Kapitulo Dos

What should I say?

Rafaelle's

"Saan kayo galing, Papa?"

Hindi ko alam kung tatawa ako o sisimangot kay Santi. Sinalubong niya kami ni Don Paeng sa front door. Ginabi na kasi kaming dalawa ng uwi. It took a long time before I was able to calm myself. Hindi naman nagsalita si Don Paeng, he just enclosed me into his arms and let me cry. Lahat ng luha at frustrations ko nitong mga nakaraang taon ng buhay ko ay nailabas ko kanina, although hindi naman enough iyon, mabigat pa rin ang loob ko pero kahit paano ay nakahinga na ako nang may kaunting kaluwagan.

"Sa may batis, Crisanto. Kumain na ba kayo?"

"Hindi. Ayaw ni Mama na kumain nang wala si Rafaelle. Dala yata niya ang kaldero." Nang – iinis na wika na naman ni Santi. I looked at him.

"Hindi makakain si Mama kasi ako ang bunso, hindi ikaw." Kitang – kita ko nang manlaki ang butas ng ilong niya, ganoon na lang rin ang panlalaki ng mga mata niya, wala siyang ma-rebutt sa akin kaya tumalikod na lang siya. Naiwan na naman kami ni Don Paeng sa may front door. Mula sa paglalakad nang hatak – hatak niya ang kanyang kabayo ay hindi naman siya nagsasalita, parang naninimbas siya pagdating sa akin. I turned to him and took his left hand.

"Thank you, Don Paeng. Sana h'wag ninyo pong sabihin kay Mama." Sabi ko sa kanya. I think he understood the situation o kung hindi man ay hindi naman siya nagtatanong sa akin. He only nodded in return, I tiptoed to give him a light peck on the cheek, bahagya ko pa siyang niyakap at saka ako umalis na. Nagpunta ako sa dining area kung saan natagpuan kong nagpapahanda ng dinner si Mama, pero naroon na si Jaquelene at si Felipe. They were helping Mom. As always, Felipe looked so fresh with his white shirt, sweatpants and his just got out of the shower style of hair.

I suddenly remembered all the times that I sat on his lap – him with only his towel on – I'll curled up on him, and he'll hug me and he'll let me smell him for hours. He knew how much I love smelling him, and how safe I am in his arms. Para sa akin, sa bisig ni Felipe ko nararamdaman ang security na kailangan ko noon. I could feel that he's aim is to protect me. He lets me be the little girl that I am – well that sounded so wrong – what I mean is, hinahayaan niya akong maging ako. He takes babies me. Sa isang linggong magkasama kami, lahat ginagawa niya para sa akin. He might be busy, he might be oceans apart, but he calls me regularly, when I want attention, he even cancels his meeting so we could talk all day.

"Rafa!" I was pulled away from my trance when Jaque called me. Mukhang nagulat rin si Mama, bigla na lang kasi siyang napalingon sa akin. I tried to give her my happiest smile, my warmest smile.

"Hi."

"Saan ka ba galing?" Lumapit si Mama sa akin. She caressed my face. "Pumunta ako sa kwarto mo pero wala ka roon, iniwanan mo pa ang phone mo. Saan ka nagpunta?"

"I went to Pan's. May pinag-usapan lang kami kaya nagtagal ako. I was supposed to go to Ate Mona's pero ayon nga, may inayos kami ni Panpan." I smiled. Sana hindi mahalata ni Mama na nagsisinungaling ako. She only nodded. Inayos niya pa ang kumawala kong buhok.

"H'wag mong masyadong pinapagod ang sarili mo. Lika, kumain ka na." We went to the dining table. I sat on the left side. Si Jaque ay sa tapat ko, katabi niya si Felipe, ako naman, si Santi ang katabi ko. Hindi naman nagtagal ay dumating na rin si Papa. I smiled at him again.

"Nasaan si Sab?"

"Nagbyahe ang anak mo kanina, nami-miss raw si Aelise kaya lumuwas muna. Tayo – tayo na lang muna. Kumain ka na."

"Kanina pa nga ako nagugutom." Sabi pa ni Santi. "Hindi ko alam kung bakit kailangan hintayin pa si Rafa para kumain. Dala niya pa ang kaldero, Mama?" Pait na pait yata ang kapatid ko. Tinawanan ko lang siya. My father shook his head pagkatapos ay inirapan niya si Santi.

"Bakit parang mainit ang dugo mo kay Rafa, Santi?" Tanong ni Jaque. Inabot ko sa kanya ang plate ng rice, she got some and then she gave it to Felipe. Hindi ko maiwasang hindi mapatingin sa kanya. He doesn't seem to mind me. He's not even paying attention and it hurts a lot.

"Hindi mainit ang dugo ko kay Rafa. Mahal na mahal ko ito, siyempre kapatid ko iyan, diba, baby sister."

"Eww, don't touch me." Sabi ko sa kanya. Natawa naman si Mama.

"Ganyan lang iyang dalawang iyan pero mahal na mahal naman nila ang isa't isa. Paeng, kumain ka ng gulay, manang – mana sa'yo itong mga anak mo, hindi kumakain ng gulay! Yafa, eat your greens!" Puna pa ni Mama sa akin. Suddenly, Felipe scoffed. We all looked at him. Mukhang nabigla rin siya sa ginawa niya. He was eating his greens – as how Mama put it.

"I'm sorry." Magalang na wika niya. "I just remembered a friend who would do everything to not eat the vegetables in our food."

"May mga tao talanag mahirap pakainin ng gulay. Iyong mga anak ko, pare-pareho." Sabi pa ni Mama. But I wasn't paying attention anymore. Nakatitig na lang ako kay Felipe. His reaction, it was something that he would typically do whenever we are together and he's making me eat the veggies. He always orders salad – any salad and he make me eat them. Kahit ilang beses ko nang sabihin na ayoko, he would make it to the point that I will eat it whatever it takes. I tilted my head.

I saw him looking at me. Was that worry in his eyes.

What's happening. He cleared his throat. All my attention is on him.

"Love." I am very aware of him. Is he calling me? "Can I tell a story about a Panda I saw in China?"

Panda...

Suddenly, I came back from my trance. Napansin kong nakatitig sa akin si Santi. Nakakunot ang noo niya.

"Hoy, okay ka lang ba? Are you sick? Ma, palagi siyang malungkot ngayon saka parang masama ang pakiramdam, dapat yata natin siyang dalhin sa ospital."

"May nararamdaman ka nga ba, Yafa?" Tanong bigla ni Don Paeng sa akin. Punong – puno ng pag-aalala ang mukha niya. I looked at everyone, even Felipe seemed so concern, pero alam kong iba ang dahilan noon.

"May panlasa ka pa ba?" Tanong ni Santi sa akin. "Pang-amoy? May ubo ka ba? Masakit ba ang lalamunan mo? Nilalagnat ka ba? Sipon, ubo? Hindi ka ba makahinga? Baka kailangan natin siyang ipa-test sa ospital, Pa! Pa! Kukunin ko na ang kotse!"

"No, no... ang OA." I looked at Santi. "I'm only tired. If you'll excuse me." I smiled at everyone. "Magpapahinga na po ako, Ma. Good night, everyone." Sabi ko na lang sa kanila. I could feel Felipe's eyes on me. Hindi ko naman na siya nilingon. I went upstairs and locked my door. I stood there for a while, feeling the irregular beating of my heart.

It's been so long since I've seen or talked with Felipe, but why is it still so easy for me to fall into the subspace. He just scoffed. He didn't even use his voice directly at me. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Bahagya akong nagulat nang makarinig ako ng pagkatok sa pinto ko. Huminga muna ako nang malalim bago ko binuksan iyon. I saw Santi – of all people – I don't want to deal with him anymore, I'm to tired and confused. Kunot na kunot ang noo niya.

"What do you want, Santi? I'm tired, please leave me alone..."

"Pinapatanong ni Mama kung okay ka lang." Seryosong sabi niya.

"Why would Mama do that if she can ask me directly?"

"Magkakape sila sa baba, kaya pinaakyat ako. Ano, anong sasabihin ko?"

"Like I said, I'm just tired, okay? Let me be. H'wag mo muna akong inisin nang mga two days, okay?" Hinihintay ko ang sagot niya pero hindi naman siya nagsalita, tumingin lang siya na para bang hindi siya naniniwala tapos umalis na, sobrang weird ni Crisanto. Alam ko namang wala siyag amor sa akin, naiitindihan ko naman kung bakit siya ganoon sa akin, siyempre, all his life, akala niya siya na ang huli, then after all those years, lumabas ako, hindi talaga magiging madali para sa kanya ang tanggapin ako, at hindi ko naman ipinipilit ang sarili ko. I closed the door again.

I'll always be an outsider. Tanggap ko na iyon. Enough na sa aking naiintindihan ako ni Kuya Fonso, na kasundo ko naman silang tatlo, pero kahit kailan hindi ako nakaramdam ng galit kay Santi – well, inis, oo, madalas kasi papansin siya. Nagtampo ako noon dahil hinayaan nila si Mama na mag – isa sa bahay sa QC, they seldom visit her, naiinis ako noon dahil kahit ako ang kasama ni Mama, alam kong hindi ako sapat, alam kong hinahanap niya ang presence ng mga kapatid ko.

Every Christmas, we'll have the traditional Noche Buena with a twist, iyong kaming dalawa lang pero may apat na vacant plates sa dining table – and I know that's for my brothers and Ate Mona.

I started crying so suddenly. It really haunted me up until now, the feeling that I was never enough for my mom. I know she loves me and she aims to protect me but I was never enough. Hindi rin ako buo, at hindi ko alam kung kailan ako mabubuo. Kaya ng kahit na gusto kong makasama si Felipe noon, hindi ko magawang ibigay sa kanya ang lahat dahil hindi ako buo.

I wish I don't have to think anymore. I wish Felipe is here to take away all my uncertainties. I could just tell him that I don't want to think of anything and he'll take over without questions asked. I miss my Felipe, I want him...

Love, I went to our beach house in Malta last Spring Break. The beach house lady was still there and she was glad to have seen me that day. But she was looking for you. She didn't know that we broke up already – right. I never told her, I didn't want to disappoint her because I knew that she was rooting for us too much. She wanted us to be together, like how I want us to end up with each other too.

I went to our room. I couldn't sleep in there, I keeps on making me remember memories that hurts me now. I don't want to think anymore, my love – I miss you. I sat by the bed and opened the drawer, the ring was there, but you're not. Will you ever come back to me, my Felipe? I'm so selfish to think that you'd come back after I made you wait so long, I knew that you'd change your mind. I was not that precious, I have flaws, I'm not perfect, but you are.

You are the light at the end of the dark path, my Felipe. But now that you're gone, I am left in that path, alone, cold and lonely. All I want is for you to come back to me, but it will never happen. I just hope and pray for you happiness. I hope you find someone that will give you everything that you need.

Be safe, my Felipe. I love you so much...

xxxx

"WHAT's happening, Love?"

Felipe's voice is always soothing. He found me in the balcony of his Malta beach house. I was holding my phone. I saw my brother's IG post, and he's with our mother. Sa picture na iyon ay buo sila. It was the birthday of one of Don Paeng's apo and they held a children's party. Nakaramdam lang ako ng inggit dahil sa caption na nabasa ko noon.

Family.

Will they ever let me in their family? Will they ever let me be a part of them? I kept on sniffling. Felipe wrapped his arm around my shoulder to pull me closer.

"I am also your family, Love, I can be your brother if you want too."

"Brothers' don't fuck their sisters, if they do that's so fucked up." I deadpanned. Feliper giggled. He kissed my temple and wiped my tears.

"You and your smart mouth."

"You like this mouth around your fat juicy cock, Love." I retorted again.

"True. True." Alam kong nakangiti na siya. "But I also love kissing that mouth, I love the sounds it produces when I am pounding hard inside of you repeatedly, I love it when you tell me to stop while we both know that you don't really want me to stop."

"Hmm..." I shifted to face him, wrapped my arms around his neck to look at his beautiful gray eyes. I bit my lower lip.

"I love that mouth so much, Love."

"What else do you love?"

"You, kneeling on the bed, hands behind, waiting for me patiently..." His voice is a hundred times huskier and sexier, I suddenly felt light-headed. Felipe's touch became demanding, yet careful. I tilted my head, and then I looked at him.

"Hmm... Daddy..." Felipe grinned. It was always so easy for him to take to the subspace.

"What do you want, baby girl?" He cupped my face. All I could see in his gray eyes is lust... I realized that I am gonna get fucked hard tonight.

"Make me forget, Daddy, I don't want to think."

"If you're a good girl, then maybe I'll give you a reward. You know what to do." I found myself nodding.

"In the bedroom, on the bed, on your knees, hand behind, and wait for Daddy, alright?"

"Hmmm..." I nodded again.

"Use your words, Baby girl."

"Yes... Yes, I'll wait for Daddy."

I almost choked from being the lack of air, I suddenly jerked awake. I was clutching the sheets. I was thinking of Felipe so much that I had dream of that one night in Malta. My heart is beating so fast right now, I am bothered, I am hot and I wouldn't be able to fall asleep anymore.

My knees were shaking but I had to climbed down the bed. I need water, I need air – I need Felipe but that's impossible right now. I left the room, I went straight to the kitchen, I got the water that I needed pero hindi naman kumalma ang puso ko.

Hindi ako mapakali. I left the house, I have decided to walk around, sa kakaisip ko, at sa kakasubok kong pakalmahin ang sarili ko ay hindi ko na napansing napalayo ako. I found myself standing in front of the Kamalig.

Wala naman akong balak pumasok roon, iniisip ko nang bumalik. Gabi na rin at walang nakakaalam na umalis ako. Baka hanapin ako ni Mama, so I turned around, but I stopped when I saw the man that was just in my dreams.

"I think... I think we need to talk, Rafaelle." I don't know what to say. Pagkatapos ng mga taong walang usap na naganap sa amin ay narito na siya and he is asking for one. What should I say? 

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