10

"So, Ana, would you like to tell me why you were in Gordon's room this morning?"

"No."

"Would you like to talk about your brother?"

"Not particularly."

"Okay, how about we talk about that night?"

I gave her an irritated look.

She just stared at me.

Waiting, waiting, waiting.

Silence was never an answer for Dr. Adren.

You had to be direct with her.

Which was fine by me, I was usually a very direct person.

I cleared my throat and answered her: "I don't talk about that night. With anyone. At all."

"Well, I'm your therapist and I say you should."

"You're right. I probably should, but I won't."

"And why is that, Ana?"

"Because some stories you keep to yourself. Some stories, you just never tell anyone."

"That's not a reason, Ana. That's an excuse."

I narrowed my eyes at her.

Couldn't she just understand that I didn't want to talk about it?

No one else had ever bothered me about.

Everyone else seemed to have enough common sense to realize that it was a door in the back of my mind that should remain firmly shut.

Dr. Adren just did not seem to be able to comprehend this.

It annoyed me to no end.

So instead of replying to her silly accusation, I told her about how it annoyed me.

She replied by saying: "You get irritated and angry a lot. Do you know that?"

I was almost taken aback.

She had answered so smoothly and calmly, that it was as if I hadn't changed the topic at all.

As if we had been discussing this topic the entire time.

She didn't wait for me to answer her question.

She just continued talking while I gawked.

"I think that you use anger and sarcasm as a way to hide how you really feel."

I recovered fast after that, glaring at her.

She knew nothing.

I told her that she knew nothing.

She smiled at me.

"I know plenty about you."

That was what she said to me, causing me to raise my eyebrows.

Surely, she was joking.

The only people who really knew me were Mel and Kyle.

And now Kyle was dead so there was only Mel.

I suppose two can only keep a secret if one of them was dead.

And I wanted the real me buried six feet deep next to Kyle.

My secret was safe and so was his.

I shifted in my seat, frowning.

Dr. Arden sighed, tapping her well manicured nails on her tablet.

She sighed again: "Ana."

I raised an eyebrow in response, waiting for her to continue.

"I just want to help you. But I can't help you if you won't talk to me."

"I don't need help."

"You tried to kill yourself."

"That wasn't me."

"Who was it then?"

I froze, realizing my mistake.

I had slipped up.

Both me and the girl sitting on the couch next to me could tell that I had made a mistake.

An accident, Kylie said, you were supposed to tell everyone it was an accident.

I cleared my throat and diverted my eyes to one of the drawings hung up on the wall.

"Ana. Who was it if it wasn't you?"

I did the only thing I could do.

One of the things I was very good at.

Probably best at.

I lied: "I don't know. I didn't feel right that night. " 

She didn't make me elaborate, to which Kylie and I sighed in relief.

Kylie had recently become a permanent fixture in my life.

She was always just there.

I didn't like her much, still.

She still scared me and made me uneasy, but I let her stay around.

She scared the others away and she also advised me on things.

She was there to help me get out, she promised.

And I believed her.

She was kind enough, unlike the other hallucinations, who had been strangely absent.

Though, I wasn't complaining.

Dr. Adren typed some things into her tablet before looking up and giving me The Look.

I stared back at her, wondering what she was trying to draw out of me now.

The rest of the session was like that.

Us staring at each other in silence.

Once the hour was up, I stood up and make a quick exit.

I speed walked towards the sliding glass doors that lead outside.

I needed some clean air.

I was barely paying attention.

Which was probably the reason for me slamming into Gordon.

Unbalanced and very much uncoordinated, I fell, hitting the floor hard, pain spreading through my backside.

"Hey! Watch it you walking tree!"

I expected Gordon to snap back at me, but he didn't.

Instead, he stared down at me.

His stare was much more intense and unnerving than Dr. Arden.

I squirmed underneath his gaze.

"Gordon? Are you okay?"

I stood up, frowning.

He still stared at me and it was only then that I took him in fully.

He had dark circles under his eyes, a stark contrast compared to his pale skin.

He wore a long sleeved shirt, the sleeves pulled over his hands.

His hair was messy and unkempt, as if he just gotten out of bed.

I said his name again.

He seemed to snap out of it.

He sent me a cold glare.

"I'm not the one who's just bulldozing into people. I'm surprised you didn't knock me over. Like, god, Ana. What do you eat? Rocks?"

My heart plummeted down to my toes and tears filled my eyes.

He had hit me right where it hurt: my weight.

"Do you not watch where you're going or did your voices tell you to run into me?"

He shook his head, leering at me, then walking away.

It took everything I had to keep myself together until I made it to the library, where I knew Rose would be.

She was curled up on the leather couch, her nose buried in a book.

She looked up when she heard the door open.

At first, she smiled, happy to see me, but then she saw the look on my face and quickly sent down her book.

I was drawn into a hug from her and it was only then I began to sob.

And as I sobbed, I was aware of every inch of my body.

My sharp shoulders shaking.

My sunken ribs rising up and down as my breaths came out ragged.

My skinny arms wrapped around Rose tightly.

The way Rose's body enveloped mine.

I heard Kylie's voice, but blocked her out, not wanting to hear her.

Rose didn't ask me what was wrong the entire time I cried.

She just held me and stroked my hair.

And when I was done crying, she disappeared for a few minutes but then returned with tea.

Even then, we didn't talk.

Then she went back to reading her book and I laid my head on her shoulder, feeling drained from crying so much.

We skipped lunch and remained in the library.

Neither of us said anything, we both silently agreed that it'd be better if just didn't go to lunch.

Alison was the one who found us.

She carried a tray of food on it and worry was etched on her face.

"Hi, girls."

Both Rose and I looked up.

Neither of us reacted, wearing blank faces.

Alison seemed to sense that we wanted to be alone, but she sat down in one of the armchairs anyways, setting the tray down on the coffee table.

She looked between us two then asked: "Is everything okay?"

I forced a smile before answering her.

"Of course. Why wouldn't it be?"

She saw right through my lie and I knew that she did.

I couldn't bring myself to care.

I couldn't bring myself to lie better.

I was too tired, too upset to care.

"Because I found Gordon in his room. He was pretty upset. He thought he hurt your feelings."

Both Rose and Alison stared at me, waiting for me to say something.

I swallowed hard, feeling tears prick at my eyes again.

Alison's gaze softened as she realized nothing good could have happened between Gordon and I.

"Ana, sweetie, what happened?"

"I...I... I ran into him in the hall and I snapped at him jokingly. I thought he would snap back but he...he..."

I didn't finish, letting the sentence trail off.

But by my friends faces, they seemed to understand pretty well.

Rose pulled me into her, rubbing my back soothingly.

"I'm sorry," was what she said to me.

Yeah I am too, I thought to myself, unwilling to admit it out loud.

Alison gave me a reassuring look and said: "I'll take care of him."

"No, it's fine. Don't worry."

"You're obviously upset, Ana. It's not fine."

I smiled at her, because she didn't know.

School had been worse.

I had heard worse things.

Which was why I didn't understand why it hurt so bad when he said what he did.

I didn't bother arguing with Alison, rather I nodded, keeping my mouth shut.

That was the better option.

It was always the better option.

Lately, I had just been forgetting that that was what girls like me were supposed to do.

But I wouldn't let myself forget anymore.

There was no more room for mistakes or slip ups if I wanted to leave.

There was no more room for moody boys who said mean things when they were upset.