Ella

There's not much left inside of me that has feeling. Not right now, at least, not as I stand on a sandy hill just outside of the base, and watch Hunter's ceremony take place. It was nothing special, nothing heroic, just burying him under the sand, before his friends will say a few words. I should be down there, giving his eulogy, making jokes about old memories we made together. He was a large part of my world, but no money or anything else could make me go down there. He's not there, not anymore, and I don't need to stand near his grave, telling him how I felt about him, when he knew exactly how I felt. It took enough of Dean, Mark, and Carol to force me out of bed this morning. I barely slept last night, even with Dean lying next to me, and I wonder what's going to happen now.

The guns are burning near his ceremony, where a large crowd of survivors stand. A large crowd that never knew him, not like I did. Certain ones are only there to pay their respects, after hearing how he died to help save them all.

This morning was chaos, as everyone found out what happened last night. I'm just glad it's over, I'm glad yesterday was over, it was the longest day I think I've ever lived.

They decided to burn the guns today instead of yesterday, resulting in a large pile of fire arms not far from where the crowd is standing. I'm glad the guns are gone, for we don't need anymore deaths, especially not after last night and all the Guards that died from revenging Hunter. That's all it was, and I know it--a revenge massacre.

I can still feel his blood on me, even though I scrubbed and scrubbed it away. My skin feels heavy where the red liquid once touched me, and I wipe away the tears that are streaming down my face, from the reminder of Hunter taking his last breath in my arms. I should be down there at his ceremony, but I can't be down there.

The tears fall even faster, and I sit down on the sand, my legs not feeling as if they could hold me any longer. I lost a brother of mine yesterday, a friend, an anchor, a shoulder to cry on. I lost a memory, a laughter, a smile. I lost a great person, and this is the second time losing him.

The asteroid taking out my town was bad on it's own, that having to go through this all over again is making everything worse. What did I ever do to deserve this? I've done wrong in my life, but never to the extent of losing every single person that ever meant anything to me, besides Dean.

My mind wonders back to Brad, and I can't help but think about Dean telling me he was an awful person. I don't miss Brad anymore, especially since I never really knew him. You can't truly miss a person without knowing who they are, for who would you be missing? Someone they pretended to be, or someone you created in your mind, not who they really are.

I wish Hunter wasn't gone this time, that he was just hiding somewhere, before walking out and telling me he wouldn't leave me. This isn't like that, however, for I watched them place his lifeless body in the hole they dug out for him. This is real life, and like I said, real life doesn't have any happily ever afters.

The wind caresses my face, mixing my hair with my tears. I'm crying so hard, from losing my family, to Hunter, to everything else, that no noise is even coming out. I'm a mess, and everything has finally caught up to me, in the worst possible ways. All the pain from the past, present, is all inside and eating away at my soul.

What is going to happen now? Where is everyone going to go? The meteor shower should almost be over now, so what is going to happen to all the survivors inside the base? What is going to happen to Mark and Carol? What is going to happen to Dean?

I watch everyone walk back inside the base, leaving me alone out here on the hill with my thoughts and the burning guns. I try to get my mind off of my best friend who's death is mainly my fault. There is only one thing that I know is possible to get Hunter off of my mind, and that's Dean.

I force myself to think about him, and push Hunter's dead body from my thoughts. The first thing I think about when my mind wonders to Dean, is how it felt to kiss him. How my body was so alive and humming with this electric feeling that I've never once felt in all of the years I've lived. I've never felt so needed and wonderful, and I'm not too sure if I'll ever feel that way again. The only way I'll ever feel so alive once again, is if he kisses me, and I don't know if I'd let him do that again.

I remember when I realized I hated Dean, and I really really hated him. My insides would turn just thinking about him, and every time I seen those yellow eyes, I wanted to punch them. Twenty-five days ago I wanted to punch him, but all of that changed during this trip. I never could have imagined that in such a short time, we would be in this complicated relationship that we're in. I know we're friends, but I think Dean wants to be more. With every look and touch he carries out, I can't help but know that he does, especially since he claims to love me.

Despite the situation and sadness from what's going on, and the tears that are still falling down my face, I can't help but get butterflies from the fact that Dean told me he loved me. No matter if nothing ever happens between us, I don't think I'll ever get used to knowing that Dean loved me, whether it was only for a moment or for forever, Dean Schloric loved me.