Rafaelle's

THE MOMENT I realized that my Tinder account is flying off, I became so nervous. It was a spur of the moment thing. Mukha akong tangang iniisa – isa ang mga message sa akin ng kung sino – sino. There was even a guy asking me "ARE YOU LOST BABY GIRL?" and that is so creepy so I blocked him immediately. Hindi ko dapat ginawa iyon. Online dating isn't really my thing. Dating is NOT really my thing. I met Felipe in the streets of Italy. Sinuwerte lang ako kaya ko siya nakilala pero pagkatapos noon ay wala namang nangyari. If he didn't pursue me before, wala namang mangyayari. I would've died a virgin if he didn't become my boyfriend.

"What is that?" I didn't realize Pan was snooping around near me. We were having a lunch break in our combined office. Nasa last stage na kami ng planning para sa launch ng aming clothing line. Everything is set at tuloy na tuloy na talaga ang show naming this coming weekend. The models are now in their last fitting, adjustments in the garments are being done, the hotel function hall is booked, and I have drawn each of the look the models will have at the show. Nararamdaman at nakikita ko na talaga ang first collection ko. Thanks to Pan for trusting in me so much.

"OH! YOU'RE ON TINDER?!!! YOU'RE DATING?! LIKE O TO THE M TO THE G! I'M SO MASAYA FOR YOU LIKE FUCK!!!" Napalakas ang boses ni Pan kaya napatingin sa amin ang mga nakapalibot sa loob ng office niya. Nanlalaki pa ang mga mata ko. Tinakpan ko ang bibig niya para hindi siya mag – ingay masyado.

"Pan, bakit ang ingay mo." Natatawang wika ko. I feel a lot better since our talk. Palagay ko ang kailangan ko lang naman talaga ay makakausao and I have Pan now. Hindi na ako dapat masyadong mag-isip ng kung ano – ano. I should be happy because my life is where it is now. My parents are happy, my siblings are at peace too. Panahon na talaga para ako naman ang maging masaya pero hind isa Tinder.

"It's just a spur of the moment thing." I told her. Tumawa si Pan.

"Is there such thing? Why can't you sabi that you like it? Anyway, I'm so masaya naman for you kasi you're making subok again! Malay mo, you'll kilala a lot of potential boyfriends there! Or! Or! You'll meet an AFAM!"

"Anong AFAM?"

"Duh?! AFAM means - A FOREIGNER ALREADY IN MANILA! OMG! You didn't know that?!"

"Pan, most of the time, I have no idea what you're saying. I just nod so you won't get offended. Like, bakit hindi ka pa pwedeng magsalita nang paganito." Pan was pouting, oh she was so cute, napahagikgik tuloy ako.

"Eyyy! Why ba naman kasi? I was raised like this no! Saka my Papa used to think that it's cute because I talk like my Mama." Napakatulis pa rin naman ng nguso niya. Tumawa na lang ako. I looked at my phone again, it beeped and even before I look at the message, alam kong sa Tinder galing iyon. Napailing ako, pinagsisihan ko talaga iyong ginawa kong pag – sign up dito. I mean, I am a normal human gbeing, I should meet other people in a normal way. I made a mental note to delete the app later. I looked at Pan.

"Pan, do you know single men?"

"Of course, I do! You wanna date some of them?"

"I mean, sure? I realized that I should be dating so that I won't get stuck thinking of my ex."

"Awww! I love that you are trying, Rafaelle!" Sabi ni Pan sa akin. "But you know in order for you to be happy, you should let it all out." Ngumiti na naman si Pan sa akin. I don't know what she knows about me. Ang dating ni Pan sa iba ay mahadera, mayabang at dominante, but in real life she has a high Emotional IQ. She's observant and empathetic. Sabi naman niya sa akin, hindi naman daw siya ganoon dati, but when she married into Toto's family, she learned a lot of new things.

"Wha—"

"Oh goodie! My Towtowh is here!" Pan stood up to greet her husband. Tangay ni Toto ang dalawa nilang anak na babae – si Karmela at Karissa. Si Kasandra ay naiwanan sa Bulacan, sa bahay ni Mamang. They will be attending the fashion show on the weekends kaya makakasama rin naman nila ang bunso nila.

I watched the family as they interact. Nakakaramdam ako ng inggit – hindi dahil pamilyado na si Pan, naiinggit lang ako dahil may inuuwian si Pan sa gabi. All I have is my family but most of the time, I feel like I do not belong with them.

The day passed by lightly. Hindi na umalis ng office ni Pan sina Toto at ang mga anak niya. Pan was teaching her girls how to ser and the girls are all enjoying the activity. Kami naman ni Toto ay panaka – nakang nagkukwentuhan.

"So how does it feel having Papang with you again?" I was always curious about this. Last year, nagkaroon nang napakalaking gulo sa lupain ng mga Birada dahil sa pagbabalik ng Papang nila – even my Mom and Don Paeng – well Papa was shook when this happened. I remember Mama crying that night. I know that she was good friends with Don Juan and she was only crying because of happiness. Papa, on the other hand, felt a bit guilty – for what I didn't know. Ang mahalaga ay naging maaayos silang lahat.

"Nakakatuwa, na nakakailang. Minsan nakakalimutan kong buhay si Papang pero tuwing nakikita ko kung gaano kasaya si Mamang, naiisip kong ayos naman pala ang lahat. Tapos iyong mga bata, enjoy na enjoy rin sa lolo nila. Kumbaga, Rafa, all is well."

"I'm so happy for you, Toto." Tinapik ko pa ang balikat niya. I sometimes envy their family. Nakikita ko kasing tanggap nila ang isa't isa despite of it all. Ate Mona is only their half – sister and Fonso is only their half – brother pero tanggap na tanggap nila ang isa't isa.

I may look like I don't care about Santi and what he says to me, but sometimes, especially when I am down, napakasakit para sa akin ang mga sinasabi niya. Ayoko lang ng gulo kaya hindi na lang ako nagsasalita pagdating sa kanya pero siya rin naman ang napipikon sa akin kaya okay lang.

At exactly five in the afternoon, all our works halted. We needed to go home. If there is one thing unique about Pan, except for the way she talks, it's her time – awareness. Kapag sinabi niyang five in the afternoon ang uwi, uuwi talaga ang lahat and that's why I am going home now. Nasa lobby pa lang ako ng office ni Pan ay namataan ko na agad si Mama. She was sitting on one of the chairs in the lounge, reading a magazine. Mabilis akong lumapit sa kanya.

"Ma!" I giggled when she looked at me. Tumayo siya kaagad para yakapin ako. She even cupped my face to look at me by angle and then she hugged me again. "Nandito ka pala, Ma, bakit hindi moa ko tinawagan?" I asked again.

"I thought you are busy. Office girl na ang baby ko." Hinaplos na naman niya ang mukha ko. "I missed you, that's why I came. Isang linggo ka nang hindi umuuwi, anak. Sinabi ko sa Papa mo nab aka hindi ka na umuwi hanggang sa Sunday, kaya kami na ang lumuwas rito. Your father and siblings are in the van, we're waiting for you."

"Oh... everyone is here?" Tanong ko.

"Yes. We're all having dinner." Sabi pa ni Mama sa akin. "Let's go."

"Oh, dala ko po iyong car ko Mama. Convoy na lang po tayo." Sa toto lang, hindi ko gustong sumama sa ngayon. I wanted Mama, but I want her alone. Matagal na rin kasi kaming hindi nagkakasamang kaming dalawa lang. Hindi pa rin siguro ako sanay sa katotohanan na hindi na lang kaming dalawa ngayon. I want to feel her attention towards me just like before but I guess I am being selfish when it comes to thinking like that.

I told Mom that I'd be on my car. Alam kong gusto niyang sumama na lang ako sa kanila, but I need to ready myself for an hour or two with my family. I love my family, it's just that sometimes, they are too much for me to handle.

Sabi ni Mama, we'll be having dinner at Din Tai Fung – a restaurant just 20 mins away from here. Alam ko naman iyon. Pan and I had lunch there the other day and I loved their food, I just don't know if I will enjoy it now that I am eating they're with my family.

Mahal ko naman talaga ang pamilya ko, madalas ko lang talagang maramdaman na hindi nila ako tanggap.

Halos sabay – sabay kaming dumating sa restaurant. I realized that Fonso weren't there, but Ate Mona and her kids were here. Sabello and Aelise were their too, sabi ni Aelise, iniwanan niya sa mga magulang niya ang mga anak nila, only Ross and Bella have their kids here. I hugged them one by one pero pagdating kay Santi ay tinaasan niya lang ako ng kilay – which is okay, sana naman ako. Hindi niya talaga ako matatanggap kahit kailan.

I got the biggest shock of my life when we got in the restaurant and I saw Jaque and Felipe already sitting at our table. I guess they have fixed things between them. Pinakiramdaman ko ang aking sarili, kung may agam – agam ba ako na makita silang dalawa ngayon. Kung okay lang ba ako. I realize that I am, pero may kaunting kurot sa puso ko. May panghihinayang pa rin kasi.

"Hi, Rafa! Nakakainis ka ha! Iniwanan mo rin ako sa hacienda!" Sabi ni Jaqueline sa akin sabay halik sa pisngi ko. I laughed at what she said.

"I needed to work, Jaque."

"Hmp, mga workaholic kayo. Like, bakit mo pa ba need mag-work, mayaman naman ang parents mo? Diba, Santi." Santi just looked at him.

"Mayaman nga ang magulang namin but surely they taught us to work hard, right Pops!" Sumimangot si Jaqueline.

"Is there something wrong, Santi? Bakit ang epal mo?" Halata namang nainis na ang pinsan ko.

"Jaque, love..." Felipe butt-in. He always know when to insert himself to make things a little less awkward. "Do you wanna order the xiao long bao? Remember the one we tasted in Taiwan? You liked it right?"

"Yes, please, love."

My heart hurt a little bit but I managed to smile. Nakakatuwang makitang inaalagaan talaga ni Felipe ang pinsan ko. We started ordering. Tahimik lang naman ako habang nakikinig sa kanilang lahat habang nag – uusap.

Papa asked Felipe about his family business. Felipe politely answered. Masayang – masaya si Jaque na ibida kung gaano kagaling si Felipe sa business ng mga ito na para bang si Felipe ang CEO ng kompanya. Well he is always good at everything, nakakatuwa na alam na alam ni Jaque ang ginagawa nila.

"Are you eating well, Rafa?" Mama asked me. Magkakatabi kaming tatlo – ako, si Mama at si Ate Mona. Napatingin rin si Ate Mona sa akin.

"I am, Mama. Don't worry, Pan and I always eat together." Totoo naman iyon. Mama smiled at me. Hinahaplos – haplos niya ang braso ko.

"Will you be staying at the mansion with us, Rafa?" Papa asked out of the blue. I immediately shook my head.

"I am staying at Pan's condo unit for the time being and I plan to go there later." Mukhang na-disappoint ang tatay ko, gayundin naman si Mama.

"Aww, I thought we'll have another girls night." Sabi ni Ate Mona.

"Oo nga, Yafa." Sabi pa ni Aelise. "We'll watch a movie – action movie!" Oh she likes those kind of genres. Tumawa ako pero umiling.

"Next time na lang, busy lang talaga ako nowadays."

"Hayaan ninyo siya." Wika naman ni Santi. "Pwede ninyo namang gawin iyong girls' night nang wala si Rafaelle. It's not like she we cannot live without her diba? She didn't even grow up with us. Mabubuhay tayo nang wala si Rafaelle."

"Crisanto!" Mama hissed at him. I used to brush it off. Alam kong galit siya sa akin dahil sa existence ko, but I think this is just too much. Nakakahiya kay Felipe at kay Jaque, naisip man lang ba niyang may ibang tao?

I looked at him. He was looking so smug. He thought he did something – well he did. Sumakit ang puso ko.

"What did I ever do to you, Crisanto? Bakit ba galit ka sa akin?" I don't care anymore. "I understand that you were all surprised about my existence, but did you even – just for one second – stop, to think about what I feel? Naisip mo ba iyong pakiramdam ko habang nagkakaisip ako and I was being kept as a secret? Na hindi ako pwedeng umuwi rito ng Pasko o Bagong Taon because Mom needed to spend those days with you tapos, what do I get? I get all the December 26 and January 2, but never the exact date! Even I had to spend my birthday alone so many times because Mama needed to attend to anyone but me. But did you hear me complaining? Did you hear me saying hurtful things about you?"

"Rafaelle..." Mama held my hand pero inalis ko naman iyon.

"Don't get me wrong, Ma, I love you, but up to thise days it still hurts me that you hid me for a very long time. It messed me up so much." I sobbed hard. "I lost the man I love because I was so afraid of loving him wholeheartedly, because I was afraid that if I love him too much, mababawasan iyong pagmamahal ko sa'yo, that I wouldn't be a soldier for you because at that time you needed someone to stand beside you. And now... now that you have the happy ending that you deserve, now that you have the love you've been dreaming of, parang naiwanan naman ako. I love you and this family, but most of the time, I feel like I don't belong here."

"Anak..."

I looked at Crisanto. "I hope you get to sleep at night, Santi." I took my bag and stood up. "I'm sorry. Wala na akong ganang kumain. Enjoy your night."

Mabilis pa sa alas kwatro na umalis ako sa restaurant. I drove around the city for a long time. I turned my phone off. Tawag kasi sila nang tawag sa akin. Ayoko muna silang kausapin, kahit na sino sa kanila.

Midnight nang makauwi ako sa condo ni Pan. My eyes were swollen and I am very thirsty, ang nakakainis pa, I didn't have Pan's keycard inside my bag. Hindi tuloy ako makapasok. I needed to call her to tell her what's happening pero wala ako sa mood, I sat on the floor, hugged my knees and just sigh.

Kapag minamalas ka nga naman, mamalasin ka talaga.

I didn't know how long I was sitting there when I noticed a pair of Italian Leather shoesin front of me. I looked up to see who it is. I blinked three times before the man in front of me smile.

"Are you okay, Miss?"

"No..." I shook my head. I even pouted. "Lost my keycard. I cannot go inside and I'm hungry." Tumawa ako. Natawa rin yata siya.

"Here." Nagulat ako nang may ilabas siyang tinapay na nakabalot sa transparent na plastic.

"Ensaymada iyan. Gawa sa bakeshop ng nanay ko." Sabi niya sa akin. I thanked him. Medyo nahihiya pa ako pero kumakalam na talaga ang sikmura ko. I don't know if it's fine but I opened the bread and took a bite of it. Masarap naman. I smiled at him again.

"My name is Atlantis. I live there." Tinuro niya iyong pinto ng kabilang penthouse. "Are you one of Pan's sisters?"

"Oh you know Panpan?" Tumayo na ako, inalalayan niya pa nga ako.

"Yes. My mom is friends with her mom and we went to the same high school. I was ahead of her by two years. Ka-batch ko iyong kapatid niya, si Kairos."

"My name is Rafaelle. You can call me Rafa for short."

"Okay. Nice to meet you." We shook hands.

I am still feeling a bit down but I don't mind having a new friend.