i have kind of a reputation on the crew team... most of these happened on trips which are my area of expertise but I do dumb things all season 

(featuring some unnamed teammates) 

----

Eighth-grade me: I'M FINALLY AT THE BOATHOUSE! *runs outside, gasps* Woah, is that the river? *leans over fence, swings around staircase with huge dumb grin on face*

Ohmigod, I-

*trips over own feet and proceeds to fall down half a flight of metal stairs*

Coach 1, at bottom of stairs: Are you alright?

Eighth-grade me: yeah no one saw that right

Entire girl's team: *looking over with mild to severe concern*

---

 Ninth-grade me: *wakes up on empty bus* ...? 

*staggers out of seat, looks up and down, realizes we're at the hotel and everyone is gone*

 *pressing face against door* Hello?

(No answer.)

*pulls out phone, dials bow from my boat*

yes i'm serious

okay fine i'll just call 2 seat

*PROCEEDS TO HAVE TO CALL HALF THE ENTIRE BOAT THANKS GUYS*

Crew Girl 1: *literally our 5 seat?* 

*emerges from hotel with the bus driver and one of the coaches*

Here she is. 

Ninth-grade me: *blushing furiously* Thank goodness someone finally picked up. At least the varsity didn't hear about-

Entire varsity: *smiling and laughing in the lobby*

Ninth-grade me: are you kidding 

---

Me: *finishing 2k, literally an eight minute long sprint- for reference the goal is to get your time low as possible*

*dies quietly on floor, panting like a half-dead animal*

Crew Girl 2 (a Coxswain, basically like mini-coaches): CHRONA YOU DID IT YOU BROKE EIGHT!

GUYS CHRONA BROKE EIGHT 

Crew Girl 3: NOOOOOO

*looks at my screen* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NO WAY OHMYGOSH 

Me: *slams hand against erg seat to push myself up* ffffffUCK yes. *proudly flips both middle fingers skywards towards while everyone is still testing* 7:41.8, BITCHES!

*in the middle of school cafeteria*

Coach 2: CHRONA SIT DOWN 

---

Me: *falls down entire set of stairs while running stairs indoors*

Crew Girl 4: There goes Chrona. Back at it again with all that stair falling.

Me: THAT WAS TWO YEARS AGO 

Crew Girl 4: No you totally fell down the stairs last year too

Crew Girl 1: Remember when Chrona got locked on the bus?

Me: I THINK I JUST PULLED SOMETHING IN MY LEG 

---

Me: Hey guys!

Crew Girl 5: Hey, did you shut the dorm door?

Me: oh yeah why 

Crew Girl 5: you mean like the door we were keeping purposefully ajar 

Me: oh shoot yeah the dorms are pretty stuffy but it's fine i'll just go-

Crew Girl 3: no no the door locks on its own and none of us have our keys

---

*several varsity girls are sitting in a room together, including a girl I had a crush on for years*

*it's dead fucking silent*

Crew Girl 3: So then we went down to the stands for a while and got some of that ice cream!

Me: Oh! I almost got some, but I know we have to race tomorrow... how was it?

Crew Girl 3: it was good 

*room is silent for a good two minutes*

Me: how was your ice cream?

Crew Girl 3: fuckin AWFUL 

Me: i asked twice didn't i

Crew Girl 6: yes 

Me: uuuuuuuuugh

*later that same night*

Me: *opens door* hey is anyone in there there's ice cream sandwiches outside

Crew Girl 1: yes chrona i'm still here

Me: oh great! there's-

crew girl 1: you asked earlier, i already had my sandwich

Me: ... well is there anyone else in there now

Crew Girl 1: no 

Me: well would you like another sandwich

Crew Girl 5: i think i'm good

Me: *shuts door*

---

Me: holy shit I think I lost my key!

Crew Girl 2: Oh, shoot- hey, have you checked your room?

Me: Yes???

Crew Girl 3: didn't you lose your key earlier today 

Me: You vastly underestimate how many times I can lose an object in one day 

Crew Girl 8: is that your key *points to key wedged in door*

Me: yeah that's 

that's mine

Crew Girl 8: Glad we could help 

---

Me: *on varsity eight boat*

Coach 1: Today we'll be doing foot stretcher adjustments before we row.

Me: *begins fixing stretchers*

*stretcher COMES OFF THE DANG BOAT*

Coach 1: is everyone done

Me: no

Coach 1: *starts drill without me*

Me: *attempting to shove stretcher back into correct position on now moving boat*

Coach 1: Now?

Me: NO

Coach 1: calm down Chrona

Me: *not calm at all, jamming foot stretcher in 20,000 dollar boat*

Coach 1: WE REALLY NEED TO SWITCH CHRONA

Me: aLmOsT tHeRe...

*jams it in*

Coach 1: Okay NOW can you row 

Me: *oar immediately comes out of oarlock*

Coach 1: seriously Chrona

Me: OKAY OKAY I PROMISE I WILL NOT WASTE ANY MORE PRACTICE TIME 

*pulls back on oar*

*backstay snaps off rendering me completely unable to row*

*muffled sobbing is heard out of my seat in bow* 

---

Coach 1: Today is too windy to go on the water, so we'll be running the stairs instead.

Crew Girl 4: For all you novices out there, these are the really steep ones. Be careful going up and down. 

Coach 1: Yes. For the love of Christ, please do not fall down these stairs- we do not want to pay for your hospital bill. 

Entire team: *stares in my general direction*