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Rafaelle Liza Guevarra – Arandia's

It has been a week since Jaqueline and her fiancé arrived in the hacienda and those weeks for me are torture. Halos hindi ako lumalabas ng silid ko. I'll only go out if I needed to eat. Ayoko namang magkaroon ng suspicion si Mama, also, I didn't want to be rude to Jaqueline, ang tagal naming hindi nagkikita, hindi pwedeng maisip niyang iniiwasan ko siya. Jaqueline has no idea about what happened to me and her fiancé. I shouldn't be treating her any less.

"Hoy, may sakit ka ba?" I was a bit startled when Santi barged in my room that afternoon. I was making myself busy with my designs. Pan Vejar – Birada and I already talked, and she wants me to design for her new summer collection. Tinanggap ko naman iyon, I guess it would be a great training for me while I decide where I will pursue my masters. Also, now that I am thinking about it, it's a good distraction for me too.

"What?" I stared at Santi. He is in his cliché haciendero outfit. May hawak pa siyang cowboy hat. Napanguso na lang ako. "What are you doing in my room? Did you even knock? Hindi ko narinig."

"May sakit ka ba?" Pabalang na tanong niya sa akin. The door opened again and Kuysa Sabello entered. He was grinning like a maniac. Okay naman ako sa mga kapatid ko. I admit that at first I felt like an outcast but my brothers, Sabello and Ross, they are making me feel welcome, ganoon rin si Kuya Fonso, he's always making sure that I am feeling okay. Siguro kasi naiintindihan niya rin ang nararamdaman ko. I once heard him say that no matter what happen, no matter how good our brothers are treating him, it would never change the fact that he is the illegitimate child of Don Paeng at Tita Luisa. I feel that way sometimes, lalo na tuwing nakikita ko sila Ross, Sabello, Ate Mona at Santi na nagbibiruan kasama si Don Paeng. They were always including me, they were trying to make me feel like it's okay for me to be with them and I am thankful, kaya lang nasanay na akong nag – iisa kaya hindi ko nakakaramdam ako ng hiya na i-include ang sarili ko sa kanila. For me, every time they're inviting me, I feel like a stranger ruining the family moment – and that hurts a lot.

"What's happening?" I asked Sabello. "Bakit tinatanong niya kung may sakit ako? Kailan pa siya nagkaroon ng pakialam sa akin?" I smile but deep inside I kept on feeling that bitterness. Sa lahat sa kanila, si Santi ang walang abog na nagpaparamdam sa akin na hindi ako belong sa pamilyang ito. I am trying my best to understand him, but sometimes, I feel like he just plainly hates me because quote and unquote "I am stealing his spot."

"Sabi ko busy ka lang. Ang kulit nito eh. H'wag mong istorbohin si Yafa, marami siyang ginagawa!"

"Bwisit ka talaga eh!" Sabi ni Santi kay Kuya Sabello. "Gusto ko lang malaman kung bakit nagkukulong siya rito. Baka mamaya sisihin na naman ako ni Papa dahil hindi siya naglalabas. Sabihin inaaway ko na naman siya! Bwisit iyang mukha mo!"

"So, bwisit rin iyong mukha ni Kuya Ross kasi kambal sila ni Kuya Sab?" I teased him. Napatingin silang dalawa sa akin. As if on cue, biglang pumasok rin sa silidd na iyon si Kuya Ross. Kunot na kunot ang noo niya.

"I heard my name."

"Bwisit daw iyong mukha mo, sabi ni Santi." Bigla akong tumawa pagkasabi ko noon dahil nalukot ang mukha ng kambal. I was giggling like a little kid, napalakas pa iyon nang hampasin ni Kuya Ross si Santi sa ulo nito.

"Wala akong sinasabi and also, hindi naman kayo magkamukha! Fraternal kayong dalawa!"

"Nakaka-offend pa rin iyon!" Sigaw ni Kuya Ross. "Anyway, I'm going horseback riding, isasama ko si Ditas, sumama ka rin." Sa pagkakataong iyon ay nakatingin sa akin ang kapatid ko. Napabuntong – hininga ako. There's that feeling again. Pakiramdam ko masisira ko na naman ang family bonding nila.

"I have loads of things to do. Bukas may meeting kami ni Pan for the sketches. Pass muna ako ha?" I smiled at the three of them. Tumango na lang si Ross. Lumapit siya sa akin para haplusin ang ulo ko. He always ruffles my hair, I realized that he's always doing that whenever, whatever his reason is, most of the time, it makes me feel good. I looked up to him, I found his eyes on me.

"You're here now, Yafa, we're family, okay?" I nodded at him. He gave me a faint smile and then he tugged Santi and Sabello away from my room. Naiwan akong nakaupo sa carpeted floor habang tinitingnan ang nagkalat na sketches ko. I sighed. I really want to go horseback riding with him. I wanted him to teach me how – lagi kasing ipinagmamalaki ni Ate Bella na napakagaling raw mangabayo ng kapatid ko, pero nahihiya akong magsabi sa kanya.

I busied myself with the sketches. I am really trying hard to distract myself from all the things happening around me. Iniiwasan kong makialam sa moments ng mga kapatid ko, iniiwasan ko si Jaque, iniiwasan ko rin si Felipe.

For the last few days I became very aware of his presence. Hindi ko man siya nakakasalubong, pero palagi ko naman siyang nakikita, just like this morning, I saw him walking with Jaque. They were holding hands and he seemed so happy and content with her.

I always tell myself that all I want is his happiness but when it's finally happening, hindi ko naman maiwasang masaktan. Hindi ko maiwasang tanungin sa sarili ko kung bakit ko basta na lang pinakawalan ang chance ko sa kaligayahan? What was I thinking? Felipe loved me, he did. I felt it in his actions, I saw it with my eyes. He loved me, but I was too scared and too distracted. Hindi ko siya kayang panindigan noon.

I always pray for him, I wanted him to find the things I couldn't give him, but now that he's here and he is clearly moved on and happy, nawawasak naman ang puso ko. Tama sila, nasa huli ang pagsisisi kasi ngayon, wala akong ibang gustong gawin kundi ang takbuhin si Felipe, yakapin siya nang mahigpit at sabihing mahal ko pa rin siya.

Yes, I love him so much but I was too stupid. I let him go. I had a feeling that he was my last and only chance in happiness and love but I let it all go because someone else needed me. I wiped my tears. Medyo nagulat pa akong naiyak ako. I wasn't aware of it, nakita ko lang na may tumulong tubig sa sketch pad ko. I took a deep breath. I need to stop. I need a breather. Nagdesisyon akong lumabas ng silid ko. I took one of Mama's shawl that I was keeping in my closet and decided to walk around the hacienda.

Malaki ang lupain, hindi naman siguro kaming magkikita ni Felipe o ni Jaqueline. I took my phone and my umbrella and left my room. The hallway is clear. Tahimik rin ang paligid. Siguro ay wala silang lahat. It's only four in the afternoon, everyone is still doing their own thing. Maybe Santi, Ross and Sabello went out. Wala si Aelise, sabi ni Sab, umuwi raw muna ang hipag ko sa parents niya sa Metro and she'll be back tomorrow. Si Ate Bella naman ay nasa kabilang lupain, Ate Mona is at their home. Doon ako pupunta ngayon. Makikipaglaro ako kina Mela.

I left the mansion. Tinatahak ko ang daan patungo sa shortcut papunta sa kabilang lupain. A year ago, Don Paeng and Kuya Fonso decided to break the bakod in the middle of the hacienda to make a short cut. Mas madali nang makapunta ngayon sa kabilang lupain, mahabang lakarin nga lang, but I love walking, it clears my mind, and it calms me.

I was in the middle of my walk when I heard my name being called. I cursed mentally when I recognized Jaque's voice. Hindi na ako pwedeng bumalik at umarteng hindi ko siya narinig o nakita dahil nagtama ang paningin naming dalawa. The worst part of it is that she's with Felipe – and Felipe is wearing that fucking cliché haciendero fashion – plaid flannel shirt, white sando, sira – sirang pantalon with matching cowboy boots and a cowboy hat, and he's fucking sweaty and I hate my mind for bringing back memories of the two of us, doing sweaty but hot and dirty activities inside the bedroom, the bathroom and the verandah of a certain house at a certain island in Malta.

Fuck.

But I smiled at them and I stopped walking.

"Kaloka ka pinsan! One week na ako rito pero hindi pa kita nakakakwentuhan!" Jaque hugged me. I had to hug her back. "Noong first day lang kita nakausap nang mahaba!"

"Sorry, I'm kind of busy, may tinatapos akong sketches. Are you enjoying your stay here?" My eyes flew to Felipe's direction for a while. He was just standing beside Jaque, he wasn't even showing any emotions in his face, and I guess that's okay.

But deep inside my heart, I am hurting. He used to look at me with so much admiration, sometimes amusement when he finds me cute but that's over now. Sigurado akong ganoon ang tingin niya ngayon kay Jaque – as he should. Jaque is a kind person, she deserves every good thing in the world.

"Yes! Mabait si Tito Paeng pala! Tinuturuan niya si Felipe sa lupa and such. He's enjoying, diba, Felipe?"

"Oo. Marami akong natutuhan kay Don Paeng. Mabait rin ang mga anak niya."

My mouth parted when I heard his perfect Filipino accent – not the one in those Jokoy's video – Felipe now knows how to speak the language and it sounded sexy as fuck. I had to swallow for a few times and calm my fucking heart that's been beating like a fucking drum inside my chest cavity.

"O diba, ang galing mag-Filipino! Akala mo ha!"

"That's great. I hope you two are learning a lot. Uhm, I'll be going now." I had too. Hindi ko na kaya. Nanginginig ang tuhod ko. Felipe is now looking at Jaqueline. Hindi rin nakalagpas sa akin ang mga kamay nilang magkahawak.

He used to tell me that our hands perfectly fit together. I bit my lower lip. I looked at him, all I want to do is tell him that I miss him and ask him if he can take me back. I want to apologize for the pain that I have caused him. I want him – but I am not that kind of person. Nakita ko kay Mama kung paano iyong pakiramdam ng masaktan at maagawan at paniwalaan na sa mahabang panahon ay hindi ka mahal ng taong mahal mo. I was the only witness of my mother's pain at hinding – hindi ko iyon hahayaang maranasan ng ibang tao.

"Saan ka pupunta? Rafa naman, hindi tayo nakakapag – bonding!" Napapadyak pa si Jaqueline. "Minsan ka na lang umuwi noon, ngayong nandito naman ako, lagi ka namang nagtatago. Magkwentuhan naman tayo, saka I want you to meet Felipe. Actually, I want to ask you to be one of my bridesmaids."

Oh, how I want to cry. Is it not enough that they are here, and I am witnessing the things I could only hope to happen to me and Felipe, do I really have to witness them get married while in my head I am wishing that it should've been me? Cause really, it should be me... I should be the one with him.

"Ano? Rafaelle! Come on! Mag-bonding naman tayo!"

"Baby..." Felipe spoke. Napatingin sa kanya si Jaque. "I don't think your cousin is available right now. Maybe she has some things to do. Maybe you should just let her for now..."

"But..." Mukhang aalma pa si Jaque pero nagsalita muli si Felipe.

"We should just rest for now. Remember, we need to call Avo. I'm sure she's expecting our phone call. We wouldn't want to make her wait, right?"

"But baby, Avo doesn't like me." Now Jaque is just sulking.

"None sense. She likes you." There's a hint of amusement in the tone of Felipe's voice. "She's just shy." I saw how Felipe put his arm around Jaque's shoulder. Oh, how I missed the feeling of his protective arms around me.

Kaunti na lang talaga iiyak na ako.

"Fine." Jaque looked at me. "Mauna na muna kami, pinsan, sana naman mamayang gabi makipag – bonding ka na sa akin, okay?"

"Sure! Sure! Tatapusin ko lang naman itong pangako ko kay Pan Vejar, after that, we can finally bond! See you later!" I waved at them and turned my back as fast as I could. Kasabay ng pagtalikod ko ay ang pagtulo ng mga luha ko.

I kept walking while crying. I didn't want to cry. Nag-aalala akong baka may makakita sa akin. Iyong plano kong pupunta sana ako kina Ate Mona ay hindi na natuloy, instead, I ended up going to the lake near the Kamalig. I dipped my feet in the water and let the tears fall. I really wanted Felipe to be happy. Mabuti akong tao, I left because I couldn't give him what he wanted and what he needed. Malungkot ako, nasasaktan ako but I thought that I was doing well. Iba pala ang pakiramdam kapag kaharap ko na siya.

He finally found his happiness, he seemed contented. It looks like he cares a lot about Jaque and they deserve each other, but why does it fucking hurt so much.

Palakas nang palakas ang hagulgol ko. I was trying to suppress the sounds but biting my lower lip, but I just couldn't anymore. All the frustrations, all the pain and the uncertainties that I am keeping inside of me suddenly wanted to come out and I couldn't help it anymore. I need to cry it out or else I'll explode.

"Yafa?" My crying halted. I looked and I saw Don Paeng walking towards me. Napatayo ako. Hindi niya dapat ako makitang ganito. "What happened? What did Santi do this time?" He stood in front of me. For a while there, I thought that he was gonna hug me, and I really want that. I want someone I can finally lean on.

For years, I tried to stand still and be that strong rock my mother needs. Lahat ginawa ko para ako ang sandalan ng Mama ko, but now, I need someone to be with me. I want to be weak, I want to be taken cared of.

I looked at Don Paeng.

"Can you do me a favor?" I whispered but it was loud enough for him to hear it.

"Yes, anything for you, Yafa."

"Can you not tell Mama that you saw me like this?"

He was just looking at me, but he nodded. I sobbed again.

"Also, can you hug me? I really, really, really need a hug." Napahagulgol ako nang bigla na lang akong yakapin ni Don Paeng. I clutched on his shirt and cried hard. It feels good to cry on to someone.

For the first time in so many years, I felt the warmth of my father's embrace and it made me cry even more.

"Shhh, let it all out, Yafa. Nandito si Papa, hindi kita pababayaan. I won't let anyone hurt my baby girl."