Felipe's

THE dinner was awkward after Rafaelle left. I had this urge to run after her because I thought that she might need someone to talk to, but I was reminded that Jaque was next to me and that Rafa's not my territory anymore. All I had done was sit there, look at at her until she's out of sight anymore. I sighed again.

The family became tense, and Santi looked as if he just realized what he did. Hindi ako natutuwa sa kung paani niya tinatrato si Rafaelle. He doesn't know anything, he doesn't know how hard Rafa is of herself because of her family's situation. Hindi nila alam kung gaano kahirap para kay Raf ana pakibagayan silang lahat. I'm kind of glad that she was able to get something out tonight. Wala pa iyon sa kalahati ng nararamdaman ni Rafa, pero masaya ako na nasabi niya ang ilan sa mga ito. I sighed again. The dinner ended, Jaque and I politely said goodbye. Hindi pa rin ako mapakali kaya tahimik lang ako habang nasa byahe. I couldn't take Rafa's face off my mind. She was in so much pain. Hanggang ngayon ay iba pa rin ang dating sa akin ng mga luha ni Rafa I was so focused on not making her cry before that up until now, if I see her cry, all the warning bells in my head turns on.

"Love, are you okay? You seemed tensed." Hinawakan ni Jaque ang braso ko. I just looked at her. I don't really want to discuss Rafa with her but I couldn't really help it.

"Are you not worried for Rafa?"

"Why? Because she got upset over Santi?" Balik tanong niya sa akin. Nagkibilit balikat naman siya. "To be honest, I think Rafaelle deserves that. You don't expect Santi to come to their lives and accept the fact that they have another sibling. Tapos hindi naman nila nakasama. Ako nga, I only met Rafaelle when I was thirteen. Sa New York pa, even then hindi ko na siya masyadong gusto, sobrang spoiled brat ni Rafaelle. Like, why can't she come home, bakit kailangan pa siyang puntahan ni Tita sa Amerika? Diba? Kaya ganyan ang ugali ni Rafa kasi spoiled siya."

I cannot believe what I am hearing. There and then I wanted to tell Jaque that she is the spoiled brat – that Andy is right, feeling entitled si Jaque. I clenched my fist around the steering wheel.

"I thought you like Rafaelle. She is your cousin."

"I endure, Rafa. I don't have to like her to endure her. Ayokong ma-bad shot kay Tita Nadia. She's my godmother and she buys and gives me a lot of things. Hindi naman ako tanga para ipakita na ayoko kay Rafa, matitigil rin ang pagbibigay niya sa akin ng regalo."

I couldn't stand what I was hearing. Rafaelle doesn't deserve any of this. As far as I know, napaka-genuine ni Rafa kay Jaque pero heto siya at kung anong pinagsasabi. I speed up a bit, pakiramdam ko ay nasasakal ako sa presence ni Jaque, hindi ko kayang nandito siya ngayon. Hindi ko siya kayang tingnan. I don't know why I am feeling like this, maybe because it's Rafa and I am always protective of her, or maybe because I find it appalling that she thinks this way. Paano pa kaya sa ibang tao? Ganito rin ba siya mag – isip?

I stopped the car in front of their home. I felt Jaque touching my arm. I finally looked at her.

"Let's go inside, Love..." Oh, she wants sex. But I am not in the mood for that. Not after what she told me about Rafaelle. Wala akong gana sa kahit na anong may kinalaman sa kanya. I only sighed. Hindi ko na alam kung pang – ilang beses na akong napabuntong – hininga ngayong gabi. Ang gusto ko na lang ay makaalis dito. Iniisip ko kung hahanapin ko ba si Rafaelle. What if she's crying now? What if she needs someone to be with tonight? She gets extra sappy whenever she is hurt, hindi pa nga rin siya kumakain, what will I do to make her feel a little better?

"Love?"

"Let's not see each other anymore, Jaque." Wika ko sa kanya. Nang muli kong tingnan si Jaqueline ay nanlalaki ang kanyang mga mata. Tila nag – aapuhap siya ng sasabihin pero walang salitang lumalabas sa bibig niya. She just looked like a gaping fish out of water. Napalunok pa siya.

"What the hell, Felipe?!"

"I cannot do this anymore. I'm sorry. You can keep the ring if you want to, but I cannot marry you anymore."

Jaqueline slapped me, twice, bago siya bumaba ng sasakyan. Hindi na ako nagsalita, ni hindi ako nagreklamo because I deserve that. Hindi ko rin alam na darating ako sa puntong iyon. I just wanted to tell her that she won't be seeing me for some days pero imbes na iyon ang lumabas sa bibig ko ay iba pala. I drove away. She must have been so upset now. Wala na akong magagawa roon. Naisip kong mas magiging unfair para kay Jaqueline ang mga bagay dahil alam ko naman sa sarili kong may iba akong iniisip. Tulad ngayon, I know that I have broken my ex- fiancée's heart, and I should feel something because of that, pero ang tanging nasa isip ko lang ay is Rafaelle at kung saan ko siya makikita.

I know Pan Vejar will know the answer, maybe she will tell me where Rafa is now, but the thing is I don't know how to contact her. Right! Andy! Andy might know – of course she will know how to contact Pan, magpinsan sila!

Lalo kong binilisan ang pagmamaneho, imbes na umuwi ako sa residential building kung nasaan ang unit ko, nagpunta ako sa bahay ni Ruel. I was knocking frantically to the point when the maid opened the door, she looked at me with this frantic expression on her face too. Sinalubong naman agada ko ng kapatid ko.

"What's wrong Felipe?" Tanong niya sa akin. "May nangyari ba kay Avo? Do we need to take her to the hospital?"

"What? What? No! Avo is fine. Bruno and Cindy are with her. I just... I just wanted to talk to Andy."

"Why? It's late. She's resting already."

"No, I'm not." Nakita kong pababa si Andy ng hagdan. She was wearing a pearl white silk robe, mukhang tama nga ang kapatid ko, nagpapahinga na sila. Andy smiled at me as she stands beside her husband. "I've been summoned. What do you want, dear brother – in – law?"

"Do you have any means of contacting Pan Vejar?" I asked in a hurry. Andy rolled her eyes.

"Ugh, please don't. Hindi ako mahilig sa chika ni Pan."

"It's not about Pan. I need to see Rafaelle tonight. I am worried for her."

"Look, Felipe, I know you and Rafa had history- and history cannot be changed, it is irreversible, blah, blah, blah, blah. But you cannot ignore the facts that is happening in our present time and in your case, that fact is you being engaged to be married with Jaqueline. I don't like the girl, but she doesn't deserve this."

I know that, maybe that's why I broke things off with her earlier.

"We broke up, Andy."

"Luh?"

"What?" Parang luluwa na ang mga mata ni Ruel. "You... what? What?"

"Are you an old man, my dear? Your brother broke up with that spoiled brat! I assume that you will now chase after Rafaelle. Huh..." Andy looked like some sort of a detective. Parang napakalalim pa ng iniisip niya. "But pursuing Rafaelle now will be a dick move."

"What?"

"Yes! Yes! I think so too! Then, I have no means of contacting Panpan. Kung gusto mong mahanap si Rafaelle, gumawa ka ng sarili mong paraan!" Pinanlakihan niya pa ako ng mga mata. Andy went up stairs already. Tinatawag ko pa nga siya pero hindi na niya ako pinagtuunan ng pansin. Kahit na si Ruel ay walang nagawa. We both ended up sighing.

"Want to drink?" Ruel asked me. Tumango naman ako. We went to their balcony with a bottle of whiskey and two glasses. I was looking out the vastness of darkness in front of me. Nakikita ko pa rin hanggang ngayon ang umiiyak na mukha ni Rafa. Hindi maaalis sa akin ang kagustuhang makasama siya ngayon. I want to be there for her. I need her to need me.

I realized something tonight. Yes, I love the thought of getting married, and one of the reasons why I chose to leave Rafa before is because she couldn't give me what I want, but now, I know that nothing matters anymore. I want to be with her again. I will take care of her and will protect her from everything that will possibly hurt her. That's what I want but I have no idea if Rafa still wants to be with me.

"What the hell happened? Akala ko ba siguradong – sigurado ka kay Jaque?"

"I can still marry her, Ruel, but that will be unfair. Not when I feel so strongly about someone else. I am tired pretending that I don't care about her, tired of feeling helpless when all I want is to do something for her. I wanna be closer to her, Ruel. Ayoko nang magkunwari."

Ruel patted my back. "At least you thought of that before pursuing her."

"But it won't be easy. The last time we talked she was so determined to let me go." Napapailing ako. "Hindi ko dapat iniwanan noon si Rafaelle. Dapat naghintay ako. It just became so tiring for me to wait. For once, I wanted her to make me her priority. Sa pagkakataong iyon ay nakalimot ako. Ngayon, napakalaki ng aking pagsisisi. Hindi ko dapat basta iniwanan si Rafaelle. I should've been more patient with her. Now, it is going to take a long time before I get her back.

What if I'm already too late? What if Rafaelle already have someone else? Wala akong magagagawa noon. She was genuinely happy for me when she found out about my relationship with her cousin, but can I do that for her when it's her turn? Hindi ko yata kayang makitang masaya si Rafa sa ibang tao, pero wala naman akong karapatang kunin sa kanya ang pagkakataong iyon.

Like what I say every time, Rafaelle deserves all the love and happiness in the world. If I cannot give that to her then maybe I don't deserve her.

"What do you plan to do now, Felipe?" My brother asked again.

"I don't know, Ruel. I just know that I am fucked."

xxxx

Rafaelle's

MY family has been calling me for days now. Hindi naman siguro masama ang ugali ko kung hindi ko sasagutin ang mga tawag nila. I am not ready to talk to anyone, kahit na si Mama pa iyon. Hindi ko rin kasi alam kung anong sasabihin ko sa kanya. I never intended for that thing to come out. I never wanted to tell her that I feel awful being her secret for a long time, that it kind of messed me up in the head. Dahil roon, palagi kong pakiramdam na hindi ako sapat para kanino, that I need to please everyone just because I am my mother's secret daughter. Daig ko pa ang anak sa labas na walang karapatan.

Santi... Crisanto never fails to make me feel like crap about my existence. Hindi ko naman talaga dapat papansinin iyon, pero nang gabing iyon sobrang sakit na kasi, hindi ko napigilan. I need to apologize to them, I need to tell them that I didn't mean anything – kahit na lahat nang iyon ay totoo. I just want them to see me as someone carefree, hindi na ako dapat alalahanin ng Mama. She's now happy, she should just stay that way.

"Rafa..." Pan called my attention. We at the office again and we're finalizing everything for Saturday. Hindi ko alam kung pupunta pa sila Mama sa show naming, I wish they wouldn't. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko sila pakikiharapan. Hiyang – hiya talaga ako.

"Yes?" At that moment, Pan was near the door, she was holding her phone and her Christian Dior bag that she matched with her Christian Dior slippers. She hurriedly walked to me, sat beside my chair and looked at me intensely.

"Tita Nadia is making me tawag like every hour since like two days ago pa! What the fuck is nangyayari ba? Why aren't you making them sagot? Did they away you?" I shook my head. I had no problem telling Pan. She is one of my close friends, isa pa magaan talaga ang loob ko sa kanya.

"It's just.... Well, we were supposed to have dinner two nights ago, and Santi, we'll he is being his true self. Inaasar niya ako. Kahit ako hindi ko naman alam kung anong nangyari sa akin that time, Panpan but I just felt so drained. Ayoko man ay nakapagsalita ako sa kanya sa harap ng pamilya ko."

"What do you mean?" Kunot na kunot ang noo ni Pan. I had to put down my pen and finally face her fully.

"I told my family that I didn't feel good being the secret for a long time. I almost told them that it fucked me up big time. Nakalimtan kong nandoon si Mama at Papa, nakalimutan kong hindi pala nila dapat malaman iyong nararamdaman ko. Nalulungkot ako, Pan. Gusto kong kausapin si Mama, pero hindi ko naman alam kung saan ako magsisimula."

"Awww! That's so sad..." Pan held my hand. "But don't you think it is time for you to finally tell them your real emotions? I mean... I kind of get you. I used to feel like my family doesn't care about me. Pero when I told them my feelings, we talked and we solved it all, now we're very open with each other. Maybe Santi needs to hear your feelings Rafa."

I know that she's right, but Santi already heard, maybe ¼ of it. Bahala na talaga. Pinisil ko na lang ang kamay ni Pan. I didn't want to dwell on it anymore. I just have to move on. One of these days, magkakalakas rin ako ng loob na kausapin silang lahat. Siguro, naramdaman din ni Pan na hindi na ako makikipag – usap tungkol sa bagay na iyon kaya bigla na rin niyang iniba ang topic namin.

"Anyway, I came late because I talked to the caterer for our show. They will dating later to make us tikim their food. I am excited for you to meet them!" Speaking of, bigla akong naalala si Atlantis. Ang sabi nito sa akin ay kilala niya si Panpan.

"Do you now a certain Atlantis? Tall guy, moreno, clean cut, neat-looking and his sister bakes the most delicious ensaymada?"

"OH! Yes! He's my neighbor in the Skyline Towers!" Napahagikgik si Pan. "Did you meet him? Oh he's an eye candy!"

"He is..." I smiled.

"So you agree? That he is an eye candy?"

"Pan! I'm just saying that he's nice. He fed me –"

"What?!" She looked so scandalized. Napatawa tuloy ako.

"He fed me bread. Ikaw ha. Ano bang iniisip mo?"

"Well, wala lang!" She shrugged. "I just remember Tohwtowh, gave me a BJ when we met."

"What?!" Nanlalaki ang mga mata ko.

"Duh? BJ as in BUKO JUICE! Oh, Rafa you have a dirty mind!" Napahagikgik ako. These past few days maybe a bit gloomy for me pero napansin ko ring medyo gumaan ang loob ko. I still think about Mama and her pained expression pero hindi ko talaga maitangging gumaan ang loob ko kaya mas madali para sa akin ang matuwa sa ngayon.

Pan and I worked together, may kanya – kanya kaming assignments and we make sure that we complete those one by one. At exactly twelve in the afternoon, the caterer came. Tinawag kami ni Pan para i-meet sila sa conference room. Nagkukwentuhan pa nga kami habang naglalakad papasok nang matigil ako because at the side of my vision, I kind of saw a familiar figure. Maybe I was that in love with Felipe that even in my peripheral vision, I would know him.

I stopped walking and turned to my left side; it is really him. Napaawang pa ang labi ko. He was looking at me with longing in his eyes. I wanted to run to him to ask him why he's here. I wanted to ask him why he longs for me. I know those eyes; I know what he's feeling. If there's one thing good about Felipe, he always wears his heart on his sleeves. Napakadali para sa akin ang malaman ang nararamdaman niya. I feel like crying. I feel like running to him like those women who's about to be reunited with their loved one in those typical romantic movies, but I reminded myself that I have no rights anymore. He is not mine anymore. He belongs to someone else.

Instead of doing whatever I wanted, I just smiled at him and politely asked Pan to go inside first because I needed to talk to Felipe. Nang makalapit ako sa kanya ay lalong luminaw sa akin ang emosyon sa kanyang mga mata. Mahina ako pagdating kay Felipe. Hindi ko na alam kung anong gagawin ko. It took superhuman strength for me not to hug him tightly.

"Hi, what are you doing here?"

"I was looking for you." Sabi niya sa akin. "I wanted to ask how you are... the last time..."

"Oh! Oh! Rafaelle!" From Felipe's side, I suddenly saw Atlantis. He just got out from the elevator. Hindi ko alam kung anong ginagawa niya rito, but man, the man is clumsy as fuck, kakamadali niyang makalapit sa akin ay nabitiwan niya ang breadbasket na hawak niya.

"Oh no!" I immediately run to him. I suddenly forgot about Felipe. Mabuti na ang at naka-individual packaging ang mga tinapay na dal ani Atlantis and we only put it back inside his basket. I helped him get up. Nakangisi siya sa akin, tulad noong nakaraang gabing nakilala ko siya.

"Didn't know you'd be here! I should've asked Pan, I really wanted to see you again." I felt my face heating up. Was he flirting? It felt like he is. But that moment fleeted away when Felipe cleared his throat. Noon ko lang naalalang nandito rin pala siya. Pulampula ang mga pisngi ko.

"Oh, right, uhm... I looked at Felipe and then to Atlantis who seemed to be oblivious of everything that moment.

"Rafaelle, can we talk?"

"Oh is this your friend?" Tanong ni Atlantis. I only nodded. Well, Felipe is my friend diba? I sighed and introduced them to each other.

"Felipe, this is Atlantis..."

Ang pwesto naming ay ganito. Felipe was standing on my right side, si Atlantis naman ay sa left side ko, I was in their middle and when they shook hand, I felt like I was in the middle of a growing tension -or maybe that was just my imagination.

"Nice to meet you, Felipe. Atlantis here."

"Mmmm..." That was Felipe's response. I am so fucking nervous!