Happier

Rafaelle's

"Your father's land is exceptional, Rafaelle."

Felipe and I started walking away from the Kamalig. I made sure that we have some distance while walking back to the main house. I kept on looking straight. He was beside me, and no matter how much I want to bask in his presence, I needed to distract myself. I need to think of something else, because if I'll focus on him, I might fall into the subspace again – just like what almost happened earlier. I heard him take a deep breath. Huminto rin siya sa paglalakad, dahil roon ay napahinto rin ako, ayoko man ay nilingon ko si Felipe.

He was just being himself and it is wrecking my whole being, but I needed to be strong, he's not mine anymore, or was there even a time that he was mine? It was clear that I was his, I belong to him, heart, body and soul, it's all his, but was he ever mine to begin with? And then, that was when I remembered the ring I left in the drawer beside our bed in Malta, yes, he was mine too – he used to be.

"I'm telling Jaqueline tomorrow that I'll be leaving." Mahinahong wika niya. My heart clenched. Kararating niya lang pero aalis na naman siya? Hindi man lang ako nagkaroon ng pagkakataon para makita siya nang matagal. I know that I am avoiding him like a plague, but I still am very aware of his presence. I want him near, I want to see that he is happy, although it hurts me.

"I see." Napatango na lang ako. "I... well, I thought you said that you like it here?" I asked out of curiosity. Why is he leaving then? Can't he stand my presence here? Kaya nga hindi ako lumalapit sa kanya dahil alam kong maaaring makaramdam siya ng awkwardness, pero hindi pa ba iyon sapat talaga?

"I saw what happened earlier, Rafaelle and I being here is not good for you." Napaawang ang labi ko. Of course, that's why he started talking about pandas. Panda is our safe word, it prevents me from falling deeper. I looked away. Napahawak ako sa bandang leeg ko, I even bit my lower lip, I felt like crying. It shouldn't be like this. It's been years, and ever since the day he decided not to come to the villa in Malta, I haven't been involved with anyone, but still, my body craves for him, my subconscious calls for his command.

I still want him to make me forget and to take care of me. With Felipe, I feel safe and secure, I feel loved and wanted. I sobbed.

"I'm so sorry." I told him. Napabuntong – hininga siya. Hindi ko napansin na lumapit siya sa akin.

"Can I touch you, Rafaelle?" He asked. Felipe is always so calm, he was always asking me if I like the things he's doing, may it be holding my hand or just walking beside me. He was always careful when it comes to dealing with me, he knows what I want, he knows what I need and right now, he could see that I needed to be held.

"Would you want to touch me?" I asked in a low voice.

"Not that way anymore, Rafaelle." Those words suffocated me. Lalo akong napahikbi.

"You can touch me." I sobbed. He held my arm, and slowly, he pulled me closer to him, next thing I knew, I was being enveloped into his warm arms and the feeling of being secure and safe, loved and wanted came back to my senses. I found myself crying hard, sobbing like there is no tomorrow.

My body easily relaxes when it recognized Felipe's touch. Kahit talaga kailan ay hindi ako madaling makalimot.

"I... I'm so sorry, Felipe. For all the pain and the hardships. I'm so sorry."

"I'm sorry too. I'm sorry, I gave you up."

Lalong lumakas ang pag – iyak. Ang sakit – sakit marinig mula sa kanya na isinuko nga niya ako. Ang sakit – sakit hanggang ngayon at hindi ko matanggap na ako mismo ang dahilan kung bakit nawala sa akin ang lalaking mahal ko.

He gave me up. He stopped fighting for me because I couldn't fight for him. I clutched on his shirt tighter, this is the closest I'll get to him. Hindi na ito mauulit kaya tatagalan ko pa. Kasalanan ko ang lahat ng ito.

"Hush now, Rafaelle..." He was caressing my back. "Everything will be okay..."

How? How will it be okay? Hindi ko na siya kasama. Kapag natapos na ang lahat ng ito, ako na lang mag-isa. Wala na siya, how could he say that it will be okay? He gave up on me, and I let him, and that is one of the reasons why I am crying now because I don't have him.

Ang sakit sa parte ko. Totoong pinagdarasal ko ang kasiyahan ni Felipe, I want him to find what I cannot give him but having to see that he is indeed happy without me, it hurts so much. How can he find happiness outside of the world that we built? Was it easy? Ang dami – dami kong tanong pero hindi ko mailabas iyon, hindi ko magawabg alamin ang sagot dahil natatakot akong masasaktan ako sa katotohanang lalabas sa bibig ni Felipe.

After a while, I was able to calm down. Ako na mismo ang lumayo sa kanya. He was looking intently at me, I had to look in his eyes, he always tell me that the eyes are the windows of the soul, and whatever we maybe feeling will be reflected in our eyes, but as I stood there, looking for something in his eyes, my heart broke again for the nth time that night, I couldn't see anything in his eyes. Dati, punong – puno ng fondness iyon kapag nakatingin sa akin, ngayon, he was just looking at me, without emotions – and it hurts so bad.

"Thank you..." I said to him. He sighed again.

"I'm serious. I'll leave tomorrow. I'm, so sorry, Rafaelle. I had no idea that you were related to Jaque." Sabi niya sa akin. Naniniwala naman ako. Felipe will never lie to me. Nagsimula na kaming muling maglakad pabalik sa mansyon. Napuno ng katahimikan ang pagitan naming dalawa. Habang naglalakad ay yakap ko ang sarili ko.

"Where did you meet her?" I asked. I just wanted to know. Maybe I am a masochist. Maybe I wanted to hurt myself more for it to be real. Hanggang ngayon ay nasa denial stage pa rin ako.

"I met her a year ago, in Paris." There was a hint of amusement in his voice. Napalingon ako, I saw him smile. Wala na, finish na talaga. "It was a funny incident, but that was when we started."

"And you proposed to her..."

"Yes, last New Year's Eve..." Parang may bumukig na kung ano sa lalamunan ko.

"Jaqueline is a kind girl. I hope you take care of her." Wala akong ibang masabi. Sa utak ko ay paulit – ulit kong nakikita na nagpo-propose siya kay Jaqueline sa harap ng buong pamilya niya. Felipe always wanted a relationship that he could take to his family, isang bagay na hindi ko naibigay sa kanya. I didn't want anyone finding about us, hindi ako kahit kailan naging handa.

"Thank you... how about you..." I looked at him with my eyes wide. "Oh, I'm sorry." Wika niya, Mukhang alam naman agad niya ang sagot sa tanong niya. I am not seeing anybody. I don't want too, I think I cannot see anyone anymore. Felipe Orejon ruined everybody for me. He's the only one for me. Hulin ang ma-realize ko ang lahat ng iyon, pero sa tingin ko, hindi na iyon basta mababago na lamang.

Huminto kami sa paglalakad nang makarating kami sa front door ng mansion. We were facing each other, we need to say our goodnights now, we need to part ways, but it's just that, I am not ready yet. Felipe always stays true to his words, kapag sinabi niyang aalis siya bukas at aalis siya talaga. He is always considerate of everyone's feelings. Alam kong bukas, pagkagising ko, maaaring wala na sila ni Jaqueline rito, kaya nga gusto ko sanang titigan pa siya nang mas matagal.

"I..." I swallowed hard. "I prayed for your happiness." Ngumiti ako. Hindi ko alam kung para saan pa iyon. Gusto ko lang sabihin sa kanya na ganoon nga ang ginawa ko. "I want you to be happy, Felipe. I want you to find the things I cannot give you, and God heard my prayers." Napahikbi ako. Hindi ko na kayang pigilan pa. "And now you have Jaqueline, but it hurts..."

"Rafaelle..."

"I know you gave up on me because you were never my priority. I know you were tried and I let you. Sa isip ko kasi, hihintayin mo ako. You always tell me that you love me and that you are going to take care of me. I took you for granted and now I am regretting that, Felipe." I made sure that I am looking at his eyes while talking because I want him to see that I am being truthful, that finally, after our so-called relationship, I can say this to him.

"I love you, Felipe. I did, I still do. But you're not mine anymore. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm glad that you chose yourself and gave up, although it hurts me so bad."

"Rafaelle..."

"I deserve it." Sabi ko na lang.

"Rafaelle." He kept calling my name. I was shaking. Hilam na hilam na ang mukha ko sa luha.

"I'm sorry."

"Yafa..." Natigilan ako – even my sobs stopped. He called me Yafa – for the first time since he came here, he called me Yafa. The only people who calls me Yafa are my mom and Daddy Jose, and him... "Please, stop crying."

"I love you..." I kept saying. "Let me say that because this is the last time I'll be crying for you, Felipe. I love you, I love you so muc---"

"Anong ginagawa ninyong dalawa?" Biglang bumukas ang front door at niluwa niyon si Santi. Nakatalikod ako sa kanya kaya hindi niya nakita ang naghahabulang luha ko. I wiped my tears. Felipe cleared his throat and excused himself. Inayos ko naman ang sarili ko saka ako humarap sa kapatid ko.

"Why are you still awake?" I asked him. H was suspiciously looking at me. Naniningkit pa nga ang mga mata niya.

"Are you crying, Rafa?" Tanong niya sa akin.

"Hindi. Napuwing lang ako. Why are you still awake?" I repeated the question.

"Wala, hindi ako makatulog. Umakyat ka na sa taas." Sabi niya sa akin. Hindi ko naman na siya kinibo. Santi is pissed at me because I am breathing. Tanggap ko nang hindi niya ako kahit kailan ituturing na kapatid o kabilang sa pamilyang ito.

"You know..." I stopped my tracks to look back at him. Kasalukuyan niyang isinasara ang pinto. "Mona was the only girl in the family until you came." Hindi ko maintindihan kung anong pinupunto niya. "Hindi tayo magkasundo, but that doesn't mean that I won't do anything if someone hurts you."

Napaawang ang labi ko.

"So if anyone in this house is making you cry or causing you pain, tell, Rafa. Say the name."

"Goodnight, Santi. Kulang ka lang sa tulog." I turned away.