Song: Voices in my head- Ashley Tisdale

He is not able to come over the next day due to work. However every break he gets he calls me and again before I go to sleep to tell me goodnight. On Monday school flies right on by and afterwards I have an appointment with Sarah. My parents take me. They talk to her a few minutes before I go in and now they are waiting for me in the waiting area.

As soon as I'm in her office she hugs me. "So good to see you Coralie...how have you been?"

"OK, I guess...I had a really awesome weekend." I have been doing good but at the same time I know I am struggling to get by.

"Oh...what happened?"

"Well it was my birthday for one..."

"Happy late birthday."

"Thank you...and my parents got me a new Mini Cooper and guess what...they finally agreed to let me see Zayden." I bounce around in the chair.

"Really...bet you are happy about that...so how is he doing?"

"I think he is doing alright. I mean I think when he got home things didn't go so well and now he is living on his own. I also think he started to use again however he promised to quit everything for me."

"Coralie...you know it's really hard to just stop when you have been addicted for so long. He may be trying but don't get upset if he can't."

I glance down at my hands and grab a hold of them because I notice how they are starting to tremble. "I know...I know he will try though. My parents made him promise that if he wants to see me he has to be clean."

She doesn't let it by her. She looks down but then reverts her eyes back towards me. "Ok...but I'm just saying don't get upset if he doesn't. So your parents set some limits I see."

"Yeah...but it will be fine. We just want to see each other."

She writes a few things down in her notebook.

"I'm not your mom however I want you to be protected...I know boys his age and they all want something...they say they don't but believe me they do. It's human to have those feelings. Just promise me if you two decide to do anything you will both have protection."

"OK...but I'm telling you he is not that way."

She shakes her head. "So how are you really doing? Are you sleeping well, eating...hearing the voices?"

I tighten the grasp on my hands and sigh. I don't want to look at her but even if I don't she will know. She has always been able to see right through me. "Truthfully..."

"Yes...I need to know if you want my help."

I start to fiddle with the bottom seam of my shirt. I take a deep breath. "Some days are alright I guess...others not so well. I think I hear them more at night...mostly Cora but Willow came out a few weeks ago and now she keeps trying to take over.

"What happened to make her surface?"

"I went to see Zayden...but he wasn't home. One of his so called friends was there and I should have left but he talked me into staying and waiting. I think he slipped something into a drink he gave me because I started to feel dizzy. I tried to leave and he wouldn't let me."

"So you felt trapped."

"I guess so...yeah I did. I thought he was going to rape me. He called me 'baby girl' and I flipped out. And Willow took over hitting the crap out of him but he hit me back. I don't know what I did...I don't really remember. I ran out of the apartment and fell down the steps and Zayden was there to pick me up. I was really messes up and was trying to leave but he wouldn't let me drive in my condition."

"So he triggered your memory when he called you 'Baby girl' and then he was trying to touch you. I can see what happened. She came out in fear of not only this guy but of Derrick."

"I hate that name...every time I hear it...it make me cringe. I wish I could get him out of my mind but he is still there."

"He is dead; he can never hurt you again."

I throw my hand up and bite down on my lip. "I know but it's like he is there all the time, everywhere. How do I get past it?"

"Well you could tell yourself that he is dead and there is no way he will ever be able to hurt you. Or write it all down in your journal to get it off your mind...or..."

"Or what?"

"Confess...admit it to his wife, admit it to the judge...maybe even out loud to God. You're holding it all in. You are going to have to release it all. I can't guarantee it will work but you need to try something before it continues to eat you alive inside."

I keep shaking my head no at her. If I admit everything it might just make matters worse. "I don't know if I can do that?"

"So don't...but if you want to release any guilt...you're going to have to confess out loud."

"I did to you and the whole group...but he is still there all in my thoughts." Will it even make a freaking difference if I say anything to his wife. "Do you think it will really help?"

"I don't know...nothing is simple in life. I think you should try though. So I do want to up your medication and I want to see you at least once a week. Let's see how the meds work for the next two weeks if you are still having trouble...I might switch you to a different kind."

"Ok." I'm not sure any medication will really keep them away. But I am willing to try anything. 

"In the mean time, I want you to write everything in your journal and if you want to try group therapy you are more than welcome to come on Thursday nights."

"OK...I will think about it."

"Now before you go...give me another hug."

I stand up and she walks around her desk. Her arms open up to welcome me into a hug. I love the way she feels up next to me and her light scent of pumpkin spice fills the air around me.

"I can't promise you that everything is going to be fine but I can promise we will work on making things a little better."

"Thank you Sarah...you're the best." I let go of her and we step back away from each other at the same time.

"Any time...oh..."she turns to grab a card off her desk and hands it to me. "Here is my card...you can call me any time, ok."

"Anytime?"

Her lips turn upward into a genuine smile. "Yes...even if it's midnight...if something major...call me...I'm always here for you."

"Thanks again Sarah."

I take the card and slide it into my back pocket then go out into the waiting area to meet my parents.

"Well..." They both say at the same time.

"Well...I think she at least understands me...let's go." I head out the door and they just look at each other and follow behind me.

Halfway home I bring it up, why because I know Sarah is right. "Sarah says I should confess to killing Derrick...she thinks I need to get it all out of my system."

Both of them look at each other and are dead silent.