◤ celandinepaw ◥

♔ demiandrogyne. he/him. ♔

♔ skinny white tom with pale green eyes. ♔

♔ reserved. incredibly observant. likes to think he knows everything about everyone. not afraid to use information to get what he wants. fears intimacy. fears rejection and isolation. would rather look at other cats' problems than his own. ♔

◣ ❝ in the middle of fear and shame, everybody's looking for someone to blame, like it's a game ❞ ◢

❦ story ❦

celandinepaw wanted to be a good cat.

he always did what he was told, even if he disagreed with it; he always brought fresh-kill to the elders and waited until last to pick from the fresh-kill pile. he and swanpaw had taken a new apprentice named breezepaw under their wings after their sister caracalpaw took the role of medicine cat apprentice, and he always offered his shoulder to lean on whenever swanpaw and breezepaw needed to get something off their chest.

wherever he went, celandinepaw always tried to do good. be kind. let others have their way. keep out of trouble. after all, everyone likes the sweet, innocent cat, the one who can do no wrong.

celandinepaw wanted to be a good cat.

but one cannot be good if they turn a blind eye on their worst flaws.

celandinepaw wanted to be a good cat. he thought it was working.

but one cannot become good by letting their mistakes fester.

celandinepaw excelled at helping others, and yet, he failed when it really mattered.

take the fall for others- only when you know it's not your fault. that way, you can keep a clear conscience. celandinepaw didn't want to look at his own deepest flaws, so he stubbornly refused to admit it when any part of the blame fell to him.

be sympathetic. let others spill their woes, let them feel safe- but don't offer words of encouragement if you disagree with them; better to worsen their problems then to tell white lies. she'll see the truth in my words when she's ready, celandinepaw must've thought, as swanpaw sometimes left his side sobbing harder than she'd been before.

be true. let others love you over a façade of yourself and see who you are- but if they get too close to you, lie, manipulate, do whatever it takes to feel safe, to be safe again. celandinepaw feared intimacy more than almost anything else, and fear was but a natural drive. it wasn't wrong to act upon fear, but it wasn't right to control others for his own ends, no matter what the reason...

celandinepaw wanted to be a good cat.

but a black soul cannot become good through white lies.

because as much as celandinepaw refused to admit it, as much as he wanted to believe that he was good, he was selfless, he was empathetic, he was all the things he tried to be...

because as much as he believed he was good, and other cats did too; because as much as he defended the goodness of his heart...

he ignored his dark side too much.

because instead of trying to make himself good, truly good, he buried it, believing that would make him good. celandinepaw feared confrontation- confrontation with swanpaw and breezepaw, confrontation with his mentor shimmergaze- but most of all, he feared confrontation with himself, with his issues, with his faults. and so he chose to turn his back on them.

as if that would make them better rather than worse.

celandinepaw wanted to be a good cat, so he fooled himself and everyone around him into thinking he was. they were all innocent. even celandinepaw himself was innocent.

but celandinepaw refused to look into himself and face the little slip-ups he made that would eventually snowball into a self-fulfilling prophecy: as celandinepaw desperately tried to convince himself he was good, he slipped more and more into suffocating poison, and he wouldn't even realize how toxic he'd end up.

but the reason for this? deep down to his core, celandinepaw was afraid that he'd lose his friends, the ones he cared about more than anyone else in the world. if he could see his flaws, then they would, too, and what would happen then? he couldn't let them see how he really was inside.

how long until one of celandinepaw's friends would snap? how long until celandinepaw realized that he wasn't the angel he thought he was?

***

"great catch, swanpaw!"

swanpaw's glossy black pelt stood out in the river like a snowdrop in the moonlight; even as swanpaw dove into the water, celandinepaw could easily track her pelt, even beneath the white bubbles. only a few seconds needed to pass until swanpaw's head shot out to grab a fish in her jaws.

now, the ten-moon-old apprentice stood on the riverbank with a limp, plump trout clamped between her teeth. she should've been sopping wet, but like every deltaclan warrior, her pelt had grown impervious to soaking through a lifetime diet of fish.

"thanks, celandinepaw," the older apprentice murmured through her mouthful. her mismatched eyes gazed at the sky. the leaf-fall evening brought an unmistakable chill to the soft, caressing breeze, and the sky itself was a backdrop of blue and pink as thin clouds trailed against the sun.

"it took me so long to master that move." swanpaw laid her trout into the sandy ground, and a smirk came upon her roundish face. "good thing quietfern seems to have infinite patience."

"really?" celandinepaw asked innocently as he turned over swanpaw's catch with his paw. "hunting is quite easy for me. i didn't take long at all to catch my first fish."

"really?" celandinepaw could've sworn a disgruntled look shadowed the black she-cat's face for a moment- but it was gone so quickly that celandinepaw dismissed it as a figment of his imagination.

swanpaw hesitated before speaking again, staring absently into the darkening sky. "how does shimmergaze teach you then? not that quietfern is a bad mentor," swanpaw added quickly. "but she's, well, quiet. sometimes i can hardly tell what she's thinking."

"shimmergaze is great!" celandinepaw's eyes lit up. "she's always so kind, and patient, and she always seems to know when i feel like talking and when i don't, or what mood i'm in, so she doesn't force me to do something like if i'm really not up for it- oh, i'll stop now," celandinepaw interrupted himself, pressing his jaws shut. "i talk way too much."

swanpaw's head swayed back and forth. "well... shimmergaze is a senior warrior; you're hardly her first apprentice."

"not a guarantee, considering that jaguarflame only got his first apprentice with rushtalon." celandinepaw gave himself a small smile; he relished the feeling of knowing things that his friends didn't.

"really? how do you know this?"

"shimmergaze told me."

"quite the gossip, aren't you?" swanpaw looked sharply at celandinepaw, her amber and blue gaze glimmering with amusement.

"hey!" celandinepaw flattened his ears, suddenly feeling defensive. "shimmergaze told me, like i said. we were just having a regular conversation, okay?"

swanpaw paused, her mouth hanging open. celandinepaw must've sounded harsher than he'd intended to be; swanpaw usually had a retort ready on the tongue at all times.

"sorry-"

celandinepaw blinked. a showreel of scenes played all the times that celandinepaw had let that word slip out of his mouth. most of the time, swanpaw responded with a playful bat and the words "shut up." celandinepaw knew it was just her way of telling him that there was nothing to apologize for, but she must've known that saying it was nothing more than a reflex to him.

swanpaw could be a pawful sometimes- more impertinent and less mature than he was, despite being a moon and a half older, and ever the sarcastic one too- but celandinepaw loved her all the same. just as a friend, of course; after all, celandinepaw had, ah, different tastes.

celandinepaw snapped his jaws shut, ready for swanpaw's gentle swat. but she only shuffled her paws upon the damp, sandy ground.

"we should take this back to camp. starclan knows that we all need to work a lot harder now, with hornetstar and dolphinriver both going to the moonblossom." swanpaw's meow took on a curious tone. "does anyone besides peonylinger know why they're going?"

"we probably don't need to know. it's probably important if hornetstar's going all the way to the moonblossom just to share tongues with starclan. she's getting old, after all." celandinepaw nudged swanpaw's fish towards her. "i left my catch near the cliff ridges. take your trout; we'd better go back."

swanpaw shot celandinepaw an annoyed glance. "that's what i literally just said."

"sorr-"

swanpaw's left paw clouted celandinepaw over the head. "shut up."

"s-" celandinepaw caught himself as he tried to impulsively apologize again. "okay."

swanpaw rolled her eyes, but she didn't swat him a second time and merely bit into her trout just behind the gills. the animal's tail still trailed upon the ground, but neither celandinepaw nor swanpaw seemed to care; no cat wanted to eat the spiny tail and fins of a fish anyway. celandinepaw plucked his sterlet from the foot of the steps, and the two friends climbed back up to the higher ground, where their home waited for their return.

an unexplained rush of fire shot through celandinepaw as he and swanpaw clambered up the edge of the cliff and re-entered the forest that would take them back to camp. briarhawk had taken breezepaw on border patrol, but they'd ought to be back by now. exhilaration pounded through celandinepaw with the prospect of seeing breezepaw... then guilt followed as celandinepaw wondered why he didn't feel the same rush of energy with swanpaw.

it's because breezepaw is easier to get along with.

it was true; breezepaw had an energy to them too, but they were less... argumentative? or at least breezepaw seemed less hotheaded. but they got along with swanpaw fine as well, so part of celandinepaw wondered if he had something to do with swanpaw's occasional bursts of fire.

celandinepaw shook the thought out of his head. of course he wasn't. he was just himself being himself. there was nothing wrong with that.

***

"let me guess..." swanpaw, after depositing her trout upon the fresh-kill pile, sauntered up to breezepaw, who was chattering with caracalpaw outside the medicine cats' den. "are you... hmm." swanpaw tilted her head, not noticing celandinepaw at her side, staring at her. "are you feeling male today?"

"spot on." breezepaw gave celandinepaw a playful growl, his misty gray eyes sparkling with mischief. "if she guesses right for two more days, then you have to talk back to shimmergaze."

celandinepaw's eyes widened. "i won't do it-"

"but you promised!" swanpaw bounced up and down. "if i can guess what breezepaw's feeling for a quarter-moon, you have to take a stand." swanpaw swished her tail, hitting celandinepaw's flank. "you hopeless mouse-heart."

the comment stung, but celandinepaw only smiled. swanpaw was right; celandinepaw was too docile to confront anyone about anything... unless someone thought that they could push him around, celandinepaw thought, as he took in swanpaw's triumphant, devilish grin.

"don't you dare go back on the deal you made, celandinepaw." now it was caracalpaw speaking. the cinnamon ticked tabby she-cat was a little taller than breezepaw, and though her build was sturdy, she'd chosen the path of a medicine cat as a kit, and she was content with it now. "no one likes a recreant, so you'd better follow through." it was hard to tell from caracalpaw's expression whether or not she was joking.

"oh, i'll just hope that swanpaw gets one wrong," celandinepaw replied lightheartedly. "she can't be lucky enough to guess correctly for seven days straight!"

a voice came from the medicine den calling caracalpaw's name, and caracalpaw cursed under her breath. "perfect. peonylinger wants me back inside."

"oh." breezepaw's shoulders drooped for a bit, but he perked up quickly. "we'll see you when you're done sorting those icky herbs."

"it's probably just blizzardquill's twisted paw-"

"just shake her off when you can," swanpaw called cheerfully. celandinepaw glared at her, and she flattened her ears. "what? i was joking, celandinepaw! lighten up!"

the three apprentices' chatters twittered in the dusky sky- or at least, two were chatting away. celandinepaw's squeals and whispers only reached breezepaw's ears, while swanpaw winced every time celandinepaw's high-pitched noises reached her ears. she suddenly seemed resigned.

celandinepaw was happy. who could've foresaw that he and breezepaw would grow so close in just one moon? he was certain that swanpaw felt the same way. breezepaw was so nice, and funny, and he always seemed to know exactly what to do... celandinepaw felt his own smile grow wider, and he let affection bubble up inside of him as he let his fur brush the younger tom's. breezepaw didn't react, so celandinepaw assumed he didn't mind the closeness.

what celandinepaw didn't notice was the way swanpaw shied away from him and the suddenly- what was the word? helpless?- expression on his face. an unconscious, uncomfortable frown had crept onto swanpaw's face, and she opened her mouth to speak, but eventually just turned away.

(A/N: no, this is not going to become a love triangle, i promise)

"do you think that briarhawk will ask shimmergaze and quietfern to let us train together?" swanpaw picked up breezepaw's question.

"of course! they're all siblings, right? they'll want to spend time together, too!" celandinepaw was suddenly excited, and he gazed at breezepaw with delight.

but breezepaw's a whole three moons younger than i am. "but won't we be learning entirely different things?" swanpaw's first contribution to the conversation was met with stares from both breezepaw and celandinepaw. "i mean, celandinepaw and i train together because we're closer in age, but you're so much younger than us, i don't know if our mentors would let us all have a session together."

"oh." breezepaw seemed to consider this for a moment.

"swanpaw, what are you doing?" celandinepaw hissed through gritted teeth, alarm flashing in his eyes. "don't you want-"

"it's not like i don't!" a flare of defensiveness took over swanpaw. "it's just that i don't think it's very realistic, okay? i mean, apprentices with such a big gap between their ages don't usually get to train together, do they?"

"well, i might ask anyway." celandinepaw sidled up to breezepaw, who looked very surprised and confused at the same time. "we just don't spend enough time together! it won't do if breezepaw's my best friend-"

breezepaw made no attempt to move away from celandinepaw, but he did flash swanpaw a wide-eyed glance. what that glance meant, swanpaw had no idea; she wasn't the best at picking up expressions. the rattling in her head didn't help, either. since when had celandinepaw adopted breezepaw as his closest friend? swanpaw felt slighted. her chest puffed with indignance. if celandinepaw was willing to declare his closeness to breezepaw after just one moon, what about swanpaw herself? she'd been friends with celandinepaw since kithood, after all.

no one realized it, but despite the abrasive and tough-skinned personality that others saw, swanpaw was actually stung.

"besides, i think he can catch up to us," celandinepaw continued, oblivious. "he's so smart!" celandinepaw nudged breezepaw with his shoulder.

"uh, thanks, celandinepaw," meowed breezepaw, finally pulling away from the thin white tom, "but keep this up and i'm going to topple over."

"... oops." celandinepaw have breezepaw a cheeky grin and chattered on, leaving swanpaw in the dust.

when did i get replaced by breezepaw? the frown returned to swanpaw's face as she spoke again. "uh, celandinepaw, i'm still here."

but her voice was too soft for celandinepaw to hear over his own excited squealing. breezepaw, however, shot swanpaw a quick sideways glance, but not wanting to seem rude, kept his gaze on celandinepaw, nodding along to what he was saying.

"celandinepaw?"

nothing.

"..." celandinepaw kept on talking to breezepaw. but swanpaw knew one surefire way to get his attention.

"i hear songbirds."

"oh!" celandinepaw's scream was so loud that swanpaw physically stepped backwards, ears flattened as a gasp escaped her. "i shouldn't be so loud," celandinepaw murmured, abashed. his gaze flitted past the bush barriers of the camp as he tried to catch a glimpse of a bird; by sheer luck, some distant cooing could be heard, even though night was falling fast.

"you're so predictable." swanpaw couldn't keep the bitterness from her meow. "why must i play to your interests just for your attention? we're friends!" swanpaw met celandinepaw's face. the short-furred tom looked incredulous. "just because breezepaw's here doesn't mean you should leave me out."

"come on, swanpaw. aren't you overreacting a bit?" celandinepaw turned his head towards the black she-cat. his pale green gaze, though not malicious, made swanpaw direct her own gaze lower. "i don't like you any less-"

"yeah, you don't, you just like breezepaw more than me." the words rushed out of swanpaw, and she made no attempt to stop them. "if i didn't know any better, i'd have thought you were mates."

"how many times must i tell you that we're not? i don't like breezepaw that way." celandinepaw was focused on swanpaw now... but in all the wrong ways, swanpaw thought to herself, always the petty arguments for me and the friendship for breezepaw.

lucky thing.

"breezepaw, why don't you see how caracalpaw's doing?" swanpaw muttered under her breath. she had new words for celandinepaw's ears and his alone; breezepaw didn't need to be there for it.

new words detailing exactly what she thought of him. celandinepaw treating her less and less like a friend was just the start of it, details that she'd tried to convince herself weren't real with excuse after excuse from both herself and celandinepaw.

breezepaw obediently scuttled off, making a beeline to the medicine den. swanpaw doubted that peonylinger would actually let him stay for long, but staying in camp was better than having to listen to his friends bicker.

"no one needs to hear us argue. come into the forest." swanpaw's voice was low and unusually flat.

celandinepaw followed the black she-cat through the barrier- a few footsteps and she'd disappeared out of the camp's walls, a winding slip between the bushes that swanpaw could barely fit through now. the black she-cat was becoming increasingly invisible under the cover of the night, and celandinepaw's eyes strained to see her pelt.

sudden fear flashed through celandinepaw. what if he'd gotten too carried away in speaking with breezepaw again? suddenly, a flurry of anxieties caught up to celandinepaw, wondering if he'd done something wrong or made a big mistake. but he shook them off. this was just a big misunderstanding, or swanpaw being overly sensitive again, or something.

and then i can explain everything, and swanpaw will calm down. everything will be fine.

celandinepaw took a shuddering breath through his mouth. in and out. his worries seemed to deflate, if only slightly.

all celandinepaw needed to do was to defend himself from swanpaw's inevitable accusations. she always complained about him- his timidity, his defensiveness, the way he deflected blame- but he'd always denied the charges, because they were never accurate anyway- swanpaw was an overthinker, after all. and every time, swanpaw just looked confused, then didn't argue more, accepting his denials without question. so celandinepaw knew he was right; swanpaw couldn't lie to save her life, so she couldn't deceive him even if she wanted to. and she didn't.

celandinepaw was sure he'd convinced himself that everything would be okay. after all, they'd had countless past arguments and survived. but the familiar fluttering in his stomach still came.

they'd be okay, right?

(A/N: i was going to finish here but it's 11pm and i'm not done and i'm not free for the next two days)

(so... i know this has happened before but sry guys i guess i expended too much writing prowess on retribution)

(if it helps with the name, there's an argument, they break up and then they reconcile, the end)