spoofs killed my family, pillaged my fields, and set fire to my house

---

most people, talking about their OCs: these are my children, I love them dearly, I would die for them

me, talking about my OCs: This is three casts worth of characters whose names you probably won't remember next conversation. They may not have much in common, but they're all tErrIblE people 

---

me, writing: i hate writing

my friend: why do you do it then

me: i forget 

(later)

me: i miss my kids

my friend: it has been a total of six hours

me: they need me

my friend: they're not even real

me: what if something happens to them

my friend: you kill off like half your cast what do you mean "what if something happens to them"

---

me, writing: life is good

*hits a scene, stumbles*

me: ... what word goes here next

... 

...i'll just look up some synonyms real quick

*one hour later*

(surfing the deep web for answers to an ARG that took place three years ago while listening to indie music off of bandcamp so deep that the YouTube video has sixty views)

me: I have no idea how I got here

---

my friend: *writes a book*

me: 👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀 good shit go౦ԁ sHit👌 thats ✔ some good👌👌shit right👌👌there👌👌👌 right✔there ✔✔if i do ƽaү so my self 💯 i say so 💯 thats what im talking about right there right there (chorus: ʳᶦᵍʰᵗ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ) mMMMMᎷМ💯 👌👌 👌НO0ОଠOOOOOОଠଠOoooᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒ👌 👌👌 👌 💯 👌 👀 👀 👀 👌👌Good shit

someone: *leaves rude comments on my friend's books*

me: do NOT sign me the FUCK up 👎👀👎👀👎👀👎👀👎👀 bad shit ba̷̶ ԁ sHit 👎 thats ❌ some bad 👎👎shit right 👎👎 th 👎 ere 👎👎👎 right ❌ there ❌ ❌ if i do ƽaү so my selｆ🚫 i say so 🚫 thats not what im talking about right there right there (chorus: ʳᶦᵍʰᵗ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ) mMMMMᎷМ 🚫 👎 👎👎НO0ОଠＯOOＯOОଠଠOoooᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒ 👎 👎👎 👎 🚫 👎 👀 👀 👀 👎👎Bad shit

---

me: and then, after they get strangled to near death by kindergarteners, we cut to the epilogue, where we see our singular hero watch her friends, who have grown old while she (owing to her immortality and position as god of that universe) has stayed young. she watches them and their developed lives, which she has herself carved out from oblivion and created as she best decided would suit their needs (since all of this takes place inside her head) and slowly walks away, possibly to endure an eternity alone in the void without even her own creations for company

my brain: do any of your characters end the book happy, ever

me: yeah i think that side character's pretty okay. 

my brain: why do you do this 

me: *looks up the paper, squinting* i have no idea

---

me: have i mentioned i am always in a perpetual state of anxiety about my chapters or lack of writing chapters today

my friend: you mention it every day

me: i'm stressin'

my friend: have you tried... taking a break

me: i need to make these insane goals or i won't be happy

my friend: consider sitting down, calming down, and taking a break

me: i don't know where my energy is going i should be able to write seven chapters in one day

my friend: take a fucking break

me: okay.

my friend: really

me: i see what you're saying

my friend: oh thank god 

me: six chapters 

---

me, about books: (ง'̀-'́)ง

---

me: so anyways, I write urban fantasy-

my mom: oh you mean it takes place in the suburbs?

me: kind of

my mom: so could it happen in real life?

me: okay no

my dad: like Keith Urban?

me: completely wrong

my mom: of course it's writing not music honey. do they drive minivans?! oh my gosh i bet I could write a suburban fantasy. my life is a suburban fantasy. 

me, sinking under the table: i literally can not get a word in

my brother: That is an IMPROPER use of the word literally. I thought you were the writer here.

me: *slams the table*

---

me: and there's my sixtieth goddamn auxiliary book idea

my brain: when are you going to write these, ever

me: ... 

... (nervous sweating)

---

someone: man, I don't know what Jacob's deal is. He's such a character-

me: did someone say CHARACTER

well BOY HOWDY LET'S TALK ABOUT CHARACTERS. I HAVE 800 CHARACTERS (MAYBE MORE I'M NOT ACTUALLY COUNTING) AND ALL OF THEM ARE WELL DEVELOPED. I KNOW WHAT SONGS THEY SING IN THE SHOWER WHEN THEY'RE ALONE AND ALSO PROBABLY THEIR MOST INTIMATE TENDER MOMENTS BUT NOT THEIR EYE COLOR OR THEIR BIRTHDAYS. DO YOU LIKE CHARACTERS. DO YOU HAVE ANY.

someone: how long have you been waiting for a way to insert your characters into this conversation

me: ALL DAY 

---

someone, in public: Creative writing? Oh, I wrote a novel once-

me: (screams, internally)

someone: may i help you

me: *puts elbow on table* absolutely 

---

guides: Remember, your characters should be distinct from you. Try to avoid self-inserts or characters distinctly imbued with your personality. 

me, making characters: now who here wants my anxiety

---

my friend: who's that *points to my paper*

me: that's my new character. i made them yesterday.

my friend: oh nice

me: would you like to hear about them

my friend: ... sure?

(probably four hours later, at minimum)

me: And that's how the very fabric of reality works in this fictional universe I made about sparkledogs. I have several essays prepared on how this integrates with their rivalry with the dragons-

my friend: this isn't even a character from dreamland, this was from one of your aux books 

me: seven degrees of separation

my friend: what

me: between all my characters. seven. at most.

my friend: oh my god 

---

me: i don't know why i'm not better at this, i should have been wattpad famous years ago

me: i don't have enough writing time

me: why do my days feel so empty 

my brain: you have been on youtube for five hours every day for the last week

me: shut up you don't know my life

my brain: you have watched every one of these videos at least eight times and not once have they left an impression on you 

---

me: okay so we've known each other for a few months now and i think i need to tell you something

them: ... 

me: ... i know you think you know me. and i don't want this to ruin our friendship. we have a good thing going. but i have a secret and i don't know how much longer i can keep this from you

them: did you kill someone 

me: worse i have a wattpad

---

(obviously this is exaggeration (except for the one with my family that was almost word for word) but the main point of contention would be that my friends are actually on board with all of this. love you guys. keep being cool

also before anyone asks no none of these are serious and yes i'm doing great. today was rocky and i'm behind but i will catch up and i will survive. in the memetime... this happened)