My fault

Felipe's

"You said that you like it here. You said that you were learning a lot from my cousins and my uncle, why are you leaving now, Love?"

If I tell her the truth, would she hate me, or would Jaqueline hate Yafa more? I looked at her for a little longer. I was putting things in my suitcase, still thinking of the things I will have to tell her. Clearly, I cannot tell her about Rafa and what we were before. I don't want to complicate their relationship. Jaqueline is a kind woman, she has a lot of patience and understanding. I've known her for almost two years, and I never saw her lose her temper. I know she is a good person; I just don't want to risk her relationship with Rafa. What she doesn't know won't kill her.

"Felipe, answer me!" She demanded. Oh, she knows what she wants, and she demands for it. I finally give her my full attention. I sat on the edge of the bed, patted the space next to me to make her sit beside me and then I held on to her hand. Jaque has such exquisite hands that the ring I bought her look more extravagant because of her hands.

"I am learning a lot here, and yes, Love, I like it here but I am needed at the office. You know that Ruel is just establishing the company here and he needed more hands." She pouted, but I'm sure she understands. Mas mabuti sigurong iyon na lang ang dahilang alam niya kaysa ang kung anopaman. I wouldn't want to be the reason of any fit between her and Rafa. Rafaelle, I guess she's been through so much, ayoko nang makadagdag pa.

I've known Rafaelle for a long time. I met her on a summer day in Italy. She was vacationing alone and I happened to be in the same situation. Back then, I was so in love with her that I did think that the reason why we kept on meeting back in Italy is because of the fates, it was romantic to think that we are destined to meet. She was way too young for my liking but I felt the need to be next to her so I pursued her. I flew to New York to take that chance. Rafaelle, at first was reluctant to let me in. She kept on telling me that she doesn't want a relationship because if ever she has one, it will never be her priority, and I told her that it's fine because I like her that much and I am willing to wait for her – no matter how long it takes.

My grandmother always tells me that I have an excellent kind of patience. I enjoy waiting, especially when I think about the reward that I am gonna have at the end of that waiting, so, I waited for Rafa. I have accepted the fact that I am not on top of her list. Her list goes like this; her mom, her studies, her work, and anything else that comes after that and I will always be last, pero paulit – ulit kong sinasabi sa kanya na okay lang sa akin basta uuwi siya sa akin, and whenever she is with me, I make her feel home, I make her feel that she can trust me and that she can bear her soul to me.

It didn't take long before Rafa became comfortable, slowly, she shows me the real her. Hindi ako nabigla nang makita ko ang parte ng pagkatao niyang puro bubog at sugat, I nurtured her and sheltered her as long as I could, I guess that was how we developed our dynamics – the baby girl and the daddy alter ego. Rafa has security issues. All her life she fought hard to be independent and happy, but she lacks of assurance from her family and the feeling of security and that was what I give her...

Minahal ko siya nang lubos. I am loyal and faithful, back then, I only want her that is why I made sure that she knows that. Wala akong ibang babae, hindi ako nag-e-entertain ng ibang babae, for me, it was only Rafaelle, if it's not her, then there's no one...

But no matter how patient I am, Rafaelle had worn it out. I got tired of waiting, and I gave up – but before I did that, I gave her an ultimatum. It's her and me or her and her issues. Pwede ko namang yakapin lahat ng issues niya, I am willing to take care of her, if she'll just choose me.

Now, here we are, she didn't choose me. Obviously, we chose something else, now we're walking on different paths and it just... I can't even explain it. Just imagine my surprise when I saw her embracing my fiancé that morning when we came here. Hindi ko alam at wala akong ideya na si Rafa at si Jaque ay magpinsan. I never thought that I'd see her again. I wasn't even ready to see her. My presence here isn't good for her. Kaya kailangan kong umalis. I respect Rafaelle and I want her to feel better even if we're not together anymore.

"Hmmm. Fine. I understand naman, Felipe. You'll leave tonight?" Jaque asked while she was fixing my hair. I only nodded at her. She nuzzled my neck. I felt her sighing. Hinayaan ko lang siya sa ganoong puwesto dahil alam kong kailangan naman niya. Jaque's language of love is touch and I always make sure to give that to her. I kept on caressing her back until we heard a knock on the door. Jaqueline sighed before she stood up to open it. I saw her cousin – Ross, I nodded at him before he talked to Jaqueline.

"Sabi ni Papa, nagpaalam na raw pala iyang si Felipe na babalik na muna ng Metro. Nagpahanda si Mama ng tanghalian para sa kanya sa may sapa. Sunod kayo roon ha."

"Okay, Kuya Ross. Ay, wait, si Rafa?"

"Nandoon na yata. Isinabay na siya ni Mona Liza kanina. Sunod kayo. Hintayin naming kayo ni Isabella sa baba." I nodded again before Ross left. I guess this is the last thing I'll be doing for Jaque today. Kung ako naman kasi ang tatanungin, ayoko nang makahalubilo si Rafa. As I said, my presence here is not good for her, I just hope and pray that things will be as they are when we get there.

The last thing I need is for Rafa to fall into her subspace – that will be hard for both of us.

xxxx

Rafaelle's

I DIDN'T get much sleep last night. Ang akala ko dahil nag – usap na kami ni Felipe at nasabi ko na sa kanya ang mga bagay na nais kong sabihin ay magiging magaan na ang pakiramdam ko kaya lang hindi pa rin pala. I spent the remaining hours of the night crying like a little girl who is so afraid of death. As a young kid, the topic of death had always scared me; what if I die, who would take care of my mother? Or what if Mama dies, who will be taking care of me? Those things scare me. Last night, I felt those again and I couldn't stop crying. I wanted more of Felipe. I want that feeling of security whenever I am around him. I never felt like that towards anyone.

"Rafa, are you alright?" Boses ni Kuya Fonso ang nagpabalik sa akin sa reyalidad. I was sitting under the big acacia tree holding a book pretending to be reading. Kailangan ko ng props para hindi nila mapansin na ayokong nandito dahil ayokong makita si Felipe ngayon. Hindi sa kung anupaman, but it's just that, I feel embarrassed seeing him. I have told him my deepest darkest secret – the fact that up until now – I am in love with him. Nasa huli talaga ang pagsisisi. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako natatakot noon, kung bakit hindi ko magawang ilagay si Felipe sa pedestal tulad ng ginagawa niya sa akin.

I smiled at Kuya Fonso. I had always liked him. Kahit na noong hindi ko pa kami close sa isa't isa. I like him, siguro iyon ang tinatawag nilang lukso ng dugo. He's always so nice to me, he always makes sure that I am comfortable, or if I am feeling well. Nakakatuwa talaga siya.

"Yes, Kuya, thank you. But where is Mela? Si Nala lang ang nandito." Umikot ang mga mata ko para hanapin ang pamangkin ko. Juan Raphael, their new baby boy is here with Mona. He's breastfeeding, si Nala ay nakakandong kay Mama while Mama was talking with Mamang Luisa. We are all here now because my parents want to send Felipe with a good intention. Inimbita na rin nila ang mga Birada para raw mas masaya and truth be told, masaya ang lahat dahil sa mga batang walang sawang nagtatakbuhan sa kapaligiran.

Pan and Toto were playing with all the kids, si Pepe – my new friend – is chasing his kids with some of Toto's children. Basta nakakatuwa silang lahat. Kung naiba lang ang sitwasyon, siguro nakikipaglaro na rin ako sa kanila, it's just that my heart is so heavy now... I want this done...

"Felipe is here na..." I heard my sister saying. Tumingala ako at nakita kong dumating na ang sasakyan ni Ross at ni Ate Isabella. Sabay na bumaba ang mag – asawa, sumunod si Jaque na nakahawak na sa kamay ni Felipe. Our gazes met and I felt my heart beating so fast. I was suddenly caught by the memories, and it is suffocating me. Ang hirap na makitang masaya siya kasama ng iba, nahihirapan ako, but I know that whatever he has now, he deserves it because he is a good person.

I just gave Felipe a slight nod and a small smile, he smiled back – napakalaking bagay na niyon para sa akin.

"There it is again!" Biglang nagsalita si Santi. Nagulat ako dahil hindi ko alam na naroon na pala siya. "She's sad! Are you sick? Masama ba ang pakiramdam mo? Kagabi iyak ka nang iyak!"

"Shhh!" Napatayo ako dahil napakalakas ng bibig niya. Baka marinig kami ni Mama at iyon ang pinaka ayokong mangyari, ang marinig niyang umiiyak ako. My mother had been through a lot. Ngayon palang siya nagiging masaya at ngayon ko lang nakikita na talagang pinahahalagahan siya ng mga tao sa paligid niya, the last thing I want is for her to be sad again just because of me.

"Why are you blabbering so much?"

"Why were you crying last night?" Punong – puno ng pag – aalala ang boses ni Ate Mona. Napatingin rin ako kay Kuya Fonso na nakakunot ang noo sa akin. Napakadaldal naman kasi ni Santi! Nakakainis!

"I was watching a Korean Drama last night and it's nakakaiyak. Wala naman akong dahilan para umiyak, so why are you making a big deal about it?" Tiningnan ko si Crisanto. He was huffing. Nakahalukipkip pa siya habang nakatitig sa akin. Then, he faced Mona.

"I'm telling you something is wrong with her! I bet it has something to do with that Felipe guy!"

"Ewan ko sa'yo! Inggit ka lang kasi hindi ka na bunso!" I marched away from my siblings. Hindi ko talaga maintindihan kung bakit ngayon pa naisip ni Santi na makialam sa buhay ko. Why is he suddenly so aware of everything else around me? I sighed. I went to the other side of the sapa. Mas malapit iyon kina Felipe. I could see how attentive Jaque is with him. Inaasikaso siya nito, nilalagyan ng pagkain sa plato, halos subuan na niya and the smile on Felipe's face was so genuine that it hurts my heart. I hate the pain, not the sight.

I have decided to walk away... I needed to be somewhere else, not here. Hindi ko napansing nakarating na ako sa itaas ng burol. I could see my family from here. I could still hear their laughter and the banters, nakikita kong masaya silang lahat, si Papa ay tinatapik – tapik pa ang balikat ni Felipe – isang eksenang talagang nagpangiti sa akin. Oh how I wish the two most important men in my life can get along like that – pero alam ko namang hindi mangyayari talaga.

I sat under the tree again and closed my eyes. I wanted to rest for a bit, to feel the nature around me, hindi ko na napansin na sobrang na-relax ako, nakatulog ako. When I opened my eyes, I found Felipe beside me. I almost had my head on his shoulder. Kaagad naman akong tumayo. He gave me a small smile and I was gone again.

"What are you doing here? Where are the others?" Kapansin – pansin ang pananahimik ng paligid. Wala nang mga batang nagtatawanan pero nakita kong nasa ibaba pa rin ang mga magulang ko.

"Jaque and the others went to the kaparangan – just the center of the hacienda. They're going to try to make those kites fly." Paliwanag ni Felipe sa akin. I only nodded. "I saw you here. I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to formally say goodbye." He offered me his hand. Inalalayan niya akong tumayo kaya ngayon ay magkaharap na kaming dalawa.

"Thank you, Felipe." Wala naman akong ibang magagawa at masasabi sa kanya kundi ang magpasalamat. Hindi man kaming dalawa ang naiwanan sa huli, marami pa rin akong magagandang alaala kapag kasama ko si Felipe. Felipe made me feel that I am the most wonderful, most beautiful and most important person whenever we are together. Mahal na mahal niya ako, he doesn't say it much, but I know that he loves me, he always makes me feel it, makes sure that I know it and makes sure he shows it. Walang pagkukulang si Felipe, ako lang talaga.

"Maybe another lifetime..." He suddenly said to me. I nodded.

"Maybe..."

We looked at each other for a little while. Felipe smiled and touched my face. He gave me a light peck on my right cheek before he finally turned around. I watched him as he leaves. Punong – puno ng panghihinayang ang puso ko...

Kasalanan ko ang lahat...

I could only stand there and cry as he leaves. Wala nang pagkakataon, kasalanan ko ang lahat ng ito...