I'mma put a trigger warning on this because I don't know if this counts as ab*se but it definitely counts as bullying so mmm
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I wish I didn't throw that first punch, the sound of skin contacting with skin still echoed in my head, I wish I didn't shove him into the cold metal, the way he shook after regaining his balance still haunts me, I wish I stopped after just those two actions, he didn't deserve it, he still doesn't.

The cigarette lit up where it was caught on fire as I took a drag, the smoke filling my lungs and coming out my nose like I was a pissed dragon. My eyes stared blankly at the wall, but that wasn't were I was looking, faintly, in my vision, the scene played over and over, his eyes widening on fear at the sight of me, just as he was about to run for it I shoved him into the brick wall and his knees buckle under him, making his small frame drop to the ground, completely at my disposal.

He doesn't fucking deserve it, he deserves to be held and protected and happy and smile like the world isn't slowly crumbling in flames, just the way he used to, guilt sat heavier on my heart, it hurt, even though I was to blame for everything it fucking hurt, it has been ever since I started, but it's too late for forgiveness, I don't know where to stop but I know there's no way he's gonna forgive me after wasting two precious years of his life he could've spent enjoying being alive.

All because I couldn't man up and handle my feelings.

I'm not making excuses, that was never in my character, but it is the reason I became the asshole I am today, a shitty reason to become a shitty human. My sight wavered between reality and the repeated flashback as the ashes from the cigarette landed on the floor, "Goddamn it Finn, snap the fuck out of it and pay attention before I let my mom snap your back" My friend growled as he went to grab something.

My eyes followed him before looking at the coffee table and flicking the rest of the ashes into the ashtray and taking another drag, standing up and stretching then walking over to the front door, contemplating leaving or staying for another hour, "oh no you fuckin don't, get back here and sit the hell down, we were in the middle of something" My friend came back with a damp cloth and cleaned the ashes in a swipe.

A sigh slipped past my lips and I went to go plop back down on the couch, he was so demanding, soon the cigarette was stubbed out but my thoughts never did calm down.

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Later in the week

School was making me lose brain cells, only one or two of my classmates each period were actually using their head the entire time, everyone else was retarded and being around them made me almost pop a blood vessel, my feet stopped midway from taking me outside to go smoke at the scene in front of me.

A dude I've seen once or twice in my homeroom had him, Tyler, pinned to the lockers in a obviously intimidating manner, smirking and slowly winding his hand back, I had no right to be angry:

But I saw red.

Before I could even sense I moved I was next to the pair and grabbing the hood of the dudes jacket, yanking him back hard enough for that alone to hurt like a bitch then slammed his face and chest into the locker, pulling Tyler to me in the process so he wouldn't get hurt, the metal rattled and shook from the force, creating a sound loud enough for people in classrooms to hear it. The dude crumbled to the floor as soon as I let him go groaning in pain, the side of his head and his nose were pouring blood and there was a huge red spot on the dent in the locker where his face had just been, served him right for even daring to lay a finger on the angel I wish I could call mine.

As my breathing and heart calmed down I remembered my arm was still around Tyler, his body was shaking almost violently against me, his honey colored eyes wide in shock and fear as he stared at the dude on the floor, I'm sure if it weren't for me holding him his knees would buckle and he'd be presses up against the wall, I don't think he's seen or feel me use that much brute strength before. I gently grabbed his jaw and slowly moved his head to see if there were any marks, then looked at his neck and arms, there was nothing there besides an old bruise on his bicep, he stared at me with a mix of emotions as I moved him around with a feather light touch.

After I was done I let go of him and took a step back, looking down at the dude who was still laying on the floor but he had passed out somewhere in the short time I looked away from him, I flipped him off then walked towards the doors, planning to grab a smoke like none of this happened.

The rest of the day goes by smoothly besides a trip to the principal's office and getting suspended for two weeks, as I exited the school for the last time for a while I thought about what happened earlier, even though I did it out of blind rage, it felt like this was what I could use to slowly get out of the hole I dug for myself and mending whatever good me and Tyler had two years ago, the thought of that happening made me smile wider then I have for a long time.

As I rounded the corner to head towards the back of the school I saw him, standing against the wall with his phone in his hands typing away, as my eyes stayed focus on him something in my head snapped and before I could stop the urges and mentally bitch slap myself I was over to him and roughly slammed my hands onto the brick wall, he jumped and then looked up at me with a nervous smile, it was almost enough to get me to come to my senses, but unfortunately wasn't enough.

"Why didn't you fight back?" I barked before he could even open his mouth.

Tyler stared at me confused, slowly putting his phone away, "why the fuck do you always just stand there and take it?!" He jumped again at my tone and pressed his back further into the wall.

His silence only made me more pissed, I knew why he didn't hit back, against most people if he were to throw a punch it'd be more likely he breaks his hand then cause any damage, it wasn't worth it, but in my clouded, rage filled head I wanted to hear it from him, I wanted to hear an answer to the question I've been asking myself for two years:

Why didn't he just hit me back?

That sentence echoed in my head as my hand roughly connected with his cheek when he still kept silent, it wasn't nearly as hard as when I slammed that guy into the locker but it was hard enough to send him to the ground, regret instantly filled me but it wouldn't register in my mind, I repeatedly mumbled why under my breath as my hands and foot continued to beat his fragile body but couldn't tell if I was still asking him my question or asking myself why until I saw blood.

More regret and guilt filled me, making my chest tight to the point it burned and I couldn't breathe, but instead of finally snapping out of it I just stood there for a minute then walked away.

Why am I so shitty?

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A few days later

I scrunched my nose up at the wall of sent that hit my face, it was slightly decent but definitely overwhelming, my eyes scanned the little flower shop seeing if they have what I need, it was tough trying to get through it without gagging while getting a headache. Finally after a bit my eyes land on a vase full of white roses, perfect, "how much are these?"

"Fifteen a flower" The cashier said without even looking at me.

Seriously? Everything is way too overpriced these days, "can I get a small bouquet?"

"Sure" He still didn't look at me, rude.

I sighed, my eyebrow twitching and grabbed the vase, putting it on the counter right in front of the cashier's face, forcing him to look up from his phone, "I'd like to turn these into a bouquet please"

Twenty minutes later I was walking out with a hand full of roses and an intense urge to smoke, but kept my cigarette pack in its hidy hole in the car and started the drive to my next destination, letting the silence bring my thoughts out. I parked in the lot of the huge white-ish grey building and made my way inside, running my hand through my hair nervously, "hi, um, I'm here to see Tyler Ray?"

The receptionist looked up at me then typed into the computer, "relations?"

"A... Friend of sorts, just here for a quick visit"

"Room number is 205 but the doctor might be prohibiting visitors at the moment"

"It's fine I'll only be a second"

She nodded and pointed towards the elevators, I mumbled a quick thank you then speed walked towards it, once I was finally there, at the door way to the room reality hit me in the gut again, this was because of me, if I hadn't snapped or at least tried to control my sudden rage he wouldn't be in a hospital.

"Are you lost?" A nurse asked.

"N-no, just got burried in thoughts"

He looked into the room then back at me "he's sleeping right now, you can come back in an hour though"

"It's fine I'm just here to drop these off"

The nurse stared at me for a bit longer, making me very uncomfortable, then nodded "be quick and don't make any noise"

I nodded back and quickly went into the room, taking a shaky breath as my eyes landed on Tyler, he looked mostly fine except the very faint outlines of bruises and a dark noticeable hand print on his face, my chest tightened again but I couldn't stand there staring for hours so my eyes scanned the room to find a spot for the flowers, the only place clean enough was on the bed so I silently walk up to it and gently place it on the empty spot next to him, freezing when he shifts slightly then quickly walk out the room when he stays asleep.

I promise to be better, he doesn't deserve this, he doesn't need this, I promise to get my shit together for him, even if he never accepts me again.

He really doesn't deserve this.

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This one is a little different from what I usually write but it was fun none the less.

If you want a part two just comment and I'll happily write it!