone off, trying to ignore the stupid texts. But it was hard. Who was writing these things to me? Was it Karofsky? No, it couldn't be, I had him in my contacts, so his name would've appeared... unless he used a different number of course. No it couldn't be him ... he had just apologized to me. But I had kinda been harsh on him, so it wouldv'e made perfect sense if it was him.

As hard as I tried to ignore the incoming text, I couldn't keep myself very long, and suddenly I sat there with the phone between my hands again. It never stopped, it just came flooding in.

' You should just do this world a favor and kill yourself Hummel' the last one read.

" Hey Kurt, what is that?" Finn suddenly spoke up, making me all jumpy. I had completely forgotten he was sitting right next to me. I shut the phone off quickly and pushed into my pocket. " Nothing" I said. To my luck, the bell rang out, and I grabbed my bag halfway running out of the classroom. I had to get out of here.

I sprinted down the corridor, the only thought running my head was that I needed to find Blaine. Blaine was the only person who could make me sane, who could take this pain away ... who could help me. I fished out my phone, dialing his number, but when it went straight to voicemail I just shut it off. Why couldn't he ever pick up the phone when I needed him to. I ran past the choir room, ignoring the people who was inside the room getting ready for the rehearsel. No way in hell I was going to participate. I need silver. I needed to cut. I needed to bleed.

I got out to my car, started it and drove like mad to Blaines house. I figured if he wasn't at school he would've gone home. I quickly stopped the car, slammed the door shut, almost ran up the front door making myself ready to knock. But I never got the chance to do that, because in the very same moment, the door opened. And there in front of me was Blaine... and Sebastian.

" Kurt! What are you doing here?" Blaine asked me, sounding all concerned.

" What is he doing here?" I asked angrily, not looking away from Sebastian

" Oh I was just visiting an old friend Lady face.. you know Blaine and I used to be friends" Sebastian said, giving his stupid little smirk

" You mean before you totally broke his heart?" I almost yelled back at him. I couldn't deal with his face right now, and the fact that he was in the way, made me infuriated.

" Gosh.. I don't know what Blaine told you, but I can assure that's not what happened. And if it was so, I don't see how that is any of your business Lady Face" He spat back

" Maybe because he is my boyfriend Sebastian" I spat back at him

" Kurt.. relax" Blaine just said sound calm " Seb and I just hung out as old friends.. catching up and everything. You have nothing to worry about.. eh Seb I'll call you later okay? I think Kurt needs me right now"

" Okay, no problem B. Nice running into you Lady Face, but you should really do something with your temper. Don't want to drive Blaine away " He said the last part low enough so Blaine couldn't hear, before he left the porch, making me and Blaine all to ourselves.

" You want to come in?" Blaine asked me, and I nodded, following him inside.

" Where's your dad?" I asked him, remembering how his house had looked like the last time I saw him

" He... actually... my mom managed to get him into rehab." Blaine said

" She did? That's amazing, how did she do it?"

" Well, that was kind of why Seb was over here... he helped me with it"

" That's nice and everything, but why didn't you tell me?" I asked him

" Like you tell me everything? " Oh god, not this fight again.

" What do you mean?" I asked, not really ready to hear his answer

" What I mean is that it feels like I'm only here for you when you need someone to cuddle with, or someone to kiss you and hold you and tell you how beautiful and amazing you are, which I still state that you are. Otherwise you just kind of toss me aside, shutting me out. You don't tell me when things get bad for you, you don't talk about your problems with me, nor do you let me talk to about my problems" he said almost in one breath

I opened my mouth to retort, but he quickly held up his hand, telling me to not say anything.

" And besides, I get it that you're not a big fan of Sebastian or something, but he's a friend okay. He was my best friend for so long, and to be honest with you, it's been nice to finally have someone who understands to actually talk to." He paused, before he spoke again. " I'm finished now... you can talk now"

" Well thank you for that persmission" I said with a hint of sarcasm involved. " But I don't really know what to say. You want me to apologize to you... or what is your angle here Blaine"

" I ... I just want to feel needed.. and loved Kurt"

" Do you remember what I said to you when you first confessed your love for me?" I asked him. He furrowed his triangle shaped eyebrows as if he was thinking hard on it, and maybe he was.

" I said that I am a fuck up. I told you that I am so ruined myself that I don't know if I could be able to start a relationship with anyone. And do you remember what you told me?"

He didn't answer this question either. He just kept his mouth shut, listening intently on what I was saying

" You said that it was okay, because you were kind of fucked up to. You said you wanted to help me, and love me no matter what. " I said, while he was slowly nodding

" You said that we would help each other out" I finished off. And when I did, I could feel hot tears building up in the corners of my eyes. Normally I would bite my lip hard enough for them to bleed, to prevent from crying in front someone. But now I just couldn't. I just let them roll down my face.

" I .. know Kurt.. I know said that.. a-and I do still mean it, but—"

" But what? "

" I .. I don't know" he said and looked down onto the ground

I nodded my headslowly, and wiped away the tears that kept rolling down my cheek.

" Then I should go" I said and turned around.

" Kurt wait"

But I didn't stop. I couldn't face him one more time. It hurt too much. I opened the front door, walked out of it and let cold wind blow my face. My phone buzzed, and I picked it up to see a message.

'Seriously dude. Just kill yourself already' it read.

I stuffed the phone into my pocket, raced down the front porch of Blaine's house, and sat myself into into the car. I didn't remember the car ride home, everything was such a blur in my mind.

When I reached the front porch of my house, I noticed that none of the cars were parked. I was alone. I got out and went straight to my bedroom where I locked the door. Then I put on some music on the highest volume, to try and drown the demons talking back at me inside my head. I knelt down in front of my bed, fished out my secret box, and pulled out a razor. I then sat myself down with my knees pulled up tight towards me, and I took the silver in my hand. While the tears were streaming down my face, I began to cut.

One for Blaine

One for being gay

Two for being me

Three for being a fuck up

Four for being bullied

Five for Karofsky

Six for Sebastian

Seven for Rachel

Nine for the whole glee club who hates me

Ten for Blaine and I who argue all the time

Eleven for my dad

Twelve for Carole

Twenty for the stupid text ... for each stupid text

My head was spinning, and I couldn't think straight anymore.. but that was nothing new. I just couldn't handle it anymore. Everything hurt. Every bone, every organ, every piece of skin hurt and burned. I just couldn't take it.

All the while I let my forearm bleed, I fished out my phone again and read over the text. Whoever sent this, was right. I should just kill myself. The world would be better off without me anyway. Blaine would be happier with someone who is not as fucked up as I am, my dad didn't have to worry about anymore. And literally there was no downside to doing this.

I wasn't even scared. I was rather very calm, which would make it even easier.

With one last deep breath, I place the razor near my pulse, and without any hesitation, I pushed it down, making one last big cut.

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A/N: Okay guys so finally the chapter is here. And please don't hate me for the ending... things are getting really messed up now. Who do you think sent the texts ( I think you already know it) and guys(!!) so sorry for late update. I had really trouble with writing this chapter because I did not know how to put it into words. And it was hard for me to write about the suicide because it's just so sad. But I hope I still have you all just as excited ❤️ let's hope Kurt will be alright ( only I know that ;)) comments and review are always well appreciated