Yaffa's

I WAS too busy playing with Sabello's son that I don't even have any idea about the time. Charles is such a cutie. He's only two years old but he can do a lot already. Tulad ngayon, imbes na laruin niya ang mga bola sa harapan niya, mas interesting para sa kanya ang mga daliri ko. Isinusubo niya ang hinalalaki ko at kapag binabawi ko iyon sa kanya ay tatawa siya nang napakalakas. He makes me laugh so much. I guess going home is the right decision. Kung mag – isa ako sa condo unit sa Metro, siguro umiiyak lang ako dahil sa mga bagay na hindi ko naman kayang kontrolin.

For the last two days that I am here, I realized that I cannot blame myself for the things that I have no control of. Hindi ko pwedeng sisihin ang sarili ko kung hindi ako maintindihan ni Jaqueline – wala akong ginawang masama sa kanya. When I found out that she is dating Felipe, I stepped aside, I did nothing but to watch the from afar. Hindi ko rin dapat sisihin ang sarili ko kung hindi ko maibigay ang gustong sagot ni Felipe matapos niyang sabihin sa akin na mahal niya ako at gusto niya akong bumalik sa kanya. I cannot blame myself if I don't know the answer to his question yet. Sabi ko nga, kung noon niya sinabi sa akin ito, maybe I will move heaven and earth just to be with him again, but now, the fact that I have no idea how to handle this situation only means one thing: that I have moved on – kahit paano, may progress sa sarili ko. Kahit paano, kahit paunti – unti, nakakaalis ako sa lugar kung saan ako iniwanan noon ni Felipe.

Hindi ko siya sinisisi sa nangyari sa amin. If I can be blamed for one thing, it is that -pero ngayon kasi ay nais kong makaramdam ng galit sa kanya dahil kung hindi naman pala niya ako kayang bitiwan nang tuluyan, bakit niya pa kasi ako iniwanan? My god, I feel like I have this moving on things backwards.

Ginugulo niya ang isipan ko. Gusto kong magalit pero sa dami ng emosyon na nararamdaman ko, hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong unahin. My mind came back to reality when Charles bit my hand a bit harder this time. Tawa siya nang tawa habang hinihintay niya ang reaction ko. I made a funny face and he screamed in awe. Lumakad siya papunta sa akin para yakapin ako. He put his little arms around my neck and kissed my cheek.

"Baby, you're so cute!" Sabi ko habang tawa nang tawa. I didn't notice that Ate Mona was standing near the door by that time. I smiled at her, she did too, but I felt like something is about to happened because when she smiled, she gave me that knowing look. Na-freeze ang ngiti ko.

"Charlie, come, come here." Kinuha niya ang baby. Hinayaan ko namang lumapit ito sa kanya. I waited for her to say something, nang makarga niya ang bata ay saka ako muling tiningnan ni Ate Mona.

"Papa wants you in his study." Sabi niya sa akin.

"And why is that?" I asked in a light tone. May iba talaga kaya lalo akong kinakabahan.

"He said that he wanted to talk to you. Sige na, magpunta ka na roon. And good luck." Kung para saan ang good luck ay hindi ko alam. I just left Charle's playroom and went straight to the first floor where I can find my father's study. Kumatok pa ako ng tatlong beses bago ako pumasok. The first one I saw is my mom. She looked at me with such worry eyes. Napakunot tuloy ang noo ko. Bakit ganoon si Mama? May nangyari ba?

Nasagot ang tanong ko nang makita kong nakatayo si Papa sa gitna ng office niya, sa harapan niya ay si Felipe. Nakayuko na tila ba batang munting pinagagalitan ng tatay niya. My father looked at me. Hindi naman mawala sa mga mata ko ang shock na nararamdaman ko. Nagtuloy ako sa pagpasok kahit na ang gusto ko lang ay umalis na at magkulong sa silid ko. Ano bang ginagawa dito ni Felipe? Bakit hindi na lang ako ang kinausap niya?

"Yaffa." My father spoke. Sinenyasan niya akong maupo sa silya sa tabi ni Felipe. I was, of course, reluctant to do anything. Why would I sit beside him? What is he doing here? Bakit nandito kami sa office ni Papa? My brothers told me once that they often come here kapag may ginagawa silang kalokohan. Ang kaisa – isang tao lang na hindi napunta rito sa office ni Papa para lang pagalitan ay si Ate Mona. Sabi ng ibang mga kapatid naming, dahil daw iyon paborito ni Papa si Ate Mona – and everyone knows that. Kita ng lahat ng paborito nga ni Papa si Ate. But why am I here? I didn't want to look at Felipe. Baka mapaiyak ako. I bit my lower lip. Dahan – dahan akong lumakad patungo sa silya sa tabi ni Felipe. I was clasping my hands. I am shaking. Kabang – kaba ako at hindi ko talaga alam ang gagawin ko.

I noticed Papa walked around - probably to talk to my mom – so I took that as a chance to turn to Felipe. I made a face. "What are you doing here?" I hissed at him. He looked so apologetic that moment – na para bang hindi naman talaga niya sinasadya ang mga bagay na ito, pero huli na ang lahat. I know he wanted to say something, but Papa came back. By that time, he sat at his chair and looked at Felipe and me. Napalunok ako. Iba talaga ang kabang nararamdaman ko ngayon. I feel like a little kid who got caught stealing cookies in a jar. That never happened to me, but I guess this is how that feels.

"Rafaelle." Papa focused on me. I blinked and cringed because of the tone of his voice. I blinked a few times before looking at him. "This man came here, knocked on my door and told me without blinking, that he wants to marry you. What do you say about that?"

My eyes almost fell out of my socket. Ang tigas ng lingon ko kay Felipe. He said that?! He did that?! Why would he do something like that to me?! Why? Why?

"Felipe. You only met my daughter during your stay here. Why would you marry her? Isa pa, aren't you with Jaqueline?"

"Jaqueline and I broke up, Sir." Magalang na wika niya. Hindi talaga maalis ang tingin ko kay Felipe. Why is he doing this? Hindi ba't dapat ako muna ang kausapin niya pagdating sa mga bagay na ito? "Also, Rafaelle and I have known each other for a long time. We were in a relationship, but we broke up because..."

"Because..."

"Paeng..." Mom suddenly spoke. I looked back at her. I was asking for help. Ayoko rito. I want to go back to Charles' bedroom and play with my nephew, or whatever, heck! I would even tend to the horse! I just don't want to be here at this moment!

"Bakit hindi natin hayaang mag – usap ang dalawa? It's their lives, let them be." Hindi iyon ang gusto kong sabihin ni Mama, but the fact that Papa will be leaving, made it a little lighter. Huminga lang siya nang napakalalim pagkatapos ay tumayo na rin siya at nilapitan si Mama. Not a moment later, they are both out of the door and I only realized that I was holding my breath right after I heard the clicking sound that indicates the closing of the door. I finally breathed out all the frustrations. Binalingan ko si Felipe.

"Are you out of your mind?!" I was hissing – trying to keep my voice down. Hindi ako mapakali. Hindi siya sumasagot – parang tulad ko ay hindi rin niya alam ang gagawin niya o kung ano ang ginawa niya. Hindi niya alam kung anong consequence ang dala niya ngayon.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't know what come over me, but I only thought about losing you and I cannot lose you again, Yafa."

"Kung ayaw mo pala akong mawala, sana hindi moa ko iniwanan noon." Puno ng hinanakit na wika ko. "I loved you. I wanted you. I asked you to wait for me, but you didn't. You left and I tried so hard to move on kahit ang sakit – sakit, Felipe!" I don't even know if I am making sense o kung naiitindihan ako ni Felipe. Pero lahat ng sama ng loob ko ay ilalabas ko na.

"What do you think happened to me when I realized that you won't be coming back to our place? What do you think I felt when you walked into the front door with Jaqueline? Nasaktan ako, Felipe. Hindi pwedeng basta ka na lang babalik sa buhay ko na akala iyon na iyon. I am healing. I am trying my best. What the fuck do you want from me?" Tuloy – tuloy lang ang pag-agos ng luha ko. Walang masabi si Felipe. Hindi ko na rin alam kung anong mangyayari.

My parents would expect something out of this. Mom would want to know what will happen. She will feel guilty because of this. Ayokong mangyari iyon. Masaya na si Mama sa kung nasaan siya ngayon, bakit kasi nangyayari pa ito.

"I'm so sorry." Sabi niya sa akin. "Yafa, I'm sorry. I know I said that I will wait, but I got so scared. Ayokong mawala ka sa buhay ko."

"Sana hindi moa ko iniwanan." Muling wika ko. Iyak lang ako nang iyak. Felipe stood there, he tried to touch me, he tried to calm me down pero ako ang lumayo.

"Please, please, let me be." Iniwanan ko siya sa loob ng office ni Papa. I saw my parents standing on the corner but I didn't even stop to talk to them. I am so overwhelmed right now. Hindi maganda abg nararamdaman ko, gusto kong mag – isa. Umakyat ako sa silid ko at doon iniiyak lahat ng luha ko. He told me he'd wait for my answer, bakit parang minamadali niya ako? Hindi ko nga alam kung anong gagawin sa buhay ko, sa nararamdaman ko, sa feelings na ito tapos nandito siya at tila ba guguluhin ang mundo ko. He just had to talk to my father about the things I am trying so hard to hide from them. I wanted to hate him, but still my heart cannot. I sighed and hugged the pillow beside me.

I just hope that things will be better. Kapag sana kumalma na ako at maliwanag na ang isipan ko, maybe I can finally think about what to do and how to approach this problem.

Yes... yes. I hope that times comes.

xxxx

I WOKE UP at eight in the evening. Noong una ay hindi ko pa alam kung anong nagaganap, but then, I remembered what happened earlier, kung sinong nasa ibaba at kung anong nangyari sa office ni Papa. I groaned in frustration. Bakit ba kasi ngayon pa nangyari ito? Sana umuwi na lang si Felipe. Sana naisip niyang ibigay sa akin ang hinihingi kong espasyo. I heard a knock on the door – a sign that it's dinner time already. Tamad na tamad akong tumayo, pero mag – aalala lang si Mama kung hindi ako lalabas ngayon. I fixed myself and conditioned my mind to face my family with a smile. I got out of my room, and went straight to the dining area, iyong inihanda kong ngiti ay nawala dahil namataan ko si Felipe sa dining area na kasabay kumain ng mga magulang ko.

My mom was even giving him some ulam and he politely accepted it. Babalik sana ako sa itaas, sa silid ko, muling magkukulong but Mom saw me already kaya hindi na ako makababalik. I smiled at her and sat on my seat. Katabi ko si Felipe. Papa and Mama looked at each other and then to us.

"Kamusta ang pag – uusap ninyong dalawa?" Papa asked me. Talaga bang hindi niya alam? I expect na dahil nandito pa si Felipe, nakapag – usap na silang dalawa. I only smiled.

"I am not here to pressure, Yafa, Sir." Walang abog na wika niya. "I still want to marry her, that is if she'll have me. I will patiently wait for her. Nakapaghintay naman na ako nang matagal, hindi na ako maiinip. I will make it up to her." Sabi niya kay Papa. Nakatitig lang ako kay Felipe. Napakadali para sa kanya ang sabihin ang mga salitang iyon. Anong gagawin ko? Pakiramdam ko ay wala na akong choice. I saw Mama smiling a bit. At that moment, she looks so proud of what she is hearing. Para bang sinasabi niyang: Yes, that's right, my daughter is worth waiting.

Maybe she was feeling guilty because of the things I told her the other night. Wala namang magulang na ayaw sumaya ang anak, baka ganoon ang iniisip niya. But mom has to understand that I need to be happy by myself for a while dahil sa tagal kong nagpaalipin sa sakit na nararamdaman ko nang iniwanan ako ni Felipe noon. I want this story of mine to be a healing process. Kung sa huli, mamahalin ko pa rin siya at mamahalin niya pa rin ako, then so be it. But I need to heal first.

"Hey hey!" Dumating si Crisanto, Aelise at si Sabello. Hindi ko alam kung saan sila galing, pero thankful ako kasi they are here to break the ice. I started to eat. I was expecting my siblings to just sit down and eat too, pero napatingala ako habang taking – taka kung bakit ba napakatahimik nilang lahat.

"Ay hala. Lagot." Sabi bigla ni Aelise. I met her eyes, but my gaze went to Santi who was looking at me, and then to Felipe. Nakakuyom ang mga palad niya.

"Santi, no." Sabi ni Sabello.

"Tang ina!" Para bang gigil na gigil siya. Next thing I knew, dinampot niya sa collar si Felipe. Napasigaw si Mama, si Papa naman ay agad na tumayo. Ako naman ay hindi mapakali. My brother dragged Felipe out of our home. Nakasunod akong hindi alam ang nangyayari. What the hell does he want from us?

"Santi!" Sigaw ko. Lalong lumakas iyon nang suntukin ni Santi si Felipe sa mukha.

"Matagal na akong nagtitiis sayo! Why do you keep on making her cry! You motherfucker!"

"Crisanto Arandia!" Sigaw ni Papa. Hinatak ni Sabello si Santi palayo. Gigil na gigil siya. Ako naman ay lumapit kay Felipe na nasa lupa noon habang hawak ang pangang sinapak ng kapatid ko.

"Are you okay?" Lumuluhang tanong ko. "Does it hurt a lot? Your nose is bleeding." Sunod - sunod na wika ko. Binalingan ko si Santi. Galit na galit na hinatak niya ako palapit sa kanya.

"Ano ba!" Tinulak ko siya.

"Stop hurting yourself!" He hissed at me. "We are all trying to take care of you, to keep you happy pero bakit balik ka nang balik sa mga taong nanakit sa'yo? It's time for you to be happy, Rafaelle!"

What Santi said hit me so hard. He is right. My tears fell again. I kept on looking back on Felipe and him and my family.

It is true what they said, happiness is found in your home with your family, but there ar times where happiness can be found in a faraway land and into yourself. Maybe my case is the second one.