Felipe's

MAYBE the day that I am dreading is finally here. What day is that? The day when finally, Rafaelle will have someone else with her. Seeing her from afar, talking to that stranger – well in my situation, sa akin lang naman stranger ang taong iyon. Clearly, Rafaelle knows him because the way she laughs with him, it's something else. She used to laugh with me like that. Wala naman akong karapatan na maghangad pa ng kahit na ano dahil noong nagdesisyon akong iwanan si Rafaelle noon sa Malta at hindi na bumalik ay nawalan na ako ng karapatan sa kahit na ano sa kanya.

I love her, and even if it hurts, I guess, all I need to do is accept the fact that I will never have her again.

"What the hell are you doing there?" I suddenly heard Andromeda's voice. Hindi ko napansing nakasunod siya sa akin. She told me she's going to look for something she could give my brother later, but now she's here and I know that she saw Rafaelle. I didn't want her to see Rafaelle. Knowing Andy, she will do something that I will be regretting later.

And that's exactly what she did. That's exactly why I am here now, sitting beside her, Oceana on my lap while she eats her bagels, habang si Andy ay walang sawang kinatanong – tanong si Rafaelle at ang kasama nitong lalaki na ang pangalan ay Atlantis. Hindi ko alam kung bakit naiinis ako sa pangalang Atlantis. I am old enough to know my feelings and I am jealous as fuck. Hindi ako dapat nakakaramdam ng ganito, but I couldn't help it. I love her so much and the fact that she is laughing like that, smiling along with whatever he is saying, nodding as she listens to what Atlantis had to say – hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili kong maalala ang mayroon kami dati. She used to smile at me like that, she used to be that attentive to me. Now I am seeing what I had to let go. I hated it. All I could think about is that it should've been me in his place – making Rafaelle smile. I will do everything just to make her smile again.

"You have your own bakery?" Naulinigan ko si Andy na nagsalita. I had to look at her. Mukhang enjoy na enjoy siya sa pakikipag – usap sa dalawa. I sighed again.

"No. It's not mine. I just help my sister and my mother."

"So, what do you do?" Muling tanong ng hipag ko. What does he do? I am intrigued. Mukhang wala siyang trabaho. How can he support Rafaelle if he doesn't have a stable income? Hindi naman sa pagmamayabang but when Rafaelle and I were together, I spoiled her – a lot. Even if she's not asking for it, I give it all to her. Hindi rin naman kasi mahilig si Rafaelle sa mga material na bagay.

She wanted security and comfort – that is also the reason why our baby – daddy dynamic came to be.

I enjoyed taking care of her, and she loves it when she's being taken cared of. Hindi na rin ako nagulat dahil na rin iyon sa nature ni Rafaelle, she needed to be independent at an early eage because of their family situation. I, on the other hand grew up always taking care of my brothers, making sure that they are all in a good place. Hanggang sa nakilala ko si Rafaelle ay nadala ko ang bagay na iyon.

Oh I love her.

"I'm an athlete."

"You are?" Rafaelle looked so surprised. Tumaas naman ang kilay ko.

"What kind of athlete?" Hindi ko napigilan ang pagtatanong sa kanya. I am intrigued. What kind of athlete is he? Could he provide for her? Rafaelle needs to be taken cared of. If he couldn't do that, I'm not sure if I can just sit and watch. I am very much aware that Rafaelle is someone that can take care of herself, I just want to make sure that whoever she's with can do the same for her.

"Olympian athlete. I play for the country's national Polo Team. Sa last Olympics, last October, we won silver. I know it's not much—"

"Anong not much?" Rafaelle spoke. "You're a national treasure, Atlantis!" She exclaimed. Kasabay noon ay ang paghawak niya sa braso ni Atlantis. Napatiim ang mga bagang ko. I noticed Andy looking at me, her left eyes brow was raised. Oh, she is enjoying every moment of my fucking misery.

"Yah! National treasure versus an ass. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk." She whispered to me then she clicked her tongue while shaking her head. If I don't respect and love my brother, siguro kanina ko pa rin napagsalitaan si Andy. Huminga na lang ako nang napakalalim bago ako tumingin kay Atlantis. I could see hearts in Rafaelle's eyes. Did she really move on from me?

"Congratulations, Atlantis."

"Thanks, Pare." Gusto kong sabihin na h'wag niya akong tawaging pare dahil hindi naman kami magkaibigan. Suddenly, his phone rang, and he had to answer it. Rafaelle, then took that as a chance to sip on her coffee. Bigla siyang napatingin sa akin, she smiled, and then she finally speaks to me.

"I'm sorry, Felipe. I haven't been able to answer your call. I just... I needed time."

"Oh, that's fine!" Si Andy ang sumagot para sa akin. "He's kind of busy these past few days. Pareho sila ng asawa ko. Hindi ka rin niya maasikaso. So, are you two really dating?" Inginuso pa ni Andy si Atlantis na bahagyang lumayo para kausapin ang kung sinuman.

"Oh! Well, it's not that kind of dating. We just came across each other earlier. Magkapitbahay kami doon sa residential building." Mabilis na paliwanag ni Rafaelle and I asked myself kung tama bang makaramdam ako ng relief pagdating sa bagay na iyon. I needed to pull myself together and smile at her.

"And where is that condo---"

"Rafa." Bumalik si Atlantis. She has this apologetic look on his face. Kahit ayoko ay nakaramdam ako ng pagkatuwa. Something came up. I am sure of that. "I'm so sorry. My mom called, my sister had a kitchen accident and she needed to be rushed to the hospital."

"Oh that's so sad." Wika ko. Siniko ako ni Andy. I don't know if I sounded sincere of not but I don't care. I'm just glad that he is leaving. Nandito si Rafaelle, it means that I can talk to her. I know and I understand that she needed time to think, kung para saan ay hindi ko alam. She looks like she is ready to face me now and if that's the case, I am taking this chance. I want her to know that I can listen to her. But I want her to listen to me to.

"Thanks for the sympathy, Pare." Wika pa sa akin ni Atlantis. I only nodded at him. "But, as I was saying, Rafa, I needed to leave. I'm so sorry. Ihahatid muna kita sa condo bago ako umalis—"

"No need. I can do that." Wika ko. Rafaelle looked at me. "You look like you really need to leave. I am friends with Rafaelle and so is my sister-in-law, we can take her home. Do what you need to do."

"Alright. Thanks, Pare." Sabi niya sa akin. Muli siyang bumaling kay Rafaelle na tila ba nanghihingi pa siya ng approval. Malapit nang maubos ang pasensya ko.

"It's okay." Rafaelle held his arm again. "We will talk later again. Katok ka lang sa condo."

"Thanks, Rafaelle. Babawi ako. Bye!" Nagmamadaling lumabas si Atlantis. When I saw him out of the door, saka lang ako nakangiti nang malawak. I looked at Rafaelle again.

"Where are you going after this? We will take you home."

"Oh... uhm..."

"Oh, my hubby is here." Nagulat ako nang magsalita si Andy. Nakita ko si Ruel na papasok ng Starbucks. Nagpapalapak si Oceana at agad na nagpakarga sa tatay niya. Naglipat – lipat ang tingin ko sa mag – asawa. "What? I messaged him. He asked where I am."

"I was just around the corner, may client call ako. Maagang natapos kaya sinusundo ko na ang mag – ina ko." Sabi niya Ruel sa akin. "Oh, hi, Rafaelle. Nice to see you again."

"So, we will be leaving now, okay? Ingat kayong dalawa."

And that is how I found myself dumbfounded for the second time that day.

xxxx

"YOU really didn't have to do this." Parang nahihiya pa si Rafaelle sa akin. After finishing our coffee, Rafaelle told me that she needed to get some few things for her condo. I gladly came with her. Mas maganda itong nag-spend kami ng time together para naman muli naming makilala ang isa't isa.

"How are you?" I asked her. Kanina ko pa gustong tanungin iyon sa kanya. Hindi lang ako makapagsalita dahil tinutudyo ako ni Andy. It was obvious, she was just trying to get in my nerves. Buti na lang at hindi ko iyon hinayaan.

"I'm good. After what happened at the restaurant, nagkausap naman kami ng kapatid ko. We're kind of working at our relationship together. Hindi ko lang talaga makausap si Mama. I know when she has the chance, she will corner me. Hindi pa ako handang sabihin sa kanya lahat ng nararamdaman ko." Sabi niya sa akin. Rafaelle built a wall around her, hindi para mapalayo sa pamilya niya kundi para protektahan ang sarili niya. She couldn't demand anything from her mother before, ang nasa isip kasi ni Rafaelle noon ay ang mapasaya at maprotektahan ang Mama niya. Now that her mom is happy, I know how she's feeling. She had told me once that she feared if her mom and dad reconcile, she will be feeling outcasted.

"You did a great job, by the way."

"Hmm?" She looked at me. Nasa aisle kami ng mga delata. Rafaelle was looking for something but she stopped to look at me.

"Telling them how you feel... I know how you avoid that. Couldn't help but feel proud of you, Rafaelle. Alam kong hindi mo pa iniisip, but I hope someday, you learn to finally let it all go at masabi mo kay Miss Nadia ang lahat ng nararamdaman mo."

"I am working on that." She looked at me. "Would you look at me differently if I tell you that I wanted to see a doctor for all my fears and anxiety?"

"Of course not." Gustong – gusto kong abutin ang kamay ni Rafaelle, pero hindi ko ginawa. "You do what you need to do."

"I feel like I need to work on myself harder. Para kung sakaling darating iyong panahon na may darating sa buhay ko. I will know how to love them, so what happened to us won't repeat." Sabi niya sa akin bigla. Nakaramdam ako ng pagkauhaw. I couldn't look at Rafaelle. It's obvious that she's really letting go of us. Paano ko sasabihin sa kanya na hindi ganoon ang gusto kong mangyari? That I want her in my life again? That I need her because I love her so much?

"Oh right, Jacqueline and I had a talk. How are you?" She asked again, full of concern.

"I am doing well."

"She seemed so upset." Sabi pa ni Rafaelle. "Hindi ninyo na ba maaayos iyan?"

Now, we're in the middle of the chocolate aisle. Rafaelle is busy again looking for her favorite dark chocolate. I was only looking at her. She's so beautiful, so fragile and all I could think about is how much I want to take care of her. For once, I want to be honest with myself. Gusto kong sabihin kay Rafaelle na lahat ng desisyon ko mula nang umalis ako sa Malta at hindi na bumalik ay pinagsisihan ko na.

It is her that I want and no matter how long it may take, I will wait for her.

"No. I couldn't do it anymore." Sabi ko sa kanya. Rafaelle looked at me. "Hindi ko na kayang lokohin ang sarili ko. I fell in love with someone else, Rafaelle."

"Huh?" Kunot na kunot ang noo niya.

"I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought it was her. With Jacqueline, everything is easy. Even our meeting was easy. Parang tulad sa mga pelikula, boy meets girl, they fell in love and they decided to be with each other, but the thing is, I realized a lot of things while I was with her. I realized that this isn't what I want, Rafaelle."

"Then what do you want?" Halos anas nang lumabas iyon sa bibig niya. Maybe she was feeling it too, maybe not, I don't know. I looked at her - eye to eye and I finally let it all out.

"I broke it off because I couldn't bear the thought of being with someone else. It will be unfair to her, it will be unfair to me. I can't pretend anymore, Rafaelle. I love you. I still do. I love you so much and everything that I did, and didn't do, I am regretting it now. I will do everything to win you back again – no matter how long it takes, no matter what happens, I will wait for your decision. But you must know that from this day on, I will be pursuing you."

Rafaelle... well, she looked stunned and I am really hoping that she will say something because I am dying here.