Longing 

Rafa's

I feel better now. Maybe Felipe was right, well in the kind of relationship we had, he was always right. He knows what I want even before I tell him, or even before I have figured myself up, he already knows. Kaya siguro naisip ko noong sobrnag perfect naming sa isa't isa, kaya naisip ko noon na kahit na anong gawin ko ay hindi ako iiwanan ni Felipe dahil sobrang patient niya pagdating sa akin, well, now I know that's not even possible, but at least we had the talk, and we have closed that chapter of our lives and now, I feel a lot better.

Kung mayroon isang tao sa hacienda na hindi maganda ang mood, si Jaqueline iyon. I'm sure she is missing him, but she stayed here, Nakakaramdam siguro siya ng pagtatampo kay Felipe. Nasabi kasi ni Jaque sa akin na nangako raw ang fiancé niya sa kanya na rito muna sila hanggang sa susunod na buwan, I also noticed that she isn't answering his calls, baka nag – LQ talaga. I just silently hope that they will be able to get through this and things will be better between them again.

It is a beautiful Wednesday morning – well for me – dahil nang makita ko si Crisanto ay nakasimangot na kaagad siya, so naisip kong baka hindi maganda ang Wednesday para sa kanya. My family always have breakfast sa Lanai at doon ako nagdiretso. I was all smiles when I saw my Mom and Papa sitting at their own respective seats, talking to one another, Ditas – my already 17- years – old niece is here too, she was busy dipping her suman sayema. As usual, Crisanto isn't smiling, but I am now, so I don't really care.

"Morning, Family!" I giggled at them. Lalong kumunot ang noo ni Santi nang makita ako.

"You look well." Komento niya sa akin.

"Santi, tigilan mo si Yafa, ha." Babala agad ni Papa sa kanya. Nanlaki naman ang mata ng kapatid ko.

"Pa! Wala pa nga akong ginagawa!"

"Ah, basta! Ayusin mo iyang pakikitungo sa kapatid mo." I kissed my mother's cheek, Mom gave me a plate of rice, pinapipili niya ako ng ulam.

"Anak, kausapin mo nga si Jaque, she seemed so sad these past three days. Maybe she's missing Felipe."

"Kung nami-miss niya pala si Felipe, bakit hindi na lang kasi siya sumama umuwi doon sa lalaking iyon?" Komento pa ni Santi. Hindi man kami magkasundo dahil sa mga ilang bagay sa pagitan naming dalawa, I know for a fact that he is right, pero naiintindihan ko rin si Jaque, nagtatampo siguro talaga siya kay Felipe. I only nodded at my mom and made a note to knock on her door later bago ako magpunta sa shop ni Pan.

Matapos kong kumain ay inakyat ko si Jaque sa silid niya. I knocked three times, the door was open so I ame in. I found her laying on the bed, looking sad. Ako lang yata talaga ang gumaan ang pakiramdam sa pag – alis ni Felipe. He is really right, hindi maganda para sa akin na nandito siya. He knows that I couldn't breathe while he is here that's why I am this thankful that he chose to leave than stay here and watch me till I lose it all.

I sat on the edge of the bed and patted Jaque's feet. Tumingin siya sa akin. I gave he ra kind smile, noon siya bahagyang humarap sa direksyon ko. Later, she sat up, hugged her knees and gave out a deep sigh.

"Jaque, what's wrong? Is it Felipe? If you miss him that much, you could just come home too. Not that you're not welcome here, we love having you her,e but if you miss him to the point that you are this miserable---"

"I don't think Felipe loves me."

Natigilan ako. I feel like my world is crumbling too. Napakalungkot ng boses nii Jaqueline isama pa ang reaksyon ng mukha niya. She looked like she didn't even have an ounce of sleep, her eyes were fluffy – tulad noong mga mata ko noong nakaraang mga araw dhail wala akong tigil ng iyak. My heart is breaking for her, pero paano niya nasabi na hindi siya mahal ni Felipe gayong siya ang inaya nitong magpakasal? Of course, Felipe loves her, hindi si Felipe iyong tipo ng taong magse-settle for convenience. He knows what he wants and he will never settle for less. Napakamature na tao ni Felipe, hindi siya tulad ng mga gagong kalalakihan sa mundo and that is why I find it hard to believe that he isn't in love with Jaqueline. I saw the way he looks at her and it's full of love.

"W-what? Why, why are you saying that? He asked you to marry him, mahal ka niya." She was shaking his head. Huminga ako nang malalim, may tendency si Jaque na maging childish, baka naman kasi kung ano – ano lang ang iniisip niya kaya biglang nauwi siya sa ganoon. I sighed. I took her hand. "He loves you. Have you seen the way he looks at you?"

"He never tells me he loves me." Ikinagulat ko iyon. Felipe is always vocal of his feelings. Hindi siya nahihiya na sabihin aty ipakita sa lahat ng tao ang nararamdaman niya noon. Isa nga iyon sa mga pinag-aawayan namin noon. He told his brothers about me, but I never told Mom about him. Tinatanong niya sa akin kung bakit ganoon, hindi ako makasagot. Nagtatampo siya sa akin dahil roon, iyon ang isa sa pinakamalaking red flag sa akin. I neve told anyone about Felipe, and now that I am suffering from this so much pain, wala rin akong mapagsabihan.

"May mga lalaking hindi vocal talaga." I said in a low voice. Ayokong magsalita masyado, baka kung anong lumabas sa bibig ko. Ayokong sabihin kay Jaqueline ang tungkol sa amin ni Felipe, baka hindi makatulong sa kanilang dalawa.

"You don't understand." She said to me. "There is someone else involve here at nahihirapan akong gawing kompitensya ang alaala." Nanlalaki talaga ang mga mata ko. Anong ibig niyang sabihin? "I don't know her name,but I know she's around. Hindi ko alam kung nagkakausap pa silang dalawa o nagkakasama, but the fact that he left the other day, I feel like they are together now."

"Jaque, baka naman may ginagawa lang talaga siya sa Metro."

"He called her name, twice." Sabi niya pa. Lalong nagpanting ang tainga ko. May babae nga ba si Felipe? "The night before he left, maybe he was dreaming but he called her, loud and clear – Amada. He kept on calling her." Napahawak ako sa dibdib ko. Amada... Felipe used to call me that. In Portuguese, Amada means sweetheart. Hindi ako makatingin kay Jaque, natatakot akong baka mabasa niya ang nasa isipan ko.

Bumalik sa reyalidad ang pag – iisip ko nang marinig kong humagulgol ang pinsan ako. Agad ko naman siyang inalo.

"I love him so much, Yafa!" She sounded so desperate. "I know that when we met, I had a feeling that he was just trying to get over someone, but I fought hard for his love and his attention kasi mahal ko siya. Akala ko noong inalok niya ako ng kasal, magiging maaayos na ang lahat pero mali pa rin ako." She kept on crying. "Whoever this Amada is, I am going to ruin her!"

Napalunok ako, humigpit ang yakap ko sa kanya. Ang buong akala ko ba ay nakalimot na si Felipe, bakit niya ako tinatawag? I sighed. Maybe it was only a one time thing only, maybe he just dreamed of me that one time because we talked. Baka may mga bagay siyang gustong sabihin sa akin na hindi niya nasabi. I used to dream a lot of things about him, pero noong nasabi ko na sa kanya ang lahat, naging magaan ang loob ko... I am sure that I am near healing. But after learning this, tulad ni Jaqueline, hindi na naman ako mapakali, pakiramdam ko ay bumalik ako sa simula.

I let her be for a while. I went on my day. Nagpunta ako kay Pan para pag – usapan ang mga plano naming para sa first ever collaboration naming dalawa. We have decided to work together and that idea for me is a blast. I had always admired Pan and her works, pero kahit na gaano pa ako kasaya ngayon sa pagtatrabaho naming dalawa ay hindi ko magawang mag – focus, I kept on replying in my head that Felipe called my while he was sleeping. What will I do with that kind of information?

"Pan?" I looked at her. She was busy looking at my designs. Ngiting – ngiti siya. I think she likes my work but that's not my focus right now. "How many exes did you have bago kayo ni Toto?"

"Uhmmm? I think, that's isa lang naman. I met him back in high school. Like bakit mo ni-ask?" Of course, I have stirred her curiosity.

"I have an ex..." I said to her. "And he's now getting married."

"Oh! Goodie! Wait, is it a good thing or no? Depends no? If you're still in love with him, are you?"

"Yes." Sabi ko naman sa kanya. Wala namang masama kung aamin ako. Pan doesn't know Felipe, she has no idea what happened to us. She has no idea that Felipe once asked me to marry him, I declined.

"Awww..." Nagbago ang histura niya. "Like, so sad naman. Why can't you move on? Is his titi malaki, is that why?" Natawa ako.

"Yes, malaki ang titi niya but that's not why I can't move on. Anyway, I had talk to his fiancée now, and she told me that my ex called my name twice while sleeping. What should I do with this information?"

Pan shook her head. "You do nothing with that information, Rafaelle." She sighed. "Iba na ang karelasyon niya, that's not you na, even if you know that part, you should stay away because you are not a part of his life anymore..."

"But... But I just want to know why he called me..."

"Does it matter?" Pan asked me. "You're not his lover anymore. Whatever the reason of your breakup is, the fact remains the same – you are not a part of his life anymore." Inulit – ulit iyon sa akin ni Pan pero hindi pa rin talaga iyon tumatak sa akin. Alam kong mali ang iniisip ko, pero matigas ang ulo ko, hindi ako anak ni Nadia at Paeng para lang sa wala.

I found myself driving to the Metro that night with only one thing on my mind and that is to talk to Felipe and get this over with – once and for all.

xxxx

Felipe's

"YOU came back without your spoiled brat fiancée, Felipe, that's nice."

It was Andromeda who greeted me that Wednesday night. We were about to have dinner in their home. Avo is with me and she is very excited to see Andromeda and Ruel's children. It's a good thing she has given birth to two beautiful children – two years apart – dahil doon, hindi na sa aming magkakapatid naka-focus si Avo. Oh, she is so in love with these little children. Andromeda made sure that the children adore Avo too.

"Jaqueline isn't a brat." I answered Andeng. She had the gall to roll her eyes but she smiled at me. "Oh you may not know it yet, but I can see through her. I have been around spoiled brats my whole life and your fiancée is one of them." Ayoko na ang makipag – argumento sa kanya. I went straight to the dining area, to where Avo is right now. On her lap sits Oceana - Ruel's three year old daughter, we fondly call her Yena, in the stroller, just in front Avo, is where Greco sits. He is only a year old but he is very aware of everything around him. He is giggling so much and Avo loves this. She looks so happy.

"Where is your brat fiancée?" Tanong naman ni Bruno sa akin. I looked at him.

"Where is yours?"

"Oh, Cindy isn't a brat." Tumayo ang kapatid ko. Well that's true, isip bata lang si Cindy dahil bata pa talaga siya pero mabait naman siya sa lahat.

"Told you, Jaqueline is a brat." Bulong ni Andeng sa tainga ko. I just shook my head. Speaking of Jaqueline, I don't know why she is acting like that. She isn't answering my calls. Maayos naman ang paghihiwalay namin noong nakaraan. I even told her to call me if she's coming home already, ipapasundo ko siya sa driver. I would like to collect her myself, but I thought of Rafa so I just decided on the first.

"Rafa is not a brat." Suddenly Ruel spoke. Of all my brothers, si Ruel ang nakakikilala kay Rafa. They met and they clicked. "Oh right, hind inga pala si Rafa ang fiancée mo, si Jaqueline. She is a brat."

"Mayor, sino si Rafa? Akala ko ba no secrets? Who is that and where is she?" Ruel kissed Andeng's cheeks. "She is the only woman Avo thought would be good for Felipe. But they broke up."

"Avo had seen her?" Tanong ni Andeng habang naglilipat – lipat ang tingin sa akin at kay Ruel.

"Sa pictures. I showed her Rafa's picture on Malta, and Avo said she could see nothing but sparkles in her aura. We really thought they'd end up together, but one day he told me he broke it off."

"Awww, and now you're stuck with that brat." Napapailing na wika ni Andeng. What is so bad with Jaqueline? She is sweet, thoughtful and she takes care of me. She always does me favor, kaya hindi maiwasang maging magaan ang loob ko sa kanya dahil sa mga bagay na ginagawa niya para sa akin. Everyday, she makes me see that I will never regret asking her hand for marriage because she is so into me...

The family dinner begun, ang sentro ng atensyon ng family dinner na iyon ay ang mga anak ni Ruel at Andy, everyone is so whipped when it comes to them, pat inga ako ay handang ibigay ang lahat sa magkapatid, kahit titigan lang nila ako nang ganoon. Yena and Gregi are so cute, I don't know how my brother made them like this, but they are so cute.

Nag-usap – usap rin kaming magkakapatid tungkol sa negosyo pagkatapos ng hapunan. Elias Manuel couldn't concentrate because he keeps on texting his baby mama. Yes, Elias Manuel is already a father, but the problem is, tinatago ang anak niya sa kanya. I don't want to touch that part, but I wanted to say that he deserves that. Sabi nga ni Andeng hilong talilong si Elias Manuel pero deserve na deserve.

It was a fruitful night, Avo and I went home before midnight, pagdating sa bahay ay gusto na kaaagad niyang magpahinga, I on the other hand, went to the bar area to fix myself some scotch on the rocks. I needed a glass because I am so sure that I wouldn't be able to sleep again tonight. Walang ibang laman ang isipan ko kundi si Rafaelle. It's funny how things turns out these days.

When I met Jaqueline, I stopped thinking about her. Hindi naman kasi ako mapaglaro sa babae. Avo always tells me that I am loyal, so when it comes to dating, ganoon din ako. Kung si Rafaelle ang karelasyon ko, siya lang ang laman ng puso at isipan ko, si when I started dating Jaqueline, I stopped and dedicated my all to her. I haven't' thought about Rafaelle for a long while, but after seeing her, talking to her and after finally hearing for the first time in so many years that she is in love with me, she is all that I can think about – at wala akong magawa kundi ang hayaan ang sarili ko.

My what ifs are back. What is I had waited for more? Would she finally be mine? What if I fought harder for her, will we still be together now? I used to believe that she and I were meant to be together, but if I think that way, paano si Jaqueline? Does that mean that I am only settling with her because she is convenience? If that's the reason, then I am a fucking asshole. Hindi naman dapat ganito. I kept on dreaming about her. I dreamed that she is in bed with me, in my arms, calm and collected, safe even...

My care giver instinct woke up when I saw Rafa. I wanted to take care of her again, mas malakas ang urge kapag nakikita ko sa mga matan niya kung gaano siya kalungkot. She is still sad, her mother is already married to her dad, and she has her siblings with her, pero nakikita ko pa rin sa mga mata niya ang kalungkutan, I wanted to take care of her and take away the pain.

I had two glasses of scotch when suddenly my phone rang. I thought it was Jaqueline but my eyes widened when I saw Rafa's name appearing in my phone screen. Agad kong sinagot iyon. Her voice did wonders to my mind and body. I held on the phone tightly and waited for her to speak more.

"Can we talk? I know we did already, but I need to talk to you again."

"Where are you?" Is not what I was supposed to tell her. I should tell her that I am busy because I badly needed to avoid her now. This thing is getting dangerous, and I shouldn't see her.

"Manila Hotel. I'll wait for you if you can come."

"That's near. I will be there in twenty."

"Okay. Se-see you."

This is the fastest driving speed I'd ever did. Muntik na akong mag-beating the red light, but I managed to control myself. After twenty – minutes, just like what I promised Rafaelle, I arrived. I gave the valet my keys and while I was walking to the hotel's front door, I saw Rafaelle waiting for me. She is in her casual dress, but from where I am standing, kitang – kita kong hindi siya mapakali. She has her hand clasp together, she kept on walking back and forth, she kept on looking around and when she found me, I saw her eyes lit up a bit. She reluctantly walked to me and gave me an awkward smile.

"Hi..."

One word and she managed to take my breath away.

xxxx

"What is it that you wanted to talk about?" We ended up in a coffee shop inside that hotel. Rafaelle ordered for a cup of long flat white coffee while I ordered a cup of black hot tea. "Hey, hey, it's okay..." I saw her hands were shaking. I wanted to hold her to make sure that she is feeing fine.

"I don't know where to start, Felipe, but I needed to tall you this. I talked to Jaqueline this morning and she seemed so upset."

I knew it. Something is wrong, that is why she's been ignoring my calls.

"I think... I think you need to go back to the hacienda and appease her."

"What about you? You're the one I am thinking about, Rafa. I cannot go back there because I am avoiding that possibility that you might fall to the subspace again. That's not good, Rafaelle."

"You shouldn't be thinking of me. Felipe. Hindi ako ang fiancée mo. You should be taking care of her."

I shook my head. I've been with Jaqueline for almost two and a half years now but I never felt the need to take care of her. She can always take care of herself. Jaqueline never woke my care giver side, unlike Rafa... but I shouldn't be comparing the two because they are not the same person.

"Rafa..."

She looked at me with her beautiful eyes full of doubts. "She said that you called my me while you were sleeping." Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. "Not my name, but your endearment to me. Amada. You shouldn't..." She kept on shaking her head.

"I cannot control that..." Paiyak na si Rafa and it took a lot of effort not to stand up and sit beside her to comfort her.

"But why?"

Why? Well because I am still in love with her but I cannot tell her this. Hindi na kaming dalawa ang magkasama, pinili kong sukuan siya, wala na akong Karapatan, but how can I just let her go? I'd rather let Jaqueline go than her. If I could turn back time, I will never leave Rafa. I will be more patient and I will take care of her more.

"It was just a one-time thing." That's a lie. I know that but I have to tell her that because things are already so complicated.

"Okay... but please, take care of Jaqueline. She is precious, swerte ka sa kanya. A smile appeared on Rafa face. Ang hirap – hirap pigilan ng lahat ng ito. Namutawi sa pagitan naming ang katahimikan. Hindi ko alam kung may dapat pa ba akong sabihin sa kanya, o may sasabihin pa ba siya sa akin. Rafa just concentrated on her coffee, and then she finally looked at me.

"Thank you for coming here, Felipe."

"Is that the only reason why you called me?" She nodded. "You could've just texted me."

"I know, but I also want to see you. "She smiled softly. "I didn't see you for a long while, Felipe, so let me be selfish for a while and let me see you."

"O—okay..." It left me speechless. I have forgotten that she can be bold like this. The two of us ended up talking again. Jaqueline was forgotten and the only thing that mattered at that moment is the fact that I can see her smiling again, I can hear her laughter and her eyes were twinkling again.

Rafaelle is just so beautiful, she is the kind of woman that should be taken cared of.

"Oh, I had taken so much of your time. You need to go."

"Are you staying here?" I couldn't help but ask her. She nodded.

"Didn't want to go to my mom's house. Mag – isa lang kasi ako roon, so I stayed here. Uuwi rin naman ako ng Bulacan bukas ng tanghali."

"I'll take you to your room."

"You don't have to Felipe."

"But I insist." Wika ko pa. Rafa looked at me for a while and she nodded. We walked side by side, tahimik lang kaming dalawa sa loob ng elevator, she was the one who pushed the button, I stood beside her. I am very aware of her everything.

The way her chest raise because of her breathing, her hand being a steady as a rock now, it means that she's not anxious anymore. The elevator door opened, we walked in the middle of the hallway, Rafa was taking her time walking. Pabagal nang pabagal hanggang sa huminto na siya sa tapat ng pinto. She looked at me again.

"Thank you, Felipe. Please take care of yourself. I hope you fix things with my cousin."

"I'll try to talk to her..." I was looking at her face. There's a hint of redness in her cheeks. She took a deep breath. Binuksan niya ang pinto, but before she could even go inside, I grabbed her by the hand, she faced me with her forehead wrinkled. I could see it in her eyes that she has so many questions right now, but I didn't care as of that moment.

"Do... you know your words, Baby?" I will hate myself after this, but I missed her so much. I was never the asshole, but I guess there is always a first time in everything... I am not proud of it, I know it is wrong but my heart doesn't really care.

Rafa's pupils were dilated now. She slowly nodded.

"Then, let's play, Baby... I missed you so much...."