11

I couldn't think.

I couldn't move.

I couldn't breathe.

I was curled up on my bed, staring at the wall, blinking slowly.

I wish I knew what was wrong with me.

I wanted to get up, I wanted to do something.

But I felt like I was drowning and unable to move, unable to reach the surface.

My thoughts were consumed by my brother and that night.

My head and my chest hurt.

I felt like my heart was going to crack.

"Where're you going?"

"Out. I'll be back later. Just go to sleep."

"Okay..."

"Goodnight, Ana. I love you."

"I love you too, Kyle."

The last words we had ever said to each other kept playing and replaying in my head.

Ever since that night I had analyzed it over and over again.

I wondered if there was anyway to tell that he was going to kill himself later that night.

Everyone tells me that no one could have known.

But I should have known.

How could I have not known?
I was his little sister.

He told me everything.

I choked on a sob and felt tears sliding down my face.

He was gone.
Just gone.

One moment, he was there and then the next he wasn't.

And I still didn't understand, even four years later.

I tried over and over and over again to understand.

But I just couldn't.

Ana...

"No. Don't talk to me. It's all your fault that he's dead."

I've already told you that it's not my fault. It's the others.

"He always talked about you! He talked about them. Why didn't you stop them?!"

I tried. I really tried.

"You obviously didn't try hard enough! Because he's dead, Kylie! Dead! As in gone, gone forever!"

I understand that. But sweetie, you've got to lower your voice.

I sighed, realizing that she was right.

I buried my face in my pillow, inhaling the smell of the detergent that was used to wash the pillow case.

I think you need some sleep.

"I'm not tired."

You should still sleep.

"I'd rather not."

She opened her mouth to argue with me even more but was interrupted by the door opening.

I looked up, blinking a few times to clear my eyes and see who was there.

Emerald green eyes stared at me.

My dark brown eyes stared right back.
We were both frozen, uncertain of what to say or do.

We hadn't talked for three days, carefully avoiding each other.

He spoke first.

"Ana... Are you okay...?"

My voice cracked as I replied: "Do I look okay?"

His lips turned down in a frown.

"What's wrong?"

I turned my head away and looked at the ceiling.

"My brother died on this day four years ago."

"Oh... I'm sorry. How did he die if you don't mind me asking?"

I closed my eyes and let out a bitter laugh.
Everyone always asked how he died.

And always replied with, "Why does it matter? He's dead and that's that."

But I couldn't help myself as I told Gordon: "He jumped off a bridge."

I could hear his sharp intake of air.

"He... he committed suicide...?"

I didn't answer him because he knew the answer to that question already.

After a minute, I felt the bed sink down next to me.

I tensed up and moved away.

I licked my lips and whispered: "You don't get to act this way after you made me feel horrible."

He sighed.

"I'm really sorry, Ana."

"No you're not."

He squeezed my hand.

"I really am. I don't know what I was thinking."

I looked at him and saw that he was staring at me, his eyes full of regret.

It wasn't enough.

Being sorry just wasn't enough.

"I held you while you cried and all you said to me the next day was that I wasn't skinny enough."

He looked down, avoiding my harsh look.

"I know... I know and that's horrible. I just wasn't thinking clearly."

"Yeah whatever."

I looked away from him and instead looked at the picture of Mel and I that was hanging on my wall.

He sighed loudly then said: "You want to get out of here?"

I looked at him, surprised.

"Gordon, it's like 1 AM. They would never let us out."

His lips curled up into a conspiratorial grin.

"Who said they have to know?"

I raised my eyebrows at him, questioningly.

He stood up and held out a hand for me.

I took it and stood up, ignoring Kylie's curious, wide eyed look.

I smiled, getting excited as I asked: "What's the plan?"

"Just get dress and then meet me by the back door. Okay?"

I nodded and watched him leave before I threw on a light sweater and jeans.

I pulled my hair up into a messy ponytail and checked my reflection in my mirror.

I winced at what I saw.

My ponytail was a tangled, knotted mess.

My eyes were puffy and had dark half moons underneath them.

My face was pale and tear stained.

I looked like a ghost.

I touched my face, wondering if I was even me anymore.

I didn't look or feel like me.

But who was I even besides the voices in my head and my tiny waist and meds?

I couldn't remember what it felt to look happy or be happy anymore.

I couldn't remember the last time I felt happy.

Ana, Gordon is waiting for you.

I jumped, startled by Kylie's voice.

I had forgotten about both her and Gordon.

I gave her a grateful smile and slid on my shoes before leaving my room.
Gordon was already waiting for me.

He smiled when he saw me and hugged me.

When he pulled away, I saw that he was holding a key.

I raised my eyebrows, pointing to it.

He grinned and unlocked the back door, holding it open for me.

As he walked out with me, he explained: "It's Alison's key. She leaves it in the kitchen every night."

I nodded and followed him.

"I see, but how do we get out of the backyard?"

"Like so."

I barely had time to register what he meant as he wrapped an arm around my waist and lifted me.

He helped me sit on the top of the fence.

"Jump down and wait for me."

I bit my lip, uncertainly, nervously.

His look softened as he saw my hesitancy.

He rested a hand on my knee and said: "You'll be okay. I promise."

I nodded slowly then took a deep breath and hopped off the fence.

I stumbled a bit but caught myself in time.

A few moments later, Gordon joined me on the other side of the fence.

We both grinned at each other.

I leaned close and whispered: "I'll race to you that tree."
I pointed to a pine tree that was a few feet away.

He looked at the tree then at me and said: "You're on."

I smiled widely and began to count down: "1...2.... 3!"

I shot off as soon as the word "three" left my mouth.

I threw back my head, laughing as I raced towards that pine tree.

As soon as I neared it, I extended my arm and my fingers brushed against the tree before I was abruptly tugged backwards.

I squealed and toppled to the ground, Gordon falling next to me.

We both laughed and I turned my head, looking at him.

A rare real smile was lighting up his face.

Suddenly he wasn't laughing and was instead looking at me, the silver moonlight illuminating his face.

The smile fell from his face and now there was a serious look in his eyes.

"Were you and your brother really close?"

I inhaled sharply at the sudden question.

Kyle's face flashed in my mind.

I looked up at the stars as I said: "I thought we were. I guess not."

I could hear the frown in his voice as he asked: "Why do you say that?"

"If we were close then why didn't he tell me something was wrong? I could have helped him."

"I hate to tell you this, Ana. But you really couldn't have helped him."

I snapped my head towards him, my eyes narrowing into slits.

"Yes I could have! I could've been there for him! Or... or... or stopped him! I could've done something!"

He looked at me softly as tears gathered in my eyes.

"Ana..."

"I could've done something! I could've... I could've..."

I trailed off as I began to sob, sitting up and dropping my head into my hands.

Gordon's arms wrapped around me as I dissolved into hysterics.

"He's gone, Gordon. He's actually gone. My big brother..."

"I know... I know, sweetie. It hurts. I know. I know how you feel."

I looked up at him with big eyes, tears sliding down my face.

I could only imagine how horrible I looked.

"You know? How do you know?"

He looked away, a grimace forming on his face.

"My little sister died from cancer when I was 15."

My eyes widened and hugged him tightly, rubbing his back.

I took a deep breath then whispered: "What was her name?"

He let out a shaky breath before answering me in a small voice: "Isla. She absolutely hated her name."

"She did? Why?"

He buried his face in my shoulder and took a deep breath before continuing.

"Because she said it wasn't a real name. She said her name should've been Isabelle or Ella. Not a mix of the two."

I laughed lightly, waiting for him to go on.

He was silent for a moment then said: "She was ten when she died. The last thing she told me was to stop crying because now my little angel was finally going to be a real angel."

I felt his tears begin to wetten my shirt and my own tears began to slid down my face.

I held him tighter and murmured into his ear: "She sounded like a real fighter."

"She was. She really was. When her hair fell out from the chemo, she didn't cry. She just said now she looked as unique as her name."

I giggled, wiping away tears.

"Even when she was sick she was still hating on that name, wasn't she?"

He laughed and rolled his eyes as he said: "Oh you have no idea."

We fell into silence for a few minutes but then I spoke up.

"Kyle was an actor. He had the body of an athlete but he loved to act. He was in almost all our school plays."

Gordon kissed my head then asked: "Was he any good?"

I swallowed hard, blinking away tears.

"He was amazing. He got accepted to Juilliard before... before... he jumped."

"Wow."

"I know. He was the talented one in my family. He was always in the spotlight. It was like he was the sun and I was just a star, weakly shining in the background, hoping someone would notice me."

"What happened after he died...?"

I bit my lip as I remembered the aftermath of his suicide.

"I was the center of attention, suddenly. Everyone was watching me and making sure I was a good girl."

"What was it like?"

I looked away and said: "I finally began to understand why Kyle wanted to kill himself."

Neither of us talked after that.

We just laid next to each other in silence, looking up at the stars in peace.

I don't remember getting up and going inside.

I guessed that I had fallen asleep and Gordon somehow managed to carry me inside.

What I do remember is the nightmare, though.

Kyle was standing on the railing of the bride, arms out, looking down at the water.

I was standing on the bride, screaming, screaming, screaming.

I was screaming at him to stop.

He looked back at me and mouthed, "I'm sorry."

Then he jumped.

And all I could hear was screaming.

It was my screaming, I knew that.

But I couldn't stop.
I wouldn't stop.

At least not until someone noticed that my brother had just jumped off a bridge.

No one would like at me.

No one would help me.

And then suddenly Kylie was in front of me, wearing that grim look she always wore.

"He's dead, Ana. There's nothing you can do." she told me.

I shook my head, sure that she was wrong.

She grabbed my shoulders tightly and yelled over my screaming, "HE'S DEAD HE'S DEAD HE'S DEAD DEAD DEAD DEAD."

I covered my ears, wishing she'd stop.

Why wouldn't she stop?

I jolted awake and sat up, gasping and panting for air, tears falling down my face.

I looked around my room.

My eyes landed on the photo of Mel and I.

I bit my trembling bottom lip and jumped up then tore the photo off the wall.

The photo tore, but I couldn't care less as I slid down to the floor, sobbing.

I wrapped my arms around me tightly, rocking back and forth, whimpering.

Everything hurt too bad.

My head spun and my stomach lurched.

I leaned over, emptying out my stomach then curled up and held the crumpled picture in my hand as I sobbed, waiting for morning to come.