◤ frecklepaw ◥

♔ cisgender. he/him. ♔

♔ vitiliginous black tom with small white spots and light green eyes. ♔

♔ perceptive. intelligent. can easily read others. good at discerning lies. calm. loyal. compassionate. forgiving. reasonable. thoughtful. mature. easily deterred by failure. ♔

◣ ❝ take a moment, remind yourself to take a moment and find yourself ❞ ◢

❦ story ❦

the mottled gray she-cat stood at the lichen-covered rock, staring at the overgrown vine curtain. dolphinriver had told her to come here after eating her fresh-kill, but they hadn't told her why. what did hornetstar want with her? she was fairly sure that she hadn't done anything special recently.

but worrying wouldn't do her any good. taking a deep breath, the skinny gray she-cat slipped into the leader's den. there, her leader already waited, her brown eyes glimmering with the sunrays that shone through the broken vine screen.

"hello, mottledsap."

"hornetstar." mottledsap dipped her head respectfully. the she-cat's voice was still soft and raspy with disuse; even now, nearly three moons after her warrior ceremony, she still rarely spoke to anyone except her friends. "you wanted to see me?"

hornetstar nodded. "don't worry, mottledsap," she meowed half-jokingly, "you're not in any sort of trouble. i just needed to ask you a few questions."

mottledsap nodded nervously. she had no expectations for what hornetstar wanted to say... but at least she'd already told her that it wasn't anything bad.

"you've always been quite closed-off except to your sibling and your friends." hornetstar tucked her forepaws under her and settled down comfortably in her nest. "and you don't talk much unless you're directly addressed."

"... yes." mottledsap tried hard not to fidget her paws. where was this going?

"my first question, mottledsap, is this: do you simply not feel comfortable speaking to others? or would you like to be more social?"

mottledsap felt the fur along her spine prickle. "um, well..." mottledsap's gaze darted around the den floor, and her tail tip flicked about with nervous energy. "i-it's not like i don't want to, but- but i really just feel better talking to the cats i'm close to." mottledsap wanted to shrink into her own pelt. why did hornetstar need to know this? even if she was leader, she didn't need to pry into what mottledsap's social life felt like.

she did, however, have enough respect for hornetstar to refrain from telling her to lay off.

"and would you speak more to them if you knew them better?"

mottledsap didn't answer for a while. her throat had seemingly closed on its own, and her mind blanked for words. hornetstar didn't push her for an answer.

"i..." mottledsap swallowed and dragged her gaze up towards her leader. her eyes unwittingly stopped at hornetstar's nose, unable to meet her gaze. "i mean, sure... but it's not like i'd know them u-unless i talked to them, and, uh..."

mottledsap must've been unable to hide her discomfort, because hornetstar turned away, letting out a sigh that mottledsap was sure she'd not intended for her to hear. "i apologize for putting you through this; i didn't foresee you... disliking it so much, to say the least."

hornetstar was silent for a while. "mottledsap, what i wanted to find out was whether or not you'd be interested in- or rather, are you capable of- taking on an apprentice."

what?

"couldn't you have just led with that?" mottledsap asked weakly.

hornetstar chuckled softly. "should i have? i wouldn't know. i'm not an expert on speaking to other cats either." hornetstar flicked her ear and stretched in her nest. "you told me... that you wouldn't be against having a closer relationship with the other cats if you knew them better."

"i guess you can say that," mottledsap murmured. "but what does this have to do with... i mean, hornetstar, there have to be other, more well-suited warriors to give apprentices."

"indeed there are." mottledsap hadn't anticipated hornetstar agreeing with her statement so quickly. "but you're the one who needs an apprentice the most."

"... what do you mean?"

"you never knew me in my younger days, but you remind me of how i was then." hornetstar pushed herself up, moss scraps hanging on to her lower forelegs. mottledsap let her gaze lay on those instead of hornetstar's face. "tragedy after tragedy caused me to grow cold and cynical- ah, but you're doing far better than i was then," hornetstar mused. "you've been getting much better. maybe it was my own biased vision that made me worry about you so much."

mottledsap blinked. the clan leader worrying personally for her? mottledsap didn't know whether to feel honoured or worried. maybe a tinge of both?

"it took fishriver forever to bring me out of the shell i'd grown for myself," hornetstar murmured. "oh," she meowed, seeing mottledsap's confusion, "you wouldn't know him. he was the deputy before dolphinriver, and the best friend i could have ever wished for."

"you're becoming lost in thoughts, hornetstar."

"so i am." hornetstar blinked slowly. " if you're happy the way you are, i will not force you to assimilate with the others, but if you're willing, i think having an apprentice will help you greatly. skylark's litter will be six moons in just a few days, so i was thinking of letting you mentor frecklekit."

frecklekit? mottledsap knew the names of every cat in deltaclan, but she didn't know of a frecklekit.

"ah- i mean to say, minkkit," hornetstar amended. "skylark and myrtleslash have requested him be renamed, and waiting until the apprentice ceremony makes things much more convenient for everyone."

mottledsap nodded. it made sense; when the kit turned five moons old, white spots had suddenly begun to sprout on his formerly jet black pelt- luckily, the spots didn't seen to have any effect on his health, but he didn't bear resemblance to the animal he was named after anymore. with the kit's new white specks, frecklekit was certainly a better suiting name than minkkit. but something still bothered mottledsap.

"they did talk to him about this, right?"

hornetstar's gaze travelled to the den entrance. "you'll have to speak to skylark or myrtleslash, because i honestly don't know... but most kits can get used to anything."

"but-" mottledsap cut herself off, and then sighed. hornetstar wasn't the one she had to turn to for reassurance.

"you know, you can just ask him about it when you're his mentor," hornetstar teased. "you haven't said no, and you already seem to be looking out for him."

"what? b-but i don't-"

"mottledsap, you're not going to be perfect, and no one expects you to be. just let yourself learn by helping your apprentice learn, and maybe he'll teach you a thing or two as well." hornetstar's gentle gaze bore into mottledsap, and the mottled gray she-cat looked up at her. "even then, if you accept and then change your mind, i can always reassign a mentor."

"i've already decided to give pebblekit to martencry; as for witherkit..." hornetstar studied mottledsap, a kind of knowing glinting behind the wisps of thought on her face. "she goes to havenecho, so your fellow mentors will be cats who you're familiar with."

"but it's obvious to me that you already care greatly for the others- enough to consider whether or not minkkit will accept frecklepaw his new name, and enough to care about witherkit's identity..." hornetstar allowed herself a mischievous smile. "enough to correct your clan leader. not that i mind, of course."

"so what do you say?"

"... you can just see right through me, can't you?"

hornetstar laughed. "yes or no, mottledsap? it's okay if you don't want to take an apprentice right now, but-"

"no, it's not like i don't want to- i'm ju- just worried that he won't learn anything from me." mottledsap kneaded her paws on the hard floor. "if i don't teach him well, then..."

"just remember what mothdazzle taught you, and remember what you know, and pass it on. go well, motlledsap; i trust you to guide minkkit down the right path."

mottledsap paused. "... does that mean i should go now?"

"and send havenecho here on the way, if you will."

***

later on, mottledsap would come to wonder if hornetstar had specifically chosen him for her to mentor, because frecklepaw... frecklepaw was perfect for her. he was insightful and patient and mature, and he was a quick learner too- mottledsap found him easier to mentor than she'd initially expected, but once she was doing it, it actually felt good.

so hornetstar had been right. frecklepaw had surprised her. and though she didn't notice herself, her confidence levels grew stronger by the day.

mottledsap might've seen the young tom as a blessing from starclan. but in truth, frecklepaw was just another apprentice. or at least, that was how he saw himself.

he played like any other apprentice, and learned to hunt and fight and learned the warrior code like every warrior before him. his parents were just regular warriors too. all he did was try to help- which, to him, seemed natural.

being a perceptive cat, he could easily tell what was bothering someone, and then somehow pull out the right words to relieve them of their burdens a little. he tried to be understanding whenever someone was worrying and always looked at both points of view whenever there was a quarrel so that he could be as fair as possible. and of course it was common sense to be as gentle as possible to a cat with something on their mind.

most of the time, frecklepaw's mediative skill was used for alleviating the worries of the other apprentices, namely his sister witherpaw, who still had occasional anxieties over her transition. frecklepaw could usually take on the troubles of his peers, helping them with his words of comfort.

and then he didn't.

***

frecklepaw and pebblepaw followed mottledsap back to camp. it had been four sunrises since martencry had disappeared from the territory, and since havenecho had reported their disappearance, hornetstar had sent almost constant patrols around the territory to find them. havenecho had even led a patrol with olivebranch, jasminecrest and myrtleslash to look for martencry outside of clan territory, but all of them had yet to return.

now, the three cats strode through the tall oaks and alders in silence, somber because of their worry for their clanmate- a clanmate who was also pebblepaw's sibling, rendering the usually rambunctious young cat dull with some sort of preemptive grief.

because after four days of silence, deltaclan was losing hope of finding them.

frecklepaw felt his muscles tighten with exhaustion as he walked. pebblepaw went even slower than frecklepaw did, his gaze never leaving the ground, tail tip dragging in the dust behind him. a few tail-lengths in front, mottledsap kept a steady pace, not saying anything- not unusual for mottledsap, but even she seemed subdued compared to normal.

they entered camp wordlessly. inside, no one said a word as mottledsap shook her head, indicating that she and her cats hadn't found them either.

witherpaw was already in camp, sitting with her mother skylark as the latter spoke to hornetstar. the chocolate colourpoint only stared at her paws, sitting still, giving no indication that she was paying attention to the conversation above her head. skylark looked vaguely uncomfortable, and hornetstar's expression was somber. frecklepaw hadn't a clue what they were talking about.

a flicker of movement from pebblepaw. frecklepaw watched the flame point trudge towards their sister, their steps jerky like they were forcing themselves to move. frecklepaw nudged mottledsap, asking silently for permission to follow them.

mottledsap blinked and looked at her apprentice, and when he angled his ears at his friend, only gave a weary nod.

"they are my kit, hornetstar... you can't expect me to give up hope." frecklepaw pricked up his ears as skylark's whimper rang in the air.

"... i know that you will not accept martencry's death unless you can prove it." hornetstar averted her gaze from the wracked she-cat's face. "but it's been four days, and they haven't come home. the least we can do for your remaining kits is to ensure that they grow up with the skills of-"

"pebblepaw has been just fine staying with mottledsap and frecklepaw until martencry returns." skylark spoke with a clipped tone. "giving pebblepaw a new mentor would just be forgetting that martencry was ever here!"

"no, it isn't. i could never fathom how much fear you must bear right now, skylark... but as clan leader, my duty is to do everything in my power to ensure that my cats can lead good lives, and unfortunately, none of us know where martencry is, or if they're even alive anymore. i've sent patrols all over the territory, as well as a patrol across our boundaries that includes your mate. for now, you'll just need to trust him to find your kit."

skylark stiffened, trying not to tremble, but it did ever so slightly. witherpaw pressed her body against her mother's, an offer of silent solace. skylark seemed to sink a little at witherpaw's touch.

a sharp, wordless exclamation suddenly pierced frecklepaw's ears. he whipped around, startled, to see sharpfox standing outside the warrior's den, her fur bristling with shock. the sable she-cat's nose was in the air, twitching as she sniffed. "havenecho's patrol is back!"

a murmur of both excitement and apprehension rippled throughout the camp. what news would they bring? was martencry with them? out of the corner of his eye, frecklepaw saw his brother pad hopefully towards the entrance, watching for martencry's return.

moments came and passed before the leader of the patrol slipped through the verdant shrubbery barrier: havenecho, the cream ticked tabby, strolling tiredly through the bushes. the clan watched the cat's face...

and froze as they saw havenecho's expression. tight and twisted with pain. no signs of a fight, no scent of blood.

which could only mean one thing.

a dark whisper rose between clanmates. frecklepaw felt his heart stop, felt it get stabbed with some kind of pain... but it felt dull. for a few seconds, everything felt dull. martencry, gone forever.

gone forever.

...

frecklepaw didn't even notice the rest of the patrol entering camp. suddenly, exhaustion just washed over him. he just wanted to sleep... he just wanted to shroud himself away from the world and curl up and shelve his sadness into some forgotten compartment of his brain...

then he remembered the others. his family. skylark and pebblepaw had been far closer to martencry than himself... he didn't even want to fathom how much pain they felt now.

through the haze of his vision, frecklepaw watched numbly as myrtleslash touched his tail to havenecho's shoulder, muttering words meant for no one else in the younger cat's ear. olivebranch and jasminecrest went to report their mission to hornetstar, but even they seemed reluctant.

frecklepaw stole a glance at skylark and witherpaw. skylark's muzzle was buried in her paws, shoulders shaking with a sob. witherpaw was trying her best to console her mother, a faltering smile plastered on her face as she spouted out words frecklepaw didn't hear. meanwhile, pebblepaw had collapsed onto the ground. their gaze glimmered with silent tears, and they blinked furiously to keep them back.

pebblepaw on the ground next to him, beaten down by grief. frecklepaw hadn't ever seen him like this before. but that's a good thing.

"are you... okay?" it was an empty question with an obvious answer, but frecklepaw still felt inclined to try. because no matter how much grief frecklepaw felt, he knew pebblepaw's was stronger. martencry had been their older sibling and mentor, and now...

pebblepaw directed his dull blue eyes at frecklepaw. they looked vaguely incredulous. what do you think?

"... sorry. you must've been close to them..." frecklepaw's voice trailed off as he realized he didn't know what to say to pebblepaw.

"they... must've been a great mentor to you." frecklepaw winced inwardly; the words sounded lame even to himself. but he still felt compelled to somehow lessen pebblepaw's grief.

"... oh. yeah, they were." pebblepaw turned his face away. "..."

... frecklepaw sat down next to pebblepaw. if i don't have anything to say, then i won't say anything. he draped his raven-black tail over pebblepaw's shoulders. he could feel his sibling quivering under him... of course they are. they just lost martencry...

frecklepaw was going to let his thoughts wander, but what thoughts were there to let astray? his mind was hazy and dull and blank. he barely knew what he was doing. was this what loss did to a cat? frecklepaw would've expected himself to feel sad, but instead his emotions seemed to have nearly completely drained away like water off a leaf. even his sadness seemed rounded at the edges... frecklepaw wasn't sure if that was a good or bad thing.

frecklepaw listened to his clanmates' empty murmurs to one another. he heard myrtleslash and havenecho pass as havenecho gave a broken, yet lighthearted laugh- how in starclan's name had myrtleslash managed to collect a laugh from havenecho?- as the pair approached myrtleslash's mate; the she-cat did not look up.

somewhere behind the huddled family, frecklepaw heard hornetstar ask jasminecrest and olivebranch about martencry's death. "did you find a body?" "how did they die?" the questions were fired off urgently, as if there was still hope had the patrol not found proof of it.

but frecklepaw would rather not cling onto false hope. what was false hope but a claw-hold on the shores of peace against the tearing river of despair? false hope made you believe that everything would be alright, and reality was all the more bitter for it when it came to clout you over the head.

hornetstar just needed to accept that life was going to suck for a while.

except for martencry's, the cynical part of frecklepaw's mind flashed at him, starclan knows what they did with theirs.

the white-flecked tom craned his head as much as he could without disturbing pebblepaw, who hadn't moved a muscle under his tail. hornetstar's head frantically whipped back and forth from olivebranch to jasminecrest. the latter had shrunk back from her leader, her white and cream tabby fur rippling as it bristled and fell as jasminecrest tried to force herself to calm down a little bit. suddenly, frecklepaw realized how horrific martencry's death must've been, if a usually cheerful and optimistic senior warrior like jasminecrest was reduced to this.

"... may we speak in your den? no one needs to overhear us; we must spare the clan of... details." olivebranch, the more composed and older of the two warriors, spoke in a hushed and hurried tone. "... we must spare them of details." olivebranch cast an anxious glance at jasminecrest and touched her own tail to her spine.

after that, frecklepaw shut off his ears to the world, unwilling to listen to any more. but the lack of noise only welcomed more invasive thoughts and grief. he didn't want to imagine the different ways they could've died.

he had no idea how long he was there for, sitting on the hard ground with his tail on pebblepaw's shoulders and ears flattened. he didn't even realize that hornetstar had called a clan meeting until pebblepaw rose and nudged him with a paw.

"cats of deltaclan," hornetstar began, "as you are aware, we have just suffered a great loss in martencry. though the patrol was unable to bring back a body-" frecklepaw could've sworn that hornetstar flicked an uneasy glance at a grim-looking olivebranch, "i know that those who were close to them will sit vigil all the same. even though we have not a body to mourn, we can still send their spirit safely to starclan."

a murmur of assent swelled across the clan.

"however, even though martencry now walks with starclan, clan life must go on. martencry left behind an apprentice when they died, and though they will not be forgotten-" another glance downward, this one solemn and directed to skylark, "-pebblepaw must receive a new mentor right away. newtwake, you are more than worthy of another chance to mentor an apprentice to warriorhood, so i pass on pebblepaw's mentorship to you. pass on your skills to this apprentice, and finish what martencry started."

newtwake looked surprised- frecklepaw suspected that hornetstar hadn't told him about this beforehand- but with an earnest nod to accept the role, the tom padded forwards to touch his nose to pebblepaw's. pebblepaw raised their head to return the gesture, but their eyes were still dull with grief, and they seemed distracted.

"newtwake, newtwake." the clan's chanting was somewhat muted. newtwake's sister dovelily, as well as his mother olivebranch, had joined the smoky black tom and were speaking to him in low undertones. from the crowd, the newest apprentices sallowpaw and celosiapaw shyly inched forwards to watch until roanheart and cardinalblaze called them back.

it wasn't until the chanting had almost died down that frecklepaw realized that he should probably go join his brother. he walked forwards, but not before glancing at his family. witherpaw was still with their parents, wearing a worried expression. it was understandable; after all, she'd been with pebblepaw when martencry had run away.

and then frecklepaw went.

"you'd better take tomorrow off," he heard newtwake say to pebblepaw, "i know how hard a loss can be."

"pebblepaw!"

pebblepaw turned his head. "oh, frecklepaw. hi." pebblepaw still looked exhausted, but at least he wasn't wobbling on his paws.

frecklepaw dipped his head to newtwake. "hornetstar made a great choice for you. i'm sure newtwake will do great."

at the compliment, newtwake seemed flustered. "u- o-oh, thank you, frecklepaw."

pebblepaw shifted his paws, and he suddenly seemed very interested in the ground. "... i'm sorry, frecklepaw, but i'm really tired. i'm going to sleep..." with that, pebblepaw dragged himself to the apprentices' den. frecklepaw watched as the ginger colourpoint tom almost stumbled into the elders' den, then steered himself back into the correct place.

frecklepaw started to follow him, but newtwake stopped him. "hey, give him some space. he probably needs it."

frecklepaw saw the sense in newtwake's words, but he still felt an indistinct sting. in what was probably the worst part of pebblepaw's life, frecklepaw couldn't be with them. maybe it was just worry speaking, but frecklepaw also felt like pebblepaw was annoyed with him...

of course he understood why. death wasn't an easy thing to deal with. but just because someone else was hurting didn't mean that frecklepaw couldn't feel a little hurt himself; after all, frecklepaw had some quiet pride in himself for being able to better things.

maybe it's because of how deep his pain must be...

but that doesn't explain why myrtleslash was able to make havenecho happy.

frecklepaw blinked, and it dawned on him that maybe he'd said something wrong, or been too insensitive at the worst time possible. his solution was usually to talk; this time, he had simply sat in silence with him. but it hadn't been enough to help with pebblepaw's burden.

... well, that just sucked, didn't it?