Chapter ten - Threatening Tears

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To say the atmosphere this morning was tense is just an understatement.

I haven't got a clue what it is, but something is definitely off.

Maybe it was this sickening feeling I had in my gut, telling me to stay in bed all day and not worry about anything that was going on.

Or maybe it was the way that even though my mom and Jerald where home, they weren't talking to one another. They sat there and ate in silence.

Or maybe it was the way that Geoffrey wasn't home, nor was he working out.

You could talk all you want, but when one of our parents were home, Geoffrey always attends the breakfast table on a Saturday, even when he was hung-over.

But not today.

Today everything felt out of place.

Maybe is was the way that the plants were looking a little more dead, or the sun wasn't shining through the curtains as brightly.

It felt like there was a curse resting above our heads, that if a single word was spoken, a huge knife would cut our heads off or something.

The thing that bothered me the most was that it felt like everyone knew what was going on, except for me.

Like, I've been sitting at the kitchen table for about twenty minutes and nobody has said a word. The silence and awkwardness has nearly killed me. Right when I'm about to open my mouth to ask what's going on the door flies open, revealing a raging Geoffrey.

"Give me the keys," he demands his father, who stands up from his chair. My mom's expression changed at the sight of Geoffrey's murderous look.

"I already told you son, you're not getting them." My mom takes some steps back, gripping me by my shoulder, trying to pull me backwards as well.

"You better give me the fucking keys!" A shiver runs down my spine at the rage and pure hatred that his voice holds.

"No! You don't have your license yet, you're risking your life as well as other's if you go out on th-" He never got to finish that sentence due to the fist that got planted on his nose.

"You fucking asshole! You're heartless you know that, heartless! You're not even going to visit her? I swear to fucking god-"

"Geoffrey, calm down."

"Don't you fucking tell me what to do. You ruined my life!"

"Come on son, we can talk this out."

"Oh right, because talking will make her come alive again." His voice was dripping with sarcasm as well as anger, a weird combination if you ask me.

"Listen-"

"No, you listen!" He points his finger towards him. "You are the one that caused me this pain! You are the reason why I am who I am today and you are going to give me the fucking car keys!"

"I don't thin-"

"I know what you think," he spits. "You don't want to visit her, because you never gave a fuck about her! You never loved her! And as if that isn't cruel enough, you forbid me to go see her! I fucking hate you!" He takes a few steps forward, swinging his fist at his dad again. Blood spits around and I can't take it anymore.

Regardless the many attempts my mom made to keep me where I was standing, I jump forward. I run over to Geoffrey and push him with all the force I could gather out of my slim body frame.

"Get the hell away from me!" He tries to push me out of the way.

"No," I yell back. "No, I'm not going to watch you beat your own father!"

"That," he said through his teeth, pointing his finger at his dad again, "is not my father! That- that's a monster!" I give him another shove against his chest, making him back off even farther.

"He- he killed her." His voice was shaking and his hands were trembling. "He killed her," he repeated but something in his voice changed, it was like he wasn't saying it to me but to himself.

After that, he takes a few steps back and lifts his gaze up to Jerald again for the first time.

"You fucking killed her."

After that, he turns around and runs up the stairs.

My mom takes care of Jerald's face while I sit on my chair, staring at the blood that dripped onto the carpet.

It's weird, the feeling I'm experiencing because thoughts don't occur in my mind. I don't have any questions nor do I have any predictions.

I just sit and stare until Jerald comes flying out the bathroom, heading out the door. Soon enough, I hear him racing off in the car that caused the fight.

My mom follows behind him, stopping in the living room where she spots me. After releasing a sigh she hugs herself, letting her hands run up and down her upper arm.

"What was that?" I ask after she stayed quiet for five minutes.

"You don't have to worry about it, honey." I hate that response. I never have to worry about anything, it's never my business and I am sick of being the one people hide things from. I am no longer a baby, so why does she still treats me like I am?

"Mom tell me, they're my family too, I deserve to know what's going on." Her expression changes noticeably when I mention the part about them being family to me, and for one second I thought she'd actually tell me.

"I'm sorry sweetie, but if they want you to know, they'll tell you." I shoot her an angry glare before making my way upstairs.

There's no way in hell I'll ever know what just happened through my mom.

All of sudden, I get an idea, no idea where it came from, but once it has entered my mind, it can't find its way out again, so I make my way over to Geoffrey's door and give it a soft knock.

I'm playing with fire at high risk, I know that. But Geoffrey was hurt, really, really hurt. And after all he is my stepbrother. He is my family, and family is worth risking your life for...

"Go away!" The sound of somethihng breaking overpowered his voice.

"Geoffrey it's me," I say as if that would change his mind.

"Go away!"

"Geoffrey pleas-" Halfway through I realize pleading wouldn't change a damn thing. The only thing that could help was get straight to the point. "I could take you."

It remains silent for a while. When I start to think that it's hopeless, the door in front of me opens slowly. My breathing hitches in my throat as I take in the appearance of the broken hearted boy with bleeding knuckles.

"What?"

"I mean, I'm not going to let you drive my motorcycle, but yeah, I could take you."

He opens his mouth, almost immediately closing it again. He stares at me for a few seconds before nodding slightly.

"I'll go grab my jacket and then we'll go, okay?"

He nods again, following me as I make my way downstairs.

My mom shoots me a surprised look, one that also warns me to be careful.

After driving my Vespa out the garage, I wait for Geoffrey to get on it.

It surprises me that he got on without a struggle, not even about the helmet or Lana's 'cooties'. He doesn't even tries to convince me to let him drive: he just steps on it.

I start my baby and was ready to head out. "You can hold onto me you know, it's not like I'm going to faint or anything," I fail at joking. Two arms embrace me from behind and

I know I said that I wouldn't faint, but I wouldn't say his action don't have any consequences. I hate to admit that I do have to suck in some extra air to freshen up the heat that has built up inside of me.

"All right, just tell me where to go."

We drive for about half an hour. A ride filled with a silence that only gets interrupted by the words left and right. Before I know it, I pull up into the parking of a cemetery.

He hops off and hands me the helmet. He looks up at me as if he expects me to say something.

So I did.

"I'll wait here," I say, which probably wasn't what he expected. He makes a move to turn around but I grab a hold on his arm, causing him to face me again. "Take all the time you need, okay?"

He nodded again, pressing his lips tightly shut. Then made his way to the enterance.

I watch him walk away, hands in his pockets, head hanging low and walks like all the confidence has been washed out of him.

All you could see is a visibly hurt kid, who has been hiding his feelings behind a mask for too long. But today, the thing slipped off, revealing his true face.

I have been walking around the parking for a while when the questions start popping in my brain.

Who's lying here? Why today? Why did he blame Jerald for it?

I try not to get too curious though, knowing that I'll probably never figure out the truth. It's not like Geoffrey is going to tell me so...

The breeze flows over the empty parking lot, making me back aware of my surroundings.

It looks like a decent cemetery. You can see that people take good care of this plcae. It's surrounded by green and trees, and if it wasn't for the cadavers of humans lying here, this could actually be a nice place to visit.

Almost an hour has passed when Geoffrey walks through the gate again, moving in the same way he did when he walked to the entrance. A heart wrecking sight.

He stops moving five meters in front of me, close enough for me to hear his breathing and the infrequency of it.

He lifts his head up, slowly, carefully, until his bloodshot eyes meet mine.

Words will never be able to describe how sorry I feel for him. Before I can even realize what's going on, I step forward with wide opened arms. My arms press his body against mine, engulfing him in a hug.

It takes him a while to respond, but eventually he does put his arms around me, letting his head rest on my shoulder. Through all this, I could see him fighting to keep those tears inside.

"I miss her so much," he whispers, causing me to break a little myself and let my own tears stream freely.

"I know you do. And so does she."

He's the one to pull away, looking at me like he's embarrassed that I saw him this vulnerable.

"Could we go to one other spot?" I look up at the sky, noticing that it's getting darker already. Normally I don't like driving in the dark, but today isn't about me. Today, it's all him.

I nod, making my way back over to my Vespa and follow his directions. We end up at a spot next to the water. It looks deserted and is certainly on my list of places I'd never visit alone.

He sits down over the edge, letting his legs swing above the water. Not really knowing what he expects me to do, I sit down next to him, leaving an appropriate distance between us.

He sighs, running his hand through his hear before placing them back on the ground, staring into the water.

I watch his every move, every breath he exhales and every inner war he fights against his tears. I scoot over a few minutes later, not being able to see him having to face so much pain all by himself. Eventually, I even find the courage to let my head rest against his left shoulder, which causes him to sigh again.

"You have to stay away from me," he says, but doesn't make an attempt to push me away.

Ignoring his statement, I stared into the water, wondering what was so special about this place.

"I'm nothing but troubl you know," I just sigh, drop my arm from his shoulder but keep my head where it was.

"I'm a bad person." He chuckles, his laugh sounding bitter and humourless.

"I push everyone away from me. I can't blame them, I mean," -the same chuckle- "I'm a nightmare, like who'd want to stay with me?"

Having no clue where this sudden burst of insecurities came from, neither about how I had to react to them. I just let him blow off steam for a while.

His sadness is soon replaced by anger again. He pushes me away, with a lot of force may I add, causing me to nearly fall to my side.

"Why the hell are you doing this?" he yells accusingly.

"What?" I ask, pushing me back up to sit straight.

"Why are you nice all of a sudden? Why aren't you disgusted with me, like you always are? Why don't you hate me like all the rest?"

"Geoff I don't know where this all came from and-" He scoops forward, grabbing me by my throat.

Those murderous eyes make me stiffen. "I told you not to call me that!" Tears are gushing in my eyes and my heartbeat has accelerated noticeably.

He soon realizes what he's doing because he loosenes his grip, bringing his hands to his face.

"I- that wasn't my intention," he says. "Fuck!"

"It's okay, it really is." My voice is shaking. I know he won't believe these words. Heck, even I don't believe them.

"No it's not!" he yells, "It's not okay, I know that! It's just... That name- I- she-" There seems to be knot in his throat that makes it impossible to speak without feeling suffocated.

"It's okay," I repeat, approaching him carefully, not wanting him to lose his temper once again.

"I don't know how to say it," he whispers after I hug him once again.

"You don't have to."

"She called- she- m-my mom, she-" He never got to finish that, just because I didn't let him.

"Is- is today about her?" The frequency of my breaths increase in count and my heart begins to ache.

"It's been seven years..." he whispers after a while, like he's trying to start his story but can't.

"Oh," I say, since I lost all the other words that once belonged in my vocabulary knowledge. "Oh god."

The hurt I was feeling was real and much stronger than a small feeling of pity. It was pain that cut my heart into two, and guilt, guilt that was indescribable. Guilt that strong; I didn't know it existed.

Like all this time, all these months we have been living together, I only complained. I complained about how I suffered from the new situation, how I felt bad about it and that I didn't like it.

Never ever did it cross my mind that Geoffrey was having a rough time himself, two millions time as rough as I was.

I had been incredibly selfish and oblivious to other's hurting. In this moment, I can't even recognize myself. I always used to care about others, and their well-being. Lately, though, it was all about me.

No thinking of anyone else but me. Not even about Lana who is going to get hurt badly and I haven't even put a big effort in convincing her so.

I have never been as ashamed as I am now. I have changed so much, without my own knowing and not for the better.

Even now I was being selfish, thinking about my own shame when a tough guy was silently breaking in front of me.

A tear rolls down my cheek as I tighten my grip around him. "I'm so, so sorry." And then I completely lost it.